Lagu Perpisahan for SMVSB students & teachers

Guitar Chord: Am Dm G C

Bulan Januari bulan pertemuan,

Mengenal ragam timba pengalaman,

Maaf jika ada kesalahan,

Yang buruk menjadi sempadan.

Pahit, manis suka & duka,

kenangan kita bersama,

Pelajar, guru dan warden-warden,

Takkan kami lupakan.

chorus:

Jangan menangisi pemergian kami,

SMVSB kan setiasa di hati

Tidak kami sangka terlalu singkat tempohnya,

Kini sudah tiba waktu tuk kami berlalu

Terima kasih atas jasa semua,

kerana t'lah menjaga kami dara bertiga.

Repeat chorus (3x)

Written & composed by: Nizt89

Plannings for upcoming days ahead!

The torturing observations and days of hell in UNIHELL and practicum has finally reached its end. It's hard to believe that i have finally manage to reach to this level ALIVE! Hell yes i am excited to put these studying days to an end once and for all~!

What will i do next? the first two weeks will be a definite waking up late, watching movies, shopping, enjoying my total freedom like there will be no tomorrow~

The next two weeks, i'll sacrifice my time to finish the god-damn term paper like hell~ Go to UNIHELL to get it approved and leave that place for good.

The next week after that, i will try to do my resume and start applying jobs here & there.

The next few months before graduation, i see myself working part-time job or taking skill classes anywhere, or stay with a permanent job as i may have found myself a permanent job by that time heeee~ (^^)

These are only plannings. In the end, God will be the one who decides which path is better for me at the moment huhu~

Anyways, i'm glad my days of studies are finally OVER!

YEEEEHAAAAWWW!

Letter to Mr. Stuck-Up

To Whom-It-May-Concern,

I can't believe this is how you treat me after all those years of friendship.

Those supports & encouraging spirits i have been whispering to you, all those sweet moments we have been through together, all those laughter we share together, all those times where i have been by your side when you were lonely & needed someone to talk to...

All of them meant nothing to you now is it? And why?

Because you have been a stuck up since you've learned popularity & think i may not be good enough for you anymore?

Just because i confessed to you & wanted to know your true feelings, you deleted all those memories that we had together permanently?

Is it so hard to admit whether you love me, or like me as only your friend? Why is it so hard for you when i don't even mind if you don't have the same feelings for me like i do?

Why did you need to make the confession as such a big deal until it caused you to turn your back on me and walk away?

Why did you try so hard to avoid answering my questions on whether or not you like me?

Why are you running away from confrontation? Scared? of what? of losing me as your best friend?

Scared of commitment you need to give once you confessed you had the same feeling like i do?

Or scared of hurting me?

If your answer is any of those options above, guess what? you already hurt me, & the worse part is that you are the one who ran away, taking off the label 'best friend' from my forehead once you learned the truth from me.

Running away from answering my question.

Scared of commitment? Oh please, do you think i mind? I don't give a damn if i need to wait for any reason you would give me.

All i wanna hear from you is the answer from your heart, whether all those special treatment you have been doing to me actually meant something else deep inside your heart, or that it was only the treatment of a special friendship you appreciate very much?

If you really like me, then why did you run away? I don't mind waiting if that's what you're afraid of.

If you like me as only your good friend, then why didn't you just be honest & straight forward? I don't mind bitter truth, because i appreciate honesty very, very well. As long as you confessed the truth.

In fact, i would have been RELIEVED knowing that you don't have feelings for me, because it will solve the riddles & puzzles you have been playing with me, and that i don't need to play guessing games anymore. I hate guessing games. I hate groping in darkness, filling this head with only more & more questions. Which is why i really appreciate honesty.

Have you been lying to me? Why is it so hard f0r you to tell me the truth?

Why is it so hard for you to confront problems? Why is it that you always run away from problems ever since i've known you from the first time we met?

Please. Stop. Running. Away. And. Start. Being. Honest.

For the sake of both of us. For the sake of our friendship.

If you still care for it, tho. Which almost seems like you don't give a damn anymore, and that this old friend of yours you used to rely on means nothing to you any longer.

It's ok then. But all i wanna say, and desperately wanting you to listen to is this:

Please start being a man, Please be mature. Please stop being a coward.

Please.

Yours Sincerely,

A Terribly Disappointed Girl.

Tears within a happy smile

Soon, just a little sooner, these years of hell will end.

The hell of studying like a nutcrack everytime test or exams are around the corner

The hell of exams & test itself

The hell of assignments

The hell of presentations

The hell of boredom of being stuck in a middle of nowhere

The hell of watching all my money disappear into paying for the printouts, handouts and stuff for assignments & teaching at school without income coming in for the past 4 years

The hell of learning things i have no interest in.

The hell of listening to babbles of lecturers and other people who force us to become a teacher (as if~ huh!)

