Writer's block?

Finally, i've finished with my end-of-chapter's plot. The pictures are loud and clear in my head now. The blood, the agony, the scream, metal clashings and gigantic aura of power colliding.

Oh yes there will be deaths, there will be sacrifice.

I'm pretty satisfied.

But first, must finish outlining the middle plots and solving these conflicts.

And that is when the freaking writer's block came to me. BAD TIMING!

p/s: creating conflicts are easy. solving them is the hardest part of writing.

Old Syndrome: internet

The old syndrome has come to me again.

I don't understand why.

Each time i return to this bloody hell, i will stuck on the internet all day long thus leaving a much more important work behind me.

I need to do something about this, FAST.

p/s: oh, wth! just cut off the damn internet, hell!

Hell feels comfy :P

Back to hell, with lots of stuff.

Surprisingly hell's bedroom turns out to be very comfortable.

Even more comfy than last semester. :P

Feels like home.

Don't register to UNISEL!

Tomorrow, registration to hell will finally start.

Suprisingly many people will be willingly lining up to enroll.

I suggest you freshies-after-SPM people NOT to go enroll in UNISEL.

UNISEL SUCKS. Straight from the horrible management, the fees and the terrible studies.

Don't forget Mr Jananiaga too. 'He' is a cruel person.

Register to some other universities. You don't wanna be part of uniHELL.

If u did, you're asking for trouble.

MUET Result

Finally!

i dont know how i did it but i finally did it!

i seriously thought i was screwed.

i got band 4 for my muet result!

YAHOO!!!!

Frustrated!

When somebody ask you a question, should you answer?

Or should you just shut the fuck up to avoid saying things that might make things worse than it already seems?

When somebody made a mistake, should he apologize, admit his mistakes, and promise he won't (hopefully) repeat it again?

or should he (again) just shut the fuck up to listen to the other person frustratingly scolding him regarding the mistakes he made to avoid the other person to use what he replied against him?

This is fuckingly frustrating. People made mistakes. i know i did mistakes. heck, who doesn't when it was one's first time doing something? i need more practise, i know.

But do you HAVE to repeat those mistakes and scold me about the mistakes i ALREADY KNOW along the way?? I'm SORRY i did it. But when you babble the mistakes i made along the way when i'm driving, it distracts me and i panicked because i was worried that mistake will happen again. Your orders and babbling drive me nuts!

If thousands of other people out there can bloody drive a car, why can't i? give me a chance for heaven's sake! it was only that ONE MISTAKE!

My own room!!!

so cool!

i finally like--- got my own bedroom!

thanks to my mom! (^^) wuvv u shooo much!!

finally a private space of my own!!! I finally got it!!

Because all my life, i never get to have my own room. I had to share with my sisters. It's not that i don't like to share with them or i don't like them.

I'm just a private person who likes to be all by myself, and i don't mind being alone in a place that much actually. i don't even have much friends because i am not good at socializing.

Even when i'm in a university, i have to share my room with someone.

I would really love to have my own room. and yesterday i suggest it to my mom to turn the store back room to become my room if we wont be moving out until this mid year.

The next day she really did it for me.

Thanks so much. i really appreciate it!

YEAAAAY!!!!

Drivibg frustration

It's hard to keep yourself in a motivated mood and thoughts when this driving teacher kept on observing and pointing at your mistakes.

And it's even more frustrating when you are not given the chance to correct the mistakes you made, and wasting your precious and limited 8 hours driving lessons time by punishing you to do the boring and same thing thing that you already know.

I don't think 8 hours are enough for driving lessons.

But i'm desperately trying to motivate myself that i CAN drive. (T.T)

YES I CAN!!!

p/s: my legs hurt due to driving huhu

a strange sound?

Ok, i'm up at 5 something in the morning right now.

That is NOT my usual time regarding waking up in the morning. I was up because i gotta pee. After that i couldn't go back to sleep so i decided to just stay up.

I went down to surf the internet instead.

And something weird happened.

Suddenly, i heard this unusual sounds of a bird imitation from some kind of a machine, only faster in speed and definitely louder coming from outside. You can tell it was NOT a sound of a bird, and it was more towards a sound of a machine or a bird machine instead. It was a strange sound.

I bend over to the window and when i'd moved the curtains to see where the sound come from, the sound abruptly stops.

ABRUPTLY. a real bird doesn't stop singing that way. a machine does, when it was suddenly turned off.

Ok, then i continued surfing the net. a few minutes later i heard the same sound again. this time i manage to look out through the window but i couldn't find anything that could relate to the sound in logical sense.

Ans again, the sound would suddenly stopped abruptly.

This continued for about an hour.

And in my mind, my first impression towards the strange sound was "aliens."

p/s: i watched & read too many sci-fi stuff. but i didnt lie about the strange sound.

Thankful

2 Last sem's result: around 3 pointer. (atas pagar)

Latest last sem's result: still around 3 pointer, still (atas pagar)

The result had not improved neither decreased (is that correct?) for the past few semesters.

Maintained under 3.10 and above 3.00 despite the awful stress.

grateful...

The craziness came to me again (^^)

My boyfriends, and will always be my beloved boyfriends are;

Zack Fair & Cloud Strife.

I love both of you guys forever & ever!

Torture to 'death'

I can't stop whining about a lot of problems.

Its just me. my habit. thats just what i usually do to let out the stress.

But this time, my inner voice kept on screaming at my ears.

"Go fucking do something to change your life. You gotta start from somewhere somehow. Small steps are fine. The least you should do is to start moving your ass to work that out from somewhere."

And this time i wanna do it right.

Crying, tears, cursing, whining, that is all part of the change.

This year i will make sure i TORTURE myself to the limit that i myself cannot stand it. I will torture myself to the limit where i would fucking hate myself for doing it.

THE ultimate limit.

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!

2010: a year of change

Positive mindset. 2010 is a year of change

a year where i am officially an adult.

my favourite age. my favourite year.

And i'll make sure i'll leave eternal footprints of positive memoir within the year.

Here's the list.

1) Be a hardworking student and score at least 3.5

2) Be a better slave to Allah

3) Exercise every evening as a routine; (must reach 55kg by my next birthday)

4) Finish my novels and send them to be published

5) Get driving license and get used to drive cars

Okay ladies and gentlemen. 5 big goals to achieve within the year. deadline will be my birthday. my next 21st birthday that is. And when the time comes, we'll see the result. (^,^)

p/s: please let me be able to continuously motivate myself! there's only 5 goals to achieve within 365 days!

