Recently i often had this urge of wanting to buy the Tafsiran Al-Quran because i wanted to read it, to really understand the words from Allah Himself. I wanted to understand every sentence in the book and comprehend the deep message from the Superior God. However until today i still haven't had the chance to buy it yet due to lack of income, but i will buy it one day Insyallah.
Recently i also began to wonder things related to God. Sometimes i would just stare up at the sky and wonder, is He looking at me right now? is He up there somewhere in the sky? Does He feels angry with the sins i kept on doing repeatedly? Will He ever be able to forgive my sins for i have committed so many on purpose?
at times i feel ashamed to really face Him and ask Him for help or anything, because i feel i don't deserve His kindness. I mean, who am i? i'm not a pious Muslim at all. in facr, i rarely prayed to him. i knew i am supposed to, but yet i did it again and again. i also have lied to someone and destroyed that person's life. And until today i still cannot stop my habit of doing something really bad. I committed a lot of sins to Him continuously and has made Him angry for the millionth times. Does someone like me deserves to be helped or asking a favor to the Lord? i don't think so. In fact, i feel so, so, so embarrassed to do so after committing so many sins. I am not even sure if i will ever be forgiven.
Nevertheless, it never stopped me from remembering Him. yes, i am just a mere human and i admit i do forget Him most of the time. But let me tell you something.
Have you ever experienced crying till your head hurts so much? i did, and not only i experienced it when my beloved ones hurt my feelings, but i've also cried that way when remembering Allah, and recalling how terrible of a slave i am to Him.
Everytime the topic about God popped out by friends or families, i will always avoid it. If i couldn't do that, i would always use the word 'GOD' instead of 'ALLAH'. Why?
Because i feel so embarrassed to even call His name when i am a terrible Muslim myself. I feel i don't deserve to call Allah by His name. I feel disgusted with myself for tainting such a pure name if i do say it with my filthy mouth which have told lies and committed the sins. i am terribly ashamed to Allah with my sins that i cried so hard till my head hurts when i do prayed. I felt so afraid if He won't be able to forgive me, and i hate myself so much for being unable to actually change for good.
In face right now i am crying while writing this. I've just watched the video 'Freedom of Choice' and it showed how majestic Allah is and His entire creations. I felt touched by how majestic Allah can be and what he had done for us and the world to the point where i cried like a baby watching it. I cried with amazement, amazed by creations and powers of Allah. Subhanallah, i feel so small and weak comparing to Him. Even saying the word of praising God has made me cried.
If given a choice, i would like to lie down calmly for a few minutes this one day (or night) and to just stare at the sky, thinking 1001 questions and wonders regarding our Lord. I really am grateful for being a Muslim and i begged so many times in my heart, begging to Allah to not let me go astray, to always guide me to continue remembering Him. I don;t want my belief to fade or heading towards the wrong side of the road. i want to stay in the true path even though i am sinned. I want to always be able to remember Him and knows confidently that i am not lost. i want to always constantly be reminded of Him so that i won't forget.
But then, do i deserve to be forgiven when i keep repeating the same sins all over again? do i even deserve a place in His heart when i am ashamed with him and my own sins?
p/s: Subhanallah, a magical thing just happened. While i was feeling so down writing and thinking of this thing, suddenly my sister called me out of the blue and told me what i should do when i feel down. My heart skipped a beat when i heard her saying that...
How did she know i was really down, in fact, was crying? I asked her and she said she don't know why but she suddenly felt like telling me that.
Subhanallah... Allah really listened to my prayers, He listened every word of my cries and helped comforting me by channeling through my sister. Ya Allah... Soon after my sister hung up, i cried again.. It was an indescribable feeling. Allah Himself had actually listened to my cries and COMFORTED me... Ya Allah... I felt so, so, so touched to the deepest heart that i can't stop crying and repeatedly thanking Him... I am so deeply touched that He still listens and feels concern of a horrible slave like myself to the point that He showed to me His great power straight away... Is this His way of saying that i am finally forgiven?
Ya Allah, thank you so much... I've never felt so blessed by You my entire life... Thank you... Thank you, thank you, thank you so, so so much.... <:')