Thursday, 27 January 2011


Currently in Bilik Guru 1

Honestly, since i've started the life of a warden/teacher here, i am sort of experiencing endless sleepiness.

How can i not be sleepy when the school starts at 7am every single day? and that i need to wake up early EVERY DAY, as early as 5.45am to get ready to go to school? Not the 5 times in a week period, but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Resulting sudden feeling of sleepiness most of the times and ending up sleeping in Bilik Guru.

I can't stand this routine. This ****-ing routine made it essential for me to sleep as early as 9pm everyday instead of the regular 12am-3am sleep time of mine.


And you know what? The school starts at 7am, and ends at 3.30pm. Teachers are required to punch out only at 3.40 the EARLIEST.

Another thing is that, we don't get paid when doing this stupid 3 months practical. We can't get allowance, I can't get the allowance for being a warden and a teacher. News flash: i am forced to 'work' here and 'being a warden' here, doing all the work and EXTRA work for 4 whole months, for FREE.

Which the teachers (upper level) took advantage on our 'free service' to pass HEAVY SCHOOL ADMIN WORK STUFF that they cannot handle (as they do not have the time or are simply lazy) to us 'workers-without-pay/charge'.

We need to do extra jobs for the school just for the sake of taking good care of our UNIHELL's name. We need to do extra jobs for 4 months, for free (without allowance, although being a warden and a practical teacher here is supposed to have allowance). Why?

Because our university is a PRIVATE university, and that the only reason we are able to perform our practical here is because of the consideration and 'sympathy' from the school. Just because we are from a private university, our practical depends on 'belas ihsan sekolah2' who are willing to help and give a place for us to do our practical.

Sounds like a bunch of beggars who depends on charity and sympathy from people to survive.

Lacking of sleep + tired + EXTRA jobs + no allowance = @#$%^&*!!!!!!

Teaching is not my passion. The only reason i am willing to continue my studies is because i need the qualification to get jobs with high pays/salaries. I don't care whatever job it is as long as i get the pay to live my life. Money/salary comes first, Job satisfaction later.

And being here... Is like being a slave...

Working and being 'forced' to do extra admin work (kononnya minta tolong) without pay.

Hey, i don't mind relief classes in terms of giving extra work. But don't you ever give me ADMIN WORKS!

End this misery FAST!!!!

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Updates, updates, updates!

Interesting things happened recently.

From my 'work' life, to my own personal life.

Recent success of mine? I finally am able to drive alone all the way from my school to Seremban!

Alone, i tell you! (^.^)

Which increases my confidence in driving nearby my home and all. I can't believe i am able to drive alone and find my way back home LOL.

Personal life huh? Oh..... Urm... None to say.

Work life? A lot of duties, and students creating problems... Such as paranormal-related problems and diciplinary problems... And teaching... Urm... Teaching... Huhuhu....

I don't know... Have no idea what to teach.. Still have no idea...

HELP ME!!! I'm so dead!

Friday, 21 January 2011

2 entries.


I can't believe it.. I have finally become a teacher!

But there's too much work to be done.

Warden duty, lesson plans, helping out the school with their activities, finishing the 2010 yearly report, blah blah blah~

It was truly awkward for me when i became a teacher for the first time. It was awkward to listen to these school kids greeting you and saying "assalamualaikum cikgu" everytime they passed me. It is even more awkward to be entrust with such authority; by meaning that i am actually the one with the power over these school kids. I can punish them, tell them what to do, and still have them respecting me at the same time. I'm still not used with being in authority. I'm not used with having the ultimate power over people, to be able to tell people what to do without being scolded or questioned. But hell yeah it is awesome indeed!

I want to be a teacher these students will love and appreciate, the teacher they will remember and feel inspired for the rest of their lives, the teacher that changes their lives. I don't want to be just a teacher to their eyes, but a teacher that touches their very soul. But i'm still in doubt on how to get to these students' hearts.

=.= Oh yeah, not to mention regarding the male teachers there.... Very... Urm... friendly & good looking. Nevermind.

Other than that, the teachers are quite friendly and helpful (^^) and the students aren't that many.

Oh... And the... Dorm... Urm... Haunted? *shivers* huhuhu~

Too many to write here.. I'll tell u if there's really something worth telling.


