Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Lagu Perpisahan for SMVSB students & teachers

Guitar Chord: Am Dm G C

Bulan Januari bulan pertemuan,
Mengenal ragam timba pengalaman,
Maaf jika ada kesalahan,
Yang buruk menjadi sempadan.

Pahit, manis suka & duka,
kenangan kita bersama,
Pelajar, guru dan warden-warden,
Takkan kami lupakan.


Jangan menangisi pemergian kami,
SMVSB kan setiasa di hati

Tidak kami sangka terlalu singkat tempohnya,
Kini sudah tiba waktu tuk kami berlalu
Terima kasih atas jasa semua,
kerana t'lah menjaga kami dara bertiga.

Repeat chorus (3x)

Written & composed by: Nizt89

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Plannings for upcoming days ahead!

The torturing observations and days of hell in UNIHELL and practicum has finally reached its end. It's hard to believe that i have finally manage to reach to this level ALIVE! Hell yes i am excited to put these studying days to an end once and for all~!

What will i do next? the first two weeks will be a definite waking up late, watching movies, shopping, enjoying my total freedom like there will be no tomorrow~

The next two weeks, i'll sacrifice my time to finish the god-damn term paper like hell~ Go to UNIHELL to get it approved and leave that place for good.

The next week after that, i will try to do my resume and start applying jobs here & there.

The next few months before graduation, i see myself working part-time job or taking skill classes anywhere, or stay with a permanent job as i may have found myself a permanent job by that time heeee~ (^^)

These are only plannings. In the end, God will be the one who decides which path is better for me at the moment huhu~

Anyways, i'm glad my days of studies are finally OVER!


Sunday, 17 April 2011

Letter to Mr. Stuck-Up

To Whom-It-May-Concern,

I can't believe this is how you treat me after all those years of friendship.

Those supports & encouraging spirits i have been whispering to you, all those sweet moments we have been through together, all those laughter we share together, all those times where i have been by your side when you were lonely & needed someone to talk to...

All of them meant nothing to you now is it? And why?

Because you have been a stuck up since you've learned popularity & think i may not be good enough for you anymore?

Just because i confessed to you & wanted to know your true feelings, you deleted all those memories that we had together permanently?

Is it so hard to admit whether you love me, or like me as only your friend? Why is it so hard for you when i don't even mind if you don't have the same feelings for me like i do?

Why did you need to make the confession as such a big deal until it caused you to turn your back on me and walk away?

Why did you try so hard to avoid answering my questions on whether or not you like me?

Why are you running away from confrontation? Scared? of what? of losing me as your best friend?

Scared of commitment you need to give once you confessed you had the same feeling like i do?

Or scared of hurting me?

If your answer is any of those options above, guess what? you already hurt me, & the worse part is that you are the one who ran away, taking off the label 'best friend' from my forehead once you learned the truth from me.

Running away from answering my question.

Scared of commitment? Oh please, do you think i mind? I don't give a damn if i need to wait for any reason you would give me.

All i wanna hear from you is the answer from your heart, whether all those special treatment you have been doing to me actually meant something else deep inside your heart, or that it was only the treatment of a special friendship you appreciate very much?

If you really like me, then why did you run away? I don't mind waiting if that's what you're afraid of.

If you like me as only your good friend, then why didn't you just be honest & straight forward? I don't mind bitter truth, because i appreciate honesty very, very well. As long as you confessed the truth.

In fact, i would have been RELIEVED knowing that you don't have feelings for me, because it will solve the riddles & puzzles you have been playing with me, and that i don't need to play guessing games anymore. I hate guessing games. I hate groping in darkness, filling this head with only more & more questions. Which is why i really appreciate honesty.

Have you been lying to me? Why is it so hard f0r you to tell me the truth?

Why is it so hard for you to confront problems? Why is it that you always run away from problems ever since i've known you from the first time we met?

Please. Stop. Running. Away. And. Start. Being. Honest.

For the sake of both of us. For the sake of our friendship.

