Just now i was reading my old script series i wrote during secondary school.
In case if you were wondering what script i was talking about, let me enlighten you a bit on that. During my childhood years, i had this dream of a good story. I woke up and started writing the story line of that particular dream in script writing. After that i figured. "Hey, why not elaborate the story a bit and make it like a story? i mean,
the dream was good but it only went halfway. I might as well put a good ending to it."
And so i continued writing the whole story, creating a plot and all sorts of nonsense in my school's exercise book. I wrote all those things spontaneously. I didn't really planned the whole plot, i just go on writing whatever crap i wanna write in the story. After that, i read them to my sisters like a bedtime story and they loved it. I loved the attention and i loved it when my crap story actually had 'fans' although they were only my sisters. And so instead of leaving the ending to just that, i continued the series and keep on writing and writing and writing and writing and writing.... Motivated by the eagerness of my sisters' curiosity of wanting to know what happen next in the story. And then i started to become addicted to write to the level where i wrote the
script story EVERY FREE TIME i could find, and even continuously writing the story when i was supposed to be paying attention to other much more important matters (such as school).
I started writing when i was about 10 years old, or 11, i think. I wrote the first series called 'Team Knight Rider' from the tv drama i watched. It was about a team of some sort of secret organisation where they have talking cars as their partners for missions. I fell in love with the story, i dreamed a good intro and continue to write in scripts (and using ENGLISH, not malay) using my school exercise books untill it reached over 30 books. Then we moved to a new home and i don't know where those book series have gone to. <:( i really would love to read them back.
When i was around 11 or 12 (i think), i fell in love with 'Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone' movie. Again, i dreamed a good intro. But this time i didn't write them down just yet. I told my sisters about the dream, then i continued the story each night verbally, not by writing. It's like telling my sisters a good bedtime story by verbal and not reading them from a book. But then i found out it's way more difficult to keep track of my story if i do it verbally. So i continued the part of the story where i stopped with my sisters, and started writing them in scripts like how i did with my previous story. Again, I got so addicted of writing them to the point where i can hardly eat, drink or stop. All i could ever think of was to write, write, and write more (and i've reached 31 exercise books, the THICK and THIN ones combined together).
I never experienced any writer's block back then and come to think of it, how the hell did i manage to come up with such good plots for the series without proper planning? i did them all spontaneously for heaven's sake! and i was just 13 back then. O_o
When i was 14, i realized that i can never have the chance to publish my scripts that i've spent my precious times writing. Why? because Harry Potter is someone else's character. It has a copyright of it's own. I can get sued if i publish them. So i started to plan a new story, and began to create my own character, with the help and inspiration from 'a few people'. I began to actually PLAN the plot instead of writing spontaneous craps like how i did back then.
And the addiction came back to me like being washed by the cool and harsh waves of the ocean. I was engulfed by the addiction of writing and the attention from my sisters that i continued on writing every free time i could find at school and home until i was known well to my classmates and close friends as 'Harry Potter' and the kid who write scripts. When i started the new story at 15 years old, i began to do proper planning for the plots and all, but still inserting spontaneous jokes and scenes here and there everytime some crazy random idea crossed my mind. I continued this addiction of mine until i reached 17, and then i had to stop half-way due to the need of focusing for SPM.
I promised myself i will continue to write the story after SPM, but what happen was that after i left the addiction for a few months, i started experiencing lost of interest in writing the scripts, and the addition of writer's block. My sisters' interest in listening to my story too started to fade due to the long-term of no story-telling bedtime st
ories from me, in addition of growing mature over time (as they have turned into teenagers and no longer feel interested with foolish bedtime stories =_=).
Hence, the plot and the script writing of the particular story was done half-way since i was 17, until today when i am already 22. The addiction of writing was forgotten ever since.
And now we are back to the main topic of the post today. Just now, i've just finished reading the old scripts i wrote back when i was in secondary school. Yes, the whole series i've done. After i read them all, my emotions was stirred into a mixture of being impressed with my own masterpiece as well as hatred.
Now when i'm 22 and reading back the addiction i had when i was a teen, I became impressed with my old self. I was impressed with my own ability to actually write these scripts. I was impressed and puzzled with how i could come up with such humorous as well as breath-taking plots i created myself. I got so preoccupied with the scripts i wrote myself that i even laughed like hell and could't get my hands off the books reading the funny as well as suspense scenes i don't remember writing. It was like i was reading series of script-writing story/plot which was written by another whole different person; not me; not the one who is laughing reading the story at that time. After reading them, I was also impressed by the effort and obsession i had which enabled the old me to actually write THESE scripts.
Which then made me wonder...
Where have all those addiction gone to? Where was the old me who was so engulfed by so many ideas? Where have all my creativity and addiction of writing gone to? Why can't i write well like how i did in the past? Why can't i think of any random craps to write in the exercise book anymore? Why do i feel fearful and too careful to plan and continue to write the stuff i left years ago? Why can't i be the same person i was 5 years ago? Why can't i write anymore?
Where have all my passion in writing disappeared to?
And that is when the hatred came to me; hating myself for stopping the series just to focus on my SPM; which came out a bunch of crap anyways. Just because i wanted to focus on SPM, i've accidentally killed my passion and addiction in writing. Just because of the stupid SPM which i never manage to scored anyway, i've lost my only one aspiration and passion i had which've kept me going and alive all these while.
Back then, i was so passionate to write, so full of interest, ideas, creativity, motivation, obsession, passion and addiction to write that i don't give a damn about my homeworks, teachers, friends, and all those other crap i faced. I was too preoccupied with my own passion that i don't give much damn to problems around me.
Back then, I was happy and i had a purpose in life; to become a writer/script-writer one day, to have my own novel/drama, to see my characters i create to come to life.
But now? Where are they now? Where is my purpose in life? Where is my one aspiration i had and held on to? All gone because of a stupid need to focus for SPM.
Because of SPM, i've forgotten the intense addiction towards the satisfaction of writing down the ideas which came pouring like a waterfall. I've forgotten how it feels like to hold a pen and start writing on a piece of paper, leaving me no real world, intoxicating me with the ecstasy of creativity and my own imaginary world i wrote down in scripts.
I tried to regain my passion. I tried to write back again, but i don't understand why i failed to do just that. I feel much more insecure now, i feel scared and too cautious to write because of the fear of writing the wrong idea, the wrong plot.
Back then, i had a good sense of humour that even i laughed at my own jokes in the scenes myself. But now, i can't even start writing the first word to continue the story from where i left it.
I feel myself 'aging', losing the creativity, purpose and passion i once had in me. I can't help myself from drowning my eye surface with watery tears recalling this.
I envied my friend who still have her passion and creativity in drawing. She started during her teenage years and she has become a lot better now, even more skillful. But the passion of writing in me had just... Died.
And i tried so hard, so desperate to revive that long-lost passion but i can't. I failed.
Reading those stories i wrote, made me missed the lame old me so much; the old me who doesn't give a care in the world about silly problems in life and only focused on her one true purpose which have kept her alive, sane and most of all; satisfied.
5 years ago, I once was 'alive'. I was satisfied enough by just writing. 5 years ago, i had a dream, i had a purpose, i had a goal which kept me 'alive'.
But now... As my sister said, "Life happened."
Now, i'm no different than the adult zombies who seek nothing but any jobs that pays for his/her living. I don't have that spark in me anymore. There are no such things as passion and dreams and goals anymore; just the strive and need to find money to pay for one to stay alive.
Like a zombie.
I missed me.
I missed 'them'.
I want them back. So, so, so much. But i don't know how anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment