Still Searching~

T_T

Please accept my resume~

Please? anyone? hello?

*cricket sound~*

so lonely~ uhuhuhu~

Poem: Nizt

Dim, though light, on paths shone
Untread, yea, all but unknown
A beacon unsought, an idea unthought
But as though in a spider-web, caught
A sun and a moon, like the night in day
And a newly fallen star to show the way
A maze, twisted, fallen to straight
A truth, untested, a brave new fate

Written specially by:

Sammy Edward Cason Jr.

Written specially for:

Me. ^^

p/s: thank you so much sweetheart ^^

Floater

It's been a while since i last wrote in here.

I just don't have anything to say.

Still have no motivation to continue my story, nor find a job *sigh*

I need a push... Desperately.

My Ambition

You know... I have this strong envy everytime i hear this kind of conversation.

Person 1: Hey, long time i hadn't heard from ya. What are you doing now? Working somewhere?

Person 2: Nah, i'm writing a book now. Working on a novel.

Or

Person 2: I'm working on a script right now.

I wish i can say the same words. I wish i can do the same thing...

I want to write, but i've lost all hope and motivation.

I envy those people who works on what they love doing best. I want to live that kind of life as well. To just... Sit on a comfortable chair, facing the book or computer, around a comfortable space... And just... Pour out my mind, forming written words on that sheet of paper. Totally sunken deep in my own world, my own thoughts running active without a care in the world and simply lets the time flows by like water.

There was a period when i was in that state of mind. I ignored my friends, homeworks, classmates, teachers, everything... and sync deeply in my own thoughts, running them on scraps of papers. I was fueled and burn with passion, writing non-stop with my chest feels heavy as it was filled with total suspense. Could even barely stopped myself from writing.

I've experienced that moment, but it was a long time ago.

I missed it.

I'l be happy enough to live a simple life where my work is just finding inspiration to write, face the computer, and just write, write and write.

Can i have that?

The Road not Taken

I feel lost for a while.

I still am not sure which path to choose from here.

I still am not sure where to begin my first new step.

Please, Lord, give me a sign.

Planning the Future

Just feeling glad everything is where they are supposed to.

I just hope i don't have any UNWELCOME STALKER here in my blog.

Other than that, the day is all fine.

Need to line up future plans. My goal list is currently empty right now.

Best to Leave.

I've had enough.

I should've known it was a bad idea.

Before this matter goes even worse and out of hand, i best leave the place.

I just did what i did for the sake of not tainting their names, and they re-payed me with THIS.

Who knows what they'll do to me if i suddenly messed things up even more in the future?

They felt threatened and decided to do that to me just because i did what was right. I know they can do more damage to me in the future if i stay.

Even THIS has done pretty much damage to my dignity and name in front of the the others. I can't risk anymore damage to my family's name in the future.

I hate the place. Better find jobs closer to my home.

And most importantly, UNRELATED with anyone whom i know.

ESPECIALLY RELATIVES.

Lesson well learned

feeling stressed... extremely stressed and depressed.

problems have gotten out of hand.

to the level where relatives are nosing in as well.

i just want to end this. quit this job and find another one.

learned my lesson now, never to work with relatives again.

Summary of Updates

Haven't been writing for quite some time.

You know what? i finally got my baby nokia n9!!

And i'm happy with it too =P thanks sis for finding it for meh~

Hurm... A lot of weird and dramatic problems are happening around in my workplace tho.

What else? Well, i'm still the lonely but content old me.

I still don't have that feeling of pursuing men anymore.

No, i'm not gay. I just lost hope that's all. I don't have that eager feeling anymore.

And you know what? i'm starting to consider to change my looks or something. Look better, style better and stuff like that. I wanna give it a try.

But i'm still lazy to apply make ups. =_= its a pain in the ass to keep applying them with this hot weather, i feel like my face is smudged with thicker oil everytime i applied make ups.

*sigh* dreams? forget about them. I don't have it anymore.

I don't feel like being creative anymore.

All i see myself now is a single unit who works to get paid and live her empty life.

And enjoys the weekends and day offs to the max, by waking up late and staying home all day long.

My life right now is pretty much as the above.

Solitary Life

I noticed that i prefer a solitary life.

I know i complain at times about not having a big circle of friends,

Or that i don't have a boyfriend.

Or that i'm a lonely person.

But i've also noticed that somehow, i have stopped searching for friends nor boyfriends.

I don't go out dating nor flirting with guys anymore like i used to.

Even when there's an opportunity, i ignore them.

I've lost my faith in happiness, i think. That's why i just don't give a damn anymore.

I don't believe anyone would fall for someone like me.

I don't believe people can make me happy anymore.

But i believe objects will.

Only objects can.

THUS, NOKIA N9!

A curious question

You know what?

I have been asked many times at work these few days by my colleagues, out of curiosity. I don't know why.

"Do you actually like this job?"

And i am glad to be able to answer,

"Yes, in fact i actually do."

I won't deny that my new job is exhausting, plus, i haven't my own seat and space/cubicle since the office are already full of employees.

But i'm glad to finally be able to say that i really do...

Like my job.

Enjoy while you can!

I have decided that i will...

SPEND ALL THE MONEY!

lol~ i meant spending the money as in spending to buy my own things that i want instead of spending them in the name of liabilities like paying for house rent and stuff.