If you still care for it, tho. Which almost seems like you don't give a damn anymore, and that this old friend of yours you used to rely on means nothing to you any longer.

It's ok then. But all i wanna say, and desperately wanting you to listen to is this:

Please start being a man, Please be mature. Please stop being a coward.


Yours Sincerely,

A Terribly Disappointed Girl.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Tears within a happy smile

Soon, just a little sooner, these years of hell will end.

The hell of studying like a nutcrack everytime test or exams are around the corner

The hell of exams & test itself

The hell of assignments

The hell of presentations

The hell of boredom of being stuck in a middle of nowhere

The hell of watching all my money disappear into paying for the printouts, handouts and stuff for assignments & teaching at school without income coming in for the past 4 years

The hell of learning things i have no interest in.

The hell of listening to babbles of lecturers and other people who force us to become a teacher (as if~ huh!)

The hell of every single thing in studying, & study life.

I won't miss a single bit of it.

The same goes to my practicum. I don't hate practicum as much as i hate studying because practicum is actually an experience of working itself. The only problem is that we don't get paid during practicum & that we are continuously 'bullied' as the label 'practical teachers' are written so obviously on our foreheads ; and that is the negative part that i hate about practicum.

Aside from the terribly disrespectful students, lah.

But then when the end of practicum is coming, i realized that i am actually very fond of those students despite them making my blood boils everytime i enter the class. I realized that i actually care for them, i really do.

And that... I actually feel really, really sad when i look at their faces, knowing the fact that i will leave them one day and never turn back.

Despite them making me reaching to the wits' ends to the point where i literally lost my voice, cried, shouted like nuts, and got extremely angry that i left the class without saying a word.

*sigh* i sure am gonna miss those naughty kids.

But i do not, and will never regret my choice of leaving this field forever. I WILL NEVER TURN BACK, AND NEVER WILL I TEACH, EVER, EVER AGAIN.

Despite of all the good & bitter memories, i appreciate them, but teaching is NOT ME. I clearly state to my students that this will be the last for me to teach. I won't turn back to this field anymore.


Friday, 8 April 2011

a very surprising exam result


Both subjects for the last semester, i received A-.


and my GPA is... Amazingly... 3.67

and i never got above 3.36 before this, u know!

the last semester and the last 2 subjects, i received an A.


Thank you GOD!

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Asking Your Opinion

Is it true when we think of a particular person too much, it will somehow sends a kind of brainwave to the person to suddenly give a thought about us as well? Was it the result of the Almighty at work to give us a chance to relief our heavy missing, or was it just a plain coincidence? Was it fate, or destiny written by God, or was it just a mere occurrence that brought no meaning?

It happened to me though. And it sure does confuse me.

I happen to think a lot about this one person today, especially when I watched the kids playing football and when I listened to the karaoke songs sung by my friends earlier today. I was thinking, “How nice will it be if I am able to watch him playing football live, either for his match or just for training.” We have been friends for so long, since 2008, and I still don’t get a chance to watch him play. I feel terkilan. Extremely terkilan, if you know what it means in malay.

Me & him, we are… What you can call, best friends. He claimed that I am his only female friend that he has the closest. He doesn’t contact any other female friends and tends to avoid female friends since he is actually quite popular among them. By popular, I mean he has fans. Yes, FANS. Females are head over heels over him since before he became a state football player because he was the school’s olahragawan, and double the times now after he became a state football player. And like I said, due to his popularity, he tends to avoid the female species. He is unlike the normal guy who takes advantage of popularity. He doesn’t like women going tergedik-gedik at him. He is a traditional-type guy who prefers the term guy approaching women, and not ‘perigi cari timba’. Another reason why he tends to avoid the female species is that his last girlfriend died of cancer and he still loves her. So he became loyal in a way, by not flirting around with girls as he wishes.

