Tuesday, 4 December 2012

A Message for Those People Who Feels Lost.

It's true, when they say that they feel lost.

Its not lost in terms of not knowing what's going to happen next, and what we should all do in life. Everybody knows.Okay, maybe not everyone, but ALMOST.

Almost everybody knows that you will have to prepare yourself for the afterlife which is far more important than these crazy lunatic cards life throws at you. Almost everybody knows what they're suppose to do. Pray, pray, pray, have faith and pray. Gain pahala. Gain them more and more.

Its something destined. Something definite. so, supposely, everyone should have an idea on what their purpose in life is, yes? Then why do they still claim to feel so lost when they are aware in the back of their mind that the purpose of living is getting themselves prepared in the afterlife?

Its true, when they say they feel lost.

Its not that feeling of losing faith in God.

Its that feeling of not knowing what other things to do, to focus on, to achieve, while they are waiting in line for their turn of the utmost exam of life of all time. Not really knowing what to do with all those times they have in their hands. Not knowing what they really want in life.

Humans are insatiable. Everytime when they've achieve something, they will always want something else. Always going to reach out for the shadows they know they can't grab on to. Always wanting something they know they just can't have. and when they realize they can't, thats when they claim to feel lost.

For these kinds of people, including myself, i have two advises for you.

Its not wrong to actually chase that shadow. Go ahead and chase it, live your dream. Yes, you might have other responsibilities you need to consider. But that doesnt mean its utterly impossible. You can find a way to work it out. There's always a way. There's always a door. There always will, but it oftenly depends on your own eyes and will whether you have the courage to make a change or letting your pair of clear healthy eyes to remain blind from looking a possible way to work it out. Life is a gold mine, anyone can be anything and there always will be a way. The only thing you need is to give yourself a bitch slap and say, "BRING IT ON!"

But in case if you just feel... to coward to make a change. Like me. In case if you feel that its's not really necessary  these changes. But you still feel lost either way. Then this will be my advise to you.

Count the blessings.

This is, for me, a much more peaceful option. Risk-free. Care-free. Being thankful of all the things that you own, that you have.

Look above you. Do you have a roof on top of your head? then be reminded that a lot of homeless people out there are craving the warmth and comfortable place you call home. They would kill to have water, bed, food, and fresh clothing like you do everyday.

Look around you, what do you have lying around? Ipad? Samsung s3? Television? a fridge? thousands of people from low-class families, who lives in small, smelly, ridden-looking flat, can't afford what you have now.

Look further. Who do you see? Your parents? your brothers? your sisters? your best friends? Your daughters? Your sons? Your nieces and nephews? Then be grateful that there are still people who care about you than those who have lost everyone in their lives.

When you feel down, you tend to forget all these wonderful things you have. When your loved ones hurt you, you are forgetting the times when they did you good. When you lost something or someone, you are forgetting the rest of things and people that still stand by you. When your emotion is filled with pain, you are forgetting the sweet memories that actually happened, those times when those people that used to matter actually made you smile.

I know its easier to blame others. But don't let life gets to you. Its hard, i know. But you know what? You can actually get through it. God has faith in you that you are capable and it was HE who invented you and knows you best. Which is why he laid the spiky path for you and not other people. Even God Himself has faith in you, then why don't you?

Just when everything seems to be going all wrong, stop. Just stop whatever you're doing for 5 minutes. Stop and take a deep breath, close your eyes, and remember.....

Remember the wonderful things you own, remember the loved ones who would cry if you're gone... Don't THEY matter to you? Remember the sweet memories that the person who hurt you did you good once.  Weren't you actually HAPPY when they made you smile and laugh a few times back then? Stop, relax, and remember.

Count the blessings. 

Remind yourself of all that and be grateful.

And hey, hard times doesnt last that long you know. So don't worry about it. Life is like a spinning wheel. When you're below, you know that there will come to a point when you're going to rise again. The time will come. But its when you're all on the top and happy is when you need to be careful, because hardships will come and bite you down to the ground in just a matter of time.

