Multiple updates~

On my way back home, i had a lot in my mind that i feel like sharing with everyone.

I had thoughts about death, about carrier, about social & love life, about how cute some of my students are, and many more.

But as soon as i reached home and turned on my laptop to write it all down, my mind went totally blank. There were too many things to write about that i don't know where on earth to give it a good start.

First of all, i just can't wait to end my university life and start my carrier, my working life. I can't wait to have my own home, my own car, and be independent. I can't wait to start a new love life, marriage, have children of my own, etc~

The point is, i just can't wait to move on to the next level in life.

Secondly, the last 2 days one of the best moments in my life (^_^) went for a vacation (literally! not just following dad with one of his work trip, but literally paying the hotel using our money and travel there to have fun and spend some quality time together!). Other than that, i don't know why but throughout the whole vacation trip, my good friend Shakir accompanied me. He even called me a few times! talking about a miracle! why? because since he became a state football player, he'd been super busy and rarely contacted me. And i sort of merajuk with him afterwards. and he promised to change, and he did. I felt as if he's my BF accompanying me on my vacation trip with my family and getting my updates all the time while i'm away (tho the fact is that he never will be). And aside from that, of course, the moment of playing Pictionary with my family was the best moment ever. It was the very first time that we sat together and play. I never regret buying that game tho it was hell expensive, because if it is to compare with the memory we had, the moment was definitely priceless (^,^)

The only sad moment during the vacation is that... I felt so 'alone'. Ya know, that being-single-type-of-loneliness. I imagined how nice will it be to go for a vacation with my husband one day and go for a romantic walk along the beach or swimming in the ocean together, and got back to our hotel room and cuddle together.

If only that can happen. *sigh*

Thirdly, i need to return to the school and i have no idea whether i am feeling excited or reluctant to return there. I feel excited to meet the students for extra-curricular activities, but i don't enjoy teaching or being observed when teaching. Whatever it is, i am definitely not ready.

Fourth, i have decided to change my nickname 'Nizt89'. The nickname has been too famous that once a person typed my nickname on google or any search engine, my whole HISTORY within the internet is revealed, including my private notes and stuff! so i've decided to change it. Nizt89 will still be used as my identity on the internet. But i will use this extra identity@screen name for private stuff. Or maybe, i'll use both. Just to confuse these people on the net regarding who my real identity is. Nizt89 will be open for public use. but this other screen name will be my mysterious identity whereby i will not even reveal whether i am a female or a male, my age, and my race@religion, let alone the other details of me. That way, i am free to talk about whatever i want and to whoever i want without the fear of being known,judged or humiliated.

I can be free to talk about stuff i have always wanted to let out, and known only as '****'. >:)

Now, looking for a suitable symbol@picture to complete this identity.

That is all i think. *sigh* when will i ever meet the one who is right for me? huhu~

I have been thinking about....

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since i've lost my voice permanently.

About Allah, and how this world appears as only an illusion to the real situation we will face once death steps on our door.

About how envious i am with people who are in love & married, but feeling grateful at the same time for still being single and not involved in the conflicts that married or loving couple faces; just like how i used to experience once upon a time.

About how my future beholds; how will i meet the man destined for me, where my carrier will start and how it will go.

About the smvsb students who made my day and what will happen to the beloved students once i finished my practicum.

About how heavy the sins i carry on my shoulder and when i will start to repent.

About how long will the conflict regarding my grandparents continue.

About when will i start having my own salary, my own car, my own home, my own life.

About how many people i have hurt and need to ask for forgiveness.

About the need to change behavior, thinking, and physically to better to deserve a good man for my future, and have that man deserves me as his future wife.

About being thankful that my hurtful past ended, giving me the space to recover, to fix myself and to earn a better person. Allah's promise, a good man is for a good woman, and so does the other way around. In order to earn a good man in my life, i first need to change myself to be a good woman. Lady. Girl.

I am not yet ready for a relationship no matter how i envy the loving couples around me. I am not ready because i have not yet fully transformed to a better person. Therefore until i have completely changed and reached my goals, i am not yet ready for relationships and do not mind of being single.

Dear Lord, thank you for waking me up from my stupid dream.

This world is an illusion. The afterlife is reality. Bear that in mind.

Oh, the sweet memories~

i'm starting to love these SMVSB students.

Thanks to them, i've changed from a shy person, to a person who can mix around.

Thanks to them, i have many sweet memories to remember by, with all the jokes & laughter.

I'll remember them forever.

Thank you to every students who made SMVSB's english week work out. God bless your good deeds & i will never forget you guys (T,T)

We aren't gonna meet anymore after 30th april.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you (T,T)

p/s: i'll let you see my FB after i finished practicum ya? :P

Many Many Many things to say~

1st of all, my voice is... Permanently damaged.

I never shouted nor raise my voice my whole life. And when i did it for the first time the last 3 weeks, it definitely caused quite a heavy toll.

My voice was gone for a week. The next week, i thought my voice will be back to normal but no.

It stays that way; the 'serak basah' voice when you have sore throat. It stays until today.

And will stay that way forever... <:'(

I can no longer sing a high pitched note. I can't sing a soprano-based note for the rest of my life. And my voice will sound like i am having a sore throat or a rocker's kinda voice for the rest of my life.

I am a handicapped now... *Cries*

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Currently very, very busy with school work. Since i've started working as a teacher & a warden, now i understood how it feels like to work.

Its TIRING & EXHAUSTING. Waking up as early as 6am everyday, and going to sleep at 12am. There's no time for personal things such as going out for a movie, hanging out, or writing your diary. All you can think of once you got home is sleep.

And you see, this is just the life of a BACHELOR. imagine how its like if you are working & married & with children. SMALL children.

I bet it's gonna be 10 times exhausting.

Now i understand why there are those women out there with carriers who are still not married.

Now i understand what those women meant by being too busy to think of a love life.

Because now i'm in their shoes.

I just hope that i won't end up like them. I REALLY hope so. But if it's my fate that i end up not being able to get married then i can learn to accept it.

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Currently busy with choir day & night, desperately trying to apply the term paper method for my research, busy with the banner & managing the English Week with lots of activities, busy planning lessons for teaching, busy with warden duties such as checking dorms and locking the gates, busy with extra work, busy with relief classes... Busy busy busy...

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