The hell of every single thing in studying, & study life.

I won't miss a single bit of it.

The same goes to my practicum. I don't hate practicum as much as i hate studying because practicum is actually an experience of working itself. The only problem is that we don't get paid during practicum & that we are continuously 'bullied' as the label 'practical teachers' are written so obviously on our foreheads ; and that is the negative part that i hate about practicum.

Aside from the terribly disrespectful students, lah.

But then when the end of practicum is coming, i realized that i am actually very fond of those students despite them making my blood boils everytime i enter the class. I realized that i actually care for them, i really do.

And that... I actually feel really, really sad when i look at their faces, knowing the fact that i will leave them one day and never turn back.

Despite them making me reaching to the wits' ends to the point where i literally lost my voice, cried, shouted like nuts, and got extremely angry that i left the class without saying a word.

*sigh* i sure am gonna miss those naughty kids.

But i do not, and will never regret my choice of leaving this field forever. I WILL NEVER TURN BACK, AND NEVER WILL I TEACH, EVER, EVER AGAIN.

Despite of all the good & bitter memories, i appreciate them, but teaching is NOT ME. I clearly state to my students that this will be the last for me to teach. I won't turn back to this field anymore.

NEVER.

a very surprising exam result

wow...

Both subjects for the last semester, i received A-.

For BOTH SUBJECTS

and my GPA is... Amazingly... 3.67

and i never got above 3.36 before this, u know!

the last semester and the last 2 subjects, i received an A.

WOW!!!!

Thank you GOD!

Asking Your Opinion

Is it true when we think of a particular person too much, it will somehow sends a kind of brainwave to the person to suddenly give a thought about us as well? Was it the result of the Almighty at work to give us a chance to relief our heavy missing, or was it just a plain coincidence? Was it fate, or destiny written by God, or was it just a mere occurrence that brought no meaning?

It happened to me though. And it sure does confuse me.

I happen to think a lot about this one person today, especially when I watched the kids playing football and when I listened to the karaoke songs sung by my friends earlier today. I was thinking, “How nice will it be if I am able to watch him playing football live, either for his match or just for training.” We have been friends for so long, since 2008, and I still don’t get a chance to watch him play. I feel terkilan. Extremely terkilan, if you know what it means in malay.

Me & him, we are… What you can call, best friends. He claimed that I am his only female friend that he has the closest. He doesn’t contact any other female friends and tends to avoid female friends since he is actually quite popular among them. By popular, I mean he has fans. Yes, FANS. Females are head over heels over him since before he became a state football player because he was the school’s olahragawan, and double the times now after he became a state football player. And like I said, due to his popularity, he tends to avoid the female species. He is unlike the normal guy who takes advantage of popularity. He doesn’t like women going tergedik-gedik at him. He is a traditional-type guy who prefers the term guy approaching women, and not ‘perigi cari timba’. Another reason why he tends to avoid the female species is that his last girlfriend died of cancer and he still loves her. So he became loyal in a way, by not flirting around with girls as he wishes.

How did we become best friends with his reserved personality against women? Well, God has written that we were destined for each other hahahahaha~! Just kidding, I meant god has destined that somehow his heart was opened to find a female friend. Just a single female friend and it happened to be me. How? Well, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. And suddenly this ex-boyfriend’s friend took my number and gave it to the soon-to-be-state-football-player-who-was-currently-unemployed. I still don’t know why he chose to give my number to him out of all the girls this ex-boyfriend’s friend has in his list (since he actually has like dozens of pretty female friends, I’ve seen his myspace profile), or that why he chose ME, the ex-girlfriend of his own friend? I mean, we did meet of course once, ONCE. But we didn’t really talk. He was more of being present only to accompany my ex-boyfriend to meet my parents. But he doesn’t really know me or familiar of me. So how come he took my number from my ex-boyfriend just to give it to his other friend so that this other friend of his can finally have a female friend? Why me? The question remains, because that ex-boyfriend’s friend is currently at service with the air force and cannot be contacted easily. I will ask him one day, if he still hasn’t change his number.

Ok, so back to the story. The ex-boyfriend’s friend gave my number to this guy. And then we became friends ever since. And since he doesn’t have & tend to avoid females, I became the only female friend he has until today. Although his popularity has now doubled and that he seems to enjoy the new attention, but his female friend still remains one and only one, which is me. (oh~ so proud ahahaha!)

Feelings? Well, since we first became friends, I have already felt attracted towards him. But he remains reserved. He held back his feelings and always in a controlled manner especially now that he has become very popular. As for me? Hmm… I don’t understand myself, whether I am actually falling for him, or just liking him as a crush. Recently i told him that I felt abandoned since he became busy with his new job. I told him, he started treating me as if I am a mere fan of his than a best friend. He often answered my questions carefully, as if giving answers to journalists. It hurt me, and I told him because of that I felt abandoned. He apologized and promised to change, “Anything for you, as long as I don’t hurt you anymore. I won’t want to hurt anyone’s’ feelings, especially you.” Yes, that is the real sentence he told me. No, texted actually LOL. And you know what? He did change. Seriously, he meant his promise. He CHANGED.

