Sunday, 25 December 2011

Scripting or Writing?

After reading a few english novels, i've realized something about myself, about my way of writing.

These writers, they write according to... I really don't know how to put it into words. I mean, they describe not just the settings or storyline, but also unnecessary details which are related to the scene that was happening in the part of the story. REALLY DETAILED details you know. They get the readers to understand every single thing by giving examples or describing information which relates to the message they are portraying.

That's when i realize, mine was utterly different. My way of writing is according to how people should watch in the movie. I tell only the stories they can see and imagine. I don't often tell the description of a character's feelings or thinking; the details which people wouldn't know or wouldn't be shown if you are watching a movie.

Why? well first of all, i don't like wasting my time telling all those, because i prefer the readers to have their own wild guess on empathizing the character's situation or feelings. I want them to think of what's going in actually and taunt them with curiosity. Second of all, i like the mystery of getting the readers to actually feel curious. If i inserted a lot of descriptions on this and that, then the readers will just read for the sake of reading.

And then i began to wonder, is my way of writing a novel... Normal? Is it ok for me to write this way? or is it wrong?

And then i began to realize the reason i wrote that way was because, i was too used of writing scripts during my teenage and childhood times that it influenced my way of writing when i'm writing novels as well.

I wrote scripts during my younger times because that's the only easiest way for a kid to get a story out of her head. Scripts don't need plenty details. Scripts just needed dialogues and movements or whatever description necessary to be shown in a movie. I don't need to put in a lot of detailed thinking or feelings of a character because the readers will do that on their own. They will guess and have their own judgements based on what they see from the movie.

So... Does this mean i actually have no talent to write novels whatsoever?

Does this means, my passion is not actually in writing novels or books, but writing scripts instead?

But bookstores don't sell scripts. They sell books and novels.

And my story is a fantasy genre, which is unlikely appropriate in the film industry in my country. If i'm going to propose my script to any movie producers, they will throw it in the thrash bin.

But when i write them in a novel as a book, it is too much of a script-like story rather than a true novel like how the other books are.

So... What is it that i should do now? What is my passion? is it writing novels or scripts?

And when will i finish this bloody fantasy novel of mine????!! >:(

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

It was a MISTAKE.

There are so many things i wanted to talk about, but i'm not sure where to start, where to begin.

But one thing is for sure.

I've tried, i really do. But now all i can see are mistakes.

I just can't imagine myself doing THAT job for even the next one year. I really can't.

Aside from the stressful rushing hours, no allocation of time and place for muslims to perform prayers, the environment filled with pork and huge rats, the all-female-domination-of-the-place, the ignorance of religion, the small salary, lonely, and the 'being-evaluated-everyday-and-must-perform-perfectly' work results, i just can't see myself doing that sort of thing.

Yes, i know. It has only been 3 and a half months. It's still too early for me to judge.

No, You-Are-Wrong.

3 and a half months are already LONG enough for me to judge that this job isn't suitable for me.

I mean, it's not that i can't teach. I actually can, no problem. You can ask me to teach and i will do it. I have no problem teaching.

The problem is that, teaching and GAIN their INTEREST in paying attention. That's my big problem; how to gain their attention.

The solution my dear kind colleagues taught me was to change my personality and be a more 'lively' and 'animated' person. It reduced me to dust the moment i heard them say "NO, you HAVE to LEARN to be lively."

I am lively... Only to my family members and to the closest friends who are very limited in my circle of life. But to judge me generally, i am not a lively person. Generally and naturally, i am a very, very, very passive, introvert and a quiet person who prefers to listen instead of talking, who prefers reading or chatting silently on the internet rather than talking and communicating face to face.

I am that kind of person and i am comfortable with the way i am, even if it serves me limited amount of friends.

And this teaching career is forcing me to become a person i am NOT.

Its not that i hate teaching. I just don't like teaching. Yes, that's one of the reason of me deciding that this job was a mistake. But people will say 'hey, having a job doesn't mean you have to like doing it.' Yes i agree.

And like i said, i don't like teaching but i CAN teach if it is necessary. Teaching is not a problem to me.

It's teaching with 'attitude'. That, my friend, is a huge problem for me because it contradicts totally with who i really am.

They wanted me to become who i am not and hate to be, and will never, ever be.

Therefore i have decided. Although i will be disappointing a lot of people with this decision, but it is final; i've tried, i really have tried but teaching career was a mistake.

I admit, being in this job helped enhance my english communication skills. But nevertheless, it was and still is a mistake. I can teach, but i can never teach with an attitude or being 'lively'. That is not me.

My dream is to actually publish my own novel or drama/movie, however i have always been imagining myself working in a corporate environment, ever since i was young. I swore to myself when i was a teen that i will never be a teacher because i know i can't. I've always imagined having my own cubicle, sitting quietly in it for hours, working silently (or pretending to work anyway), and taking short breaks anytime i wanted to, and being stressed in THAT kind of working environment. NEVER teaching.

In fact, i've even been wondering and considering to find the course where i will end up working in my own cubicle when i was taking my SPM. But i failed to find any because people thought of me being ridiculous to actually aim that low, and that they only serve 'big' courses like bio-chemistry, computer engineering and all that sorta stuff.

I know i was being ridiculous, but i don't know why i've always imagined myself having THAT sort of job and would prefer to, because that way, i will be able to just focus on my work and sit silently in my own cubicle without the need to really communicate that much with people. (not to mention the 'pretending to be working' part and will have more free time to actually do what i want as i can steal short breaks whenever i can)

Just kidding. I won't really do that, not often tho. I will do it, but only when i really need it.

I am an introvert, passive, and generally both naturally quiet, who prefers to sit quietly and do my own work instead of talking to people or communicating. Marketing and teaching is not my type of career.

It's more towards having my own cubicle and working in a real office. Yes, that is my type of working environment i feel closer, comfortable and more suitable to my personality.

Therefore i quit the teaching job and i don't regret a single minute of it.

I really hope this future job works out for me just fine.

Pray hard for me please :)