2010: a year of change

Positive mindset. 2010 is a year of change

a year where i am officially an adult.

my favourite age. my favourite year.

And i'll make sure i'll leave eternal footprints of positive memoir within the year.

Here's the list.

1) Be a hardworking student and score at least 3.5

2) Be a better slave to Allah

3) Exercise every evening as a routine; (must reach 55kg by my next birthday)

4) Finish my novels and send them to be published

5) Get driving license and get used to drive cars

Okay ladies and gentlemen. 5 big goals to achieve within the year. deadline will be my birthday. my next 21st birthday that is. And when the time comes, we'll see the result. (^,^)

p/s: please let me be able to continuously motivate myself! there's only 5 goals to achieve within 365 days!

I suck.

I'm terrible. I suck. I really suck.

And i doubt on making changes this coming 2010.

Suck at becoming a helpful person.

Suck at studying.

Suck at love.

Suck at being grateful.

Suck at controlling my appetite.

Suck at making friends.

Suck at comforting friends.

Suck at trusting the right people.

Suck at being a good slave to god.

Suck at everything, i guess.

The only thing i think i'm good at is... Well... Lying. Pretending. Hurting people. Cursing. Playing the guitar. Writing novels. Hmm, what else?

Nah, i'm pretty much of a loser actually.

It's time to make some changes. Stop being sorry for myself. DO SOMETHING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

It's time to make a fucking I-Must-Do-These-Things-By-End-Of-2010 checklist.

A year that i have been waitting for.

Okay... this sucks. This really sucks.

I have no access to my favourite internet connection at home.

Although i'm currently struggling to take my license, that strange feelings of excitement that should accompany me had long fled my heart and soul.

Pendek cerita, sudah tawar hati.

I'm rushing to take my license under the name of responsibility and not just for fun anymore.

And next year, i'm going to step into adulthood. Which is pretty cool actually.

But the problem is that...

The package comes with a set of heavy responsibilities and heavier loads of ASSIGNMENTS.

Shit. No fun anymore.

Red Handed.

He's really a true writer.

A writer can always make up stories anytime, anywhere.

or in other words, bluffing.

He's a true writer alright. That's the positive way to look at this particular matter.

Because the negative way to look at it was;

He was caught lying.

RED HANDED. BY ME.

p/s: how darn pathetic and desperate can you be?

Welcome to Adulthood~

2010. I'm hoping to make changes within that year. Striving towards excellence.

Because it's the very year that i turn 21.

A number that qualifies you officially into adulthood.

And for that, i have to be more responsible not just to myself but also others. I'm not a kid anymore therefore i have to make sure i can do things without relying on people anymore, especially my parents.

and hopefully i'll manage to graduate, get a job, buy my own house, car, furnitures, stuffs, and get married as soon as possible.

God, i just can't wait to grow up fast!

p/s: i hate teenagehood. adulthood here i come~!

Death of an unknown neighbour.

There was a disturbing and shocking news today.

My..Erm... snobbish neighbour was found dead in his home today, about 2am by his wife.

How did i know? Because my mom heard the wife cried out and scream out loud when she found her husband was lying dead on the bed, in their master bedroom.

We have always called him 'Cicak Kubing' as he was really, really thin. Like skeleton thin.

We were told that that neighbour of ours had been really sick for a week. And today he died in his sleep.

I don't know what to say. Of course it was a bit shocking. but just a bit. Although we have been neighbors (as in LITERALLY next door neigbors) for 8 years, we hadn't actually gotten to know each other. Despite of my mom being really kind and helpful to comfort the wife and was first there when the discovery of his death happened, the wife didn't even remember my mom's name. But my mom remember hers.

That's one of the example of how snobbish and how 'unclose' we were with each other. They weren't friendly people. In fact they despise us, especially the dead husband. he thought it was like a bad luck to have malay neighbors next to them. And ironically the malay neighbor was the one that was there to help them when they were in trouble.

I don't feel any grief at all. In fact i think it's really interesting to be witnessing a real Chinese funeral happening right next to your home. And it's really interesting to know and witness someone you know died, and he lived right next door. I've never experience much deaths of people, especially of the ones i know.

But it's kinda shocking you know. You'll never know when your turn will be.

p/s: awwh! they put on curtains to block others from viewing the funeral! damn!