And for that special someone who feels down due to the mouth of others, chin up and tell them "SCREW YOU!" They don't matter. They're not going to affect your life when you don't let them.

and again. Count the blessings.

I have a special quote on that from here:

 Life is quite similar to UNO cards. There are variety of cards that life might throw at you. You are weakest when you have quite a sum in your hands and the only way to win is to let go of everything you have. Reality is, the one who leaves the game earliest is actually the most lucky one.

If you know how UNO works, you'll get the message.

There's always someone out there who suffers worse fate that you do right now so don't take things too hard on yourself, and always, always, always remember.

To count the blessings.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

3 updates!

okay first of all...


Its like the best job ever!!

and secondly,

i am going to seek that passion to write again so....


a writer in the making lol~

third of all..

the guy i like at my workplace has a girlfriend T_T

so lonely~ *cricket sound*

Friday, 27 July 2012

Mad at Myself

.......... WOW......

This is like.... I haven't written anything in here for AGES.

...... *disbelief*.....


Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Still Searching~


Please accept my resume~

Please? anyone? hello?

*cricket sound~*

so lonely~ uhuhuhu~

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Poem: Nizt

Dim, though light, on paths shone
Untread, yea, all but unknown
A beacon unsought, an idea unthought
But as though in a spider-web, caught
A sun and a moon, like the night in day
And a newly fallen star to show the way
A maze, twisted, fallen to straight
A truth, untested, a brave new fate

Written specially by:
Sammy Edward Cason Jr.

Written specially for:
Me. ^^

p/s: thank you so much sweetheart ^^

Wednesday, 16 May 2012


It's been a while since i last wrote in here.

I just don't have anything to say.

Still have no motivation to continue my story, nor find a job *sigh*

I need a push... Desperately.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

My Ambition

You know... I have this strong envy everytime i hear this kind of conversation.

Person 1: Hey, long time i hadn't heard from ya. What are you doing now? Working somewhere?

Person 2: Nah, i'm writing a book now. Working on a novel.


Person 2: I'm working on a script right now.

I wish i can say the same words. I wish i can do the same thing...

I want to write, but i've lost all hope and motivation.

I envy those people who works on what they love doing best. I want to live that kind of life as well. To just... Sit on a comfortable chair, facing the book or computer, around a comfortable space... And just... Pour out my mind, forming written words on that sheet of paper. Totally sunken deep in my own world, my own thoughts running active without a care in the world and simply lets the time flows by like water.

There was a period when i was in that state of mind. I ignored my friends, homeworks, classmates, teachers, everything... and sync deeply in my own thoughts, running them on scraps of papers. I was fueled and burn with passion, writing non-stop with my chest feels heavy as it was filled with total suspense. Could even barely stopped myself from writing.

I've experienced that moment, but it was a long time ago.

I missed it.

I'l be happy enough to live a simple life where my work is just finding inspiration to write, face the computer, and just write, write and write.

Can i have that?

Friday, 2 March 2012

The Road not Taken

I feel lost for a while.

I still am not sure which path to choose from here.

I still am not sure where to begin my first new step.

Please, Lord, give me a sign.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Planning the Future

Just feeling glad everything is where they are supposed to.

I just hope i don't have any UNWELCOME STALKER here in my blog.

Other than that, the day is all fine.

Need to line up future plans. My goal list is currently empty right now.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Best to Leave.

I've had enough.

I should've known it was a bad idea.

Before this matter goes even worse and out of hand, i best leave the place.

I just did what i did for the sake of not tainting their names, and they re-payed me with THIS.

Who knows what they'll do to me if i suddenly messed things up even more in the future?

They felt threatened and decided to do that to me just because i did what was right. I know they can do more damage to me in the future if i stay.

Even THIS has done pretty much damage to my dignity and name in front of the the others. I can't risk anymore damage to my family's name in the future.

I hate the place. Better find jobs closer to my home.

