Who exactly am i to you, my friend?

Sigh~ You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you only choose to spend time with me only when you are bored or when you need someone to talk to in order to share and pour out your sweet and bitter moments in your carrier as the new kedah state football player.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet the only thing you seemed to care is your carrier and rarely asks stuff about me and my life. You even condemned me when i told you about my deepest secret that had always been the poison in my life instead of comforting me with motivating n supportive words like how i always did when you need a lift of spirit when you're going to play for an important football match... Like how a friend should do.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you refuse to open up to me regarding personal problems and matters and personal happenings in your everyday life. You choose to act so formal with me as if i am one of your fanatic fans instead of a true friend.

Who exactly am i to you? am i your friend or am i just a tool for you to share stories regarding your cool, popular carrier? Maybe to you i am one of those important people in your life (especially becoming the only closest female friend he ever had), but sadly to me, you are not even close to a friend.

You act nothing like a friend of mine. You care nothing of me. You act so formal with me. Most of the things i remembered as long as we had been friends is listening to how your life (of which you were jobless in the past and had no means of working) and cool carrier has been for you instead of telling you about how my pathetic life, problem n future is going on.

And when i tried to tell them out to you, you pushed me away by acting so formal and awkward, and at times you even despised me that it hurts more than comforting.

Ahmad Shakir Bin Ali... Even after we have been friends for a quite a long time, your identity still remains a mystery to me, and i can never ever be able to figure you out.

p/s: FYI, that picture IS him.

Revealing the truth and put an end to it all.

It was hard for me to reveal the truth.

It was hard for me to go agaisnt the princip i have held for so many years.

as hard as a mother being forced to kill her children using her own hands.

Its THAT hard. But i did it anyway. I decided to end it because i care for my brother.

Because i want to contact him n be his 'brother' in real life.

Because i want to hang out with him and attend his seminars and chat with him n listen to his pep talk and advises by voice n not by text.

He's a great somebody, he's a great brother, a caring, wonderful n great brother.

And i don't wanna miss the chance of meeting him in person and talk to him in real life, to joke around with him n meet him up. I don't wanna miss that chance just because i lied n am using a fake identity.

I decided to take that risk because i care deeply for my brother, and because he cares deeply me. I don't have the heart to keep lying to someone as caring and wonderful as him. I want to contact him in real life n meet him in person as myself. The real me..

When i made that action, i felt guilty like hell that i can't stop crying. I was worried of how he will react. My heart was racing. It felt as if time moves too slow.

Suprisingly he didnt get mad. And shockingly and weird thing is that the first thing he asked when he called me for the first time was "Are you ok dik?"

I was so touched that i was literally speechless. Couldn't utter a single word n my tear dropped out of happiness. I was touched that he wasn't n doesn't sound mad at all. in fact he laughed and told me its okay. He convinced me that it was no big deal n he wasn't angry... (but i know deep inside he feels hurt and i am truly sorry for hurting him... I can never forgive myself.)

Finally, i get the chance to listen to his voice n talk to him instead of texting. And it was a blessing i can never ever repay him. It was a dream come true. Finally, FINALLY, i get to speak to him.

Its just a matter of time until i meet this great and wonderful guy in person. He is truly a somebody whom i look up to. I respect him, adore him, and idolize him with all my heart and soul for caring for me so much that he would still be willing to spend time for me although he was too busy n tired.

But those are before i told him the truth about me.

Now i hope, i REALLY hope that his love and care towards me will not change after i told him the truth. Maybe he won't be able to feel the same anymore.. I really hope that won't happen.

Because If he changes... If he stops caring for me just because he doesn't feel the same anymore due to the feelings of betrayal and hurt, i can't blame him for that.. I truly deserve it..

But i've risked telling him the truth so that we can be friends and true 'brothers' in real life.

If he truly change...

It will break my heart...

And that i have to accept it with an open heart... Tho it kills me...

I'm so sorry abg fad.. <=(

I hope we can, or are still brothers like we were, or still am.

I'm very sorry for hurting u.

EXAM i hate you!

I should be studying but... SIGH!

I hate exams. I hate it so, so, so much SIGH!

(i know i shouldn't be sighing but well SIGH~ i just couldn't resist it huhuh~ the sentence sounds better with a sigh LOL.)

I got this GREAT IDEA popping in my head when i was doing the laundry in the toilet. And i can't wait to write a short story about it. This precious moment doesn't happen very often, in fact, it RARELY happens. So when it does, i should be heading straight to my room and write about it like crazy!

