Saturday, 31 July 2010

It has been a long time since i've really loved a man, and really were in love.

It was a heartache experience being in love. I am not worthy, i am never worthy to any men and they just don't give a damn to someone like me either.

The only experience i get for falling in love is to get hurt.

I don't give a damn about men, about relationships, about marriage anymore.

I am no longer interested.

My heart has been sealed completely

NOT INTERESTED, THANK YOU.

I don't care about guys anymore.

I don't care about getting hooked or getting married.

So what if i will end up being an old maid? rather than having to serve myself like a slave to men, i rather spend my time and money only to myself.

Being single is so much worth it.

Before this i was so desperate in finding boyfriends and a spouse because i desperately want to get married before 25. but now i just don't care any longer.

To me now male species exist just because they do, and they r just a part of life and living things that god created, just like He create animals and 'jin'.

I don't givadamn 0n why they exist. Exist to lead, yes. But exist to mate the females and get more humans to be born in this world? HAH!

You fellow males can get any other females you want to mate with, but NOT ME.

My heart is already closed for all male species. If you want me, you should have tried hook up with me like a few years ago. Too late to hook up with me now.

I am SINGLE and NOT AVAILABLE. Find somebody else's female heart that you can break. I am not interested in being in relationships anymore.

Heck, I AM NO MORE INTERESTED IN MEN THEMSELVES.

So gerrofff and leave me alone.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Feeling suffocating, not because of assignments.

Suffocating because of financial problem, of the stupid PTPTN money that still has not yet been banked into my account.

and i have a freaking debt to pay ASAP.

wanting to ask from him to lend me to pay but i think its just too much to ask.


Sunday, 18 July 2010

stop it nizt!

i am sick. terribly sick, very sick.

i mean mental, mentally ill.

i need to stop myself. i need to stop this now and focus

i feel like being pushed to the edge and am about to lose focus on everything.

i need to get back in line.

Monday, 12 July 2010

Questionare~

1. Apakah nama blog anda dan kenapa anda memilih nama itu?
Random Craps. Because i talk about random craps in here that i feel like spitting out for the whole world to know. the name itself is pretty obvious so i don't think i need to explain.

2. Apakah link blog anda sekarang dan bagaimana boleh timbul idea untuk menamakannya seperti itu?
www.control-iz-me.blogspot.com. because i love being in control and i like to have things all controlled and goes as planned. haha nah im not a control freak. i mean controlling as in controlling things that i planned. the word 'iz' in the middle stands for 'is' in a fancy way, at the same time it spelled my initial name, 'iz' from 'izzati'.

3. Apakah method penulisan dalam blog anda?
unlike my sisters who often tells the facts of life in their blogs, mine is much more personal. more like a public diary. thats my method of writing in my blog.

4. Pernah terasa nak hapuskan blog anda? Sebabnya?
HAHA! are you trying to be funny? =.="

5. Pernah tak ahli keluarga anda membaca blog anda dan apa kata mereka?
YES THEY DO. and i don't think i mind. it IS public and for anyone to read.

6. Apakah perasaan anda apabila orang lain mengatakan bahawa anda punya blog ini buruk sedangkan masih ada yang mengatakan blog anda cantik?
>:( bring my knife and pitch forks!!! IMA KILL THEM!!! >XDDD

7. Bilakah anda mula mempunyai blog?
2 years back i think. or last year. around october maybe? september?

8. Siapakah orang pertama yang mengetahui anda mempunyai blog?
Hafiz che' blah blah blah. hahaha i don't really remember his full name anymore. aside from my sisters of course

9. Apa perasaan anda apabila orang mengatakan tentang blog anda di sekolah/universiti/tempat kerja?
OMG!!! (O.O)

10. 10 orang untuk di-tag
yana, aisyah, syidah, wawa.. hurm who else? hehehe~

Too messed up.

Haven't update this freaking blog.

Things are a bit messed up right now.

i need to get my thoughts, my schedule and my life re-arranged first.

and then i'll tell you what happen.

Sunday, 4 July 2010

BLOCKED.

i wanted to write. i wanted to write so bad! i want to fill in those blank microsoft word pages and fill em to dozens numbers of pages.

i wanted to finish this story i have been trying to work on. but it always ends with a block in my head. i forgot what you call that. creativity block? writer's block? i dunno... but to put it in an easy way,

i just don't know what to write anymore. i don't have that passion of writing anymore. i've lost the words to tell them out to people. i have the raw materials in my head and it's all in there. but i fail to find the perfect tools to get these materials and ideas out of my head to be translated into words that people can understand, that people finds fascinating to read.

