I Hope One Day You'll Find This Message, Sir.

I have enough caring for his feelings when he never bothered caring about mine.

It was always me who had to be careful with my words.

And again, always me who had to do all the sacrificing for him.

Well you know what, you asshole? Screw you. You gotta learn that everyone else is just as important. You need to put your ego aside if you want to have a family. You need to learn that your freaking wife is just as important as your kids, as she will be the one bearing the pain of giving birth, and the heavens will always be beneath the footstep of the mother, the wife. Not the father. You only donate the sperms, therefore you have no right to say that your wife is any less important than your children.

But most importantly, you need to GROW UP.

Learn to accept whatever comments that others gave you. Their words may be harsh, but if they don't point it out, you won't ever know you have been doing it wrong. And no, stop throwing stupid tantrums and attack these people when you feel offended. Swallow them in, be mature, be an adult and deal with it like a man you are, not like a freaking 10 year old.

I did love him, (please note that DID is a past tense) but he's being too much. I tried talking some sense into him, i tried to woo him, i tried explaining. He's just too egoistic to accept whatever it is i've advised him. Perhaps he felt that me, a younger person, has no right to talk some sense to an older guy like himself.

He's an asshole, narcissistic, perfectionist, egoistic bastard. I tried putting up with him. But it was his attitude that has led him to this kind of ending.

Yes, an end.

I've reached a point where i realized this guy is just not worth it. He's a total ass. I can't imagine how it'll be if we were to live together and have kids. He'll might shout at me and put up a stupid tantrum, acting cold for months, or even divorce me, only due to a small, petty reason such as accidentally mixing his shirts with pink dyed clothes. Something stupid. Just like that old video.

So, instead of being patient and torment my heart into his silly game of 'start over as friends', i've decided to end it when he commented on his status saying this, right after i put up a status sarcastically asking why is it so hard for guys to work things out instead of breaking up over small problems:

"You look smart but you are actually stupid."

Can't you see the way he acts? Even his freaking sentence shows as is he's a rebbelious 10 year old kid. It hurts alright, and then i had enough. I replied only two wordson my status, which i know, hurts him like hell. Only those two small words.

"Grow up."

Sure, he got really pissed off and replied "let's end this now.", and he deleted me off his contacts and blocked me.

Somehow, i feel glad. Really glad, for finally giving that spoiled ass-face a big old slap of reality. I felt so free and light. No more being afraid of getting dumped. No more worrying if he loves me or not. No more waiting for his texts. No more feeling hurt and offended by his words and only being able to shut up about it. Everything just feels so much clearer, lighter... He never cared about how i feel. Why should i? 

And hell no, i'm never gonna apologize. He deserves it. That spoiled little brat.

So.. Yeah. I'm done with love. Full-effing-Stop.

Jerk!!!

I just can't freaking believe it that he exaggerated on something that to me is not a big deal.

My heart belongs to him. Just because ive forgotten to delete some stuff about my past, his sensitivity has led him to ending things with me. And start over as just friends.

Wtf... it was some video i took before i knew him for heavens sake! And it just didnt occur to me to delete it! I didnt even remember about it until he asked abt it! Whats the big deal?? Why breaking up over some stuff of my past? He said he has a valid reason. For goodness sake, why bother abt that stupid old video anyway?? Why make it as such a big excuse till u wanna end and start over with me??

he seriously needs to get a hold of his stupid emotionally unstable problem. Im trying to fix things but if he remains an asshole and thinks one stupid old video is going to affect us, then he can go to hell. I have enough caring for his feelings. Always have to be careful on what to say with him to avoid hurting his feelings. Do u know how irritating it is to always have to be careful all the time??

i cant breath and i dont have the space to really be myself around him! God!

im the woman here. I get to be emotionally unstable, not him.

He's being a serious jerk about small stuff like this.

Being different, it doesn't mean we cannot try to understand.

All my life, i stand to a principle of live and let live. Being laid back, i don't worry too much about stuff. I take life very easily. Living the moment, being grateful of whatever it is i have now. I never felt the need to struggle, to throw my best, or to work hard. I never had any goals to achieve. Even when i did, i take them easily, resulting boredom in pursuing, hence leaving them half-way or quarter-way done through the process.

Be it, my goal to lose weight, to learn to dress nicer and look pretty, my never-ending desire to finish my half-way done novels, the initiation of putting these ideas in my head into writing.. My desire to own an Evo, my own apartment... Pretty much everything.

I lived an easy life. I never bothered about achieving anything, or proving a point on anything. I didn't feel the need to achieve something in life. To me, life is to live in the moment. Don't take things for granted. I live moderately. As long as i have a roof on top of my head, food to survive, a transport, and spare money to pay for things i wanted, i am already content with my life.