I suck.

I'm terrible. I suck. I really suck.

And i doubt on making changes this coming 2010.

Suck at becoming a helpful person.

Suck at studying.

Suck at love.

Suck at being grateful.

Suck at controlling my appetite.

Suck at making friends.

Suck at comforting friends.

Suck at trusting the right people.

Suck at being a good slave to god.

Suck at everything, i guess.

The only thing i think i'm good at is... Well... Lying. Pretending. Hurting people. Cursing. Playing the guitar. Writing novels. Hmm, what else?

Nah, i'm pretty much of a loser actually.

It's time to make some changes. Stop being sorry for myself. DO SOMETHING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

It's time to make a fucking I-Must-Do-These-Things-By-End-Of-2010 checklist.

A year that i have been waitting for.

Okay... this sucks. This really sucks.

I have no access to my favourite internet connection at home.

Although i'm currently struggling to take my license, that strange feelings of excitement that should accompany me had long fled my heart and soul.

Pendek cerita, sudah tawar hati.

I'm rushing to take my license under the name of responsibility and not just for fun anymore.

And next year, i'm going to step into adulthood. Which is pretty cool actually.

But the problem is that...

The package comes with a set of heavy responsibilities and heavier loads of ASSIGNMENTS.

Shit. No fun anymore.

Red Handed.

He's really a true writer.

A writer can always make up stories anytime, anywhere.

or in other words, bluffing.

He's a true writer alright. That's the positive way to look at this particular matter.

Because the negative way to look at it was;

He was caught lying.

RED HANDED. BY ME.

p/s: how darn pathetic and desperate can you be?

Welcome to Adulthood~

2010. I'm hoping to make changes within that year. Striving towards excellence.

Because it's the very year that i turn 21.

A number that qualifies you officially into adulthood.

And for that, i have to be more responsible not just to myself but also others. I'm not a kid anymore therefore i have to make sure i can do things without relying on people anymore, especially my parents.

and hopefully i'll manage to graduate, get a job, buy my own house, car, furnitures, stuffs, and get married as soon as possible.

God, i just can't wait to grow up fast!

p/s: i hate teenagehood. adulthood here i come~!

Death of an unknown neighbour.

There was a disturbing and shocking news today.

My..Erm... snobbish neighbour was found dead in his home today, about 2am by his wife.

How did i know? Because my mom heard the wife cried out and scream out loud when she found her husband was lying dead on the bed, in their master bedroom.

We have always called him 'Cicak Kubing' as he was really, really thin. Like skeleton thin.

We were told that that neighbour of ours had been really sick for a week. And today he died in his sleep.

I don't know what to say. Of course it was a bit shocking. but just a bit. Although we have been neighbors (as in LITERALLY next door neigbors) for 8 years, we hadn't actually gotten to know each other. Despite of my mom being really kind and helpful to comfort the wife and was first there when the discovery of his death happened, the wife didn't even remember my mom's name. But my mom remember hers.

That's one of the example of how snobbish and how 'unclose' we were with each other. They weren't friendly people. In fact they despise us, especially the dead husband. he thought it was like a bad luck to have malay neighbors next to them. And ironically the malay neighbor was the one that was there to help them when they were in trouble.

I don't feel any grief at all. In fact i think it's really interesting to be witnessing a real Chinese funeral happening right next to your home. And it's really interesting to know and witness someone you know died, and he lived right next door. I've never experience much deaths of people, especially of the ones i know.

But it's kinda shocking you know. You'll never know when your turn will be.

p/s: awwh! they put on curtains to block others from viewing the funeral! damn!

Deep hatred to a particular human.

I feel like i wanted to cry but there's no more tears left in me.

Or that i refused to let the tears fall down for an unworthy human.

I don't give a shit about a guy who doesn't love and care about me.

And i don't give a damn about people who just never bothered to care.

I have enough of getting hurt.

I hate you so much, you fucking asshole. I hope you'll die soon. I WISH for your death to come soon!

Die and rot in hell!!!

Fuck guys who think they're just too good for any women.

FUCK!

God, i just can't stand this fucking fury. It's burning!

I HATE HIM!!!! I HATE HIM LIKE SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!

FUCK HIM!

p/s: reader's discretion is advised.

checklist.

I love exploring new places.

I mean new cities.

Many things happened and i don't know where to start.

First, exam.

Second, i can't wait to get my license done.

Third, i LOVE walking while exploring new cities and shopping complexes even though my legs felt like it would come off my bones. It felt like exercising.

Fourth, I need to stay putting and loving myself more than other people; of which i mean by men.

Fifth, this FUCKING WEIGHT MUST BE REDUCED TO AT LEAST 20KG!

I'm really desperate. Like desperado desperate. I need to lose my fucking weight. I need to go thin. I can't stand it being fat like this.

Oh and another thing. i need to do something regarding my skin. it frequently grew ZITS all over em and it wont go away even though after i've tried MANY different types of face cleanser.

The final matter. Change my perspective, my view to more positive thinking and actually doing something good instead of complainning.

oh yeah. I need to shut my mouth more frequently. I just talked too much. Okay, i complained too much. I just hate my boring and pathetic life. oops, there i go again.

But its the fucking truth!

this will all be done. I'm sure of it! and it starts TODAY!!!

a secret you need to know about us writers.

Should i trust him? Should i? After all those fishy lies i smell from him?

Or was it really a lie after all? am i only being paranoid?

I know it's a lie. I know it. He's a writer, just like me. I know how a writer thinks. Writer create stories by making up lies. First of all it would be imaginary. Soon it grew into a real lie as write always feel desperate for people to really believe in order to give their all in understanding the writer's stories.

Writers, usually are a loner and do not have much friends and do not often socialize with people. That is why they love to write and prefer writing. For writers like us, writing is a tool to express ourselves, our emotions and our desire. Writing is a way we socialize.

The truth was that we are a bunch or lonely and pathetic group of people.

But sometimes... No, ALL the time. Most of the time, writers tend to take things overboard by creating stories not only by writing but by saying it out and convince it to people around them.