Deep hatred to a particular human.

I feel like i wanted to cry but there's no more tears left in me.

Or that i refused to let the tears fall down for an unworthy human.

I don't give a shit about a guy who doesn't love and care about me.

And i don't give a damn about people who just never bothered to care.

I have enough of getting hurt.

I hate you so much, you fucking asshole. I hope you'll die soon. I WISH for your death to come soon!

Die and rot in hell!!!

Fuck guys who think they're just too good for any women.

FUCK!

God, i just can't stand this fucking fury. It's burning!

I HATE HIM!!!! I HATE HIM LIKE SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!

FUCK HIM!

p/s: reader's discretion is advised.

checklist.

I love exploring new places.

I mean new cities.

Many things happened and i don't know where to start.

First, exam.

Second, i can't wait to get my license done.

Third, i LOVE walking while exploring new cities and shopping complexes even though my legs felt like it would come off my bones. It felt like exercising.

Fourth, I need to stay putting and loving myself more than other people; of which i mean by men.

Fifth, this FUCKING WEIGHT MUST BE REDUCED TO AT LEAST 20KG!

I'm really desperate. Like desperado desperate. I need to lose my fucking weight. I need to go thin. I can't stand it being fat like this.

Oh and another thing. i need to do something regarding my skin. it frequently grew ZITS all over em and it wont go away even though after i've tried MANY different types of face cleanser.

The final matter. Change my perspective, my view to more positive thinking and actually doing something good instead of complainning.

oh yeah. I need to shut my mouth more frequently. I just talked too much. Okay, i complained too much. I just hate my boring and pathetic life. oops, there i go again.

But its the fucking truth!

this will all be done. I'm sure of it! and it starts TODAY!!!

a secret you need to know about us writers.

Should i trust him? Should i? After all those fishy lies i smell from him?

Or was it really a lie after all? am i only being paranoid?

I know it's a lie. I know it. He's a writer, just like me. I know how a writer thinks. Writer create stories by making up lies. First of all it would be imaginary. Soon it grew into a real lie as write always feel desperate for people to really believe in order to give their all in understanding the writer's stories.

Writers, usually are a loner and do not have much friends and do not often socialize with people. That is why they love to write and prefer writing. For writers like us, writing is a tool to express ourselves, our emotions and our desire. Writing is a way we socialize.

The truth was that we are a bunch or lonely and pathetic group of people.

But sometimes... No, ALL the time. Most of the time, writers tend to take things overboard by creating stories not only by writing but by saying it out and convince it to people around them.

Professional writer@liar (*coughcough* eg: me!) will make sure their lies are good enough and the flaws were all invisible to others. but there are a lot of amateur writer-turn-to-liars that fails to cover the flaws. If you fail to cover them then people will know its a lie. When people find out the truth, things will get ugly. no one likes to be cheated. not even liars.

So this guy, he's a writer like me and we have involved each other deeply. I can't say we have known each other for ages because we just...well, kinda just met. but i've known a lot about him already. And we have this 'supposely' deep feelings towards each other of which i am desperately trying to avoid so i don't get hurt again.

And this damn writer guy.... I can sense and pick up on his lies. I am a professional. i know, and i think even anyone would notice his flaws in his story he told me. Not i'm starting to feel really suspicious over this dude. I'm not saying he's a liar, yet. But i'll be careful. I'll watch my back and make sure he i am prepared. I will notice his trap before he presented it to me. I'll make sure of that.

I just hope you're not actually lying, writer dude. Because i really don't want to hate you.

My kind of drugs.

i'd forgotten how good it feels like to write the old-school way.

The traditional way, you know?

The paper and pen way.

God, if i write on a piece of paper, i find it hard to stop. Its a feeling of ecstasy, a sense of satisfaction when you look at your own beautiful handwriting, and when you look at the empty paper that will finally be filled with your own writings.

Instead of when writing on multimedia paper (Microsoft word, duh~), i notice that the 'blockage of words and ideas' doesn't happen often when i write them on paper. And because of the addiction of writing on paper, i manage to wrote a whole over 60 books of scripts! Yeah, trust me, i did them. It all started when i was young. 11 years old, i think. And stopped at 17, due to SPM.

I manage to write the scripts continuously because of the passion and addiction when writing on paper. Seriously, i get addicted when writing stuff on paper.