But one fine day, HE came knocking on my life's door.

This guy, he's... A somewhat total opposite of me. I knew this guy from a social site, where from there, we began to grew fonder of each other. I learned a lot about him as our relationship progressed. For example, we have a few similarities, such as collecting coins in bottles, loving to watch documentaries, making importance of punctuality, and several other stuff.

But at the same time, we are a total opposite of each other. a REAL OPPOSITE.

My core, as i have mentioned, is being peaceful. I take things easily. I loosened up well. I don't mess up my head thinking too much about stuff, responsibilities, etc. I don't focus on details and/or take them into account. That is my core. Pretty much relaxed and laid back.

Whereas, this guy, he believes completely in doing his best in EVERYTHING. Even when he did his best and failed, he'll keep on trying until he succeeds as he believes he has not yet done his best if he fails; there should be something wrong somewhere that needs fixing. He believes in trying our best to achieve perfection, therefore there should be a never-ending struggle to make it happen. He takes seriously of responsibilities, be it whether it's a heavy ones such as his job, or not so significant ones such as being a good uncle to his nieces and nephews. Even when he felt that he CAN'T, he'll still try his best to surpass it. He believes in learning and continuously upgrading himself. He believes humans are the only perfect creatures in life, therefore there's no excuse on saying we aren't perfect. There is no limit to what we can achieve, as long as we do our best. 

And you know, all these things has caused him to feel tense. He's all stressed up deep inside him, as his mind is in a complete mess of worries and woes regarding his duties, his work, the things he hadn't done yet, the goals he hasn't achieved yet, the problems he needs solving, figuring the time he needs to spare on each one of his beloved ones to be fair to them, etc. He takes everything seriously. Too seriously, and it frustrates him when people can't be more like him. He even assumes spending time with his beloved family as some kind of a duty he needs to perform as a good son, some kind of a liability and responsibility such as an employee's duty towards the employer. Everything, even family, is considered as a responsibility that needs to be performed well. And he has this attitude of MUST-DO-HIS-BEST-TO-SATISFY-EVERYONE-AND-COMPLETES-EVERY-RESPONSIBILITIES.

A total opposite of me.

Of course, this kind of attitude has proven him good. He achieves a lot at such a young age, very talented, that he was able to earn such a high-ranking position at his workplace in only a year. The result of his hard-work ans seriousness was rewarding, there is no doubt in that. But tell me this. 

Is he genuinely happy and content by being the way he is now?

Life is too short. Sure, we should do our best in what we do. But the key-word here is balancing through everything. When you can't do it, don't push yourself too hard. Learn to put a barrier and help yourself out from sinking deeper into that hole. Strive your best, but know when to stop. Sure we have responsibilities. But instead of assuming them as a liability, see it as something.. Easy. Take it serious but eased through it at the same time. Learn to enjoy what you do rather than seeing it as some kind of a responsibility needed to be done. And loved ones aren't your job. They are there to give you the comforts from your daily stress, you gotta remember that.

And not everyone is capable of doing what you do. You need to learn that humans are born with different talents. Some are born to be a great artist. Some, good in organizing, while others in some other fields. Learn to respect that each one has their own principle they hold in life. It's okay to highlight, but don't push or expect them to change. Learn to take things easy. And don't be frustrated when they can't be you. They most probably have their own strength in some other things that you don't know about. Probably they do bad at work, but they are actually a good mother to their children. Probably they seemed rude, rebel a lot and talk back at you, but they do have a kind heart in helping others in need. You need to loosen up a little too. You can't expect everything to be perfect all the time. Learn to feel OKAY to be imperfect, don't stress too much about it. Take it easy. Only God and the Prophet is perfect, not us humans. We struggle to do our best, but learn to know your limit, learn to stop and know when you have had enough, and take some time out.

I wanted to tell him this so badly, but i think it isn't the right time just yet. Patience is the key.

But at the same time, some of the things he does in life has made me question about mine as well.

He achieves a lot in life. A black belt in Karate, has served in the marines voluntarily, has attended a karate competition in Russia, an excellent chef, currently taking classes for Silat, has the knowledge on a thousand things i hardly know about, knows everything regarding the KLIA, the airplanes, the schedules of flights, the locations and layouts of the place, etc. He currently holds the responsibilities of ensuring sales and maintaining performances for 3 big hotels under his wings. That's a super heavy responsibility. He told me that he genuinely feels that he can't take the pressure and fulfill the expectation that this job requires him to. But he had to do his best and make it happen one way or another, even if it has to do by force.

