Good News & Bad News

first entry:

I can't believe i have finally ended my 4 year course in UNIHELL. It is still fresh in my mind about the first time, the very first time i attended the class and meet with my fellow classmates 4 years ago. It's hard to believe that i have stick together with the same friends for 4 years. Even my life during school can't ever beat the life i had in UNIHELL. I am speechless in describing how thankful i am feeling to have been in the B class, with my current classmates, the coolest classmates ever! (although i am never happy and satisfied with my progress in UNIHELL academically.)

I still remember my thoughts during the earlier periods in this damned place. I was thinking "it feels forever staying in this middle of nowhere! when will i ever get out of this place???"

But now, eventhough it has been 4 years, it still feels like the time isn't yet enough. Still feels too short of a time to leave this place. I'm gonna miss all my fellow friends and classmates. Never had such cool and sporting classmates and friends all my life. I'm not embarrassed to admit that i enjoy my life and times in university than school years tho it was torturing as hell (academically speaking).

But then, despite of feeling melancholy regarding my very final meeting with classmates before we took off to take different paths, i am feeling excited and anxious at the same time. Excited to face the next phase in life; the life of a career, bachelor and marriage woman.

I have waited for 15 years to end this academic misery and i have enough with sitting for exam papers and worrying of grades. It is time to move on to the next phase where i can work and receive paychecks to spend on for fun, responsibility, and survival; an entirely different life. The life of a true adult.

And i can't wait to enter THAT kind of life!

second entry:

Trully disappointed with a particular person in my life.

Broke my heart and soul to dusts when he admitted he's not gonna marry me.

I've told him about NOT WANTING to love anyone who cannot afford to marry me, and NOT WANTING to love anyone who only wants to couple for the sake of fun. I warned him these even before i met him and accepted him as part of me.

And he answered he's looking for the exact same thing.

I told him i was tired of falling in love and out of love with people who aren't really serious and aren't looking forward for marriage. I only wanted to love and will only accept the one who ARE LOOKING FORWARD for marriage.

Odd enough, he agreed with me and wanted the same thing; which made me accepted him in my life as i thought he will be the one who trully loves me and will be my husband one day.

And then recently, i mentioned about marriage. Early marriage.

And somehow it 'freaked' him out and made him has cold feet.

And all those dearly lovey-dovey words he promised and mentioned before we coupled just disappeared. He freaked out when i mentioned to him of marrying me and wanted to break our relationship apart if marriage is what i want; Destroying every single piece of hopes and dreams i have imagined with him in it.

Instead of telling me he will work it out for the sake of being together with me, he threw harsh and hurtful words to me, jeering me to leave him and find someone else if i am expecting him to marry me. He made all those dreams he had me hoped sinks deep into the ocean of sorrow.

It made me cried when he admitted he will not marry me and will not even try to throw efforts to marry me after telling me how much he loves me all these while we have been together.

Speaking about crying, i have lost count of how many times i cried since yesterday regarding this problem. He made me cried so bad, broke my heart and he did not seemed to care at all. I even cried in the train, because i was waiting for his text messages to persuade me, but all i get was text messages saying that he wants to break up with me if i want to marry him, and asked me if i had told my mom about it.

Made me cried again when his voice at the end of line seems so cold and harsh, forcing me to get lost if i can't afford to wait for him for another 7 years.

He claims that he loves me, but refuses to marry me and was willing to 'pass' me to some other guy as if i am worthless to him.

He said he was looking for a wife and not a girlfriend before we coupled, and i have even warned him of the same thing. And now he is the one breaking his words.

This is why i hate guys, hate to love, hate to be loyal.

This was why i even became a playgirl before i met him.

I am not someone who easily gives my heart to someone. I am not someone who will love and give my all to him so easily. My heart is cold and hard. I only let very few people to receive my love all out. I am only loyal to very few people in my life, and those few people were chosen because they managed to melt my solid-rock heart into sand.

He was one of them.

And just like every other guys i have been with, he chose to leave me.

Just the same like the other few people i let inside my heart.

Can't recall how much i cried today because of him. Can't recall how much damage he has costs to my feelings and heart. He has destroyed not just my dreams but my trust to all men as well.

I am not someone who loves people so easily, and once i gave my trust to him, one among the very few people, he betrayed it.

He betrayed it. He betrayed it. He betrayed it.

He betrayed it.

I have none to say. I will not decide on my ending. He will.

Love equals with effort and ends with marriage, not addition of 7 years of wait.

He wanted me to wait for 7 years just because either he has no confidence in himself, or that he actually feels lazy to work for his future in the near future.

He wanted me to wait until i become old, useless, and worthless, only then he will marry me.

That was what HE SAID.

And who knows, if he suddenly choose not to marry at all after i have waited for 7 years for his sake, with an excuse that he's NOT YET READY, and this time, wanted to wait untill he is 40.

Just like what he said to me this evening. He was the one who agreed on wanting to couple with me for the sake of marriage and not just for the sake of love. But when the marriage question comes, he choose not to marry me, with an excuse that he's NOT YET READY, and wanted me to wait until he is 30.

Ya Allah... Please show and guide me to my true future husband... I have enough shedding useless tears for broken hearts and stupid break ups. Please dear God, just lead me to my future husband and no more 'pit-stops' with different guys that will not marry me.

If i have none, then let me stay single, lonely and worthless for the rest of my life.

p/s: Crying while typing this and still crying when reading this. and ignore my writings. Let it be reminded that this blog is the particular blog where i write and tell how i currently felt to the world, for the whole world to know and understand me. (and the proof of my existence and what happened in my life in this world when i die soon.)