But the problem now is that i need to write them back on the freakin' multimedia paper, and that work is TIRING and BORING. So i thought its better to just write them straight to the multimedia paper instead of on paper.

And soon the addiction was gone. Until i tried writing them back on paper today.

God, the addiction came rushing through my veins as if an ex-junkie took drugs again after stopping for dozens of years. God, it feels so good!

I love writing, and one of the reasons is PAPER and PEN.

I'll never be able to live without them.

Adults only. (reader's discretion is advised)

I hate threats.

Especially fucking ridiculous threats.

Threats such as "take good care of me okay? or else you'll lose me; a handsome guy that everyone is dying to have. it will be a pity and such a waste if you didn't manage to care for my feelings as i'm such a good looking guy. If you fail to care for my heart, perhaps one day i'll run away and find other girls to be with."

Handsome your ass.

You think you're the only guy i can tackle? Your statement made me nauseous! Urgh! You have NO idea how many guys that's dying to have ME!

Yeah, fuck you bastard. I have enough of your stupidity and i can't tolerate them anymore.

Go and find some bitches to be with, asshole. I don't give a damn. GOODBYE!

p/s: macam kau handsome sangat! nak muntah aku!

Glad's it's finally OVER!

Ok, honestly said.

I'm so pissed and unsatisfied with the marks given by the lecturer regarding my debate presentation. I mean, urgh! 71/100?! I can do way better than that!

Damn.

But it's just useless to regret. At least now i know how debate is being carried out. Remember, more statistics, evidence and examples idiot.

At least i'm finally done with the stupid assignments. Going to be done with the stupid exams next. After that i'm gonna do my license!

Not to mention writing down what the voices wanted me to do. I'm just glad that this sickening semester is finally over.

Remember! Next semester no more stupid mistakes like this!

p/s: License~~~~~~ (O,O)

These voices in my head, they're speaking to me.

I'm hearing voices in my head again.

And i'm loving every minute of it. Listening to 'them' talking is like being intoxicated of ecstasy. It calms me down, and it drives me to the very edge of satisfaction. It kept me sane, motivated, and looking forward in life.

Those voices, it drives depression away from me, or drives me away from depression. Any way can do.

I want to keep the voices whispering as long as i can, and lure the voices to get other voices to speak to me as well. The more voices i hear and the more longer it stays, the more sane i feel, for longer period of time.

It is an indescribable sense of pure honey of satisfaction. The sweet taste. I can barely taste them on my tongue. As if feeling a warm and tight bear hug from a huge person.

I'm loving every second.

I need to write their dialogues so i don't forget.

**** responsibilities. This is my life i'm talking about. The only thing that mattered is the thing that kept you going, something that you enjoy doing in life. You live only once. Sometimes irritating chores such as responsibility should be put aside to make way for your passion in life.

p/s: because in the end, only your happiness that truly mattered.

These visions are 'haunting' me

A pair of glowing eyes.

Tears running on his cheeks.

A grin of a creature with wings, hiding beneath the shadows.

A sword on the back of a loyal warrior, swears to protect to his last drop of blood.

Blades clashing.

Tears of a woman and a boy.

Man and Woman holding hands, locking their pair of eyes.

Another pair glanced at them with a frown and walk away from the scene.

Forbidden love.

Hypocrisy and conspiracy of the trustworthy.

A man standing with his back facing his master, with a sword in his grip, ready to assault the enemies that charge towards them.

A guy carrying his friend towards the battle field and attacks anyone or anything that tries to stop him from going further.

A scream of spirit, courage, and sacrifice.

A heavy rain, a pool of blood, and motionless body.

Endless tears.

p/s: Lol these are actually the ideas that had been hanging in my mind. I thought of writing them here so i dont forget.

Be a professional liar at least will you?!

I hate it when somebody lied to me.

It's OK to lie, as long as i DON'T KNOW the truth.

So please, if you want to lie to me about anything, it's not that i forbid you. You can. But please, i'm begging you pleaaaaasssssseeee don't ever let me find out or know the truth in any way!

A lie will not be a lie when the truth is hidden. AND STAYS HIDDEN.

I desperately want to believe in you. I seriously do. But you're not good at lying. Please, don't hurt me like this. If you never like me in the first place, you don't have to pretend you do. Spit it out, i really appreciate honesty.