Professional writer@liar (*coughcough* eg: me!) will make sure their lies are good enough and the flaws were all invisible to others. but there are a lot of amateur writer-turn-to-liars that fails to cover the flaws. If you fail to cover them then people will know its a lie. When people find out the truth, things will get ugly. no one likes to be cheated. not even liars.

So this guy, he's a writer like me and we have involved each other deeply. I can't say we have known each other for ages because we just...well, kinda just met. but i've known a lot about him already. And we have this 'supposely' deep feelings towards each other of which i am desperately trying to avoid so i don't get hurt again.

And this damn writer guy.... I can sense and pick up on his lies. I am a professional. i know, and i think even anyone would notice his flaws in his story he told me. Not i'm starting to feel really suspicious over this dude. I'm not saying he's a liar, yet. But i'll be careful. I'll watch my back and make sure he i am prepared. I will notice his trap before he presented it to me. I'll make sure of that.

I just hope you're not actually lying, writer dude. Because i really don't want to hate you.

My kind of drugs.

i'd forgotten how good it feels like to write the old-school way.

The traditional way, you know?

The paper and pen way.

God, if i write on a piece of paper, i find it hard to stop. Its a feeling of ecstasy, a sense of satisfaction when you look at your own beautiful handwriting, and when you look at the empty paper that will finally be filled with your own writings.

Instead of when writing on multimedia paper (Microsoft word, duh~), i notice that the 'blockage of words and ideas' doesn't happen often when i write them on paper. And because of the addiction of writing on paper, i manage to wrote a whole over 60 books of scripts! Yeah, trust me, i did them. It all started when i was young. 11 years old, i think. And stopped at 17, due to SPM.

I manage to write the scripts continuously because of the passion and addiction when writing on paper. Seriously, i get addicted when writing stuff on paper.

But the problem now is that i need to write them back on the freakin' multimedia paper, and that work is TIRING and BORING. So i thought its better to just write them straight to the multimedia paper instead of on paper.

And soon the addiction was gone. Until i tried writing them back on paper today.

God, the addiction came rushing through my veins as if an ex-junkie took drugs again after stopping for dozens of years. God, it feels so good!

I love writing, and one of the reasons is PAPER and PEN.

I'll never be able to live without them.

Adults only. (reader's discretion is advised)

I hate threats.

Especially fucking ridiculous threats.

Threats such as "take good care of me okay? or else you'll lose me; a handsome guy that everyone is dying to have. it will be a pity and such a waste if you didn't manage to care for my feelings as i'm such a good looking guy. If you fail to care for my heart, perhaps one day i'll run away and find other girls to be with."

Handsome your ass.

You think you're the only guy i can tackle? Your statement made me nauseous! Urgh! You have NO idea how many guys that's dying to have ME!

Yeah, fuck you bastard. I have enough of your stupidity and i can't tolerate them anymore.

Go and find some bitches to be with, asshole. I don't give a damn. GOODBYE!

p/s: macam kau handsome sangat! nak muntah aku!

Glad's it's finally OVER!

Ok, honestly said.

I'm so pissed and unsatisfied with the marks given by the lecturer regarding my debate presentation. I mean, urgh! 71/100?! I can do way better than that!

Damn.

But it's just useless to regret. At least now i know how debate is being carried out. Remember, more statistics, evidence and examples idiot.

At least i'm finally done with the stupid assignments. Going to be done with the stupid exams next. After that i'm gonna do my license!

Not to mention writing down what the voices wanted me to do. I'm just glad that this sickening semester is finally over.

Remember! Next semester no more stupid mistakes like this!

p/s: License~~~~~~ (O,O)

These voices in my head, they're speaking to me.

I'm hearing voices in my head again.

And i'm loving every minute of it. Listening to 'them' talking is like being intoxicated of ecstasy. It calms me down, and it drives me to the very edge of satisfaction. It kept me sane, motivated, and looking forward in life.

Those voices, it drives depression away from me, or drives me away from depression. Any way can do.

I want to keep the voices whispering as long as i can, and lure the voices to get other voices to speak to me as well. The more voices i hear and the more longer it stays, the more sane i feel, for longer period of time.

It is an indescribable sense of pure honey of satisfaction. The sweet taste. I can barely taste them on my tongue. As if feeling a warm and tight bear hug from a huge person.

I'm loving every second.

I need to write their dialogues so i don't forget.

**** responsibilities. This is my life i'm talking about. The only thing that mattered is the thing that kept you going, something that you enjoy doing in life. You live only once. Sometimes irritating chores such as responsibility should be put aside to make way for your passion in life.

p/s: because in the end, only your happiness that truly mattered.

These visions are 'haunting' me

A pair of glowing eyes.

Tears running on his cheeks.

A grin of a creature with wings, hiding beneath the shadows.

A sword on the back of a loyal warrior, swears to protect to his last drop of blood.

Blades clashing.

Tears of a woman and a boy.

Man and Woman holding hands, locking their pair of eyes.

Another pair glanced at them with a frown and walk away from the scene.

Forbidden love.

Hypocrisy and conspiracy of the trustworthy.

A man standing with his back facing his master, with a sword in his grip, ready to assault the enemies that charge towards them.

A guy carrying his friend towards the battle field and attacks anyone or anything that tries to stop him from going further.

A scream of spirit, courage, and sacrifice.

A heavy rain, a pool of blood, and motionless body.

Endless tears.

p/s: Lol these are actually the ideas that had been hanging in my mind. I thought of writing them here so i dont forget.

Be a professional liar at least will you?!

I hate it when somebody lied to me.

It's OK to lie, as long as i DON'T KNOW the truth.

So please, if you want to lie to me about anything, it's not that i forbid you. You can. But please, i'm begging you pleaaaaasssssseeee don't ever let me find out or know the truth in any way!

A lie will not be a lie when the truth is hidden. AND STAYS HIDDEN.

I desperately want to believe in you. I seriously do. But you're not good at lying. Please, don't hurt me like this. If you never like me in the first place, you don't have to pretend you do. Spit it out, i really appreciate honesty.

But if you're going to lie, make sure the truth STAYS HIDDEN FROM ME.

Because i can't tolerate anymore foolishness of male species towards female kinds.

Just don't make me hate you, dear because things will get ugly when i do.

p/s: I'm serious. Don't ever mess with me.