From how i see it, his employers are taking advantage on his capability, by moving every burden of work onto his shoulders, because they know he will do it without question or saying no. And at the same time, they earn more money by his hard work, as well as save a lot of money on salary. They would only have to hire and pay one person to do the job of.. perhaps 5 employees. That is crazy. He's HUMAN, not a ROBOT, you assholes!

And him being himself, he does his best anyway, although he knows its too much for him to handle.

Okay back to the part where it made me question my life. 

You know, learning more about him made me re-think my life. I mean, sure, i take things quite easily. But comparing to him, i've achieved nothing in life. I have nothing to show off or be proud of when it comes to my life. Yes, i accept how that works with me, but after learning about him, i began to feel a little, pathetic about myself. I'm practically not good in anything, and i have nothing to offer to other people. Makes me feel a pathetic when i think of it now.

And then i wonder, if he can push himself by learning a lot of things until he's good at it, then why can't i? I mean.. Well.. Why not, right? I don't really have to do everything like how he does it. Just focusing on something i can be good at, one step at a time is enough. I do have a lot of spare time at work. Why not use it to my advantage? At least i can learn somethings that i can show off to people, and earn a few skills, rather than doing nothing and achieving nothing. At least i can give it a shot. What's the worse that could happen, right?

 At least after i manage to be good at something he's not, i'll finally prove him that i, too, can achieve something in life (since i guess he'd looked down on me when i told him about how i view my life). Proving a point to him that i can be like him, and proving a point to myself that achieving is not that bad of a deal, and that i am able to achieve something too. I want to make him proud of me, but most importantly, i want to make me proud of myself. 

He really made me think, and yes, he managed to influence and made me re-think about how i view my life. Not necessarily have to be exactly like him tho, but just enough effort to change my life by achieving something he hasn't yet. Just to prove a point to him and myself that i can be successful too.

I thank him for that.

Right now, i want to learn about psychology. And hopefully master that field. Something that i've always wanted to learn since school. And maybe i shall start attending classes voluntarily, or book clubs. Being involve in a society voluntarily and not by force.

Not gonna tell him this yet. I don't want him to start judging me. Let it be a point proven to myself.

Please feel free to give me encouragement and motivations. I really don't want to leave this goal half-way like how i did with a lot of my previous goals.

Confession #004

To that someone who thinks he's just too good for anyone, and thinks that everyone beneath him is a piece of shit whom he treats like they don't have feelings nor heart.

I HATE YOU.

You know who you are. Ask yourself.

You claimed that everyone isn't perfect, and yet you have expected perfection from these people whom you see are beneath your standards or level. Those who doesn't do or go your way, you shit on them, spit on them and throw them away like they're a piece of trash without value. You claim that you can tolerate, but when something bad came up, instead of discussing maturely with them regarding that problem, you punish these people to your heart's content.

If you are one of these people, you sir, are an ASSHOLE.

Breaks Down

Have you ever experienced a situation where you're going through a rough time or day?

You were loaded with stress. Stress with a lot of problems. Your work, your family perhaps, your beloved better half, adding with complications with your work, worsened by your clients. Everything just went all wrong, but you did your best to stay as calm as possible, inhaling  a few lungful of air and taking a moment time out to get your head back straight, and back to dealing and putting everything back under control.

You did your best to control everything, to maintain your calmness when dealing with these problems, up until a point where finally things slowed down, and everything calms down with you. Everything was finally under control.

And all of a sudden, a few minutes after everything calmed down, everything just hits you like a ton of bricks to the face. Just out of a sudden, you broke down heavily in tears, without knowing why. Your brain, heart, mind and soul suddenlly got all exhausted and you burst to tears without reason. You cry, cry, and continue to cry as loud and hard as you could, letting everything out of your system. 

It happens in a snap, it ends just as fast as how it hits you.

Have you been through something like this?

Well i did.

Was my fault, giving out my heart in the open like that. I shouldnt have done that. I really shouldnt. 

That's a red-flag note for you nextime, nizt. He ain't worth your bloody time.

Soulmate Found.

I've forgotten what it felt like, to be in love.

It had been too long, and i can't even remember when was the last time i've experienced such genuine feeling like this. 

All my life, i've build walls around me, trying to avoid anyone from getting close to my heart, so that one day when he starts to hurt me nor disappoint me, i can just shoo him away without the slightest feeling of remorse. I live in defense of not getting hurt, and to do that, i do not love.

I am in control of my feeling. Me. No one can force me to love and i won't either. I've felt how painful it was to get hurt by someone i cared. I've seen and heard a lot of situations where loving a person will never be worth the effort and sacrifice. As lonely as it might be, my heart was for me and me alone. 

Was.

