Summary of Trip

Just got back from the trip to Kuantan with her.

And i still can't believe i have traveled halfway across semenanjung malaysia without my family.

I don't know why i didn't feel like a stranger to the place at all although it was my first time being there, and it only took her about 2 days to get me around her hometown, but i already felt like i've known that place for years, thanks to her :)

And i loved her parents. They treated me so nice and gave me a warm welcome that i don't feel awkward staying there at all. After all the things i heard about her dad, i was kinda surprised when i found out how well he treated me and her daughter with my own eyes.

And after all those things i heard about her mother, i was surprised to see how kind she was to me.

After seeing her parents myself, it's just so hard for me to believe the bad things i heard about them really did happened, because to me it seemed impossible. How can i? They are both such nice old married couple who loves their daughter and the whole three family member were able to mix so well, even better than how i mix with my parents.

I never laughed sincerely and tell my dad stuff like how she did with hers. I never share anything with my dad. I never let him barge in my personal life and he never bothered to anyway. I never share any info on anything worth telling to him like how i did to my mom. To me he is just an image of authority in the house that does his own things and manage his own life alone. I never mix or socialize so well with him like how she did with her dad.

Which amazed me in a way after recalling how much she despised her own father in the past (if i am not mistaken from what i heard). I was impressed with how well she mixed with her parents and how much love she showed to them despite of them hurting her so bad.

I was so impressed because i know deep down i never and will never have that kind of value in me like her. I will never able to mix well with my dad no matter how hard he will try. I don't know why but i just can't.

Yes, ego plays a role in this too.

And throughout the whole time when she drove me all around her hometown, apart from feeling excited and impressed, i felt something else as well.

Something else building inside me.

That 'terkilan' feeling.

Because to me, it should have been him who was there with her. He would have made her so happy if it was him who was with her instead of me. I felt like i was only filling a blank/gap between them tho i really felt so, so, so satisfied and happy to have actually been to her place to the point where i can already memorize the streets of Kuantan within only 2 days.

Then again, it just can't happen that way.

I am reaching closer to the border which defines the degree of one's sanity.

How i wish he makes this so much easier for me. Why can't you just make me lose my mind already. <:(

I appreciate & love her as a best friend, but i know i can never, ever replace 'him' and gave her the happiness he gave her in the past. I know it just won't be the same.

We want you back, I want you back. So, so, so bad that i felt i'm almost losing my mind by denying what i should be doing <:'(