Am i suffering from some disease??

Let me be honest with you.

There's something wrong with me. No. There's DEFINITELY something wrong with me.

I noticed that recently i fail to speak fluently, even in malay.

I often fail to find words and slow at arranging them into a clear and understandable sentence in order to get a particular messaged conveyed.

Recently I also stuttered a lot when speaking. Be it, malay or english.

My mind is getting slower at picking up everything. From understanding a simple speech or text, to generating vocabularies.

The worst part of them all was of course, the speaking part. Everytime i tried to explain something to someone, or even simply chatting, i always had to pause for a few times to think, rearrange and generate proper sentence and way to say them before i speak them out.

Because everytime i tried blurting them out fluently, it always end up a freakin' stutter and 'rojak, terabur, bersepah-sepah' kind of sentences. Which made me looking like a total idiot.

I don't know why. My brains just.... Starting to degrade i think. It's starting to work much slower, comprehend matters much slower, and slower and slower and slower. Everything seems to be working out slower than before.

My mind's not that 'rusty' kind of slow, but slow as if the gears in my brain was all covered with a very thick liquid that made them turning slower than before. All sticky as if a box of glue had drop on them.

What is wrong with me?!

me, a freak observer

Yesterday I was travelling home in the infamous KTM.

It was filled with people, as usual. Very, very crowded. Luckily i get to sit down or else i would be cursing all the way *(insert laughter here)*

On my right seat was this elderly woman, i think around her 50's. On my left seat was an elderly woman of the same age as well.

And during those packed and silent moment, i thought about these two women.

The one on my left, she wore literally a spaghetti! (the singlet-thingy) and she's around her 50's for heaven's sake. Her make up was terrible. Her cheeks looked bright puffed reddish as if it were smacked and bruised, not matching with her badly tanned skin. not to mentioned it looked like a bulldog's cheek. Her hair was undone, straight, jet black, and longer than mine. It goes to the level of her breast (which obviously shows with that type of clothing she wore, only that it lacks of 'elasticity'). I still remember saying to myself that she has a nice, body. Any men will fall for her if they looked at her from the back. However, from the front~ (insert bad-looking image here) you get the picture.

an immediate thought reached my mind; doesn't she ever feel embarrassed wearing that kind of clothing, at that kind of age?? with that make up??

On my right side, this woman wore a bit decent clothes than the one on my left. common t-shirt and knee-level shorts. But i cant help noticing her staring at her digital camera, browsing and looking at pictures of her going on a holiday with her family (i think). She made me question a lot to myself when she kept zooming each picture of her to see her face close-up. She also had A LOT of her picture taken although she looked old and.... Well.... Not that pretty. Old.

It made me wonder why. Doesn't she feel embarrassed of taking pictures with that old and not-so-beautiful look? and why did she kept zooming the picture to see her face close up? Did she actually felt proud of her own looks even though she looked old and not-so-pretty? or did she actually felt insecure of her own looks and was worried, was in search of any visible flaws? perhaps thats why she zoomed each of her picture?

Oh and one more thing. I can't take my eyes off this one particular guy. he looked like Azrul Raja Lawak, u know. His hair style, even his looks! well except that he's taller, and not chubby like Azrul of course. In fact, his body is tough-looking. but i noticed something weird. he looks so handsome.

But he wore fake glasses.

How can i tell? Fake glasses has reflection when light penetrates through them. Genuine glasses don't.

Gosh i observed and think a lot about people around me when i'm freakin' bored.

Colouring my blog (^^)

I love my the new look in my blog.

It's no more.... Dull looking. Lol.

It's dark, yet colourful, bright, and cheerful. Much more inviting to read 'em.

Don't you think so? (^^)

My lips are sealed.

Keeping secrets are hard.

Keeping your mouth shut and your wills caged behind bars are hard.

Not until i get the confirmation that it is genuinely true, my mouth will stay shut.

With locks, chains, zippers and all.

These male species, they never take female seriously huh?

Not until they realize they've lost them.

p/s: this includes you, Mr. Romantic. *Tapping fingers*

I don't care, and perhaps never will.

Guys in my life come and go.

They never stay.

Somehow they'll just disappear one day. Sometimes without reason.

And i just never feel bothered to care. If you need me, come find me. I'm not going to go looking for you like a pathetic desperado.

Which is why.... I can never stay loyal in a relationship.

I'm sick of getting hurt.

You're just too sweet, my dear.

He's super sweet. Super romantic. And i'm talking serious crap here.

Like, seriously. He's the guy with the red rose (or teddy bears), with the sweet words that made your heart melt like a chocolate under the sun, that made your knees weakened.

The guy that never gets bored to surprise you with gifts in any form just so he'll able to see you smile.

The guy that will always make you laugh.

The guy that will protect you from harm, and willing to die because of you.

The guy that will wrap you tight in his warm arms and tell you that you will be safe in his care, that everything is gonna be alright.

The guy that will stare at you lovingly and smile to your every silly mistake.

The guy that worries when you're sick and will never leave your side.

The guy that will catch each drop of your tears and comfort you when you feel hurt.

The guy that shares your responsibility with him, and believes in doing everything together.

The guy that puts you as his first priority and himself, second.

The guy that believes in marriage, and wants to build a family with you

The guy that will always love and forgive you no matter what you do, and stay with you no matter what happens, he will always be there for you.

The guy that will stay with you, and will do literally ANYTHING for you just to make you feel happy.

The guy that will never, ever hurt you.

The guy that sincerely loves you just for who you are.

He's your man, and i won his heart in my palm.

Too romantic perhaps.

Sometimes romance shouldn't be taken overboard.

Because sometimes it sickens me.

p/s: i'm really sorry dear. but i still DO appreciate everything you did. It's... Too sweet.

Feel way better. Don't ruin my mood.

Finally. I feel much better now.

Thanks to 'Flushed Away'.

I just need to watch comedies and have a laugh whenever these stresses are bothering my freakin' head.

I feel much better. Way better.

And please, stop asking me about my damn studies or assignments because i'll just start to freakin' curse again. Those are the cause of my stress and i don't wanna hear anything about it. i don't even wanna HEAR the word or anything RELATED to the freakin' matter so please.

Ask about something else.