He started texting me often and asked how I am doing. He even accompanied me like 24/7 when he has free time during the weekends. He never abandoned me anymore and we became closer than we used to. He even told me occurrences regarding his fans and the minor problems he faces. Major problems, so far still none. He never tells me his problems; with an excuse that he doesn’t want to burden me with his problems when I still have mine unsettled. The most amazing part is that since we became closer, he became a bit manja-like. You know, the flirty type of manja as in kissing in texts (eg: muahxx), jokingly telling me to go for a date with him, jokingly saying to come to kedah to his village and meet his family, and saying that he misses me so much when we finally get to contact during weekends after almost a week of silence. He NEVER does this to girls except me. And before this he didn’t treat me this way, you know? He started being so manja with me after I told him that I am attracted to him, I like him, I envy him when he tells me of his fans, and that I felt abandoned. He promised to changed, then he started to contact me more often, and that is when he began to show this random fondness.

I don’t want to misinterpret these signs because I fear of being disappointed. He never told me officially that he likes me too nor loves me. He doesn’t sound jealous when I told him of my male friends, and he often asks if I already have anyone in my life, sounding like a girl friend asking her besties if she has a new boyfriend to tell the story of him; as in, the excitement of a best friend wanting to hear stories from her best friend. *sigh*

If he does like me as much as I like him (or perhaps love, since I’ve recently thought about him so much as if I am falling in love with him), let him confess to me himself because he would prefer that way. If he doesn’t confess, so let it be. We will always remain best friends. And I will always remain loving him in silence. I will wait. I won’t put on much hope but I am always ready in case if he does have the same feelings towards me like I do.

And this lead to the thing that I wanted to tell actually. I’ve told you that today, I’ve thought about him so much, especially when I watched the students playing football and listening to the karaoke songs which can relate to him, to us. I’ve thought about him so, so, so much that I felt I missed him terribly, how I longed to meet him and watch him play, the falling-in-love-type-of-missing, or in malay we call it angau. I don’t know why my feelings turned this way, nor do I know if this feeling is love or plain crush.

And as I was lying down on the bed, thinking of him, I received a phone call from an unknown number. I answered the call to find a familiar male voice at the end of the line. He was asking if this is me and if I know who he is. I was scared to guess because I am scared if I guessed the wrong person, although I know in my gut that the voice belongs to the football player, my best friend. But I took the risk and guessed him anyway. He laughed happily and confirmed it was him. I asked him, whose number was he using and why not calling using his cell phone instead? He said he just ended his training and he felt like calling me, so he called using the public phone.

PUBLIC PHONE. A state football player who has like A LOT of FANS out there, was willing to use the PUBLIC PHONE to call ME, just because he FELT like it. And it happened when I was thinking so much about him today. You might think it is usual for it to happen. But listen, I have explained to you that this guy has hundreds of girl fans who are way better than me in every way. This guy is POPULAR within the whole country. And this guy, he doesn’t like using cell phones because he often receives random calls and texts from fans and other friends. He doesn’t like his privacy being disturbed especially by his fans, which is why he will turn his cell phone off in a week and turn it back on only during the weekends, just so that he could contact me. He could have called his parents, or his male friends. But he was willing to use the PUBLIC PHONE just to call me because he felt like it.

If you were in my place, how would you think of this situation? Is it a mere coincidence or fate/destiny that God is trying to show? Is he actually falling for me too? Or that he was only calling because he thought of calling me coinsidencely?

Oh, another addition here. He actually MEMORIZES my number, which makes it easier for him to call me anytime he wants. He said, “It’s easier like that, so in case if I lost my phone or something like that, we won’t lose contact.” It shows that he was willing to memorize my number so we won’t ever lose contact. I am THAT important to him, to THAT level. I felt so deeply touched. Although I felt attracted to him so deeply and perhaps love, I myself did not remember even his birth date, let alone his cell phone number.

And so there is this question again. If you were in my place, how would you conclude this situation I am experiencing? Is he falling for me too? Or… Well I’ve told you on how he felt excited to want to know of my new boyfriend if I have any. So it shows that he assumes me as only a best friend. But then, the SIGNS? *sigh* I don’t know. I really don’t know what to think, and I don’t want to hope.

Here’s a poem I wrote about him today, the moment I’ve thought about him deeply. I’ve wrote on what I’ve thought. Depends on you and your understanding to interpret it.

Usah dikenang orang yang jauh,

Biarkan memori lesap menyepi,

Padamkan harapan yang bersuluh dihati,

Tiada berjodoh baik menyendiri.