He has a scandal.

And he actually loves her. Broke my heart.

Has he never consider how i would actually feel if he loves another girl?

How if I love another guy? and telling him i am considering on marrying the other guy instead of him? How would he feel then?

Or maybe, his love to me has decrease... He doesn't text me that often anymore, and has cared for me lesser and lesser each day... Ever since his brother start moving into his home, the family business problem, and ever since he start knowing that... that.... Girl.

The one he admits he likes so much and perhaps love, to the point where he is considering on marrying her. The one that actually brought positive changes in him.

Unlike me... The so called devil within his life... The slut... The one that only bring bad to him.

I can never, ever, ever accept if the person i love actually loves somebody else. That is a huge PROHIBITION in my life.


And so i told him... If he loves her, then be the best for her. Marry her, be her best husband and i will never disturb him anymore. I will leave him in peace for him and her to live happily. I will back down and give way to that girl if he loves her, although i love him too much. For her sake, for his sake. I can't stand it when he keeps mentioning about the other girl. Frankly, I HATE HER. Who doesn't when there's this other hijacker hijacks your beloved one until he wants to marry her? I feel terribly sorry for the wives whose husbands marry a second wife, a third wife, and so on. I am sorry, i can never be able to live with such pain. I rather not be married, or stay single that being married to someone who loves another girl other. And i will NEVER let myself become the second, third, or fourth wife. NEVER. And I will NEVER let myself be a victim of the husband who marries a girl other than me.

Yeah, its hard.. But i've made up my mind. Once he chooses her, and once he admits to me he loves her and if he mention to me about wanting to marry HER or any other girl, I will back down and let him have a happy life with her. If she is the best for him, then be it. I won't want to cause chaos or fighting over him with some other girl.

If she wants him, and he wants her, then go ahead and have a happy life together. May both of them be happy for the rest of their lives. It breaks my heart, but i am willing to let him go if he loves her.

Because the pain of having to live with your husband loving another girl is much worse than the pain of breaking up with the one you love whom had cheated on you.

I'll let him choose. I won't let him love and have the both of us. He will only need to choose one.

If you choose me, then be the old you that i knew. The one who worries me, who will call me everytime i did not reply his messages, wanting to know every updates of mind, listening to me when i have problems, comforting me when i cry, saying how much he loves me... And most of all...

Cry for me... Actually cried for me due to worry of losing me. (I still remember he actually cried on the phone, telling me he can never live without me although i was at the wrong side at the time. But now, not anymore... Never bothered at all... I guess this time he doesn't mind if i'm dead or sick... I guess this time, since he has that GIRL in his life, since he fell in love with her, he can live without me and his tears has long dried for me. I guess, this time he will cry for HER, and tell HER he worries of losing her and can't live without her just like how he did to me.)

But if your heart strongly desires for her, then i'll leave you in peace. Be the best for her and i hope you will have a happy life with her. And thank you for toying around with my heart and fooling me around like an idiot who loves you.

Choose between me and her, before i make the decision for you.

I have none to say.

Sunday, 16 January 2011


He has never done this to me..

I don't know what i did wrong till he changed so drastically.

He's not the old him i used to know... The old him used to worry of me everytime i did not reply his text messages. He even got worried when i said i need to do my practical at a school where there are mostly males. Telling me to keep him updated. He will call me everytime i didnt reply him. Always pick up and answer when i call him, telling me sweet words that he loves me.. and even cried, just because i stay silent on the phone and let him talk by himself..

i still remember he said this when we just coupled:

"Sayang, do you remember the first time when i say i love you? well i don't feel the same anymore, because i love you more than that... Love you sayang.."

That was the most touching text he ever sent me, that i still remember untill today, and even showed it to my family and friends, to show them how much he loves me and cares for me... That made me fell in love so deeply with him, and let me unlocked my long-guarded gates to my heart. He was so, so caring, so, so full with love and he always showed how much he loves me and cares for me...

But that was the times when we coupled during the early period... Now, he changes so much..