The only thing that is stopping me is this freaking EXAM!

So please, exam, be gone!! BE GONE I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE BE GONE!!!!

p/s: now i sound like a freaking mental patient escapee hahah!

What does it actually means when a guy do these to a girl?

Sigh... He's playing 'tarik tali' with me.

His tone when speaking indicates that he has no feelings for me and just treated me as a friend he cares for.

But then, why wouldn't he text any other girls except me? i mean, he has a LOT of fans out there, let alone now that he has become a celebrity. He admitted he enjoyed the attention, but he still choose to text only me. The only female he cared to text up to the point where he ask his lil brother to inform me about his scores and games when he is playing.

If he doesnt have any feelings for me, he wouldn't even care to do that. He promised me that he will inform me everytime he enters a football match, and he will inform me of his scores and experienced in the field.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he would have 'layan' all the other fans; much prettier, wittier girls out there who are far better than me in every single way.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he won't text me when he is bored. as in like finding me, literally FINDING ME, instead of texting any other fans of his.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wont have waited all night long for my birthday message and eventually called me the next morning to see if i have forgotten (of which i did forgot)

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wouldn't need to listen to me when i asked him to eat something, and fulfilled his promise to eat 2 slice of bread before bed.

If he doesn't have feelings for me, he won't be finding ME to share about his excitement and disappointment each time when he won or lose a football match.

He showed as if he really cares and treated me so special amongst the other girls who were willing to 'berebut' just for the sake of getting his freaking sweaty jersey everytime he won a match. Only me. The only female friend. His only good female friend that gets special treatment.

He treats me so special ever since before he became popular and even more special after he became a celebrity.

But the only thing that doesn't fit is that the way his body language is speaking to me; it translates that he doesn't have any sort of feelings or jealousy when i talked to him about these other two guys who were chasing after me and literally advised me stuff about whether to accept any of them or not.

But... For someone like him, (a celebrity of which girls are dying to lay their hands on) giving someone like me (a fat, ugly girl who is a nobody) a special treatment? Giving me the privilege that no other girl in his life could get?

Now what does that suppose to mean then?

p/s: his gf had long passed away, and i know deep inside he still loves her. maybe thats what makes him shutting his heart out from girls, but why did he let only ME in the first place? sigh, he is driving me nuts!

Single is better.

I've got a spark of idea after i'd watched the most boring movie ever; Wallstreet.

It's about a mysterious guy who refuse to expose his identity, even his face, had been helping a stranger out to win the heart of his beloved one as well as to sort his life one step at a time.

Can't wait to write again.

And i've just found out the most devastating news ever...

I don't know if i ever dare to give my heart to anyone anymore. Single is the way of life, no one to hurt, won't get hurt either. I can spend my money n my life like how i want without any restraints. No more tears. The three guys can just get the hell out of my heart, i'm not sharing it with anyone except me alone.

p/s: wth am i craping about here haih...

Conflict with 3 men

3 guys in my life. 3 guys that mattered to me, and that loves me. Well, actually its just 2. 1 of the three only cares me as a friend.

a tailor for VIPS and famous artists, (a year younger than me)

a mere pastry chef of a restaurant, (a year older than me)

a state celebrity football player. (same age as me)

Different conflicts with different guys. All of them cares for me but...

I appreciate the tailor's sacrifice for me. But.. I tried, i really tried but i just don't share the same feelings he has for me. I tried so hard.

And I think i'm starting to fall for the pastry chef.

And i think i have always had feelings for the football player ever since we first know each other.

Let's just wait until the day i meet this mysterious pastry chef, and then i will confirm whether he is the one i choose to be with or not. He has all the qualities i've dreamed of in a guy, and he is willing to change for my sake. Most importantly, he listens to me. And i mean both ways. The only con with him rite now is that i still haven't meet him yet.

About the football player? i'll wait. And wait.. And wait.. Untill he has his own girlfriend maybe, and then only i'll give up on him.

But in the meantime, i will decide about relationships AFTER i've met the pastry chef.

And i hope he won't disappoint me. I really hope so.

Am i loving him or is it just the stupid hormone crap?

i think i've fallen in love...

Or i just THOUGHT that i've fallen in love?

but he's soooo damn cute and i have been trying to get his attention since i first know him, ever since before i know how he looked like in real.

and he acted so cool with me, treating me as only a friend. An important friend, but still, just a mere friend and nothing else. When i tried asking him about having any girlfriends, he answered me so calm, telling me that it never crossed his mind, and ask me why, as if like there's no 'in-between-feelings'.