I repeat! DO NOT ASK or even MENTION about my studies or ANYTHING THAT RELATES TO THAT PARTICULAR MATTER. <-- (Please take note!)

Or else you'll ruin my good mood. You don't want that to happen. Trust me. it won't be pretty.

p/s: More comedy please!!! (^^)

Please. Just shut up, girl.

Everything seems wrong when i'm trying to let out my feelings, my anger, my fury, these heavy load of stress above my shoulders. Everything seems fucking wrong.

When i look into the mirror, i see a pathetic, fucking fat girl who has no life. A fat girl. And i hate her. i hate her to the bottom of my heart, i swear i hate her.

Die, you fucking fat bitch.

Everytime i let them out, there will always be people mocking me, judging me. It seems as if i no longer have a place to tell all my problems, and to... just... listen to me.

Those people. They never understand. All they do is giving solutions. Telling me to be patient, to pray, to be patient, to pray, blah blah blah.

God, i just want a moment of silence and cry them out for heaven's sake. i just want you to listen, and to understand. not to mock me. You don't have to speak. I just want you to listen.

Perhaps i needed some space of my own. Just trap myself inside this box and never ever let anyone enter. Trapping all my cries and pathetic curses inside me. perhaps i need to start keeping secrets. I don't need them to judge me and mocking me, enough is enough. I hate myself, enough said. I don't need you to make me hating myself and people around me even more.

Nobody understands. perhaps i just need to shut up rather than talk too much.

Yes, perhaps that's what i should do. I talk too much. I complain too much. This time let me just sink them inside me and torment me slowly. Let these fucking 'insects' eat me to crumbles. Continue living inside this endless hypocrisy of life. They will never understand me. They'll never know who i truly am.

Perhaps i need to shut up now.

Yes. i'll do just that. Amen.

p/s: I hate crying, it hurts my head a lot.

No, he's not the one.

i thought i've probably met the guy i can trully 'trust'. You know, the prince charming, the knight on the white horse blah blah blah~

But yeah~ everyone's not perfect.

And i think i can't accept his kind of imperfection. i can't live with it, i'm sorry.

who's next in line?

NEXT!!!

The 'dark' side of mine~

Sometimes i wonder.

No, i wonder about this EVERYDAY.

How does it feels like to lose one's mind?

To lose one's sanity?

How does it feels like to lose control?

How does it feels like to hurt yourself? Torture yourself? to jump off a building?

How does it feels like to be mentally ill?

I often wonder about these things, you know. Negative stuff. Killing. Dying. Tragedy. I've always wondered about matters like these since i was still an innocent child. Seriously. When i looked at the top of any tall buildings, my mind will imagine a body falling from that top of the building, smashing his/her head to the ground. Splattered brain.

When i'm at a tall place myself, i will imagine how would it be to jump and fall down from that height.

My favourite, yet most feared tragedy would be dying in a car crash. I always imagined myself in a car crash whenever i'm riding on a vehicle.

When it's rainning, i would imagine someone being struck by lightning.

And then i ponder for a while; me, thinking all these freaking violence and negative stuff, does that makes me a pathetic person in real life? Does that makes me an emo?

I don't think so.

I only think and write that way. But seriously, outside in reality, i can never be much more happier. In reality, i portray myself as a cheerful person who's able to control and take control of her own life. I can do anything if i WANT to.

People might look at me as somebody who (literally) complains a lot but will still get things done fast, fast, fast. I don't like problems. I hate procrastinating. When i have problems, or even desire, i get them achieved and done, and settled ASAP.

Which is probably why people tend to look at me as a cheerful, happy, problem and stress-free person. I tend to channel the stress into writing.

Sometimes i just hate being happy. Because there's nothing i can talk neither share about with people.

Deep inside i'm still that little kid who's freakin' obsessed with all sorts of negativity. And i will still 'see' people jumping and falling off from top of buildings whenever i see them.

p/s: My ex-bf seemed really bothered when i told him about this dark side of mine.

I hope you understand.

There was one time; I remembered he was lying on the couch, relaxing while watching TV. Then I climb upstairs to fetch something. His eyes tailed me. When I was about to disappear from his sight, he asked

“You’re not gonna talk to me, are you?”

I can sense stinging of sadness in his voice, as if he feels really disappointed that I rarely speak to him anymore. I told him I was only going to take some stuff from upstairs, not that I don’t want to talk to him. But deep inside, I knew that he guessed them right.

Its not that I don’t want him to be with me anymore, I just….. I don’t feel like talking to him. I just want to look at him and having him to accompany me wherever I go, but not to talk to me.

I just wanna see him smile rather than talking to me. I'm really sorry. (T_T)

I really hope you'll understand.

The wrath of literature's blockage~

Ignore me, ignore what i said.

Ok, i lied. Don't ignore me.

I lied again. Ignore me.

I just don't know what to think of anymore.

These damn last-minute-given-assignments is making me sick.

What's making things all worse is that i'm currently experiencing writer's idea blockage.

I feel sick. Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick.

p/s: I need to watch a lot of good movies and read a lot of good books, darn it.

Losing confidence in my own passion *cry*

I hate it when i'm obsessed with other people's artworks instead of mine

Why can't i become obsessed with MY OWN piece of work?

Why must i think mine as a junk? as a useless piece of crap that others never take for granted?

Why can't i have creative ideas like them?

My artwork SUCKS!!! *banging my head to the wall*

Hubungan Suami Isteri --> PLS READ!

This fact is true.

And i hope the muslim guys will understand this and change their way of thinking towards us females.

READ THIS --> Hubungan Suami Isteri!

I want to apologize officially to EVERYONE

today i've met someone i know well. I know him really well.

And i.... 'lied' to him about something unavoidable and private.

After that he started saying something else.

Those things he said... It hurt me a lot.

Not because he tease me or something, but he said something that shows his determination regarding the lie i told him about.

He really believes 'it'. and i felt really, really bad.

But revealing the truth will make things much worse.

I just hope you'll forgive. In fact, i hope everyone i hurt and lie to would be able to forgive me without them knowing the truth. I feel so bad. So... soo bad.

p/s: (T~T) i feel like crying when i hear what that man said to me.

A message to myself --> Start 'CLEANING'!

There's too much going inside my head.