And most importantly, UNRELATED with anyone whom i know.


Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Lesson well learned

feeling stressed... extremely stressed and depressed.

problems have gotten out of hand.

to the level where relatives are nosing in as well.

i just want to end this. quit this job and find another one.

learned my lesson now, never to work with relatives again.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Summary of Updates

Haven't been writing for quite some time.

You know what? i finally got my baby nokia n9!!

And i'm happy with it too =P thanks sis for finding it for meh~

Hurm... A lot of weird and dramatic problems are happening around in my workplace tho.

What else? Well, i'm still the lonely but content old me.

I still don't have that feeling of pursuing men anymore.

No, i'm not gay. I just lost hope that's all. I don't have that eager feeling anymore.

And you know what? i'm starting to consider to change my looks or something. Look better, style better and stuff like that. I wanna give it a try.

But i'm still lazy to apply make ups. =_= its a pain in the ass to keep applying them with this hot weather, i feel like my face is smudged with thicker oil everytime i applied make ups.

*sigh* dreams? forget about them. I don't have it anymore.

I don't feel like being creative anymore.

All i see myself now is a single unit who works to get paid and live her empty life.

And enjoys the weekends and day offs to the max, by waking up late and staying home all day long.

My life right now is pretty much as the above.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Solitary Life

I noticed that i prefer a solitary life.

I know i complain at times about not having a big circle of friends,

Or that i don't have a boyfriend.

Or that i'm a lonely person.

But i've also noticed that somehow, i have stopped searching for friends nor boyfriends.

I don't go out dating nor flirting with guys anymore like i used to.

Even when there's an opportunity, i ignore them.

I've lost my faith in happiness, i think. That's why i just don't give a damn anymore.

I don't believe anyone would fall for someone like me.

I don't believe people can make me happy anymore.

But i believe objects will.

Only objects can.


Friday, 20 January 2012

A curious question

You know what?

I have been asked many times at work these few days by my colleagues, out of curiosity. I don't know why.

"Do you actually like this job?"

And i am glad to be able to answer,

"Yes, in fact i actually do."

I won't deny that my new job is exhausting, plus, i haven't my own seat and space/cubicle since the office are already full of employees.

But i'm glad to finally be able to say that i really do...

Like my job.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Enjoy while you can!

I have decided that i will...


lol~ i meant spending the money as in spending to buy my own things that i want instead of spending them in the name of liabilities like paying for house rent and stuff.

I worked hard to earn my pay, and i have the right to spend them to make myself happy.

Besides, i am still single and without much liabilities to handle.

I want to enjoy these first few years of my life first.

Enjoying spending my money within the flow of my own personal desire.

so yeah,


Tuesday, 10 January 2012


I admit..

The stress in this new job is far more overwhelming than my last job.

But you know what?

Somehow, i am satisfied enough.

I want to learn how a company runs.

And i think i like THIS job better.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Reality filled with hurtful LIES.

I hate pretty girls.

I hate soft spoken girls.

I hate romantic couples who displays affection publicly

I hate romantic stories/videos/movies whether it is a true story or not.

I hate people who has a very good significant other, who really actually loves them and appreciates them.

I hate everything related to this. EVERY. SINGLE. THING.


Because if it doesn't happen to me, it DOESN'T EXIST.

Because all those represents lies. LIES.

And it represents FALSE HOPE.

Sure it happens, every once in a blue moon. But it certainly won't happen to me. Because it never had and it never will.

Yeah, i've LOST FAITH in them!

What? You think i'm wrong, buddy?



Friday, 6 January 2012

Surviving the Wilderness of Corporate vs School

I've faced the highschool teaching environment; teaching vocational students to be exact.

I've also faced the environment where i teach kindergarten and primary school kids.

I've experienced teaching environment for both categories for a few months although i know i really am not into teaching. After i gave it a go, i've realized that i just CAN'T endure teaching anymore.