No longer care to reply my texts, nor if i don't text him for a very long time... No longer worries of me if i am safe, no longer asks me for updates. The loving words just disappeared. He has stopped caring about me or my feelings entirely, and often make me cry without having even a slice piece of guilt in him... And he stops crying for me too... The first reason that made me fell in love with him was listening to him crying just because i refuse to talk to him... I felt touched that a guy would cry just for me... But now his tears and love towards me has gone dry for so long..

Even has the guts to hung up on me and refuse to answer my calls when i called him many, many times... And when he finally answered, i cried asking him why did he hung up on me, and he hung up again, straight away..

and send me text message "pehal nak nangis?" and "Jangan col lg!"

The worse part was when he admits he likes another girl... Its ok to like somebody, but the problem here is, he even has the intention to marry her.

Whatever wrong have i done to him till he is willing to hurt me this bad?

Can't stop crying because of him... Can't... stop... crying.....

Friday, 14 January 2011

How would you feel when your beloved one says this?

Imagine if someone you love, your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancée says this phrase:

"I love her/him, but i like the other her/him."

How would you feel when he or she said that to his/her friend, of which you happen to found out about it?

And worse, that you love him/her so much and have high expectations and even have planned on marrying him/her?

Finding out the one you love actually likes somebody else and has higher chances on marrying the other person instead of you, although you love him/her all your heart; how does that make you feel?

Whatever the feelings are, i am positive that none of them is a good feeling.

As for me? How do i feel when my beloved one admits he actually likes another girl and is able to marry her, and be with her instead of me?

I can't describe them with words. My tears just flow and dropped automatically.. My eyes got wet. My heart... All i can feel right now is pain.

How could he betray me like this. How could he toy around with me, after i have literally gave all my heart and soul to him, which is never an easy thing for me.

How could he break his promises, betray my trust to him, and break my heart this cruel.

It feels so much god-damn worse than a broken heart.

Because everytime i recall his confession, all i could do is cry.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Unexpected duty-call

At first i was excited on becoming a warden for the female hostel.

But now, i'm starting to have doubts, as i began to realize the heavy duties and responsibilities as a warden. Heck, i'm worried of not having enough time to finish my lesson plans and term paper on time!

How am i able to finish my lesson plans before the next day when i have to round the female hostel a few times in the middle of the night to make sure the students are all in bed, asleep?

How am i able to finish my lesson plans before tomorrow when we need to stay concious if there are emergencies involving the students happening in the middle of the night at stake?

Or worse, if the female/male students are sneaking into each other's hostel in the middle of the night?

And having to do random spotchecks to check if the students brought things that are not allowed in hostels or school?

And so, having to punish them by other means than hurting or humiliating them in any way?

*sigh*... I hope i can carry out this warden duty AND finish my term paper & lessons on time.

Dear Lord please lend me your strength and help me... huhu~

Monday, 10 January 2011

Good News & Bad News

first entry:

I can't believe i have finally ended my 4 year course in UNIHELL. It is still fresh in my mind about the first time, the very first time i attended the class and meet with my fellow classmates 4 years ago. It's hard to believe that i have stick together with the same friends for 4 years. Even my life during school can't ever beat the life i had in UNIHELL. I am speechless in describing how thankful i am feeling to have been in the B class, with my current classmates, the coolest classmates ever! (although i am never happy and satisfied with my progress in UNIHELL academically.)

I still remember my thoughts during the earlier periods in this damned place. I was thinking "it feels forever staying in this middle of nowhere! when will i ever get out of this place???"

But now, eventhough it has been 4 years, it still feels like the time isn't yet enough. Still feels too short of a time to leave this place. I'm gonna miss all my fellow friends and classmates. Never had such cool and sporting classmates and friends all my life. I'm not embarrassed to admit that i enjoy my life and times in university than school years tho it was torturing as hell (academically speaking).

But then, despite of feeling melancholy regarding my very final meeting with classmates before we took off to take different paths, i am feeling excited and anxious at the same time. Excited to face the next phase in life; the life of a career, bachelor and marriage woman.

I have waited for 15 years to end this academic misery and i have enough with sitting for exam papers and worrying of grades. It is time to move on to the next phase where i can work and receive paychecks to spend on for fun, responsibility, and survival; an entirely different life. The life of a true adult.

And i can't wait to enter THAT kind of life!

second entry:

Trully disappointed with a particular person in my life.