Layanan mesra serta istimewa darinya,

Adakah ia lakonan semata?

Pagar berduri yang merentasi antara

Aku dan hatinya,

Berdiri terlalu kukuh walau telah

Pelbagai usaha untuk ku tembusi,

Hanya diakhiri dengan keluhan kecewa,

Usaha yang sia-sia.

Lantas ia terus berdiri,

Memisahkan aku dari hatinya.

Usaha lalu telah berjaya menghampirkan,

Namun tidak cukup lagi setapak

Untuk bertahta dihatinya,

Dan terus berdampingan.

Biar dirombak angin, disimbahi hujan,

Aku tetap terus bertahan,

Setia menunggu dihadapan pagar berduri,

Andai si dia sudi mengizinkan aku

Ke kamar hati itu,

Suatu hari nanti.

Tangisan air mata dikeringkan,

Harapan menyala dipadamkan,

Cinta dihati dipendamkan,

Kasih sahabat berterusan…

Disrespectful students

I cried...

I cried due to extreme frustration of how rude & disrespect the students were when i was teaching in class.

They came to apologize, but the ones who came were only those who did not make any mistakes.

I gave them the 'talk to the hand' expression and went inside the Bilik Guru.

And i cried again..

Huhu.. I hate being a teacher...

Multiple updates~

On my way back home, i had a lot in my mind that i feel like sharing with everyone.

I had thoughts about death, about carrier, about social & love life, about how cute some of my students are, and many more.

But as soon as i reached home and turned on my laptop to write it all down, my mind went totally blank. There were too many things to write about that i don't know where on earth to give it a good start.

First of all, i just can't wait to end my university life and start my carrier, my working life. I can't wait to have my own home, my own car, and be independent. I can't wait to start a new love life, marriage, have children of my own, etc~

The point is, i just can't wait to move on to the next level in life.

Secondly, the last 2 days one of the best moments in my life (^_^) went for a vacation (literally! not just following dad with one of his work trip, but literally paying the hotel using our money and travel there to have fun and spend some quality time together!). Other than that, i don't know why but throughout the whole vacation trip, my good friend Shakir accompanied me. He even called me a few times! talking about a miracle! why? because since he became a state football player, he'd been super busy and rarely contacted me. And i sort of merajuk with him afterwards. and he promised to change, and he did. I felt as if he's my BF accompanying me on my vacation trip with my family and getting my updates all the time while i'm away (tho the fact is that he never will be). And aside from that, of course, the moment of playing Pictionary with my family was the best moment ever. It was the very first time that we sat together and play. I never regret buying that game tho it was hell expensive, because if it is to compare with the memory we had, the moment was definitely priceless (^,^)

The only sad moment during the vacation is that... I felt so 'alone'. Ya know, that being-single-type-of-loneliness. I imagined how nice will it be to go for a vacation with my husband one day and go for a romantic walk along the beach or swimming in the ocean together, and got back to our hotel room and cuddle together.

If only that can happen. *sigh*

Thirdly, i need to return to the school and i have no idea whether i am feeling excited or reluctant to return there. I feel excited to meet the students for extra-curricular activities, but i don't enjoy teaching or being observed when teaching. Whatever it is, i am definitely not ready.

Fourth, i have decided to change my nickname 'Nizt89'. The nickname has been too famous that once a person typed my nickname on google or any search engine, my whole HISTORY within the internet is revealed, including my private notes and stuff! so i've decided to change it. Nizt89 will still be used as my identity on the internet. But i will use this extra identity@screen name for private stuff. Or maybe, i'll use both. Just to confuse these people on the net regarding who my real identity is. Nizt89 will be open for public use. but this other screen name will be my mysterious identity whereby i will not even reveal whether i am a female or a male, my age, and my race@religion, let alone the other details of me. That way, i am free to talk about whatever i want and to whoever i want without the fear of being known,judged or humiliated.

I can be free to talk about stuff i have always wanted to let out, and known only as '****'. >:)

Now, looking for a suitable symbol@picture to complete this identity.

That is all i think. *sigh* when will i ever meet the one who is right for me? huhu~

I have been thinking about....

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since i've lost my voice permanently.

About Allah, and how this world appears as only an illusion to the real situation we will face once death steps on our door.

About how envious i am with people who are in love & married, but feeling grateful at the same time for still being single and not involved in the conflicts that married or loving couple faces; just like how i used to experience once upon a time.

About how my future beholds; how will i meet the man destined for me, where my carrier will start and how it will go.

About the smvsb students who made my day and what will happen to the beloved students once i finished my practicum.

About how heavy the sins i carry on my shoulder and when i will start to repent.

About how long will the conflict regarding my grandparents continue.

About when will i start having my own salary, my own car, my own home, my own life.

About how many people i have hurt and need to ask for forgiveness.