Yes, i have a lot of guy friends. I flirt with dozens of people, and i've even dated a few of them. I was in search of someone whom might be able to break me free from my own prison, and prove to me he is worth the pain. True enough, i've gone through a LOT of blind dates with these random guys, ask my family how it was for me. I kept sacrificing my precious, limited day offs just to spend time to get to know these guys, one guy after another.

None of them interests me. 

But not to be rude, of course, we live in a harmonious world where hypocrisy is essential to maintain the well-being of relations between us humans. Therefore, I put on a mask and pretended to be excited, pretending to smile and looked interested in what they have to say. To be honest, they BORE me to death. Some, even annoys me. It was always the same script with them; "Whatcha doing? Where do you come from? Where do you live? Do you study or work? Have you eaten? oh.. Okay. What's your job? Where do you work? oh.. I see. Can we chat? whatcha doing?" 

And there's always nothing interesting that they have to say about themselves. Having to reply the same questions a hundred times to a hundred of different people is a LOT OF WORK, it felt even more stressful to have to reply to these stupid boring messages than to do my own work. But i tried tolerating them, as a mean to get to know them better.

However usually after the dates, or even a few texts, i just decided to shut myself up and not to reply them as often anymore.

These dates after dates, hundreds of texts after texts, they finally EXHAUSTS me to the point where i just dont give a damn anymore. I was officially TIRED of searching, TIRED of finding and forcing something indefinite to take place in my life. so i eventually stop my search, my texts, my flirts, everything. It was a waste of money, and it was a complete waste of my time and energy.

Just when i've gave up searching nor hoping for any spark to ignite, one guy started to gain my interests. Genuine interest. True enough, he was one of a kind.

I can't remember how it went off, but it all started when i had playfully called him 'sweetheart' when replying him for the first time. He suddenly texted back, "Awh, that's so sweet of you."

A bonus there already. From that moment on, we began to text and get to know each other a little better. He told me about his job, his background, his dark past, almost everything. For the first time after a long time, i finally had this rare feeling of "hey-this-guy-isn't-that bad!"

He doesn't flirt around sexually. Never. He knows his boundaries with me as a lady and respects it well. His true intention was to get to know me better and gave me the chance to understand his life, not to flirt around like how the other guys did. He was truly different from the rest of the guys i've dated. There was pure sincerity in how he interacts with me; He was balancing on a fine line between friendship and love. Not too much flirting till i get annoyed, and not too much leaning towards the friendship zone either. It was just perfect.

That was when he just caught my heart. No, not horny, and not too gay either. Finally a decent man.

And learning more stuff about him just made my heart grow even fonder of him. He's not just decent, but also hardworking. No, not workaholic. He loves his family more than his life. But he's hardworking. He has a stable job at such a young age due to his charisma and potential, and holds two diplomas for hotel & tourism, and also culinary. He is able to carry heavy weight of responsibilities regarding his work and not complain too much about it except to do his very best. True, he has had a dark past. So do i. But according to him, it's the future that matters. Not the past. Whatever the past did to him nor me, it is up to us to change that for a better future.

A mature, responsible adult, despite looking so young.

And you know what? He finally won my heart. 

The best part is that, i won his too.

I told him about my effort and exhaustion of searching for just one person i that is worth my everything to focus on. I'm tired of giving attention to multiple different guys and having to text each one of them. True, my previous intention of doing so was so that i don't get hurt. But realizing that by doing such thing wont get me anywhere but exhausts me, i was beginning to abandon all hope.

Until i found him.

I told him this. I told him, i don't care whether he likes it or not, i have finally found him, someone i know is worth my time to focus on. Enough is enough. Whether he just wanted us to be just friends or more, i don't care. What matters is that i've finally found the person i have searched for my whole life. I told him this. Somehow he was strucked by my sincerety of accepting him completely in mine. He felt touched by this, and he replied that he felt the same way for me too, and that his search is over too. I wanted to focus on just him alone, and he wanted the same thing.

Everything that happens after that sweet acknowledgement was simply heaven.

Love does not work when it is one-sided. It has to be sincerely from both. And when that happens, the feeling we get afterwards are magical.

to love is to accept the person's full potential, advantages and disadvantages. Humans are far from perfection. He advised me, "my weakness is your strength, and your weakness is my strength. To be able to accept each other's strength and weaknesses is to complete each other."

I've forgotten how beautiful this feeling is.

Well, i am aware of the pain this relationship might put me through sooner or later. But to finally have someone to commit and be commited to, i don't feel so lost anymore. If he stays loving me, then it's all worth it. 

And this time, i am ready. Lord has answered my prayers, Thank you.

I really hope he is the one meant for me till death do us part. I don't want anyone else anymore, and i don't want to search anymore. I am already so tired of searching.. Let him be the last love for me and me the last love for him.

My soulmate is found.