Goodbye Atok.

Grandfather passed away 2 days ago.

I don't know why i couldn't feel anything when i witnessed him on his deathbed, facing Izrail to get his spirit free from his dying body. I felt emotionless. Like my sister said, yes, i felt curious because this is my actual first time seeing someone close to me dies. I was curious, and i started forming a lot of questions in my head such as..

"Is Izrail here? Is he taking my grandfather away right in front of my own eyes without me being able to see it? Is he going through a lot of pain while getting his spirit ripped from his body? What will happen to him if he finally draws his last breath? Is he going to follow us? Is he going to regret many things he did while he was alive? or will he finally be at peace for leaving this world, leaving the pain and the sickened body he used to live in his entire life? Will he be safe in the bazarkh? or will he endure more pain? will his grave be a piece of heaven to him? or hell? Will he be ok down there soon? Is he going to be ok?"

I asked myself these questions because i was trying so hard to understand the feeling of death, what it feels like when you are dead one day. Trying to instill the fear within me. But i felt numb. i couldn't. maybe because i was being in denial, or maybe because i wasn't ready. I don't know.

But a part of me felt relieved with his death. He had been ill, sick, paralyzed, helpless and went through severe emotional abuse the last 6 months of his life and more. I understand the pain he must have felt of not being able to move at all, always in need to rely on other people to live his last bits of life, and not wanting to feel alone. He was an independent man, my grandfather. He had his first stroke, and wasn't able to move much. But he didn't give up, and he kept trying until he finally was able to walk using a 4-legged-cane.

The impressive part is that he tried, tried, and tried, until he could even drive despite using the 4-legged-cane. He never complained anything and he would do things on his own most of the time without relying on his children.

But that was before the second stroke, and this time he was paralyzed all the way due to his back injury. That was when he was terribly helpless, and in constant need of people's help.

My heart throbbed when i heard that he scolded and cursed people around him at the hospital, screaming for help and was ignored. At times, people were tired of his demands, his needs to help on this and that. I have to admit even i felt that way at times. But then thinking back, it must've been painful for an independent man like him to be helpless and turning dependent. he doesn't ask for it to happen, fate sets his life that way. But then, his last life where he was on the hospital bed had made many people upset, tired, sick and stressed as they need to constantly fulfill his needs.

But he can't help it, because he can't move at all. all he can do is talk, cries and scream.

And then when he finally passed away, when his body was finally back in the house he had been living in most of his life back then, his home, again, i felt nothing. Again, all i can think of is the curiosity such as, "Is his spirit around here somewhere? is he walking around the house, watching each and every one of his family? Is he listening to my thoughts? is he watching his body? Is he feeling at peace? Or is he crying, regretting sins of his past?"

I couldn't feel the sad emotion at all. All i can think of him at that moment was him saying, "Air sokong! (air kosong)", him watching tv, him eating at the table, him sleeping, and him giving us free stuff every time we went back to visit him. I don't know why i was so cold hearted at that time, i don't know why i felt so numb and emotionless although i can already see his body lying in the living room, his lifeless body, the body that used to do the stuff i remembered about him.

But then when it was time for us to kiss him and bid the last farewell, the moment i kissed his cold forehead and said goodbye, that was when reality hit me. He was actually leaving, finally leaving forever and we won't be able to see him again.

Although i was happy in a way that he was finally free from his painful body (as he had no hope to be cured at his age), my eyes were starting to go all watery. The emotion and reality had finally hit me.

Perhaps i was being in denial before, but witnessing the actual ceremony where he will be taken away and leave us forever, it did struck me deep inside. I started feeling all kinds of emotions, my eyes wanted to shed out tears. But i tried so hard, so, so, so hard not letting them fall.

Before this, i tried so hard to feel the sadness. But when i actually do, i tried so hard to be cold. I don't want to cry, not in front of people. I see both of my sisters already cried, and i wanted too, but i'm blocking out the tears. I won't let it fall. I won't cry in a funeral. I won't let people see my true emotions. I won't let them know how i truly felt inside. I rather have them think i am a cruel person with a cold heart than thinking i am sensitive inside. That is a weakness, and i will try my best not to show it in front of people.

There were many times during that moment where the tears almost fell, but i tried so, so hard not to let it show. It wasn't nice to cry in a funeral, you'll make the dead feels sad to leave. You should feel accepting and let the dead feels it is ok for him/her to leave, as his/her family members have approved of fate.

Besides, it was time for him to leave, it was the end of his chapter of life. He had went through all stages of life and had witnessed stage. At his final age, it wasn't much left to look forward to other than waiting death, even more when he was already severely ill and paralyzed, living the last moment tormented by pain. He should be more than ready to face death, and people should be relieved and happy for him to finally end his pain and meet his Creator.

I don't know what is in it for him in the underworld there, but i am pretty sure that he's doing ok down there. He was a teacher, an Imam, a policeman, a shopkeeper. I am sure he had done a lot of good deeds while he was alive, and i pray the best for him to face the two angels in the bazarkh. I am sure he can answer well and is at peace.

All the best atok, I will surely tell stories about you to my kids one day. <:')

al-Fatihah~