He's a freaking celebrity now and i've learned not to held hopes on anyone or even loving anyone. Someone like him won't even look at someone like me with only an eye.

But then... why did he thanked me so much as if he really appreciate me texting him, wanting me to accompany him, and the most important part is...

giving a kiss to me in the text? (eg: thanks so much for accompanying me tonite, take care ya, emuah... salam..)

he is a guy who doesnt flirt with any girls, especially girls like me. someone like him will not ever do such thing if he only cares for that person as a friend. he isnt a guy with jokes, he's a serious guy. a serious guy who doesnt like to flirt and being flirted. Friends like that, who dont have feelings with the other wont do that rite?

So does that mean he.... Does has at least a bit of feelings to me too?

p/s: Just randomly crapping.

Sick, sick, sick again.

I don't understand why recently my stomach is giving such problems like diarrhoea.

This is like the 4th or 5th time maybe for me to experience stomach aches.

Stomach bloating, nausea, stomach feeling gassy, and difficulty to do bladder.

I don't recall anything different regarding my eating pattern, and i definitely drink plenty of water.

What went wrong?

crapping~

why can't i have some of this?

why can't i have some of that?

sticking to the addiction.

not even trying to re-live the passion i once had.

just going with the flow, where destiny takes me.

not planning on anything big, no dreams, nothing.

envious with people who knows what they want and going for it. while i don't.

because...

because i am afraid of failure to sink the pain of failing if i did try.

so better not try at all, so we don't experience failures. my motto.

looking forward for the next chapter of my life; working life.

i'm looking forward.

Fever is a blessing (^,^)

Fever, sore throat, unusually weak body, feels as if my body has only 10% amount of energy left within.

Everytime i swallowed those ridiculous amount of pills, my body trembled like crazy that i can't sleep at all. My whole body shuddered as if i was inside a refrigerator.

Everytime i walked, i feel as if my body could just collapse anytime. My head was spinning, and i felt like i was walking like a drunken man.

Sore body, coughed like a million times till my head suffers an unbearable pain that it feels like exploding number of times.

I literally felt my eyeballs were drowning in boiling water, and that i can fry an egg on my forehead.

It has been quite a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since i last suffered of fever. I don't remember how fever feels like. People hate being sick.

But ironically i feel very thankful for getting this sudden illness after a loooooooong time.

Cuz it proves that God still loves me. (^.^)

Now!

It's time to make a change, starting with myself and my own life.

It's time to make a change.

NOW.

Time, please stop ticking~

Pending assignments waiting to be done. They (my assignments) keep staring at my face and tapping their fingers, feeling so ticked off that i have not touched them yet. And The mid-sem break is going to end in another 2 days.

I don't know... I am not in a good condition to do anything at all, not even watching tv and have a chillax moment. I know i need to get back on my feet but i don't know when yet.

I thought of trying to write again, trying to distract my mind by writing novels and short stories again but i still can't. It seems like my interest in writing has long faded.

I don't know my own goals in life anymore. I dont want to become a teacher, i am not interested in studying anymore, i am not interested in finding a new bf whatsoever anymore too, i am not interested in socializing with new people anymore, and i am not even interested in writing anymore which used to be my passion to die for once.

I don't know what i want. I don't plan my future anymore and i don't know what will become of me. *sigh*~

I feel like running far, far, far away to a place where time seem to stop ticking, and give me the space and time to think and handle myself properly.

I feel like i am going mental and experiencing 'tekanan jiwa' already...

Time just moves too fast.

It has been a long time since i've really loved a man, and really were in love.

It was a heartache experience being in love. I am not worthy, i am never worthy to any men and they just don't give a damn to someone like me either.

The only experience i get for falling in love is to get hurt.

I don't give a damn about men, about relationships, about marriage anymore.

I am no longer interested.

My heart has been sealed completely

NOT INTERESTED, THANK YOU.

I don't care about guys anymore.

I don't care about getting hooked or getting married.

So what if i will end up being an old maid? rather than having to serve myself like a slave to men, i rather spend my time and money only to myself.

Being single is so much worth it.

Before this i was so desperate in finding boyfriends and a spouse because i desperately want to get married before 25. but now i just don't care any longer.

To me now male species exist just because they do, and they r just a part of life and living things that god created, just like He create animals and 'jin'.

I don't givadamn 0n why they exist. Exist to lead, yes. But exist to mate the females and get more humans to be born in this world? HAH!