Broke my heart and soul to dusts when he admitted he's not gonna marry me.

I've told him about NOT WANTING to love anyone who cannot afford to marry me, and NOT WANTING to love anyone who only wants to couple for the sake of fun. I warned him these even before i met him and accepted him as part of me.

And he answered he's looking for the exact same thing.

I told him i was tired of falling in love and out of love with people who aren't really serious and aren't looking forward for marriage. I only wanted to love and will only accept the one who ARE LOOKING FORWARD for marriage.

Odd enough, he agreed with me and wanted the same thing; which made me accepted him in my life as i thought he will be the one who trully loves me and will be my husband one day.

And then recently, i mentioned about marriage. Early marriage.

And somehow it 'freaked' him out and made him has cold feet.

And all those dearly lovey-dovey words he promised and mentioned before we coupled just disappeared. He freaked out when i mentioned to him of marrying me and wanted to break our relationship apart if marriage is what i want; Destroying every single piece of hopes and dreams i have imagined with him in it.

Instead of telling me he will work it out for the sake of being together with me, he threw harsh and hurtful words to me, jeering me to leave him and find someone else if i am expecting him to marry me. He made all those dreams he had me hoped sinks deep into the ocean of sorrow.

It made me cried when he admitted he will not marry me and will not even try to throw efforts to marry me after telling me how much he loves me all these while we have been together.

Speaking about crying, i have lost count of how many times i cried since yesterday regarding this problem. He made me cried so bad, broke my heart and he did not seemed to care at all. I even cried in the train, because i was waiting for his text messages to persuade me, but all i get was text messages saying that he wants to break up with me if i want to marry him, and asked me if i had told my mom about it.

Made me cried again when his voice at the end of line seems so cold and harsh, forcing me to get lost if i can't afford to wait for him for another 7 years.

He claims that he loves me, but refuses to marry me and was willing to 'pass' me to some other guy as if i am worthless to him.

He said he was looking for a wife and not a girlfriend before we coupled, and i have even warned him of the same thing. And now he is the one breaking his words.

This is why i hate guys, hate to love, hate to be loyal.

This was why i even became a playgirl before i met him.

I am not someone who easily gives my heart to someone. I am not someone who will love and give my all to him so easily. My heart is cold and hard. I only let very few people to receive my love all out. I am only loyal to very few people in my life, and those few people were chosen because they managed to melt my solid-rock heart into sand.

He was one of them.

And just like every other guys i have been with, he chose to leave me.

Just the same like the other few people i let inside my heart.

Can't recall how much i cried today because of him. Can't recall how much damage he has costs to my feelings and heart. He has destroyed not just my dreams but my trust to all men as well.

I am not someone who loves people so easily, and once i gave my trust to him, one among the very few people, he betrayed it.

He betrayed it. He betrayed it. He betrayed it.

He betrayed it.

I have none to say. I will not decide on my ending. He will.

Love equals with effort and ends with marriage, not addition of 7 years of wait.

He wanted me to wait for 7 years just because either he has no confidence in himself, or that he actually feels lazy to work for his future in the near future.

He wanted me to wait until i become old, useless, and worthless, only then he will marry me.

That was what HE SAID.

And who knows, if he suddenly choose not to marry at all after i have waited for 7 years for his sake, with an excuse that he's NOT YET READY, and this time, wanted to wait untill he is 40.

Just like what he said to me this evening. He was the one who agreed on wanting to couple with me for the sake of marriage and not just for the sake of love. But when the marriage question comes, he choose not to marry me, with an excuse that he's NOT YET READY, and wanted me to wait until he is 30.

Ya Allah... Please show and guide me to my true future husband... I have enough shedding useless tears for broken hearts and stupid break ups. Please dear God, just lead me to my future husband and no more 'pit-stops' with different guys that will not marry me.

If i have none, then let me stay single, lonely and worthless for the rest of my life.

p/s: Crying while typing this and still crying when reading this. and ignore my writings. Let it be reminded that this blog is the particular blog where i write and tell how i currently felt to the world, for the whole world to know and understand me. (and the proof of my existence and what happened in my life in this world when i die soon.)

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Satisfying setting for PRIVACY!

I feel safer in FB rather than in my own blog.

I can't even write anything i want here for people to read and know my feelings.