I want to write so bad that i need time-out in order to get them translated and arranged well.

The time of which i don't have.

The time of which is forever in dreams.

I need to speak to the 'devil', i need to listen to what the devil, the prince the avenger and the members of the companion is trying to say to me.

I need to know what is going on there in Darkness!

People, speak to me and help me write your history properly so i can get it right and look cool!

Friday, 25 June 2010

I need to let you go one day.

i have to be less active in that world, and have to start waking up and handle my own world.

i know i can't run away from reality and my own life forever.

one day i need to face it too. It is only a matter of time.

therefore i made up my mind. things just HAVE to change.

it doesnt matter if it takes a slow pace, i just need to do something with my life to make it feel much more fun and worth living than pretending to be someone i am trully not.

one day i have to let 'them' go.

i need a proper goal i can work with and start becoming a freaking machine to achieve it.

I CAN! I KNOW I CAN!

p/s: yeah i can do it the whole time, i just chose not to,

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Please ignore this post -.-

got a lot of things in my mind.

a lot of things i need to do and settle before i make any decisions.

i need time of which i never had.

i need the light of which will never come.

i need moral support and self-esteem of which has been so hard to earn.

so far i just don't givadamn much about living the life because there is no particular goal that motivates me through it. i don't know what i want, or even if i do, i don't know if i could ever achieve them. Or how to.

I feel empty with a big, big hole inside of me that needs filling. i have too many flaws that shows and i don't givadamn on covering them because i know eventually the flaws will still show.

Which then leads of not giving a damn about living the life.

I have only short term goals. no long terms because i am afraid that it is too hard too achieve and that i will never achieve that far because i can't. i have to start from the bottom to earn that much for a long term goal and i know eventually i will give up half way even if i tried.

and ending up back in square one.

i believe in the saying 'practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect so why practice?'

because it is true. we aren't perfect so why do we need to work so hard on creating that perfection while we know in our hearts that it will eventually fade which soon shows the imperfection behind the perfection we tried so hard to create?

why do we even need to try so hard when we know that eventually we'll just fall back again and ending up in square one? won't that be frustrating? i don't wanna experience the frustation on working so hard that will soon earn us nothing so i rather just don't givadamn and live life by going with the flow.

that applies on mostly everything in my life; studies, my body, my health, my future, my religion, my social life, everything i think.

its not that i don't try at all. i DO try. its just that i don't givadamn on pushing them too hard to achieve the result that i know will never ever ever ever come. i just live life inside the comfort zone where i don't need to push too hard or too little to live a perfect life.

i think i'm perfect for being the symbol of imperfection and damnation in life -.-

p/s: i'm just talking crap here. ignore me.

Friday, 28 May 2010

Start living!

Things are starting to get really2 boring here.

I need to do something. I need a goal.

I need motivation.

I need to live my life and start LIVING it.

I need a guy friend. (T_T)

I really want a guy friend huhu~

Friday, 21 May 2010

He made me realise something...

I sat in front of my laptop and started browsing for this popular teenage icon or idol or whatever u called it. A Filipino idol. Just browsing him for fun.

I searched for him in facebooks and you-tubes. I watched his videos and browsed through his never-ending pictures. And as i was busy admiring this guy, a thought came into my mind.

I thought, this guy. He's really, really good at dancing. so does his group of friends. This popular guy who were just a background dancer for this one popular male artist turns out to be so famous that it made him into something else; a complete artist himself.

Thats not what i had in mind tho. What i really was thinking at the time what this:

This particular guy. He's so good at dancing. Really good. And i bet its the only thing he's really good at, at least good at the most. Thats why he manage to move forward and climb one step at a time into the peak of something, and ending up starting a real career with his talented skill.

This guy, he started out as a kid. a normal kid, a normal teenager who goes to school and doing stuff like other teenager does. Except that he's good at dancing and that has always been his talent, his passion. And he's good at using it and channeling his skill into the right way too. He channels his talent, his hobby, his skill, this thing he's really good at, he use it to win a lot of school competitions.

And until one day, he used his skill, talent, this thing he's good at, to compete in this audition and he was chosen by the company among with a few other guys who has the talent that he has. He was chosen out of other thousands of guys by this popular company to sign a contract to work as a background dancer for this particular male artist.

And sure enough by watching his video performances, anyone can tell that this guy is really good at dancing and he loved his new job. He started to work as one of the background dancer for this artist and get to know the other chosen guys and work with them as a group. they even named themselves, making themselves as an unofficial group which somehow later became very popular. They perform in front of thousands of fans of the artists and go wherever the artist needs to go.

Soon, the background dancers themselves became popular as an individual, n they also started owning their own fans despite only being the background dancer.