But now is a little different. Sure, i'm not proud to admit how i really got this new job offer. But one thing is certain; i am here to experience a new kind of environment and gain certain skills before i really go out there in the 'wilderness'.

My new environment here is now a corporate environment.

My comment about this new environment? Well... I can say it's a different kind of stress than those i've faced during teaching times. When i was teaching, I can't even leave the classroom whenever i want, and i was responsible for the whole bunch of kids in the classroom. Dealing with people, especially sons and daughters of other people, sons and daughter of VARIOUS ages, are not the kind of stress and problem i can cope. I am not good in socializing, therefore i am not good in handling people. I mean, if we made mistakes in any way regarding handling these kids, the effect that will take its' toll to us are heavier. We have to face the parents of the kids, we have to take responsibility of the kids' behavior, manners, and everything we do will somehow influence the kids and shape them into what they will become in the future. Teachers are the role model for future lives of young humans, and to me, that is too much of a responsibility to handle. I don't like teaching, and i can't bear myself to ruin the lives of other people because of my indifference and ignorance of their future. (apart from hating to face the consequences of answering to the parents of the kids of course. kids nowadays don't respect teachers as much anymore you know.)

But in this new environment now, i'm experiencing handling documents instead of people. Sure, i have to entertain clients once in a while during meetings or making phone calls (the ONLY social contact needed for this job), but most of the time, i handle documents; arranging them, organizing them, making sure schedule goes as plan, recording minutes, doing reports, submitting them, organize meetings venues, etc. Handling documents and paperworks are okay to me, because paperworks doesn't have PARENTS and paperworks are not involved with facing the 1001 behaviors of people whose future depended on us in a way.

Yes, i admit there's stress in this work. I've only been working for the second day and the stress was completely overwhelming. I can finally feel the 'heat' of corporate stress when i followed my boss to attend a meeting of a project. I was just there to write down the issues, but i listened and tried to understand the issue at the same time. Hell, i can feel your pain, boss =_=" i was only a listener to the meeting on my 2nd day of work and i can already emphatize my boss's stress regarding handling the project.

But the stress was in a different way than the stress i've faced in my previous job. The current stress is more overwhelming, but somehow it's the kind of stress i've always been able to tolerate. This is the kind of stress where i rather and prefer to stay hungry and do my job continously until i finish it. It's the kind of stress where i am committed to tolerate to the level where i starve myself while doing the work and reward myself with food and leisure once i'm done.

It's the kind of stress i've always knew i can stand.

It's too early to judge, i know. I'm just stating my first impression towards this job. My personal impression might change again in another few months.

But so far, i think i can survive this. I THINK.

Monday, 2 January 2012

Summary of 2011

January - April

- Practicum at SMV Sg Buloh
- Learn to drive a car
- Travel back and forth to UNIHELL to discuss term paper
- Unforgettable experience and memories as a warden & teacher
- Found out bf cheated, broke up with him

May - August

- Finishing term paper
- Settling transcripts
- Coupled with a soldier
- Sending out resumes
- Attended a few interviews
- Bored at home as hell
- Depressed regarding the future
- Found out he's a pervert playboy and a cheater, broke up with him.

September - Early December

- First time working at COSMOTOTS iqd
- Experienced working with kids and could not handle the stress for long term
- Moved in with old friend in Cheras, first time renting far from family
- Graduated (convocation on 15 Oct)
- Argued with housemate for life, moved out for good
- Found out male best friend was a jerk, lose contact with him for good
- Resign job
- Attended another interview and got a new job

The rest of December

- Appreciating the last leisure time in comforts of home
- Super holiday 4 days straight
- Still thinking about what to do with my future
- Still no future plannings
- Crappy birthday

So there you have it. My summary of a crappy 2011. Most of the time spent was practicum, finishing the bloody term paper, attending interviews, working, resigned and got a new job.

Nothing special happened in 2011. I hope i can expect very good surprises out of 2o12, and make it a good memory i don't regret.

New Year resolution? I don't know.

Happy New Year, folks.