Farewell.

From now on ima stop texting you.

Ima stop asking how you are doing, ima stop calling you, ima stop contacting you.

Ima stop asking you out.

Ima stop caring about every single bit of you.

Ima disappear from your life. You will never hear from me again.

Ima start a new life without you.

Ima start meeting new people and forget everything about you.

And soon you will be just another piece of an old chapter in my life. A piece of memory that had once pass by and lit my day.

Just like many of those people in my life before you, in the previous chapters of my book.

You are nothing. You have nothing that i can hold on to dearly.

You have no values that benefits me even in the slightest way.

You only bring bad. Bad. Bad.

You only bring bad.

Ima discard the both of you from my data, and permanently delete you from my recycle bin. I'm never gonna keep anything about you. Your text messages will be deleted, everything that reminds me of you will be permanently destroyed.

I will pray to Him to never let us meet again.

EVER.

So goodbye.

FOREVER.

Insomnia~

I don't know why recently its hard for me to feel tired and sleepy at night.

Kept feeling wide awake and fresh till 5am.

Why? why? why???

Friendship Lagoon

Friendship Lagoon.

Just watched the Gulliver's Travels where the character mentioned about "don't let yourself be trapped inside the Friendship Lagoon, because it's painful."

My mind immediately formed a clear picture of him.

It is already clear between us that i love him, and he too shows various of signs that he's into me as well. But the clear picture still seems pretty vague.

He still have not made it clear to me regarding his true feelings about me, about us while i did. And each time i pushed him into confessing, he will just run away. He will try his best to turn the table back to me and avoid answering the question i want to know most.

Up to the point where i just stop freaking care anymore.

And yes, i am pretty much still halfway stuck inside the freaking Friendship Lagoon. Except that i have confessed but did not get my reply.

Still halfway stuck. Half of my heart is still waiting for him, still lighting and gripping hard on the hope of him feeling the same way i do and bring this friendship to the next level.

But then, like i said, i have reached a point where i just stop caring anymore. Therefore another half part of my heart is already free, not giving a damn to whatever it is that he will reply me regarding the biggest friendship dilemma between us.

So what if he actually doesn't have the same feelings? I would be more than happy to continue being best friends with him. The only male best friend i ever have, and probably will ever have.

Once i get the answer from him, be it negative or positive, then i will finally break free from the trap of Friendship Lagoon.

We still pretty much have that wall-of-space-and-separation which separates us from being too close together. Everytime i tried tearing that wall, he will just build them up all over again. He's trying so hard to avoid the big question.

Leaving me behind the thick wall. Leaving me in the Friendship Lagoon.

*sigh* not to say that i didn't move on. I did. I already have someone else in my life actually, who knows nothing about him and never will.

Ok, he did knows a bit about this best friend of mine. Except that i did not mention the gender. =_=" i don't want to create chaos you know.

But the thing is, i'm not actually 100% sure with this guy. Sure that i've met his family, his relatives, his siblings etc~ And yes he's a cutie. And yes, he did mentioned about 'once we get married' and etc~ And yes, he sounded serious to be with me and such. and yes again, he's a real cutie. (the only one thing i love most about him because he's pretty much a boring person)

But you know, i'm not feeling it with him... Not yet maybe. I don't feel the love vibe when with him. Sure i missed him at times but... I don't know. I'm not and trying my best not to putting any hopes of us taking this relationship to the next level. If we did make it to marriage, cool then. But if we can't make it, then too bad and no hard feelings. (i do still am sorta waiting for my best friend tho)

Why? because i have enough feeling disappointed with stupid hopes that will never come true.

I won't feel too frustrated if we ended up with a relationship break-up because i've always seen that coming everytime i think of him. I've always feel that coming when i think of him. Our relationship looks too fragile that it looked like we can just break-up anytime even due to small, silly reasons. He just doesn't look like he cares of me and what i do, he doesn't look like he misses me, he doesn't talk much with me, he never mentioned he loves me first, he never say the lovey-dovey words that couples should be saying to one another with me, he never asked to see me first, hiding in the car when we come across a few of his friends, adding random cute girls on FB to make friends with and ignoring what i felt when i scold him about it, rarely calls me to ask how i'm doing and so much more. For now, these are the only things i can think of him.

But he's not all bad. There's still a pint of goodness in him, such as worrying of me driving by myself and wanting to know if i have arrived safely at home, buying me drinks without me asking for it, paying for foods and drinks without me asking him to (thats common huh?), a very, very, very good listener (cared a lot when i told him i have problems, listened to every single word and comforted me), very loving to children (can be a loving dad), being cute (what? i just can't help it!), regret so much when he did stuff that i don't approve, and more things that i can't think of currently.

