I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since i've lost my voice permanently.
About Allah, and how this world appears as only an illusion to the real situation we will face once death steps on our door.
About how envious i am with people who are in love & married, but feeling grateful at the same time for still being single and not involved in the conflicts that married or loving couple faces; just like how i used to experience once upon a time.
About how my future beholds; how will i meet the man destined for me, where my carrier will start and how it will go.
About the smvsb students who made my day and what will happen to the beloved students once i finished my practicum.
About how heavy the sins i carry on my shoulder and when i will start to repent.
About how long will the conflict regarding my grandparents continue.
About when will i start having my own salary, my own car, my own home, my own life.
About how many people i have hurt and need to ask for forgiveness.
About the need to change behavior, thinking, and physically to better to deserve a good man for my future, and have that man deserves me as his future wife.
About being thankful that my hurtful past ended, giving me the space to recover, to fix myself and to earn a better person. Allah's promise, a good man is for a good woman, and so does the other way around. In order to earn a good man in my life, i first need to change myself to be a good woman. Lady. Girl.
I am not yet ready for a relationship no matter how i envy the loving couples around me. I am not ready because i have not yet fully transformed to a better person. Therefore until i have completely changed and reached my goals, i am not yet ready for relationships and do not mind of being single.
Dear Lord, thank you for waking me up from my stupid dream.
This world is an illusion. The afterlife is reality. Bear that in mind.
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