There are no words to describe how much i hate you right now.

I don't know to use what kind of words to actually described his disgusting selfishness.

We have been friends for so long.

He had lied to me and bragging to me about this other person's success by claiming it was his. Yes, without even the slightest feeling of embarrassment AT ALL.

Why? His excuse was to 'punish' me for my 'lies and sins'. But then there was no need for him to actually dragged that lie for months if it was for the cause of punishment right? But yes, he did it anyway, and i suspect it was due to enjoying the attention i'd been giving to him when he bragged about the fake success of his.

We have been friends... Good friends... For so long... And he made me think he was actually a good male best friend of mine (finally) who actually cared for me. He made me think he likes me and that i am his best female friend too.

Turns out, the truth unfolded just a few minutes ago by DESTINY.

Turns out he was lying to my face all these time i trusted him, and worse, had FEELINGS for him. He never trusted me, he never cared for me.

In fact he only used me as a tool to cure his boredom and more sinister stuffs.

I was only a tool. I meant nothing to him. Zero. Nothing at all.

I was a mere FFFFF TOOL he USED. There was never such thing as 'friendship' between us in the first place. i just realized that it was only me who got that thought of 'being-more-than-just-friends' carried away.

I wasn't even considered a friend. I was a TOOL.

Way back in the past, he used me to entertained himself when he was bored.

And he used me to satisfy his sinister desires.

But i still remained ignorant, purposely blinded myself to an idiotic faith that he actually had feelings for me but might feel shy to admit it. I had that stupid hope in myself, thinking he actually cared eventhough the signs were everywhere.

But then just now, he did it again.

When he finally got posted near me, He asked if we can meet, because he was bored and want me to take him out for a stroll in the city because he has no transport to go anywhere.

Nope. There was no words from him that indicates being excited to actually meet his best female friend (as if) at all. He wanted me to take him out to the city due to being bored and the absence of transportation to fulfill his wish.

And then it finally hit me like a ton of bricks burying me to the top.

I WAS A FFFF TOOL TO HIM.

A mere tool.

And now he wants to use me as his driver next, his means of transportation to go for a spin around the alien city he just arrived at.

He wasn't feeling excited to meet me at all. He just sees me as a TOOL for him to use now and then.

And when i got upset, he attacked me with a text message:

"Saya tak faham dgn awk ni sbnrnya. Awak nak apa dgn sy hah?"

OH... MY... GOD.

The pain struck me so deep, i can actually feel my hands trembling cold in ABSOLUTE FURY.

The next thing i know is attacking him back and shoving that act of disgusting selfishness to his face. I have been patient for too long already.

After i read the text message, all i can feel is hatred and anger to the person i have always assumed my best friend.

And strong feelings of DISGUST with his SELFISHNESS.

This time, i am not exaggerating. He absolutely disgusts me.

And then i realized, what good nor benefits has he ever done nor provide me as long as we've been friends apart from giving me false hope & misguided signs? None.

What a FFFFFF bastard you are, 'FRIEND'.

And thank you so much to God for finally opening my eyes and heart by showing to me his true nature. Thank you so, so, so much.

Pre-Suicide

You have no idea how bad i wanted it.

And just because i stood up on doing something that is right, my dream was gone.

Vanished. Poof. Gone with the wind.

The person apologized, but an apology won't be able to bring back my dreams .I felt like crying so bad the moment i heard it. But i held them back. I forced myself to burn the fuel of anger rather than depression. I hated what i heard.

Once i returned, i felt like a zombie. I never were able to reached that dream in the past. Almost, but didn't. But i didn't mourn over it whatsoever, because at least there was still HOPE.

But now... Nothing. The dream shattered to nothing. There was no hope left. None.

Today i feel as if living in an empty shell, filled with nothing but frustration & soon-to-come-depression. In the past, AT LEAST THERE WAS HOPE.

But now, there is absolutely nothing i can hold on to. Now that i've learned the facts, the light that once shone within the dark path i am going through has now disappear.