But if you're going to lie, make sure the truth STAYS HIDDEN FROM ME.

Because i can't tolerate anymore foolishness of male species towards female kinds.

Just don't make me hate you, dear because things will get ugly when i do.

p/s: I'm serious. Don't ever mess with me.

Am i suffering from some disease??

Let me be honest with you.

There's something wrong with me. No. There's DEFINITELY something wrong with me.

I noticed that recently i fail to speak fluently, even in malay.

I often fail to find words and slow at arranging them into a clear and understandable sentence in order to get a particular messaged conveyed.

Recently I also stuttered a lot when speaking. Be it, malay or english.

My mind is getting slower at picking up everything. From understanding a simple speech or text, to generating vocabularies.

The worst part of them all was of course, the speaking part. Everytime i tried to explain something to someone, or even simply chatting, i always had to pause for a few times to think, rearrange and generate proper sentence and way to say them before i speak them out.

Because everytime i tried blurting them out fluently, it always end up a freakin' stutter and 'rojak, terabur, bersepah-sepah' kind of sentences. Which made me looking like a total idiot.

I don't know why. My brains just.... Starting to degrade i think. It's starting to work much slower, comprehend matters much slower, and slower and slower and slower. Everything seems to be working out slower than before.

My mind's not that 'rusty' kind of slow, but slow as if the gears in my brain was all covered with a very thick liquid that made them turning slower than before. All sticky as if a box of glue had drop on them.

What is wrong with me?!

me, a freak observer

Yesterday I was travelling home in the infamous KTM.

It was filled with people, as usual. Very, very crowded. Luckily i get to sit down or else i would be cursing all the way *(insert laughter here)*

On my right seat was this elderly woman, i think around her 50's. On my left seat was an elderly woman of the same age as well.

And during those packed and silent moment, i thought about these two women.

The one on my left, she wore literally a spaghetti! (the singlet-thingy) and she's around her 50's for heaven's sake. Her make up was terrible. Her cheeks looked bright puffed reddish as if it were smacked and bruised, not matching with her badly tanned skin. not to mentioned it looked like a bulldog's cheek. Her hair was undone, straight, jet black, and longer than mine. It goes to the level of her breast (which obviously shows with that type of clothing she wore, only that it lacks of 'elasticity'). I still remember saying to myself that she has a nice, body. Any men will fall for her if they looked at her from the back. However, from the front~ (insert bad-looking image here) you get the picture.

an immediate thought reached my mind; doesn't she ever feel embarrassed wearing that kind of clothing, at that kind of age?? with that make up??

On my right side, this woman wore a bit decent clothes than the one on my left. common t-shirt and knee-level shorts. But i cant help noticing her staring at her digital camera, browsing and looking at pictures of her going on a holiday with her family (i think). She made me question a lot to myself when she kept zooming each picture of her to see her face close-up. She also had A LOT of her picture taken although she looked old and.... Well.... Not that pretty. Old.

It made me wonder why. Doesn't she feel embarrassed of taking pictures with that old and not-so-beautiful look? and why did she kept zooming the picture to see her face close up? Did she actually felt proud of her own looks even though she looked old and not-so-pretty? or did she actually felt insecure of her own looks and was worried, was in search of any visible flaws? perhaps thats why she zoomed each of her picture?

Oh and one more thing. I can't take my eyes off this one particular guy. he looked like Azrul Raja Lawak, u know. His hair style, even his looks! well except that he's taller, and not chubby like Azrul of course. In fact, his body is tough-looking. but i noticed something weird. he looks so handsome.

But he wore fake glasses.

How can i tell? Fake glasses has reflection when light penetrates through them. Genuine glasses don't.

Gosh i observed and think a lot about people around me when i'm freakin' bored.

Colouring my blog (^^)

I love my the new look in my blog.

It's no more.... Dull looking. Lol.

It's dark, yet colourful, bright, and cheerful. Much more inviting to read 'em.

Don't you think so? (^^)

My lips are sealed.

Keeping secrets are hard.

Keeping your mouth shut and your wills caged behind bars are hard.

Not until i get the confirmation that it is genuinely true, my mouth will stay shut.

With locks, chains, zippers and all.

These male species, they never take female seriously huh?

Not until they realize they've lost them.

p/s: this includes you, Mr. Romantic. *Tapping fingers*