Because there are no specific settings to hide the entries whatsoever. It's all public, even people who don't follow me are able to read them.

I can no longer write stupid, *TOOT* stuff that bothers me for my friends to read and know.

But not in FB.

FB has specific settings where u can block and hide the posts from you nor your friends from being read by certain people.

I just did that, and from now on i can hide what i say to the world from 'certain' people who might or might not read my blog entries. Those anonymous followers i don't know.

I may not be able to write any *TOOT* stuff anymore in here, but i can always write them in FB, on my FB status. I can reveal my true feelings to my friends and hide them from the people whom i need to behave to, the people whom i need to be 'concerned' of his/her image, and also my own, from other people, especially in front of the relatives.

I can write any god-damn-status i want, whether ranting or criticizing or TELL MY TRUE FEELINGS without needing to worry about what my family and relatives think of me.

Because they can't read them. Because i've set the settings to hide from them.

I apologize to certain family members whom i had also hide my wall posts to. I just need to do that to secure my privacy 100%, secure my privacy so i know i feel safe whenever i write things that hurts my feelings to people. Feelings that has to do with the family members themselves or my relatives. But then..

TAKE THAT, fellow anonymous blog readers! >:)

p/s: hell yeah it feels so god-damn satisfying indeed, and to Mr Fanssurivokovic, this entry has nothing to do with you, because you are not one of those people i hide and block in FB. (i'm telling this just in case if you misunderstood the enrty and find fault with me, which u always did before hmm.)

Wednesday, 5 January 2011



God i was so goddamn happy and thankful that i wanted to do sujud syukur! Finally after a year of waiting, since the end of 2009, i passed the JPJ test on the 5th of January 2011!!!

There were so many things that went through my mind when i got to know i passed the JPJ test:

1) I can finally help my mom to drive when she's tired or have back pains or sore feet

2) I can finally go anywhere i want without using the public transport, and without having to make difficult of my mom to drive me there

3) I can drive to UNIHELL and my school and i don't need to take the bus anymore!

4) I can finally DRIVE myself home rather than having to wait and use the KTM :D

5) I can take my siblings to go out by driving rather than having to wait for mom or make difficult of her to take them out. (eg: go to jusco to watch movies, take them to the store if they need things, take them out to eat outside, etc)

6) I can change driving shifts with my parents when we are driving long-distance

7) I can go to any state i want, ANYWHERE i want (genting highland, KL, etc) without having to take the bus NOR wait for my mom or 'menyusahkan' my mom to take me there. I can just go there without worrying of transportation :P

Basically, the two most essential thing that i had in my mind when i passed my JPJ test was that, 1st, i am finally capable of being INDEPENDENT!!! and 2nd, i can finally HELP my mom to drive rather than just listen to her complaints of sore back and feet helplessly when she drove (as i couldn't drive back then. BACK THEN, HAH!!! LOL!!! :PPP)


Ok, lets start talking about how i passed it. I failed JPJ twice before this, twice at the 3 pointer and the road. And i wasn't fully ok with controlling the car on the slope as well.

And then hell yeah i was scared and got so god-damn nervous on the way to the JPJ test. The JPJ test place was far away from UNIHELL.. Very, very far away. So i had a lot of bad thoughts in my mind, of how if i fail this time too? Wasted of RM560, and a pain in the ass of having to be forced to go back and forth from my rent house to school/UNIHELL by Bus since no one in my practicum group were able to drive nor has any cars to drive. My stomach had these painful butterflies on the way to the place.

The wait was much more painful than doing the actual test.

Surprisingly, i didn't feel that much of nervousness in me when i finally arrived and was about to do all three test (slope, parking and 3 pointer) in the track. I convinced myself that i've done this like a million times during my practice session and i've done the same for JPJ twice before. I am familiar with the procedures and the techniques therefore i had no reason to freak out. I felt even more confident when i had been taught by my driving school teacher there the real technique on overcoming the slope, and had somewhat basically mastered the skill as well.

(FYI, i was taught by 2 different driving teachers when i failed my JPJ twice before this, both of them from the same driving school in Puchong, but this time i took the class and test in Kuala Kubu, with a different teacher, and surpiringly i passed.)