I was throwing effort to find my way out from this dark path in the past. With that LIGHT, i knew somehow or someday i will find my way to escape from the dark trap eventually. I had that HOPE.

But after listening to the cold hard fact by that person, it was as if a strong wind suddenly blew towards my face hence putting out the light.

Leaving me in the dark. Lost. No more hope of finding the way out.

And no one to help me out.

When i finally had a dream, people take it away from me.

Leaving me an empty shell.... Filled with nothingness.

The future seems dark for me.

I didn't know if anyone noticed yet but...

I REALLY WANT A JOB.

A STABLE, CLEAN job that doesn't have anything to do with ruining other people's lives.

I rejected my last job offer not only because i hate sales & marketing.

It was also due to the selfishness of the organisation/company itself.

It forces students to pay registration fees as much as RM500 for those who wants full ptptn loan, or RM2200 for those who just wants half of the ptptn loan.

And where will the money goes next?

Not towards the development of the place, that is what i know for sure. Because i've been there and all i see are empty rooms with a few chairs and tables. No proper facilities. Nothing. Even the BIG BOSS's office is soooo small and has only a table, a chair, and a drawer for keeping files. No carpet, no curtains, nothing. The education facilitator's room is EMPTY. Heck, the university was already established since 1993! and still there were not much progress going on. Just a few empty rooms, plastic chairs and folding tables.

The organisation got so much money from the students, coming from the registration fees & tuition fees! it was HELL EXPENSIVE! and for sure it will burden a lot of students who doesn't have the chance to pursue their studies within the government universities. But then, where did the money went if they weren't being invested for the development of the university?

You wanna know where the students' hard-earned-money all went? Not the university's development nor the education in any way.

The money went into the pockets of the employees of the university. Hence, the salary of RM3300 per month.

Education is NOT about a business deal. Its about giving the education to people who didn't get lucky enough to be accepted by the government universities.

And this stupid unknown private university is just taking advantage of the unlucky students' money to put into their own pockets. That is pure evil, selfish & cruel.

I don't want a job that ruin people's lives too. therefore the explanation above was also the reason why i rejected the job offer.

But then. i really WANT a job. A stable job that pays for my PTPTN loan.

OMG, Wow. PTPTN huh? i just thought of that (O_O). I need to pay back the loan! (O.o) and i might not be able to have a perfectly STABLE job for a long time! (due to the problemsUNIHELL is creating)

three people already offered to help me and i am grateful for their kindness... but... all three of them went quiet until today. Leaving me *STILL* jobless. (T_T)

I sent my resumes to A LOT of companies already, both HOTELS & TEACHING JOBS. (By email and internet of course huhu~) and all of them still has no response at all, until today. Quiet, leaving me *STILL* jobless.

I've went to only one interview so far and rejected the stupid job anyway.

I've sent my resume & job application face to face to a hotel in seremban, knowing i might not be able to get a job since i didn't write the position i am applying in the form. (since i dont really know what job in a hotel suits a TESL degree graduate like me)

And now i feel miserable... JOBLESS & miserable.

adding with the pressure UNIHELL is giving regarding the stupid transcript & my degree cert.

If i really give a thought about this, i would be crying in my room for days, being depressed like how i was back when i was 16 and 18.

i went into a total depression regarding my future when i was 16 & 18 like how i am facing now.

16 yrs old: worrying about not being able to cope with science subjects and not being able to drop them too. i cried in the penolong kanan pengetua's office and cried like hell in the toilet afterwards, and i cry at home everyday after school.

18 yrs old: worrying about being rejected by government universities and not being able to pursue my studies. I cried almost everyday and degrade myself by loathing and despising myself as the days pass by. i did this since dec 2006- jul 2007. A LONG TIME.

And now, the 'deciding my future' phase has come again. NOW.

22 yrs old: The phase where i need a job and fail to be accepted by every companies i have applied, and not being able to get a stable job to pay for my ptptn loan nor to live LIKE A NORMAL ADULT.

I'm afraid i might burst into depression again soon.

Facing lonely days and nights full with tears and despising myself.