About the need to change behavior, thinking, and physically to better to deserve a good man for my future, and have that man deserves me as his future wife.

About being thankful that my hurtful past ended, giving me the space to recover, to fix myself and to earn a better person. Allah's promise, a good man is for a good woman, and so does the other way around. In order to earn a good man in my life, i first need to change myself to be a good woman. Lady. Girl.

I am not yet ready for a relationship no matter how i envy the loving couples around me. I am not ready because i have not yet fully transformed to a better person. Therefore until i have completely changed and reached my goals, i am not yet ready for relationships and do not mind of being single.

Dear Lord, thank you for waking me up from my stupid dream.

This world is an illusion. The afterlife is reality. Bear that in mind.

Oh, the sweet memories~

i'm starting to love these SMVSB students.

Thanks to them, i've changed from a shy person, to a person who can mix around.

Thanks to them, i have many sweet memories to remember by, with all the jokes & laughter.

I'll remember them forever.

Thank you to every students who made SMVSB's english week work out. God bless your good deeds & i will never forget you guys (T,T)

We aren't gonna meet anymore after 30th april.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you (T,T)

p/s: i'll let you see my FB after i finished practicum ya? :P

Many Many Many things to say~

1st of all, my voice is... Permanently damaged.

I never shouted nor raise my voice my whole life. And when i did it for the first time the last 3 weeks, it definitely caused quite a heavy toll.

My voice was gone for a week. The next week, i thought my voice will be back to normal but no.

It stays that way; the 'serak basah' voice when you have sore throat. It stays until today.

And will stay that way forever... <:'(

I can no longer sing a high pitched note. I can't sing a soprano-based note for the rest of my life. And my voice will sound like i am having a sore throat or a rocker's kinda voice for the rest of my life.

I am a handicapped now... *Cries*

* * *

Currently very, very busy with school work. Since i've started working as a teacher & a warden, now i understood how it feels like to work.

Its TIRING & EXHAUSTING. Waking up as early as 6am everyday, and going to sleep at 12am. There's no time for personal things such as going out for a movie, hanging out, or writing your diary. All you can think of once you got home is sleep.

And you see, this is just the life of a BACHELOR. imagine how its like if you are working & married & with children. SMALL children.

I bet it's gonna be 10 times exhausting.

Now i understand why there are those women out there with carriers who are still not married.

Now i understand what those women meant by being too busy to think of a love life.

Because now i'm in their shoes.

I just hope that i won't end up like them. I REALLY hope so. But if it's my fate that i end up not being able to get married then i can learn to accept it.

* * *

Currently busy with choir day & night, desperately trying to apply the term paper method for my research, busy with the banner & managing the English Week with lots of activities, busy planning lessons for teaching, busy with warden duties such as checking dorms and locking the gates, busy with extra work, busy with relief classes... Busy busy busy...

* * *

Suck at TEACHING!

U have no idea how i suck terribly at teaching.

Teaching ain't my thing.

I suck so bad that the students didn't even stand up when i am in class. Talking about respect! What makes things even far worse is that some even sleep in class when i'm teaching, and countless others just simply prefer talking among themselves than paying attention.

I got so angry that i literally shout my lungs out.

Which then caused me to lose my voice.... Until today, until at some point i can only speak in whisper.

Which then some rude students mocked me by imitating how i talked when i lost my voice (because of them!)

I do not enjoy teaching. I enjoy organizing things, not teaching.

I enjoy travelling (i think) or working in a hotel. Perhaps something regarding the hotel management where i can organize stuff.

And talking about endless work to be done! Proposals, choirs, lesson plans, warden duty, and term paper...

And more unknown works yet to come.

I think my blood pressure is raising already.

Help!

p/s: currently having a rocker's voice.

a Simple Update

Sorry for not updating this blog. Have been ultimately busy with 'a new working life' as a teacher in smv *toot*. There are a few issues that i would like to stress out here regarding my busyness.

1) Suspected to have high blood pressure since i'm experiencing weird symptoms such as the sudden deaf of left, right, or both ears each time after ive finished eating

2) almost lost balance and went unconcious number of times

3) made the teachers to start rivalry with each other

4) problems with the new warden who is just never reliable

5) research that is still pending but with the dateline approaching.

6) often lack of sleep.

7) eating disorder

There's more. I'll keep updating when i have free time. But for now, i'm just not feeling well enough to write too long. Adios~

Students sleeping in class? Karma!!

*LOOOOOOOOOONG sigh*

Burnt one period lesson cuz i thought the lesson starts at 9.50am.

It actually starts at 9.15am. *SIGH*

Was rushing like hell to the class and taught the class on writing while panting huhu~

Kelam kabot!

And there was this one student, keep trying to make me feel ok about missing the one period class. He's the student that i like in the class, because he has higher english proficiency and is very, very friendly with teachers.