The point here is, i just am not feeling it with this guy and not putting on high hopes that we'll be together for a long time (eventhough i really would love and appreciate it if we did). And i'm still waiting for the big answer from my best friend in order to release myself from the Friendship Lagoon.

I've bore you with my mumbling of stupid relationships huh? haha~

If you care about me, or if you're a busybody (like me), you would want to know the updates in my life. But if you're a stranger and not giving a damn to whatever that happens to me, then feel free to read this other blog of mine, and this one too.

You might be interested to read that blog than this one, because ima talk about all the stupid things in my life in this blog.

Just so that i can reflect what i did in the past, kinda like my online public diary.

And for other people to read about me and what happen in my life once i'm no longer in this world soon. Just for the memories.

God, look at how much random craps i've written LOL~ ignore this post tq heeee~

OVER!! YEEEHAWWW!

Finally, the freaking emotional and mental torture of term paper period has come to an end.

He accepted all of my final submission without questioning me.

And the moment i step in front of his office, i walk a bit further away from his door and JUMPED HAPPILY LIKE CRAZY!!!! i was SUPER HAPPY at that time that no words can ever describe how i felt atm!

It is official, my DEGREE has now ENDED! no more going to class, no more assignments, no more seeing lecturers.. No more, NO MORE!!!

Now it is time to get a job.. Fina a temporary job cuz i'm gonna be bored to death =_="

Something came across my mind...

The first day, i was walking in Jusco, minding my own business when i suddenly swayed off course. I don't know why i felt like losing my vision and losing balance number of times. Couldn't walk properly. My brain was all dizzy and felt like shutting down a few times.

Second day, the brain started to feel light headed and a bit of light headache, but thats' still ok. i can still walk and carry on with my day. But when the night curtain falls, my head was starting to create problems. I can feel the brain was like a nail, being hit many, many, many times with a gigantic hammer in my head. Dub, Dub, Dub, Dub~ And the pain won't stop. Can't find any aspirins or pain killers (damn!), i thought i should rest it out and it'll be ok tomorrow maybe.

Third day, Sadly it didn't. It just got... Worse. If my mom didn't force me outta bed, i won't want to leave the bed. Couldn't really eat with the freaking pain in my head. Urgh... The nail hammering in my head just got stronger, stronger, stronger... like DUB, DUB, DUB this time. (T_T) it got even more worse and painful after i peed.

God, the agony... I kept repeating Allah's name in my head, thinking i deserve this too tho. But if this continues, i can't even carry on to finish my term paper, and i only have 2 days left!

Mom bought aspirins, i only swallowed one cuz i thought only one pill can already take the pain away. Slept a while, and when i woke up, the pain remains the same. *sigh*. She told me to swallow 2 in the first place.

Why i'm telling you this? well here's the thing actually that come across my mind when this happens.

Is it possible that i've actually inherited my dad's asthmatic problems and my mom's migrain problems at the same time? (and my grandmom's being-short-and fat genes -.-)

Why is it that i'm the only one with the bad genes? Why don't my other siblings inherit those genes? why were they passed on to me? ALL to ME?

I'm the one with the fat ass, i'm the shortest, i'm with the asthmatic problems, i'm the one often with the migrain problems. ME, ME, ME.

And i'm the one with the bad attitude, bad personality, the 'preferring-to-be-isolated one', the one with different opinions and thinking from my siblings, the one who dresses differently than them, and everything else that points to the opposite direction if compared to my siblings.

Coughcoughfeellikeimtheblacksheepinthefamilythocoughcoughcough.

From the personality, attitude, dressing code, opinions, thinkings, straight to the genes i inherit from my parents and my siblings didn't.

I FEEL TOO DIFFERENT.

The pain of the hammering in my brain is going more stronger and painful now. Better get back to bed to rest it out for a few hours first. Got a lot of work to be done after this.

Ignore what you've read above, tq.

If only i can burn down his office and the owner with it!!!

To Mr. You-Know-Who Lecturer~

KENAPA KAU TAK BOLEH NAK BAGI AKU SENANG HA?!!!

BAGI JE LA AKU C KALO SUSAH SANGAT!!!

APA LAGI YANG KAU TAK PUAS HATI PASAL KERJA AKU???!!!!

ADA JE KO TAK PUAS HATI DENGAN APA YANG AKU HANTA KAN?!!!!!

BODOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ASDFGHJKL!@#$%^&*()!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p/s: Raging mode. FU MR M!!!!!

Goodbye Atok.

Grandfather passed away 2 days ago.

I don't know why i couldn't feel anything when i witnessed him on his deathbed, facing Izrail to get his spirit free from his dying body. I felt emotionless. Like my sister said, yes, i felt curious because this is my actual first time seeing someone close to me dies. I was curious, and i started forming a lot of questions in my head such as..