Due to too much reading. (fiction stuff *coughcough*)

If my mind is a bedroom, i bet it looks like a horrible mess as if a tornado had an overnight stay.

You get the picture. Right?

There's too much stuff going on in my head. Too much.

And i just don't know where to start 'cleaning' them and where to 'put' the right 'things' at the right 'place'. (if ya know what i mean.)

Each time i wanna start 'cleaning' the messy 'bedroom', i will have to search for the right music to work with it. I 'clean' with music as a 'theme' to tune and set the right mood in.

Now the music is on. (in fact i got 2 theme songs for this 'spring cleaning session')

And.... The music has been playing.... For several weeks now.

And .... There's still no (ANY) sort of 'cleaning' progress going on yet. (T.T)

Its not that i don't wanna start 'cleaning' them, its just that i have a lot of other much more important things to do in my life!

Such as.... Checking my mail and surfing the net? XD

Lol kidding. such as EXAMS, and ASSIGNMENTS and LACKING OF SLEEP (due to checking emails and surfing the net lmao~ XD)

Darkie, i hope you can bear waitting for me to clean you up a'ight? i promise i will. Just that its not now. Oh and please don't kill the music. Let it play.

I don't want the 'mood' to die.

p/s: Zack, stop bothering with my mood! i can't be thinking about you all day in my life! Gimme a break! i'm already freakin' in love with you! Isn't that enough?? *pull his spiky hair and hit his head while he groans* lol~

I want him to stay. At least for now.

I begged him once, "Please don't ever leave me."

He looked me in the eye and smiled tenderly. "I'll stay as long as you remember me, and I'll leave when you no longer need me."

I smiled back and hugged him tight, feeling really safe.

And in a slow voice, i can hear him whisper under his breath, "I know you will soon forget about me. When that time comes, i'll walk away with a smile, knowing that you've finally found a reason to beam and i'll disappear as if i have never existed. But don't worry. When you need me, i will always come back for you."

He's right. I know deep inside my heart that he will disappear from my memories one day. His presence is only temporary.

I just hope the time isn't now.

Because right now, i need him with me, and i need him really bad.

how to lose weight?? does anyone know???

Seriously, i need to start doing something to lose weight here.

A son of my mom's friend manage to lose weight. He look so different!!

If he can, i can too!

i just need to know how (T_T)

God gave me a miracle.

A few days ago things looked gloomy.

i was 'subconsciously' sinking into stress-mode of which i can actually handle but refuse to.

Everything that came out from me was only the negative stuff.

Until yesterday and today, a miracle happened.

I just posted my psp for sale for RM750 and a few hours later a man called me. He said he wanted to buy the PSP right there and then. I was like. "WHAT??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???" and he said like 'hell yeah i'm damn-right serious'.

He came to my house. MY HOUSE, a few hours after he called me, paid me RM740 for my psp and business was settled. I just cant believe my baby zack (psp) had finally left me for good.

And it was just hard to believe that i finally got my money back from buying that psp! it was seriously like a miracle, and it happened so fast! I wonder why would that guy buy from me when he can straight away buying the psp cheaper from other people. But i suddenly thought "God is at work here." Oh God! Thank you!

And this gives me the opportunity to buy a new cellphone! and again, thanks to god, i manage to choose and own the most 'fittest' cellphone for me! i mean the cellphone is really, extremely perfect! It was as if God knows what i want and he give it to me right in front of my eyes!

It was like this. I have a goal; to lose 20kg. So i thought of doing some exercised but i fail to engage myself in any physical activity.

Ok, and suddenly today i encounter the most coolest cellphone that has a fitness device in it. It counts every step u take and the distance you've walked or run, and it counts how many calories have u burn. WOW!!! Just what i need!

God, thanks so much for cheering me up. (T,T) i feel really grateful.

Things just work smoothly these days.

screw up

I screwed up my muet paper.

I totally screwed up.

My mind was a complete blank when i stared at the complicated text. Everything was blurry. I fail to understand anything. Had a hard time answering.

And my mind was flying to slumber land when i was doing the listening test.

I felt terrible. I felt like a total ass.

my brain was filled with disturbing thoughts of exams, assignments, my future and "what-the-hell-am-i-doing-here-in-the-1st-place" questions.

I was lost of words. totally lost and blank.

I seriously screw up this time. I just can't take it any more.

sick, sick, sick.

i'm sick. i feel sick. sick. sick. sick.

I want a new cellphone.

I want a driving license (or able to drive at least.)

I want to continue writing about Darkness.

I want to lose weight.

I want home.

and i want them so bad right now.

pissed

We finish them, they pile them back.

We finish them again, they pile them back again.

I'm tired. TIRED!!!!

If only i could drive and have my own vehicle (T_T) i would run far away from this terrible place and never, ever come back!!!

stupid weight!

Allright i have enough!

Its time to make some changes!

20KG must GO AWAY from my body!!!!!

AARGHHHHH!

p/s: just pissed when i found out i gained weight.

Deja Vu

my life seems as if it has passed it's turning point.

And i'm starting my life from the bottom back again; when i have passion in writting, when i don't givadamn about boys, and when i was lonely, and pathetic.

Yes, deja vu it happened again.

I don't know why. It seems as if i have lost my guy friends. I mean like EVERYONE.

And i don't wanna care. Like i said, i just wanna write.

if they wanna come, they come.

fat = hate

There was one time when my chat friend asked me to mail my picture to him. I said ok and click on the picture folder.

As i was browsing for the best picture to send him, i noticed something.... That i find seriously, extremely irritating.

None of the pictures in my folder were good enough to send him.

I just noticed that i look extremely fat, and hideous.

When was the last time i took a picture of myself?

I don't remember. i bet it was a very long time ago.

Again, i repeat, i looked fat and ugly before, and even fatter and uglier now.

p/s: i just hate myself so much right now.

If only he could read this entry, he will be so proud! (^^)

My passion went to sleep because i was too busy with SPM finals.

The passion woke up when i was in my foundation year.

But again, it 'disappears' when my laptop was STOLEN (along with my novel documents!)

This time, the passion died instantly.

It was buried deep, deep, down inside me.

But after a year or two i think, thanks to Zack, the passion was reborn. Here's the story.

When i was playing a game in my PSP, i met Zack.