How did we become best friends with his reserved personality against women? Well, God has written that we were destined for each other hahahahaha~! Just kidding, I meant god has destined that somehow his heart was opened to find a female friend. Just a single female friend and it happened to be me. How? Well, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. And suddenly this ex-boyfriend’s friend took my number and gave it to the soon-to-be-state-football-player-who-was-currently-unemployed. I still don’t know why he chose to give my number to him out of all the girls this ex-boyfriend’s friend has in his list (since he actually has like dozens of pretty female friends, I’ve seen his myspace profile), or that why he chose ME, the ex-girlfriend of his own friend? I mean, we did meet of course once, ONCE. But we didn’t really talk. He was more of being present only to accompany my ex-boyfriend to meet my parents. But he doesn’t really know me or familiar of me. So how come he took my number from my ex-boyfriend just to give it to his other friend so that this other friend of his can finally have a female friend? Why me? The question remains, because that ex-boyfriend’s friend is currently at service with the air force and cannot be contacted easily. I will ask him one day, if he still hasn’t change his number.

Ok, so back to the story. The ex-boyfriend’s friend gave my number to this guy. And then we became friends ever since. And since he doesn’t have & tend to avoid females, I became the only female friend he has until today. Although his popularity has now doubled and that he seems to enjoy the new attention, but his female friend still remains one and only one, which is me. (oh~ so proud ahahaha!)

Feelings? Well, since we first became friends, I have already felt attracted towards him. But he remains reserved. He held back his feelings and always in a controlled manner especially now that he has become very popular. As for me? Hmm… I don’t understand myself, whether I am actually falling for him, or just liking him as a crush. Recently i told him that I felt abandoned since he became busy with his new job. I told him, he started treating me as if I am a mere fan of his than a best friend. He often answered my questions carefully, as if giving answers to journalists. It hurt me, and I told him because of that I felt abandoned. He apologized and promised to change, “Anything for you, as long as I don’t hurt you anymore. I won’t want to hurt anyone’s’ feelings, especially you.” Yes, that is the real sentence he told me. No, texted actually LOL. And you know what? He did change. Seriously, he meant his promise. He CHANGED.

He started texting me often and asked how I am doing. He even accompanied me like 24/7 when he has free time during the weekends. He never abandoned me anymore and we became closer than we used to. He even told me occurrences regarding his fans and the minor problems he faces. Major problems, so far still none. He never tells me his problems; with an excuse that he doesn’t want to burden me with his problems when I still have mine unsettled. The most amazing part is that since we became closer, he became a bit manja-like. You know, the flirty type of manja as in kissing in texts (eg: muahxx), jokingly telling me to go for a date with him, jokingly saying to come to kedah to his village and meet his family, and saying that he misses me so much when we finally get to contact during weekends after almost a week of silence. He NEVER does this to girls except me. And before this he didn’t treat me this way, you know? He started being so manja with me after I told him that I am attracted to him, I like him, I envy him when he tells me of his fans, and that I felt abandoned. He promised to changed, then he started to contact me more often, and that is when he began to show this random fondness.

I don’t want to misinterpret these signs because I fear of being disappointed. He never told me officially that he likes me too nor loves me. He doesn’t sound jealous when I told him of my male friends, and he often asks if I already have anyone in my life, sounding like a girl friend asking her besties if she has a new boyfriend to tell the story of him; as in, the excitement of a best friend wanting to hear stories from her best friend. *sigh*

If he does like me as much as I like him (or perhaps love, since I’ve recently thought about him so much as if I am falling in love with him), let him confess to me himself because he would prefer that way. If he doesn’t confess, so let it be. We will always remain best friends. And I will always remain loving him in silence. I will wait. I won’t put on much hope but I am always ready in case if he does have the same feelings towards me like I do.

And this lead to the thing that I wanted to tell actually. I’ve told you that today, I’ve thought about him so much, especially when I watched the students playing football and listening to the karaoke songs which can relate to him, to us. I’ve thought about him so, so, so much that I felt I missed him terribly, how I longed to meet him and watch him play, the falling-in-love-type-of-missing, or in malay we call it angau. I don’t know why my feelings turned this way, nor do I know if this feeling is love or plain crush.

