Is it true when we think of a particular person too much, it will somehow sends a kind of brainwave to the person to suddenly give a thought about us as well? Was it the result of the Almighty at work to give us a chance to relief our heavy missing, or was it just a plain coincidence? Was it fate, or destiny written by God, or was it just a mere occurrence that brought no meaning?
It happened to me though. And it sure does confuse me.
I happen to think a lot about this one person today, especially when I watched the kids playing football and when I listened to the karaoke songs sung by my friends earlier today. I was thinking, “How nice will it be if I am able to watch him playing football live, either for his match or just for training.” We have been friends for so long, since 2008, and I still don’t get a chance to watch him play. I feel terkilan. Extremely terkilan, if you know what it means in malay.
Me & him, we are… What you can call, best friends. He claimed that I am his only female friend that he has the closest. He doesn’t contact any other female friends and tends to avoid female friends since he is actually quite popular among them. By popular, I mean he has fans. Yes, FANS. Females are head over heels over him since before he became a state football player because he was the school’s olahragawan, and double the times now after he became a state football player. And like I said, due to his popularity, he tends to avoid the female species. He is unlike the normal guy who takes advantage of popularity. He doesn’t like women going tergedik-gedik at him. He is a traditional-type guy who prefers the term guy approaching women, and not ‘perigi cari timba’. Another reason why he tends to avoid the female species is that his last girlfriend died of cancer and he still loves her. So he became loyal in a way, by not flirting around with girls as he wishes.
How did we become best friends with his reserved personality against women? Well, God has written that we were destined for each other hahahahaha~! Just kidding, I meant god has destined that somehow his heart was opened to find a female friend. Just a single female friend and it happened to be me. How? Well, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. And suddenly this ex-boyfriend’s friend took my number and gave it to the soon-to-be-state-football-player-who-was-currently-unemployed. I still don’t know why he chose to give my number to him out of all the girls this ex-boyfriend’s friend has in his list (since he actually has like dozens of pretty female friends, I’ve seen his myspace profile), or that why he chose ME, the ex-girlfriend of his own friend? I mean, we did meet of course once, ONCE. But we didn’t really talk. He was more of being present only to accompany my ex-boyfriend to meet my parents. But he doesn’t really know me or familiar of me. So how come he took my number from my ex-boyfriend just to give it to his other friend so that this other friend of his can finally have a female friend? Why me? The question remains, because that ex-boyfriend’s friend is currently at service with the air force and cannot be contacted easily. I will ask him one day, if he still hasn’t change his number.
Ok, so back to the story. The ex-boyfriend’s friend gave my number to this guy. And then we became friends ever since. And since he doesn’t have & tend to avoid females, I became the only female friend he has until today. Although his popularity has now doubled and that he seems to enjoy the new attention, but his female friend still remains one and only one, which is me. (oh~ so proud ahahaha!)
Feelings? Well, since we first became friends, I have already felt attracted towards him. But he remains reserved. He held back his feelings and always in a controlled manner especially now that he has become very popular. As for me? Hmm… I don’t understand myself, whether I am actually falling for him, or just liking him as a crush. Recently i told him that I felt abandoned since he became busy with his new job. I told him, he started treating me as if I am a mere fan of his than a best friend. He often answered my questions carefully, as if giving answers to journalists. It hurt me, and I told him because of that I felt abandoned. He apologized and promised to change, “Anything for you, as long as I don’t hurt you anymore. I won’t want to hurt anyone’s’ feelings, especially you.” Yes, that is the real sentence he told me. No, texted actually LOL. And you know what? He did change. Seriously, he meant his promise. He CHANGED.
He started texting me often and asked how I am doing. He even accompanied me like 24/7 when he has free time during the weekends. He never abandoned me anymore and we became closer than we used to. He even told me occurrences regarding his fans and the minor problems he faces. Major problems, so far still none. He never tells me his problems; with an excuse that he doesn’t want to burden me with his problems when I still have mine unsettled. The most amazing part is that since we became closer, he became a bit manja-like. You know, the flirty type of manja as in kissing in texts (eg: muahxx), jokingly telling me to go for a date with him, jokingly saying to come to kedah to his village and meet his family, and saying that he misses me so much when we finally get to contact during weekends after almost a week of silence. He NEVER does this to girls except me. And before this he didn’t treat me this way, you know? He started being so manja with me after I told him that I am attracted to him, I like him, I envy him when he tells me of his fans, and that I felt abandoned. He promised to changed, then he started to contact me more often, and that is when he began to show this random fondness.
