I need to let you go one day.

i have to be less active in that world, and have to start waking up and handle my own world.

i know i can't run away from reality and my own life forever.

one day i need to face it too. It is only a matter of time.

therefore i made up my mind. things just HAVE to change.

it doesnt matter if it takes a slow pace, i just need to do something with my life to make it feel much more fun and worth living than pretending to be someone i am trully not.

one day i have to let 'them' go.

i need a proper goal i can work with and start becoming a freaking machine to achieve it.

I CAN! I KNOW I CAN!

p/s: yeah i can do it the whole time, i just chose not to,

Please ignore this post -.-

got a lot of things in my mind.

a lot of things i need to do and settle before i make any decisions.

i need time of which i never had.

i need the light of which will never come.

i need moral support and self-esteem of which has been so hard to earn.

so far i just don't givadamn much about living the life because there is no particular goal that motivates me through it. i don't know what i want, or even if i do, i don't know if i could ever achieve them. Or how to.

I feel empty with a big, big hole inside of me that needs filling. i have too many flaws that shows and i don't givadamn on covering them because i know eventually the flaws will still show.

Which then leads of not giving a damn about living the life.

I have only short term goals. no long terms because i am afraid that it is too hard too achieve and that i will never achieve that far because i can't. i have to start from the bottom to earn that much for a long term goal and i know eventually i will give up half way even if i tried.

and ending up back in square one.

i believe in the saying 'practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect so why practice?'

because it is true. we aren't perfect so why do we need to work so hard on creating that perfection while we know in our hearts that it will eventually fade which soon shows the imperfection behind the perfection we tried so hard to create?

why do we even need to try so hard when we know that eventually we'll just fall back again and ending up in square one? won't that be frustrating? i don't wanna experience the frustation on working so hard that will soon earn us nothing so i rather just don't givadamn and live life by going with the flow.

that applies on mostly everything in my life; studies, my body, my health, my future, my religion, my social life, everything i think.

its not that i don't try at all. i DO try. its just that i don't givadamn on pushing them too hard to achieve the result that i know will never ever ever ever come. i just live life inside the comfort zone where i don't need to push too hard or too little to live a perfect life.

i think i'm perfect for being the symbol of imperfection and damnation in life -.-

p/s: i'm just talking crap here. ignore me.