=_=" of course, the only thing i was worried at that time was whether or not i can pass the 3 pointer test this time.

When i did the 3 pointer, i panicked a little, just a little, because i was worried if i had accidentally touched the line again on the cement floor. But halfway, i decided to just go for it and not going to let myself be bothered and disturbed by the problem. i said to myself, it doesn't matter anymore if i pass or not because if i don't pass, it will be just the same like my previous JPJ tests, therefore the same cycle will repeat itself again.

i Was actually waiting for the JPJ officer to blow his whistle to stop me and say that i fail, and tell me to get out of the car (just like how my twice of my failure did previously). Shockingly when i did the 3 pointer, I hear no whistle blowing! I was just about to feel happy then suddenly..

My car suddenly reverse a bit backwards due to the slope when i stopped the car to drive it out. And i know that it will be a fail when the car move more than 3 times. And there i thought "Damn! Fail again!"

When i got to the JPJ's table to get my form, i got even more frustrated when my 3 pointer form was empty. I cursed myself for failing again at the very same place.

And then there it was.... The officer suddenly ticked every box and wrote there 'Lulus'!!!

I was soo soooo sooo happy! The first time ever of passing that 3 pointer test during JPJ test!!! I blurted out 'Alhamdullillah!' out of happiness, and said thank you happily to the officer, and he smiled awkwardly to me. (he had no idea how desperate i was to get a pass for the 3 pointer test)

The same goes to the on-the-road test. I failed twice too previously. The first time was because i used the right lane, and it was a mandatory mistake. The second time, i had food poisoning and the road was as busy as hell, so i drove like nuts and was too eager to switch lanes till i was claimed as driving dangerously =_="

And so i hadn't had on high hopes to pass this one too, although i was pretty much confident on driving. When i got into the car, i did everything i should before driving, and i drove like how i practised during the lessons. Like usual, the JPJ officer wasn't showing his friendly face. He didn't even smile. The worse part was that he wore sunglasses, so i couldn't read his eyes and tell his expression whether he was pleased with my driving or not.

Come to say of it, i noticed that MOST JPJ officers wear sunglasses, and i was dying to know why. Why would they wear sunglasses? is it compulsory for them? Because the sunglasses made them look cool, but frightening. The sunglasses made them look fierce, which adds to the nervousness of fellow first-timers of JPJ test-takers.

And so to break the ice, i finally dared myself to ask my JPJ officer the question when driving back to the JPJ test place, while waiting at the traffic light to go green. (after waiting for a long time, considering whether or not i should ask because the officer looked so fierce and not wanting to talk or anything).

Again, surprisingly, he responded well and even friendly to me! He complained to me that the heat was torturing, the light was too bright and that he needs to stay inside the car for hours to monitor and assess the test-takers performances and bear the bright sunlight. He said it hurts their eyes as they need to face the bright light for hours, instead of leaving the car after a few minutes of driving like the test-takers.

It was really shocking to me that this fierce-looking officer was actually friendly (only after i started asking him first and break the ice.). He asked me why i asked, and i said i just noticed that most JPJ officers wear them and felt curious. I told him the sunglasses made them all look pretty cool, but frighteningly fierce at the same time which will only add the nervousness of the participants. He laughed and asked me if i had anymore curious questions. I told him my bf wants to become a jpj officer and was wondering how. Then he explains on the procedures, which i don't really understand.

He asked again if i had anymore questions. I said "Nah, the only questions i have left in my mind are personal ones that should not be asked."

And suddenly he replied, "Don't worry, i am married with two kids."

And i was like "What-the-hell? i didn't even ask you anything and you already straight away assuming the question and replied me personal details about you? i didn't ask you that at all -.-"

But of course, i didn't say that. I only laughed politely and smiled. (till i forgot to hit the left signal to turn left back into the JPJ test place)

Then, he told me to sign here and there, and he passed me 17/20!!!

I don't care if its just one mark above failure, the important thing is I PASSED!!!! And I don't need to do all these stupid JPJ tests and attend driving lessons anymore!!!

YEEEEHAAA!!! Finally able to drive a car without doubting on not having license!!!

Thank you God for letting me pass this time, Thank you SO SO MUCH!!!

p/s: i just can't wait to drive back home!