"Is Izrail here? Is he taking my grandfather away right in front of my own eyes without me being able to see it? Is he going through a lot of pain while getting his spirit ripped from his body? What will happen to him if he finally draws his last breath? Is he going to follow us? Is he going to regret many things he did while he was alive? or will he finally be at peace for leaving this world, leaving the pain and the sickened body he used to live in his entire life? Will he be safe in the bazarkh? or will he endure more pain? will his grave be a piece of heaven to him? or hell? Will he be ok down there soon? Is he going to be ok?"

I asked myself these questions because i was trying so hard to understand the feeling of death, what it feels like when you are dead one day. Trying to instill the fear within me. But i felt numb. i couldn't. maybe because i was being in denial, or maybe because i wasn't ready. I don't know.

But a part of me felt relieved with his death. He had been ill, sick, paralyzed, helpless and went through severe emotional abuse the last 6 months of his life and more. I understand the pain he must have felt of not being able to move at all, always in need to rely on other people to live his last bits of life, and not wanting to feel alone. He was an independent man, my grandfather. He had his first stroke, and wasn't able to move much. But he didn't give up, and he kept trying until he finally was able to walk using a 4-legged-cane.

The impressive part is that he tried, tried, and tried, until he could even drive despite using the 4-legged-cane. He never complained anything and he would do things on his own most of the time without relying on his children.

But that was before the second stroke, and this time he was paralyzed all the way due to his back injury. That was when he was terribly helpless, and in constant need of people's help.

My heart throbbed when i heard that he scolded and cursed people around him at the hospital, screaming for help and was ignored. At times, people were tired of his demands, his needs to help on this and that. I have to admit even i felt that way at times. But then thinking back, it must've been painful for an independent man like him to be helpless and turning dependent. he doesn't ask for it to happen, fate sets his life that way. But then, his last life where he was on the hospital bed had made many people upset, tired, sick and stressed as they need to constantly fulfill his needs.

But he can't help it, because he can't move at all. all he can do is talk, cries and scream.

And then when he finally passed away, when his body was finally back in the house he had been living in most of his life back then, his home, again, i felt nothing. Again, all i can think of is the curiosity such as, "Is his spirit around here somewhere? is he walking around the house, watching each and every one of his family? Is he listening to my thoughts? is he watching his body? Is he feeling at peace? Or is he crying, regretting sins of his past?"

I couldn't feel the sad emotion at all. All i can think of him at that moment was him saying, "Air sokong! (air kosong)", him watching tv, him eating at the table, him sleeping, and him giving us free stuff every time we went back to visit him. I don't know why i was so cold hearted at that time, i don't know why i felt so numb and emotionless although i can already see his body lying in the living room, his lifeless body, the body that used to do the stuff i remembered about him.

But then when it was time for us to kiss him and bid the last farewell, the moment i kissed his cold forehead and said goodbye, that was when reality hit me. He was actually leaving, finally leaving forever and we won't be able to see him again.

Although i was happy in a way that he was finally free from his painful body (as he had no hope to be cured at his age), my eyes were starting to go all watery. The emotion and reality had finally hit me.

Perhaps i was being in denial before, but witnessing the actual ceremony where he will be taken away and leave us forever, it did struck me deep inside. I started feeling all kinds of emotions, my eyes wanted to shed out tears. But i tried so hard, so, so, so hard not letting them fall.

Before this, i tried so hard to feel the sadness. But when i actually do, i tried so hard to be cold. I don't want to cry, not in front of people. I see both of my sisters already cried, and i wanted too, but i'm blocking out the tears. I won't let it fall. I won't cry in a funeral. I won't let people see my true emotions. I won't let them know how i truly felt inside. I rather have them think i am a cruel person with a cold heart than thinking i am sensitive inside. That is a weakness, and i will try my best not to show it in front of people.

There were many times during that moment where the tears almost fell, but i tried so, so hard not to let it show. It wasn't nice to cry in a funeral, you'll make the dead feels sad to leave. You should feel accepting and let the dead feels it is ok for him/her to leave, as his/her family members have approved of fate.

Besides, it was time for him to leave, it was the end of his chapter of life. He had went through all stages of life and had witnessed stage. At his final age, it wasn't much left to look forward to other than waiting death, even more when he was already severely ill and paralyzed, living the last moment tormented by pain. He should be more than ready to face death, and people should be relieved and happy for him to finally end his pain and meet his Creator.

I don't know what is in it for him in the underworld there, but i am pretty sure that he's doing ok down there. He was a teacher, an Imam, a policeman, a shopkeeper. I am sure he had done a lot of good deeds while he was alive, and i pray the best for him to face the two angels in the bazarkh. I am sure he can answer well and is at peace.

All the best atok, I will surely tell stories about you to my kids one day. <:')

al-Fatihah~