We get to know each other for a few weeks, but before i felt intrested in getting to know him better, he 'diseappears'. i gave up on him but i never forgot about him at all.

Until i decided to search for him and refresh out relationship. (^^) this time i get to know him better and even more deep. i learn a lot of stuff about his life that other rarely knows. The more i learn about him, the more interested i became. (soon i was obsessed haha!)

However one day, i found out he died (T_T) I loved him so much.

And his death has given my long-dead passion a second chance in life.

This time i won't lose it again. I won't let it die and leave me again like before. Go to hell with assignments and busyness! The passion of writting is back and that's all i ever wanted to do and felt worth doing in my life. The satisfaction of writting is paradise.

Thanks to Zack, his death will not be in vain. I promise i'll take a very good care of my passion's second life this time!

And in this new born passion & story i'm writting, you inspired the hero, zack. (^^)

I miss my passion *sob, sob*

The thing i currently hate the most.

When you've finished your assignments, the lecturers piled them up all over again.

fcuk you!

Oh but you know, now i finally manage to start off my ideas of my long-lost-passion.

There was this novel i wrote about fantasy epic adventure story, pending since i was 17 years old.

3 years pending. (0.O) until i manage to gain enough inspiration to start witting back about it.

Thanks to Zack. (^.^) i wuv yuuu shoooo much!

p/s: go to hell with assignments! i wanna write!

Freak me~

I did my best to finish ALL my pilling assignments within 3 days.

Non-stop

Yes, and i finally made it. *Yippee!* but you know, somehow after those assignments are finished, my heart seems to feel uneasy.

It was much calmer when i hadn't finish those assignments.

Somehow~ Assignments made me feel satisfied and happy in a way? (o.O")

p/s: OMG, i'm a total freak~

Please wait for me, zack~ (T_T)

I thought i would want to finish my assignments during the holidays.

Turns out my heart feels uneasy enough for me to start doing it before the holidays, thus...

Leaving the holidays for me to have nothing much to do.

I still refuse to meet zack (^^) He has to wait for me until the semester break~

Yes! manage to finally download videos to my psp!

Bring them on suckers!!!

Things are starting to get annoying.

As I have expected, there's going to be more assignments adding into the pending ones.

This ain't gonna stop until the final exam is around the corner. After that i'll be busy with studying for the fucking finals.

Looks like Zack and Cloud will have to wait for me.

So does Darkness. All of my favorites will have to wait.

p/s: Zack, Cloud, i promise i'll get this assignments done in a jiffy! Just wait for me!

Thank you, Zack & Cloud!

This is really stupid.

My obsession, ideas, and passion for witting flows non-stop at times when i feel busy the most.

And this inspiration comes from my drastic and sudden obsession towards the story line and the characters from Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core.

The idea is an epic-adventure genre; fantasy. I was stuck with the middle plot and didn't know what to insert in the story in order to spice up the conflicts in it. You know, getting it to appear dramatic, interesting, humorous, suspense and tragic.

Yeeeesssss I looooove tragic endings.

Happy endings are soooo cliche~ My aim of witting a story is to play with the emotions of my readers. Therefore the first step is the need to create a very good surrounding, story line and 'aura' for the plot and characters, getting the readers to feel very fond of them, to feel very close with the characters.

The next thing that happen will be of my power. *evil laugh*

I just hope this passion of mine will stay long enough until i have free time to re-arrange the plot, because i'm too busy to do anything this month (T_T) damn you, presentations and assignments!

p/s: my inspiration & passion always come and go. They're never going to stay permanently. I just hope it last long enough, i want to do this!. Pweeeeeeze!

I'm freaking obsessed with this!

I'm currently obsessed with the story line of Final Fantasy VII Advent Children & Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core.

The two games/stories are actually related.

Which got me seriously curious to know what's going on.

What actually happend to Zack and Aerith?? Did they die?? Cuz in the Advent Children, they both were potrayed as dead souls and somehow their deaths are related with Cloud until it causes Cloud to feel guilt-ridden for the rest of his life!

WHAT DID CLOUD DO?!!!

I saw something very hard to believe.

Ok, last night after i watched a movie, i saw something interesting.

There was this couple walking right in front of us. They looked sweet and loving.

Holding hands.

But here's the catch.

The boyfriends seems cute, average size body, stylo~ wearing those trendy glasses.

However the girlfriend? ermm.....

Big-Ass, Fat (fatter than me seriously) 'unstylish' and she wears those scarf tudung which really shows your chubbyness.

Long story short, she's not THAT pretty and she's really....Fat.

With a cute and gorgeous boyfriend who isn't fat, and even stylish and cute.

AND THEY WERE HOLDING HANDS!

OMG. How on earth can she have such a cute boyfriend?! (0.0) I seriously cannot believe this.

Because if she can, i also can! *insert evil laugh here*

I don't want him to leave~ (T_T)

Ok, lets NOT talk about pending assignments shall we? I want to talk about something else.

Erm... Just like i've mentioned, although the pilling work looked hectic, however i feel that my life is going smooth and clean.

Things are getting even better when i found out (accidentally) about somebody who lives just next door. I felt that FINALLY i have a 'guy friend' that i'm able to hang around with whenever i'm bored at home. Even better because we can just walk to each other's house to meet up and hang out.

*sigh* i don't understand whenever it's just a coinsidence or 'fate'.

Because our birth date also falls on the same 'day' which is the 21st.

But things will always messed up again whenever it's going pretty well.

He had to move either to another place further from my house or he'll quit his job and stay in his permanent house in Penang.

Somehow the news.... 'broke' my heart.

Cuz I'm gonna be alone all over again.

Now stranded at home~

Finally, i'm home after 3 weeks stranded in the middle of the palm tree jungle~

The first thing on my mind right now is downloading games in it.

After that, Movies~ LOL.

Hmm... Next? Thinking of eating something luxurious~

Or perhaps enjoying myself to go to places like....erm.... KLCC? Planetarium? Muzeum?

any suggestions?

Sick of assignments!

I hate flues. Hate catching a cold. Who does?

Busy week. But i don't seem to feel the busyness. I feel relaxed.

I don't give a damn about tests. Persetankan ia.

Tests = Go to Hell~!

I'm much more worried about the micro-teaching, unfinished lesson plans and unmemorized speech.