You fellow males can get any other females you want to mate with, but NOT ME.

My heart is already closed for all male species. If you want me, you should have tried hook up with me like a few years ago. Too late to hook up with me now.

I am SINGLE and NOT AVAILABLE. Find somebody else's female heart that you can break. I am not interested in being in relationships anymore.

Heck, I AM NO MORE INTERESTED IN MEN THEMSELVES.

So gerrofff and leave me alone.

Feeling suffocating, not because of assignments.

Suffocating because of financial problem, of the stupid PTPTN money that still has not yet been banked into my account.

and i have a freaking debt to pay ASAP.

wanting to ask from him to lend me to pay but i think its just too much to ask.

stop it nizt!

i am sick. terribly sick, very sick.

i mean mental, mentally ill.

i need to stop myself. i need to stop this now and focus

i feel like being pushed to the edge and am about to lose focus on everything.

i need to get back in line.

Questionare~

1. Apakah nama blog anda dan kenapa anda memilih nama itu?
Random Craps. Because i talk about random craps in here that i feel like spitting out for the whole world to know. the name itself is pretty obvious so i don't think i need to explain.

2. Apakah link blog anda sekarang dan bagaimana boleh timbul idea untuk menamakannya seperti itu?
www.control-iz-me.blogspot.com. because i love being in control and i like to have things all controlled and goes as planned. haha nah im not a control freak. i mean controlling as in controlling things that i planned. the word 'iz' in the middle stands for 'is' in a fancy way, at the same time it spelled my initial name, 'iz' from 'izzati'.

3. Apakah method penulisan dalam blog anda?
unlike my sisters who often tells the facts of life in their blogs, mine is much more personal. more like a public diary. thats my method of writing in my blog.

4. Pernah terasa nak hapuskan blog anda? Sebabnya?
HAHA! are you trying to be funny? =.="

5. Pernah tak ahli keluarga anda membaca blog anda dan apa kata mereka?
YES THEY DO. and i don't think i mind. it IS public and for anyone to read.

6. Apakah perasaan anda apabila orang lain mengatakan bahawa anda punya blog ini buruk sedangkan masih ada yang mengatakan blog anda cantik?
>:( bring my knife and pitch forks!!! IMA KILL THEM!!! >XDDD

7. Bilakah anda mula mempunyai blog?

2 years back i think. or last year. around october maybe? september?

8. Siapakah orang pertama yang mengetahui anda mempunyai blog?
Hafiz che' blah blah blah. hahaha i don't really remember his full name anymore. aside from my sisters of course

9. Apa perasaan anda apabila orang mengatakan tentang blog anda di sekolah/universiti/tempat kerja?
OMG!!! (O.O)

10. 10 orang untuk di-tag

yana, aisyah, syidah, wawa.. hurm who else? hehehe~

Too messed up.

Haven't update this freaking blog.

Things are a bit messed up right now.

i need to get my thoughts, my schedule and my life re-arranged first.

and then i'll tell you what happen.

BLOCKED.

i wanted to write. i wanted to write so bad! i want to fill in those blank microsoft word pages and fill em to dozens numbers of pages.

i wanted to finish this story i have been trying to work on. but it always ends with a block in my head. i forgot what you call that. creativity block? writer's block? i dunno... but to put it in an easy way,

i just don't know what to write anymore. i don't have that passion of writing anymore. i've lost the words to tell them out to people. i have the raw materials in my head and it's all in there. but i fail to find the perfect tools to get these materials and ideas out of my head to be translated into words that people can understand, that people finds fascinating to read.

I want to write so bad that i need time-out in order to get them translated and arranged well.

The time of which i don't have.

The time of which is forever in dreams.

I need to speak to the 'devil', i need to listen to what the devil, the prince the avenger and the members of the companion is trying to say to me.

I need to know what is going on there in Darkness!

People, speak to me and help me write your history properly so i can get it right and look cool!

I need to let you go one day.

i have to be less active in that world, and have to start waking up and handle my own world.

i know i can't run away from reality and my own life forever.

one day i need to face it too. It is only a matter of time.

therefore i made up my mind. things just HAVE to change.

it doesnt matter if it takes a slow pace, i just need to do something with my life to make it feel much more fun and worth living than pretending to be someone i am trully not.

one day i have to let 'them' go.

i need a proper goal i can work with and start becoming a freaking machine to achieve it.

I CAN! I KNOW I CAN!

p/s: yeah i can do it the whole time, i just chose not to,