But the thing is that half of the class was asleep, and absent. But i had no time to shout or scold them. I just let them be, because i need to rush the lesson and finish it on time.

I just don't wanna care anymore if they sleeps in the class or are not paying attention. as long as they do my work and finish them on time, i am ok with it. (because it shows that they do make an effort tho they slept in class)

If they don't do my work, they need to pay rm1 to save the humiliation. If they refuse to pay, i'll tell them to stand outside. if they still refuse, i'll tell them to stand inside the class. But if they STILL refuses (trust me, i've faced these kinds of students, stubborn like a freaking donkey), i'll just write down their names to deduct marks from their disciplinary points and send their names to the PK HEM for him to deal with them.

I had enough shouting and forcing the students to wake up and pay attention when they can't do that. I'll remain indifferent from now on. My rules are easy. You can sleep if you want, as long as you understand my lesson and finish my work. I will be a good friend if you don't make me your enemy.

(bak kata Phantom of the Opera: i am a good friend, but a bad enemy)

Will start teaching them vocabs using songs next week. huhuhu~

p/s: burn 1 masa, tak dapek nak main game da dengan diorg haiyoh~

I hate the ending of holidays~ urgh~

Holidays have finally meet its end.

Tomorrow i'll be starting to face those havoc and noisy students again, and start teaching.

Tomorrow, i need to learn classroom management. I need to find a way to shut the students up and being able to control them when the supervisor is observing me.

I need to train them on how to behave.

But how?

Any ideas?

Where have i gone missing?

it has been a while since i've written something in here.

Sorry, its not that i don't know what to write. Its just that, i've started being so busy, too busy to actually sit down and write stuff ever since i've started my 'so called carrier' as a teacher.

A lot happened to me during my times at school. And i have never thought i could be someone i am not when i began to teach these school kids.

I've never thought i could actually shout at the kids, MALE students specifically!

Why you might ask? Because when i was at their age, 16 years old, i have NEVER dared to speak to any male students. Heck, they too did not even try to chat with me whatsoever. And so i remain the most quiet female student in the class.

Same goes when i reached 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 and now turning 22. Except that, the level of not-having-the-guts-to-speak-to-male-humans have lowered after i started my degree. But only a BIT! i still don't have the guts to make the first move to start conversations with male people. But at least i can continue to speak to them once they started talking to me. ONLY IF THEY MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

And now, being a teacher with 99% male students in the class, i even need to SHOUT at them to get back inside the class and for them to SHUT UP when i'm teaching.

That is soooo unlike me. I never dare to speak to male people, let alone shouting at them. It doesn't matter if they are only kids or older than me, i still don't have enough guts to talk to males. And i mean here by face to face, not from the internet or phone.

And i have never thought i can actually teach these kids.

I have never even thought that i won't feel nervous when teaching them!

I feel teaching these kids and being in a real-life situation is far exciting and fun than doing micro-teaching with your own classmates. When i perform micro-teaching with my classmates, i felt nervous like hell that my heart feels like it's gonna jump out of my chest through my throat and my hands turning as cold as ice.

But when i entered real classes and teach real students, i don't have that nervous feeling anymore. in fact, i feel so calm and cool that i can even joke around with these kids, wake them up when they are sleeping in my class, and shout at them to shut up.

I never dared to do such thing when i teach my own classmates.

Honest confession, i love being a teacher.

I love it when the students actually are curious of knowing so many things. I love it when the students actually dared to be so participative and 'berebut-rebut' to answer my questions. And i love it when these curious students do not feel afraid or shy to call me and ask me if they do not understand what i taught them, or if they do not know how to spell, pronounce, or form a correct sentence.

Maybe i showed them a friendly face, which makes them feel comfortable enough with me to ask a lot of things and dared to participate. They do not fear to give out answers because i make them feel comfortable and feel that its ok to make mistakes. My class is active (because they just can't stay put and always walking around sitting here and there) and VERY noisy, which causes me to shout most of the times for them to shut up =_="

(p/s: until a student actually told me "teacher stay cool, teacher! relax!")

But the noise that they are making is mostly 'learning' noise, not the noise they make when the teacher is away. By 'learning' noise, i mean the noise they make when i ask them questions when teaching them. The noise they make when 'berebut-rebut' to answer my questions.

Which means they are actually paying attention and listening when i am teaching, rite? :P

And i love this one particular student whose english is actually very good comparing with his friends in the class. He is always the one who manages to answer what i ask correctly.

But the part i hate most of while being a teacher is when:

1) i need to do lesson plans

2) i need to do extra admin + co-curriculum works.

-.- I HATE doing them.

But seriously, teaching is... Sorta fun actually.

Only when u get participative and active students like mine (^_^)

NOT the passive kind who stays quiet and silent when i teach and (especially) when i ask them questions. (because they do not dare to answer, feeling shy or afraid if they get the wrong answer)

But then.... I still want to try and be involve in tourism or hotel world, my first option for my carrier. Maybe being a teacher can wait until i am married.