I hate myself. so FFFFFF much.

It opened my eyes & heart. :)

I did the most coolest thing today, and this ought to be one of the historical moments in my life.

I went to an interview, Finally got the job, and ending up rejecting it in the end.

By that, i mean by rejecting a job of RM3300 per month salary.

Why? Here's the thing.

I was expecting this job to be something, SOMETHING you know. But the moment i stepped into the office, the only thing the interviewer talked about is describing how and what should i do to get new students registering in that particular university.

He didn't even touched my resume nor certificates.

Which gave me this idea that "He would even accept an SPM-leaver kid to do this job, as long as that kid brings students to register in the university."

So was that 4 years of hardship in UNIHELL worth it for this job? When he doesn't even care about my education level or how well i did in UNIHELL? All he cared about is my potential in bringing in new clients (of which i never will have the guts to do it) and not my grades or education level (despite the high salary).

If i accept that sales & marketing job, i think my 4 years of hard work in UNIHELL was useless. he doesn't givadamn about the grades. he gives a damn about how much money i can make.

Of which i can do without going through 4 years of hardship in the first place.

The salary was of course, tempting. But i get the hang of myself and decided that i CANNOT ACCEPT THIS JOB. I CAN'T DO IT AND NEVER WILL.

Because my 4 years of hard work will go to waste.

Because i am currently not that desperate to get a job.

Because I am not good, never will, and HATE sales & marketing jobs.

Because I want to work hard for my dream job and not wanting to be stuck committing towards the company working the job i hate most for the next 10 or 20 years to come.

I came to that place with a strong hope, and i left with pride.

I won't sell my soul to the Devil of Life just to get a lot of money, and ending up living the rest of my days as a miserable, unhappy, unsatisfied, pathetic, soulless, upset woman who hates her job she is doing and will continue to do forever.

No. I can't do that job. I CAN'T.

Thus i ending up rejecting the offer and walk out empty handed, but with a relieved heart knowing i made a correct decision.

There are plenty of other jobs in the sea.

I will work my way from bottom to top in a hotel enviroment even if it means becoming only as a receptionist at first and having a small salary.

but i am HAPPY to work that way, rather than selling my soul to the Devil just for the sake of money. I know i won't be happy and i dont wanna be stuck doing that crappy job and being too late in chasing the dream job.

I want the experience of working in a hotel, climbing my way up despite the small salary. (hey, i'm still single and have no current commitment towards any liabilities yet allright?)

NEVER SALES & MARKETING.

Happiness is much worth it for the last hated 4 years of hardship. I spent 4 years taking and studying a course i hated and i wont want to spend another 20 years working a job i hated too.

Let this be a good, happy beginning for my career and life. No more shitty, crappy stuff.

The interview made me realize what i hate and what i really want in my life.

Hence, rejecting the Rm3300 job?

It was so, so, so worth it.

heck, it was priceless. :D

How i've hoped...

"I didn't realize how much i've missed her smile, her laughter, how she walks, how she gave me the weird look on her face when she thinks i'm being a complete weirdo, how she keep fixing her scarf every 5 minutes...

I didn't realize how much i terribly missed her, and how much i've been longing for that the moments when we were still together back then...

I didn't have doubt before regarding my decision on loving another girl and broke her heart in the first place..

Until i met her again and went out together as good friends on the 11th July 2011.

And witness all those things i once had in my arms but lost.

How i wish god allow a 48-hour day just for today, so that i could watch the silly laughter and sweet smile from her again,

And just for one more time, feeling like we were never apart... Feeling like we were those crazy couples who just fell in love with each other we once did in the past.

How i wish i never broke her heart.

How i wish i'd never fell in love with another girl.

How i wish she would hold my hand tightly within hers and called me baby.

How i wish she would forgive me, and love me again despite my past mistakes.

I didn't realize how i've missed her and longed the moments i had with her just now to be eternal & certain.

How i've missed her so, so, so much."

How sweet will it be if he actually said these words to me or confessing the truth on how he felt about me when we met after a long time, than that sentence on his fb status (i refuse to do anything about it cuz i dont wanna jinx the feeling).