I don’t want to misinterpret these signs because I fear of being disappointed. He never told me officially that he likes me too nor loves me. He doesn’t sound jealous when I told him of my male friends, and he often asks if I already have anyone in my life, sounding like a girl friend asking her besties if she has a new boyfriend to tell the story of him; as in, the excitement of a best friend wanting to hear stories from her best friend. *sigh*
If he does like me as much as I like him (or perhaps love, since I’ve recently thought about him so much as if I am falling in love with him), let him confess to me himself because he would prefer that way. If he doesn’t confess, so let it be. We will always remain best friends. And I will always remain loving him in silence. I will wait. I won’t put on much hope but I am always ready in case if he does have the same feelings towards me like I do.
And this lead to the thing that I wanted to tell actually. I’ve told you that today, I’ve thought about him so much, especially when I watched the students playing football and listening to the karaoke songs which can relate to him, to us. I’ve thought about him so, so, so much that I felt I missed him terribly, how I longed to meet him and watch him play, the falling-in-love-type-of-missing, or in malay we call it angau. I don’t know why my feelings turned this way, nor do I know if this feeling is love or plain crush.
And as I was lying down on the bed, thinking of him, I received a phone call from an unknown number. I answered the call to find a familiar male voice at the end of the line. He was asking if this is me and if I know who he is. I was scared to guess because I am scared if I guessed the wrong person, although I know in my gut that the voice belongs to the football player, my best friend. But I took the risk and guessed him anyway. He laughed happily and confirmed it was him. I asked him, whose number was he using and why not calling using his cell phone instead? He said he just ended his training and he felt like calling me, so he called using the public phone.
PUBLIC PHONE. A state football player who has like A LOT of FANS out there, was willing to use the PUBLIC PHONE to call ME, just because he FELT like it. And it happened when I was thinking so much about him today. You might think it is usual for it to happen. But listen, I have explained to you that this guy has hundreds of girl fans who are way better than me in every way. This guy is POPULAR within the whole country. And this guy, he doesn’t like using cell phones because he often receives random calls and texts from fans and other friends. He doesn’t like his privacy being disturbed especially by his fans, which is why he will turn his cell phone off in a week and turn it back on only during the weekends, just so that he could contact me. He could have called his parents, or his male friends. But he was willing to use the PUBLIC PHONE just to call me because he felt like it.
If you were in my place, how would you think of this situation? Is it a mere coincidence or fate/destiny that God is trying to show? Is he actually falling for me too? Or that he was only calling because he thought of calling me coinsidencely?
Oh, another addition here. He actually MEMORIZES my number, which makes it easier for him to call me anytime he wants. He said, “It’s easier like that, so in case if I lost my phone or something like that, we won’t lose contact.” It shows that he was willing to memorize my number so we won’t ever lose contact. I am THAT important to him, to THAT level. I felt so deeply touched. Although I felt attracted to him so deeply and perhaps love, I myself did not remember even his birth date, let alone his cell phone number.
And so there is this question again. If you were in my place, how would you conclude this situation I am experiencing? Is he falling for me too? Or… Well I’ve told you on how he felt excited to want to know of my new boyfriend if I have any. So it shows that he assumes me as only a best friend. But then, the SIGNS? *sigh* I don’t know. I really don’t know what to think, and I don’t want to hope.
Here’s a poem I wrote about him today, the moment I’ve thought about him deeply. I’ve wrote on what I’ve thought. Depends on you and your understanding to interpret it.
Usah dikenang orang yang jauh,
Biarkan memori lesap menyepi,
Padamkan harapan yang bersuluh dihati,
Tiada berjodoh baik menyendiri.
Layanan mesra serta istimewa darinya,
Adakah ia lakonan semata?
Pagar berduri yang merentasi antara
Aku dan hatinya,
Berdiri terlalu kukuh walau telah
Pelbagai usaha untuk ku tembusi,
Hanya diakhiri dengan keluhan kecewa,
Usaha yang sia-sia.
Lantas ia terus berdiri,
Memisahkan aku dari hatinya.
Usaha lalu telah berjaya menghampirkan,
Namun tidak cukup lagi setapak
Untuk bertahta dihatinya,
Dan terus berdampingan.
Biar dirombak angin, disimbahi hujan,
Aku tetap terus bertahan,
Setia menunggu dihadapan pagar berduri,
Andai si dia sudi mengizinkan aku
Ke kamar hati itu,
Suatu hari nanti.
Tangisan air mata dikeringkan,
Harapan menyala dipadamkan,
Cinta dihati dipendamkan,
Kasih sahabat berterusan…