Now my only concern is.... That... If these kids are able to take care of their manners when the supervisor visits me. (since these kids are VERY LOUD and noisy =_=)

Hopefully these kids can behave when my supervisor starts observing me haih~

Life of a PRACTICUM TEACHER/WARDEN

Currently in Bilik Guru 1

Honestly, since i've started the life of a warden/teacher here, i am sort of experiencing endless sleepiness.

How can i not be sleepy when the school starts at 7am every single day? and that i need to wake up early EVERY DAY, as early as 5.45am to get ready to go to school? Not the 5 times in a week period, but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Resulting sudden feeling of sleepiness most of the times and ending up sleeping in Bilik Guru.

I can't stand this routine. This ****-ing routine made it essential for me to sleep as early as 9pm everyday instead of the regular 12am-3am sleep time of mine.

It's FREAKING EXHAUSTING!

And you know what? The school starts at 7am, and ends at 3.30pm. Teachers are required to punch out only at 3.40 the EARLIEST.

Another thing is that, we don't get paid when doing this stupid 3 months practical. We can't get allowance, I can't get the allowance for being a warden and a teacher. News flash: i am forced to 'work' here and 'being a warden' here, doing all the work and EXTRA work for 4 whole months, for FREE.

Which the teachers (upper level) took advantage on our 'free service' to pass HEAVY SCHOOL ADMIN WORK STUFF that they cannot handle (as they do not have the time or are simply lazy) to us 'workers-without-pay/charge'.

We need to do extra jobs for the school just for the sake of taking good care of our UNIHELL's name. We need to do extra jobs for 4 months, for free (without allowance, although being a warden and a practical teacher here is supposed to have allowance). Why?

Because our university is a PRIVATE university, and that the only reason we are able to perform our practical here is because of the consideration and 'sympathy' from the school. Just because we are from a private university, our practical depends on 'belas ihsan sekolah2' who are willing to help and give a place for us to do our practical.

Sounds like a bunch of beggars who depends on charity and sympathy from people to survive.

Lacking of sleep + tired + EXTRA jobs + no allowance = @#$%^&*!!!!!!

Teaching is not my passion. The only reason i am willing to continue my studies is because i need the qualification to get jobs with high pays/salaries. I don't care whatever job it is as long as i get the pay to live my life. Money/salary comes first, Job satisfaction later.

And being here... Is like being a slave...

Working and being 'forced' to do extra admin work (kononnya minta tolong) without pay.

Hey, i don't mind relief classes in terms of giving extra work. But don't you ever give me ADMIN WORKS!

End this misery FAST!!!!

Updates, updates, updates!

Interesting things happened recently.

From my 'work' life, to my own personal life.

Recent success of mine? I finally am able to drive alone all the way from my school to Seremban!

Alone, i tell you! (^.^)

Which increases my confidence in driving nearby my home and all. I can't believe i am able to drive alone and find my way back home LOL.

Personal life huh? Oh..... Urm... None to say.

Work life? A lot of duties, and students creating problems... Such as paranormal-related problems and diciplinary problems... And teaching... Urm... Teaching... Huhuhu....

I don't know... Have no idea what to teach.. Still have no idea...

HELP ME!!! I'm so dead!

2 entries.

1ST ENTRY

I can't believe it.. I have finally become a teacher!

But there's too much work to be done.

Warden duty, lesson plans, helping out the school with their activities, finishing the 2010 yearly report, blah blah blah~

It was truly awkward for me when i became a teacher for the first time. It was awkward to listen to these school kids greeting you and saying "assalamualaikum cikgu" everytime they passed me. It is even more awkward to be entrust with such authority; by meaning that i am actually the one with the power over these school kids. I can punish them, tell them what to do, and still have them respecting me at the same time. I'm still not used with being in authority. I'm not used with having the ultimate power over people, to be able to tell people what to do without being scolded or questioned. But hell yeah it is awesome indeed!

I want to be a teacher these students will love and appreciate, the teacher they will remember and feel inspired for the rest of their lives, the teacher that changes their lives. I don't want to be just a teacher to their eyes, but a teacher that touches their very soul. But i'm still in doubt on how to get to these students' hearts.

=.= Oh yeah, not to mention regarding the male teachers there.... Very... Urm... friendly & good looking. Nevermind.

Other than that, the teachers are quite friendly and helpful (^^) and the students aren't that many.

Oh... And the... Dorm... Urm... Haunted? *shivers* huhuhu~

Too many to write here.. I'll tell u if there's really something worth telling.

2ND ENTRY

He has a scandal.

And he actually loves her. Broke my heart.

Has he never consider how i would actually feel if he loves another girl?