Somehow, my PSP made my heart feels much better. I just can't wait to go home and download new games in it. This time i'll save them in my laptop. a MUST.

And I have been thinking of 'balas dendam-ing' of this fucking week with nice, delicious foods that i don't get to eat everyday. Chicken Chop? Beef Steak? Lamb Chop? Pizza? Lasagna? Hurm~ what else?

Oh, and please remind me to change my fucking k770i's keypad.

p/s: Cepatlah berlalu, minggu bodoh! Aku nak cuti~!

Massacre vs Peace = ???

Studies are starting to get busy and chaotic.

But at the same time, my life seems to be looking much more calm, peaceful and under control.

I don't have that feelings of 'unpeacefulness' deep inside my heart and mind anymore.

Now that i know the truth from him, himself.

And things that motivates me to go on is:

Food & PSP!!!!!!

TESL/Studying = Waste of everything!

There's too many things that i have to finish within this month alone. Assignments, presentations, and micro teaching props. I know i can do this. I can. I can finish them all. It's not that hard. I just need to find the right time to do them.

Oh, okay. Not to mention a bunch of tests and exams.

THAT, i don't think i can score. (T.T)

Huhu... Looks like the ipod touch window shopping session will have to be postpone!

I haven't even started the conversation analysis and Gender & Age speech yet huuuuuu~ *Crying*

Fcuk tesl!!!! Arrrrrrrgggggh~!!!!

But you know, these damn assignments made me ponder something...

Terasa belajar adalah perkara bodoh kerana kita perlu keluarkan duit beribu-ribu untuk dapatkan ilmu yang boleh didapati untuk percuma. Perlu rugi sampai beribu-ribu ringgit untuk dapatkan sekeping sijil pengiktirafan yang belum tentu ada nilai dimasa akan datang.

Seriously, i'm starting to feel like continuing studies are the most stupidest thing you have to do in the world. You're better off collecting pahala for the afterlife or starting your own business and company. Lagi berbaloi. No need wasting so much money on fucking stuffs that you doubt will be useful in your future life such as TESL studies.

p/s: Feeling like TESL is a fucking stupid course. Belajar beribu-ribu habis and you'll end up being a school teacher with low salary. THAT IS REALLY STUPID.

Go and die, jerks!

I don't understand why I have become a magnet to jerks.

Jerks as in guys who comes to me for help.

Help as in 'MONEY'.

Do you bastards think i'm that WEALTHY?!

I'm just a fucking student for god's sake! I don't have a job! I don't have any incomes! And my parents are not rich! My dad never buys me anything expensive! I use my fucking loan and my own money to buy stuff i want!!!

It's ME who is in need of money and financial support from YOU GUYS!

p/s: I'm a frickin' lady, and it works that way. (who eats the chili will know how spicy it is.)

Whoa is that really HIM?

It was early in the morning. I was with my friend, riding the KTM heading towards Bank Negara station. But at Putra, my pair of sleepy eyes caught a familliar figure entering the same train as i was boarding at that moment.

I didn't lose him. I stared at him, wondering who he was. I KNOW that i know him. And i'm very extra, super duper surely more confident when that guy (it was a he) looked back at me and shared the same expression as i do.

He too, squint his eyes and stared at me like i did to him. Both of us were staring at each other, giving that I-Think-I-Know-You-From-Somewhere look.

Yeah, I was excited at the same time because we were sharing the same expression, meaning we surely know each other.

After a few seconds, i mouthed out his name of which i think it was his name, with an expression of asking a question . His expression was the same as well, and i caught his lips mouthing out MY name! Gosh! I was really super suprised!

The guy of which i thought was him, was REALLY him! He was my loooooong lost contact relative from my mother's side! How on earth can we meet coincidentally after we have lost contact for years?

Lol the funny and astonishing thing was that he still remembers me and remembers my NAME for heaven's sake even though we have not contacted each other for years (I've always thought myself as someone invisible in the family tree). I wished we have time to chat. He still looks the same as he used too. Except that he wasn't wearing glasses. But he still is a good-looking guy without glasses. (extra cute WITH glasses!)

We failed to even chat because the situation in the train was too quiet. We were only able to mouth out a few questions because he was standing quite at further distance from where i was sitting. Deep inside i was admiring him silently. Feeling really impressive for meeting a well-known relative but was lost contacted for years.

Those memories of my childhood playing with him at my kampung quickly floods in like a waterfall. Still soaking fresh in my mind. I still remember he played Lego bricks with me and my sisters and brother. The best part was when we played Saidina together with another male relative of mine. I was always losing money to him and he was gaining so much money and build hotels here and there. He laughed like a rich man (as if) every time we landed on his property and had to pay him thousand of dollars. That was until he received the tax card. After that he quickly went bankrupt.

Yeah after that WE had a great time laughing back to his face. LOL

Those childhood memories... Ah~ so sweet. *sigh* how i wish we can still be friends again like we were in childhood days.

How i wish i had the time to ask for his number! Darn!

p/s: because he looks really handsome now huhu~ (T.T)

This is....Suprising?

God... Seriously I think this is the very first time in my life that i received too much difficult assignments and I'm letting them to keep on pilling.

Damn. I never pile my assignments. NEVER!

What's happening to me? (T_T)

I know I can finish them. I just need the right time to settle them all at once.

Oh and another news. I can't believe it that my ex that i hated (which i cursed him in this blog) has finally approved my friend's request in facebook. Why am i suprised? Because before this i've sent him a friend's request for a few times and he rejected me.

All in a sudden, Yesterday, he accepted the request along with a new picture of him posted in facebook. (He doesn't upload his pictures in any social networking website before)

Before this, he's not active in chatting or involving himself in facebook. He prefers to sink himself in online games and not be bothered by others. But now, i noticed him starting to socialize in facebook with his other office mates. He posted a lot of personal statements instead of posting stuff for Mafia Wars like he used to

Long story short? He changed a lot.

Yeah I'm definetly over him already. I don't have that love towards him anymore. But I just couldn't help myself from updating his latest news. I still want to know whats going on in that guy's pathetic little life. What happened to that jerk with that selfish attitude?

It's like you wanting to know what happened to the villain's life in a story after he was caught or being an outcast. You want to know how the villain survives his life.

Sometimes its much more entertaining to find out about a villain's life rather than a hero's.