What was more impressing was that not only they became popular, but thousands of fans cheered for THEM when they made an entrance too! They seemed to be as if artists themselves. And because if this, other TV company started noticing them and used them and their popularity to make money; TV companies started hiring these background dancers to work in TV advertisements, TV shows and even acting in dramas!

And then i thought, this kid. He started as a normal kid who just loves dancing and is very good at it; which soon made him famous and climbing up the peak, carving his name among the other popular artists, starting as a mere background dancer who everyone never gives a damn before. No one knew his name even when he started working as a background dancer for the male artist.

But thanks to him and his friends who knew how to find publicity thru Facebooks, Myspaces, Friendsters, you-tubes and a lot of other internet sources, they manage to make themselves known to others and people start noticing this small group of guys who r good at dancing. they started seeing these guys. And soon they become popular as an individual.

I am impressed. Really impressed.

And this guy made me realized something; that everyone is unique.

Everyone has their own unique ability or talent or skill. Some people, like that guy, is really good at dancing. he's just really good at dancing and he knows how to channel it well too. Some are good at treating patients; doctors. Some are good at analysing stones. Some are good at listening to people's problems. Some are good at drawing people or views. Some are good at taking good photos, some are good at cooking. Some are good at taking videos and making good movies. Some are good at writing. Some are good at being mom. Some are good at publicities and making people famous. Some are good at making money.

Basically, everyone is just good at something. Everyone has their own talent, skills, abilities. Everyone knows something or at least is good at something. Heck, even the homeless or drug addicts or ciminals are good at something. The homeless might be good at finding good spots for finding food, warm places, in and out of the cities and shortcuts we never knew exist. Drug addicts might be good at conning people, lying, etc.. And criminals, maybe, are just good at almost everything.

Everyone has something they know best or something they are good at. If you said you don't, trust me, one day you will. And just like that guy, you just need to start off somewhere, and know how to channel your ability well. You may start off as the background, as a nobody, hiding behind the shadows. But soon you will get to find your way out to the light and shine yourself, and climb to the top.

He just made me realize.... That everyone has something they're good at. And we don't need to be jealous of people who are good at this or that.

Because you see, they will also feel jealous with you being good at the things you are good at. You also has some talent or skill or something you know that they dont.

So use them well. And most importantly..

Channel them well. (^^)

p/s: i just suck at finding words for motivation isn't it?

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Hate = Obssesion

i hate being obsessed with something.

I hate the feeling, i hate going through the internet and googling and you-tubing and wikipediaing the item or person that i am trully, deeply, freakingly obssessed of.

I hate it so much.

Because its PATHETIC to be obsessed of something, or especially, being obsessed with someone that you know you can never be able to even get close to him/her, let alone having them as your friend or what's more impossible is owning him/her as your beloved one and have that person to love you back the same way.

I hate being obsessed.

Because obsessions often leads to hurtful disappointments.

I learned it the hard way and I've learned to let go of things or stop being too involved with something or someone.

It hurts a lot when you start to become obsessed with someone or something, because disappointment comes along with it as a complete package.

And right now i hate myself a lot for breaking my own set of rules. FFFF me.

p/s: i HATE you-tube. i won't ever open it unless i got a really vitally important business i need to settle which requires me to get it on you-tube. You-tube is the ROOT of obsessions.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

!@#$%^&*

I'm pretty satisfied with my final exam.

I really hope my score is better this semester -.-

and now there's one more problem i need to settle before i can exhale with relief

FFFF JPJ TEST!!! BHsbahdkbas bdxhqbw!!!!

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Hectic!!!!

THINGS I NEED TO DO!


After exam is over, and during semester break:
  1. Finish writing my novels (which takes forever to finish)
  2. Take JPJ driving test!!!!
  3. Sleepover at my fren's house
  4. Watch toys story!
  5. watch Kl drift 2

Monday, 26 April 2010

TAGGED!

RULES!

- BOLD the statements that ARE true to you
- ITALICIZE the statements that you WISH were true.
- Leave the fibs alone.
- Then, tag 6 people to do the same test.