And as I was lying down on the bed, thinking of him, I received a phone call from an unknown number. I answered the call to find a familiar male voice at the end of the line. He was asking if this is me and if I know who he is. I was scared to guess because I am scared if I guessed the wrong person, although I know in my gut that the voice belongs to the football player, my best friend. But I took the risk and guessed him anyway. He laughed happily and confirmed it was him. I asked him, whose number was he using and why not calling using his cell phone instead? He said he just ended his training and he felt like calling me, so he called using the public phone.

PUBLIC PHONE. A state football player who has like A LOT of FANS out there, was willing to use the PUBLIC PHONE to call ME, just because he FELT like it. And it happened when I was thinking so much about him today. You might think it is usual for it to happen. But listen, I have explained to you that this guy has hundreds of girl fans who are way better than me in every way. This guy is POPULAR within the whole country. And this guy, he doesn’t like using cell phones because he often receives random calls and texts from fans and other friends. He doesn’t like his privacy being disturbed especially by his fans, which is why he will turn his cell phone off in a week and turn it back on only during the weekends, just so that he could contact me. He could have called his parents, or his male friends. But he was willing to use the PUBLIC PHONE just to call me because he felt like it.

If you were in my place, how would you think of this situation? Is it a mere coincidence or fate/destiny that God is trying to show? Is he actually falling for me too? Or that he was only calling because he thought of calling me coinsidencely?

Oh, another addition here. He actually MEMORIZES my number, which makes it easier for him to call me anytime he wants. He said, “It’s easier like that, so in case if I lost my phone or something like that, we won’t lose contact.” It shows that he was willing to memorize my number so we won’t ever lose contact. I am THAT important to him, to THAT level. I felt so deeply touched. Although I felt attracted to him so deeply and perhaps love, I myself did not remember even his birth date, let alone his cell phone number.

And so there is this question again. If you were in my place, how would you conclude this situation I am experiencing? Is he falling for me too? Or… Well I’ve told you on how he felt excited to want to know of my new boyfriend if I have any. So it shows that he assumes me as only a best friend. But then, the SIGNS? *sigh* I don’t know. I really don’t know what to think, and I don’t want to hope.

Here’s a poem I wrote about him today, the moment I’ve thought about him deeply. I’ve wrote on what I’ve thought. Depends on you and your understanding to interpret it.

Usah dikenang orang yang jauh,

Biarkan memori lesap menyepi,

Padamkan harapan yang bersuluh dihati,

Tiada berjodoh baik menyendiri.

Layanan mesra serta istimewa darinya,

Adakah ia lakonan semata?

Pagar berduri yang merentasi antara

Aku dan hatinya,

Berdiri terlalu kukuh walau telah

Pelbagai usaha untuk ku tembusi,

Hanya diakhiri dengan keluhan kecewa,

Usaha yang sia-sia.

Lantas ia terus berdiri,

Memisahkan aku dari hatinya.

Usaha lalu telah berjaya menghampirkan,

Namun tidak cukup lagi setapak

Untuk bertahta dihatinya,

Dan terus berdampingan.

Biar dirombak angin, disimbahi hujan,

Aku tetap terus bertahan,

Setia menunggu dihadapan pagar berduri,

Andai si dia sudi mengizinkan aku

Ke kamar hati itu,

Suatu hari nanti.

Tangisan air mata dikeringkan,

Harapan menyala dipadamkan,

Cinta dihati dipendamkan,

Kasih sahabat berterusan…

Friday, 1 April 2011

Disrespectful students

I cried...

I cried due to extreme frustration of how rude & disrespect the students were when i was teaching in class.

They came to apologize, but the ones who came were only those who did not make any mistakes.

I gave them the 'talk to the hand' expression and went inside the Bilik Guru.

And i cried again..

Huhu.. I hate being a teacher...