Stop reading my blog if you can't swallow what i wrote.

I don't know what else to say here.

I don't know whether to write public stuff or personal stuff of mine in this blog. I don't know anymore. Either way isn't the best of idea as there seems to be people reading this blog.

And by people, i mean people who judges me negatively everytime i write my personal feelings down here. I need to be more vigilant with how i write and what i write.

which to me is very excruciating and painstaking.

Because of those people, now i have to put a plastic, hypocritical face everytime i write. I have to write on what PLEASES them instead of what PLEASES me.

Because of those goddamn people, i have lost my freedom of speech and feel like i'm tied up behind iron bars, suffocating to my death.

Don't make me switch to indifferent mode.

Please don't make me care less of everything including myself.

Please stop judging me negatively.

Please STOP READING THIS BLOG IF YOU DON'T SEEM TO LIKE OR AGREE ON WHAT I WROTE. This is MY blog, where i pour in my PERSONAL feelings and opinions regarding chapters of events happened in my life, MY LIFE, not YOURS.

So if you can't respect that then please stop reading.

If you can. then just read and shut up. I don't need to listen to negative comments when my mind is already too messed up. (but positive comments or curiosity is ok.)

I just want my freedom of speech back again. GIVE IT BACK TO ME!

p/s: These entries on whether i curse and saying bad things are only temporary. I write to satisfy myself and to relief my anger and pain. I don't feel the same anymore like how i felt when i was writing a few hours after i wrote it. So don't JUDGE me negatively. My blog is where i put out my TEMPORARY anger and personal dissatisfaction regarding things i hate in my life, things that i wish i could change.

Die... Laughing?

I don't understand why my asthma attack is happening too frequently lately.

It's irritating, disturbing, and worrying.

I even dreamed of having an asthma attack due to excessive laughter and was only able to breathe like 10% of air to my lungs.

And it DID happen to me in reality. My asthma attack comes more frequent when i laughed too much than when i'm cold. It never happened before, my asthma problem RARELY gives problem to me in the past, even when i laughed like hell.

But now it does.

How if my cause of death is.... due to laughter?

OMG~ O.O

Two in one. To him who it may concerned, please kindly read this message because i have no credit to reply you.

To the person who have recently found my personal blog and might still be reading it:

I am sorry for those that i have written and i am sorry that i refuse to answer ur calls. It's because that i am already deeply wounded by your hurtful n painful words the other night and yes i know i deserve it and i am sorry. But to actually listen to your actual voice throwing those hurtful words to me is too unbearable. I rather not answer ur calls if all u wanna do is hurting me more until ur credit runs out.

Again, i'm sorry for those i have written but altho what i wrote was the truth, it changed nothing of my love towards you... Those 10 reasons changed nothing. The only thing that changed how i respect n love u is to finally know and see your true colour when you are angry.

You acted too childish and immature and you cursed and shouted at me instead of discussing things with me like a mature adult although i was wrong. (at least when i'm angry i never scold u harshly like u did and only shouted n cursed in my blog where you should never have found it in the first place instead of shouting n cursing in your face.)

I admit that i was wrong for comparing you with my ex, and judging like that. But those are the truth on how i felt specifically only at THAT time and NOT in the present. If you chose to hate me and leave me, i will respect your decision and follow how u want it. (because even after i tried so hard already to persuade you and apologized, u still hate me and attack me with those harsh n hurtful words.)

I am deeply sorry for those words and stuff i wrote about my feelings to u when i'm down. You can trust me that it will never happen again in the future.

Believe me, i still care although you don't. if you need anything or if u need me, do not hesitate to text or call me. You know how to reach me.

Blog entry for today:

Tomorrow is the most historical day for me.

The starting of the final semester, the final days of mine to spent with my friends and classmates.

It is a starting day of memories...

a start for a fresh beginning.

Emo~ Emo~ Emo~

After meeting him, i felt.... down.

Down AND emo.

Due to certain reasons...

1) The fact that he tried to 'show me off' to his ex whom he asked for a break up with previously

2) The fact that he seems... Too soft.

3) The fact that he just couldn't click with my sisters

4) The fact that he didnt bought me anything when we met -.-

5) The fact that i feel like he could just leave me anytime he wants after i heard the story about what happened between him and his previous ex-girls.

6) The fact that he lied to people about our true relation

7) The fact that he wasn't being such of a gentleman like my ex was.

8) The fact that he didnt tell any of his family members about me but i did

9) The fact that he seems.... like he has no future

10) The fact that he seems... Not willing to throw effort in stuff for his future.

There's a lot actually... a LOT. I can list them and it'll continue till tomorrow. But basically, these are the top 10 stuff that bothers me right now about him...

That made me feel so freaking down n emo.

i feel like killing myself.

relationships can go to hell. i'm better off single.

why does every relationship ive had, ended up with me suffering the entire way?

why does every relationship that i'd gave most my heart to ending up with me crying for being left n hurt by the other person?

n why do i get the blame everytime i tried to heal these pains by being the bad guy or being cold hearted towards guys?

why can't any of you understand?

Go FFFFF kill yourself, bastard!

That's just GREAT.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Another heart break. Another F*****G HEARTBREAK.

After giving me hopes and thinking he's the FFFFFF one, he blew them on my face by admitting that he DOESN'T INTEND TO FFFFF MARRY ME.

Why, you might ask? a brilliant question. You wanna know why???

Because i have a DEGREE and he DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH BUDGET TO MARRY A GIRL WITH A FFFFFFF DEGREE. Great excuse isn't it? great huh? the most BRILLIANT & EXELLENT EXCUSE EVER!

Then whats the point of loving me n being a couple with me????

Thanks for making me feel like a FFFF IDIOT. Thanks for giving me that hope and take it back and break them in front of eyes just to make sure it HURTS DEEP ENOUGH TO LEAVE A SCAR.

Thanks for being a DOUCHE-BAG. I'll make sure i get my FFFFF revenge u FFFFF bastard.

YOU-JUST-WAIT! i'll taunt your name and make sure you'll regret breaking up if me EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!

p/s: not all guys are ffff jerks, but MOST OF YOU GUYS ARE. That's it, i'm forever SINGLE FROM NOW ON!!!

waking up.

i still don't know if things will work out.

i hope it does. and i hope future will change for him too, and i mean changing through positive ways.

i desperately hope so.

the future for both of us seems clear but vague, seems possible but vain.

trying hard to change myself and accepting him in my life, trying to make a difference this time around. no more disloyalty, no more lies, no more fake identities.

I used to be some sort of a 'playgirl'. not anymore.

I used to have fake identities and lie to people... not anymore.

I want to stay loyal this time, since he loves me so much and accept me for who i am, what i am, and even how i am. He loves me for everything i am despite my negative sides.

thanks to abg fad, now ive decided to free myself from the virtual walls that has been caging me from truth.

thanks to my baby, now ive decided to stay loyal loving him and be with him for as long as i can. so far it is still hard for me to.. well.. u know... but i can, and i want to.

Future is surpising indeed.

p/s: i still can't refresh myself from the dizziness and high feeling of medication drugs i took after a long day.. SIGH!