• 170cm tall
• I don’t know what I want at the moment.
• I’m not happy.
• I hate my friends.
I hate my life.
I hate my grades.
I can drive
• I’m bored of driving
• I love dancing
• I go clubbing every week
• Shopping is bullshit
• I have a tattoo of a star.
• I got my navel pierced.
• I have friends that take drugs.
• 90% of my friends smoke.
I still hang out with my ex, even though our break up was rather nasty
• I’m studying Fashion
• I have a business running
• I hate cartoons.
I hate someone
• I have 10 Lollipops handbags
• I buy CLEO every month
My parents don’t know about my blog (*my own addition*: LOL)
• I have an iPod
• I don’t have faith in the current “one”.
My school mates know about my FB
• I wanted to be a fashion designer
• I love rock emo bands.
I hate it when people cancel last minute meet ups
My parents have faith in me
I’ve bought shoes this month
• A blogger bitched about me before
• I hate sports
• I hate Italian food
• I hate meeting new people
• I hate nail polish
The mother bear gives me hugs.
People should start appreciating me
High school was the worst time of my life
• I have red hair
I’m a guy.
• I’m scared of my Biology result exam which I’m going to face someday tomorrow.
• I hate vacations
• We’ll last
I believe in long distance relationships
• I’m going to get high and smoke weed one day soon.
• I’ve robbed an old lady.
I’m starting to like applying make-up
I was a tomboy
At times I think I still am a tomboy.
• I love bitching about people behind their backs
I still have a best friend
I have a cat
• I hate surprise parties.
• I hate planning parties.
I’m hot
• I’m a sinner.
• I’ve got a DS light
I have a Wii
I can’t live without music
• Video games are a waste of time
• I miss the father bear.
I love being in love
• I know how to cook
Boys are assholes.
• I hate Math
I’m happy with what I have
I love horror films
• I slept in my parents’ room for 3 days after watching Scream when I was a kid
My old friends keep in touch with me
I don’t read newspapers
• The news is such a waste of time
• Blogging is a waste of time
• I hate animals
• I can't live without make-up
• I curse like a pirate.
• I’m happy with my 11 year old car
I hate people that are smart
I love Orange juice
• I can’t drink for nuts.
• I believe that everyone in their teens have lost their virginity
I’ve got a new phone
I’m going to get a new pair of shoes by the end of this month
• I love swimming
• I haven’t worked out since March
I think I’m fat
I love my friends and family

I'M TAGGING MURSYIDAH & SARA SALWANA :P

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Where is my inspiration???

I want to write.

About random things.

About an incident that touches people deep inside.

Few simple words can already give a huge impact to those who reads it.

The problem is..

I don't know where to search for them. (T_T)

Monday, 19 April 2010

Drama~

Drama in the class again.

My heart was beating like a racing car when i witnessed it!

But at the same time, i feel really impressed with him for having the courage to stand up to her.

(^^) i just love the drama~

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Al-fatihah to my grandma, Zoyah bt Tik

terkilan. i don't know how to describe it in english, but if u are malaysians u'll understand what i mean.

feel so terkilan...

i skip the whole friday's class to rush to jb to see my dead grandma who had been suffering of a very strange illness for over 40 years, lying on the bed with her body like a zombi. skeleton-like with no more flesh. i felt a bit odd cuz i never thought she could die.

and there it happened, Allah's will.

finally He ended her misery and put her to total rest.

Feel so terkilan cuz i didnt manage to see her for the last time.

but at least i'm happy that she has finally rest in peace.

and she died on friday before friday prayers.

that is a helluva good sign. :)

Monday, 12 April 2010

Tagged: survey of my dream guy XD

1. How tall should he be?

> Taller than me, duh~ >.<>

2. What hair colour should he have?

> i don't mind about the hair colour. but if possible let he HAVE hairs.

3. What kind of personality should he have?

> i prefer the very soft, polite, obedient and gentle type like those people who work as a butler lol. very polite and respectful to others, and it'll be a huge BONUS if he has a very soft-spoken voice as well. but a crazy nut who likes to make me laugh and bery eager like a puppy can also be cute :P

4. Older or younger?

> age is just a number. but NOT TOO OLD! XP

5. What film actor should he most be like?

> I never cared about about any actors. so i'm not sure what to answer.

6. What singer should he most be like?

> Same as the above.

7. Do they need to cook?

> A FREAKING MUST. when i go to the kitchen to cook, he MUST be with me in the kitchen to cook as well. thats what u call romantic wahaha~ (or is it qc? XD)

8. What is his best body part?

> should be his body cuz i would wanna hug him often and i would want my arm to fit around his waist lol

9. What car should he drive?

> if possible cars like in the fast and furious movie. OMG i'll MELT!

10. What one thing completely turns you on?

> should be his soft spoken voice. mmmmm~ XD

11. Who was the guy on your mind when you were doing this survey?

> i dont have any guys in my list anymore currently so there's no one in my mind that i could think of.

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Dying... dying....!

so many presentations and assignments crammed in one week.

Test = 3

Lesson plan presentation = 3

assignments = 3

wah! i can die if this happens every week!!!