How if I love another guy? and telling him i am considering on marrying the other guy instead of him? How would he feel then?

Or maybe, his love to me has decrease... He doesn't text me that often anymore, and has cared for me lesser and lesser each day... Ever since his brother start moving into his home, the family business problem, and ever since he start knowing that... that.... Girl.

The one he admits he likes so much and perhaps love, to the point where he is considering on marrying her. The one that actually brought positive changes in him.

Unlike me... The so called devil within his life... The slut... The one that only bring bad to him.

I can never, ever, ever accept if the person i love actually loves somebody else. That is a huge PROHIBITION in my life.

NEVER LOVE A GUY THAT LOVES ANOTHER GIRL INSTEAD OF YOU.

And so i told him... If he loves her, then be the best for her. Marry her, be her best husband and i will never disturb him anymore. I will leave him in peace for him and her to live happily. I will back down and give way to that girl if he loves her, although i love him too much. For her sake, for his sake. I can't stand it when he keeps mentioning about the other girl. Frankly, I HATE HER. Who doesn't when there's this other hijacker hijacks your beloved one until he wants to marry her? I feel terribly sorry for the wives whose husbands marry a second wife, a third wife, and so on. I am sorry, i can never be able to live with such pain. I rather not be married, or stay single that being married to someone who loves another girl other. And i will NEVER let myself become the second, third, or fourth wife. NEVER. And I will NEVER let myself be a victim of the husband who marries a girl other than me.

Yeah, its hard.. But i've made up my mind. Once he chooses her, and once he admits to me he loves her and if he mention to me about wanting to marry HER or any other girl, I will back down and let him have a happy life with her. If she is the best for him, then be it. I won't want to cause chaos or fighting over him with some other girl.

If she wants him, and he wants her, then go ahead and have a happy life together. May both of them be happy for the rest of their lives. It breaks my heart, but i am willing to let him go if he loves her.

Because the pain of having to live with your husband loving another girl is much worse than the pain of breaking up with the one you love whom had cheated on you.

I'll let him choose. I won't let him love and have the both of us. He will only need to choose one.

If you choose me, then be the old you that i knew. The one who worries me, who will call me everytime i did not reply his messages, wanting to know every updates of mind, listening to me when i have problems, comforting me when i cry, saying how much he loves me... And most of all...

Cry for me... Actually cried for me due to worry of losing me. (I still remember he actually cried on the phone, telling me he can never live without me although i was at the wrong side at the time. But now, not anymore... Never bothered at all... I guess this time he doesn't mind if i'm dead or sick... I guess this time, since he has that GIRL in his life, since he fell in love with her, he can live without me and his tears has long dried for me. I guess, this time he will cry for HER, and tell HER he worries of losing her and can't live without her just like how he did to me.)

But if your heart strongly desires for her, then i'll leave you in peace. Be the best for her and i hope you will have a happy life with her. And thank you for toying around with my heart and fooling me around like an idiot who loves you.

Choose between me and her, before i make the decision for you.

I have none to say.

<:'(

He has never done this to me..

I don't know what i did wrong till he changed so drastically.

He's not the old him i used to know... The old him used to worry of me everytime i did not reply his text messages. He even got worried when i said i need to do my practical at a school where there are mostly males. Telling me to keep him updated. He will call me everytime i didnt reply him. Always pick up and answer when i call him, telling me sweet words that he loves me.. and even cried, just because i stay silent on the phone and let him talk by himself..

i still remember he said this when we just coupled:

"Sayang, do you remember the first time when i say i love you? well i don't feel the same anymore, because i love you more than that... Love you sayang.."

That was the most touching text he ever sent me, that i still remember untill today, and even showed it to my family and friends, to show them how much he loves me and cares for me... That made me fell in love so deeply with him, and let me unlocked my long-guarded gates to my heart. He was so, so caring, so, so full with love and he always showed how much he loves me and cares for me...

But that was the times when we coupled during the early period... Now, he changes so much..

No longer care to reply my texts, nor if i don't text him for a very long time... No longer worries of me if i am safe, no longer asks me for updates. The loving words just disappeared. He has stopped caring about me or my feelings entirely, and often make me cry without having even a slice piece of guilt in him... And he stops crying for me too... The first reason that made me fell in love with him was listening to him crying just because i refuse to talk to him... I felt touched that a guy would cry just for me... But now his tears and love towards me has gone dry for so long..

Even has the guts to hung up on me and refuse to answer my calls when i called him many, many times... And when he finally answered, i cried asking him why did he hung up on me, and he hung up again, straight away..

and send me text message "pehal nak nangis?" and "Jangan col lg!"

The worse part was when he admits he likes another girl... Its ok to like somebody, but the problem here is, he even has the intention to marry her.

Whatever wrong have i done to him till he is willing to hurt me this bad?

Can't stop crying because of him... Can't... stop... crying.....