But it's still actually pretty sweet indeed.

i was kinda hoping and waiting for him to actually said something about us when we sat in front of my dad's fish pond. I was hoping and waiting for him to say something about still missing us and how i still matter to him despite him breaking my heart.

But no, he chose to stay silent and asked "when can i go home now?" instead.

It was called 'hope' anyway. It never meant things to actually come true.

And there he drove by, leaving my house area, not knowing how i actually felt about him and us when we were dating earlier, ever. (despite of being harassed by his current girlfriend)

But one thing is truly certain.

I missed his voice on the phone and wanting to hear that voice again.

Especially the times when i cry. <:)

The question for today is: WHEN?

There are a few questions i would want to mention in this current entry.

1) When the hell will i get a job?! i can't wait to get my first paycheck!

2) When the hell am i going to start finishing the Darkness novel despite my sister's assistance in completing the plot from conflict, climax to resolution?

3) When the hell am i going to get a decent boyfriend this time that will truly love me, be faithful and loyal to me and marry me?

4) When the hell will the term paper result come out so that i can go to UNIHELL to take the result paper??

5) When the hell will i graduate and finally receive my OFFICIAL TESL DEGREE?

6) When the hell will i ever meet my TESL friends again? <:'(

7) When the hell am i going to restart the disturbed diet plan of mine??

8) When the hell am i going to take my laptop & hardisk to be fixed??

9) When the hell am i going to restart the piano lesson again?

WHENWHENWHENWHENWHENWHEN???

Being evil without realizing

i keep butting in people's problems and sub-consciously mind-twisted them into my own desired endings.

I'm evil in a twisted way that i did not realize it myself. Evil for planting my desired decisions in the victims' minds for the problems they entrusted me to keep.

I just couldn't get myself to be a bystander and watching then ruining their life by not creating the correct solution. I couldn't stand it to listen and be helpless about it.

All i want is to help the person to overcome his/her problems and finally have them being able to feel better about his/her life. But i didn't know that the consequences of my actions might worsen the problem.

So far i think i've ruined two people's lives. Unintentionally.

Now i've learned my lesson. Listen only. Don't meddle. Let the people be in charge of their own lives and problems, and learned from the mistakes they made from their own decision. That way, you won't need to take the blame and feel guilty instead.

You should only convince the person to choose what he think is better, and question on their decision in order to make them feel confident regarding it.

So... I'm really sorry for being such a jerk. huhu~ <:'( I just wanted to help...

I'm so evil, i'm so sorry... (T_T)

Sucky feeling.

Inilah susahnya bila berkenalan dengan orang yang dah ada pasangan.

He'll talk about how bad his relationship is with his current girlfriend, making you feel like you are better than her, making you feel good about yourself and good enough of a person to listen to his problems and all.

And after that, he leaves you with questions inside your head.

Questions regarding whether or not you are better than her.

Whether or not you are actually good enough for him.

Because after telling you his problems, he leaves you like you and him had no sort of relationship in any kind. At all.

Like you're nothing to him.

Thats why i don't like people with girlfriends or wives.

Cuz it'll make me feel all sucky when i made that person feels better about himself and yet gain nothing from him in return.

Except for the feeling that you are a nobody to him after you made him feel better.

It sucks a LOT.

a break up.... again.

I've confronted him. Asked him.

He finally spitted out the truth.

"Kita kawan je dulu."

And yes those words are concrete proof of what he really meant.

It sickens me the first few minutes tho.

But after a while, i felt as if a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders, leaving a very light sensation.

I am no more in doubt. No more in the dark. No more questions. Everything is all crystal clear now that i can finally sigh with relief.

Its like finally being able to snap the rope that had been tied to me all these while.

He brought nothing but bad. He cared nothing but to take advantage of me. He used me in so many ways.

He never loved me at all in the first place. I dig the words out of him, asking of his choice and see if he would defend our relationship, defending us. But no, he chose to back off.

Hmmph.

Good riddance.