I worked hard to earn my pay, and i have the right to spend them to make myself happy.

Besides, i am still single and without much liabilities to handle.

I want to enjoy these first few years of my life first.

Enjoying spending my money within the flow of my own personal desire.

so yeah,

Let's SPEND ALL THE MONEHHHH!!! XD

Better.

I admit..

The stress in this new job is far more overwhelming than my last job.

But you know what?

Somehow, i am satisfied enough.

I want to learn how a company runs.

And i think i like THIS job better.

Reality filled with hurtful LIES.

I hate pretty girls.

I hate soft spoken girls.

I hate romantic couples who displays affection publicly

I hate romantic stories/videos/movies whether it is a true story or not.

I hate people who has a very good significant other, who really actually loves them and appreciates them.

I hate everything related to this. EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

Why?

Because if it doesn't happen to me, it DOESN'T EXIST.

Because all those represents lies. LIES.

And it represents FALSE HOPE.

Sure it happens, every once in a blue moon. But it certainly won't happen to me. Because it never had and it never will.

Yeah, i've LOST FAITH in them!

What? You think i'm wrong, buddy?

THEN PROVE-ME-WRONG.

I DARE YOU.

Surviving the Wilderness of Corporate vs School

I've faced the highschool teaching environment; teaching vocational students to be exact.

I've also faced the environment where i teach kindergarten and primary school kids.

I've experienced teaching environment for both categories for a few months although i know i really am not into teaching. After i gave it a go, i've realized that i just CAN'T endure teaching anymore.

But now is a little different. Sure, i'm not proud to admit how i really got this new job offer. But one thing is certain; i am here to experience a new kind of environment and gain certain skills before i really go out there in the 'wilderness'.

My new environment here is now a corporate environment.

My comment about this new environment? Well... I can say it's a different kind of stress than those i've faced during teaching times. When i was teaching, I can't even leave the classroom whenever i want, and i was responsible for the whole bunch of kids in the classroom. Dealing with people, especially sons and daughters of other people, sons and daughter of VARIOUS ages, are not the kind of stress and problem i can cope. I am not good in socializing, therefore i am not good in handling people. I mean, if we made mistakes in any way regarding handling these kids, the effect that will take its' toll to us are heavier. We have to face the parents of the kids, we have to take responsibility of the kids' behavior, manners, and everything we do will somehow influence the kids and shape them into what they will become in the future. Teachers are the role model for future lives of young humans, and to me, that is too much of a responsibility to handle. I don't like teaching, and i can't bear myself to ruin the lives of other people because of my indifference and ignorance of their future. (apart from hating to face the consequences of answering to the parents of the kids of course. kids nowadays don't respect teachers as much anymore you know.)

But in this new environment now, i'm experiencing handling documents instead of people. Sure, i have to entertain clients once in a while during meetings or making phone calls (the ONLY social contact needed for this job), but most of the time, i handle documents; arranging them, organizing them, making sure schedule goes as plan, recording minutes, doing reports, submitting them, organize meetings venues, etc. Handling documents and paperworks are okay to me, because paperworks doesn't have PARENTS and paperworks are not involved with facing the 1001 behaviors of people whose future depended on us in a way.

Yes, i admit there's stress in this work. I've only been working for the second day and the stress was completely overwhelming. I can finally feel the 'heat' of corporate stress when i followed my boss to attend a meeting of a project. I was just there to write down the issues, but i listened and tried to understand the issue at the same time. Hell, i can feel your pain, boss =_=" i was only a listener to the meeting on my 2nd day of work and i can already emphatize my boss's stress regarding handling the project.

But the stress was in a different way than the stress i've faced in my previous job. The current stress is more overwhelming, but somehow it's the kind of stress i've always been able to tolerate. This is the kind of stress where i rather and prefer to stay hungry and do my job continously until i finish it. It's the kind of stress where i am committed to tolerate to the level where i starve myself while doing the work and reward myself with food and leisure once i'm done.

It's the kind of stress i've always knew i can stand.

It's too early to judge, i know. I'm just stating my first impression towards this job. My personal impression might change again in another few months.

But so far, i think i can survive this. I THINK.

Summary of 2011

January - April

- Practicum at SMV Sg Buloh

- Learn to drive a car

- Travel back and forth to UNIHELL to discuss term paper

- Unforgettable experience and memories as a warden & teacher

- Found out bf cheated, broke up with him

May - August

- Finishing term paper

- Settling transcripts

- Coupled with a soldier

- Sending out resumes

- Attended a few interviews

- Bored at home as hell

- Depressed regarding the future

- Found out he's a pervert playboy and a cheater, broke up with him.

September - Early December

- First time working at COSMOTOTS iqd

- Experienced working with kids and could not handle the stress for long term

- Moved in with old friend in Cheras, first time renting far from family

- Graduated (convocation on 15 Oct)

- Argued with housemate for life, moved out for good

- Found out male best friend was a jerk, lose contact with him for good

- Resign job

- Attended another interview and got a new job

The rest of December

- Appreciating the last leisure time in comforts of home

- Super holiday 4 days straight

- Still thinking about what to do with my future

- Still no future plannings

- Crappy birthday

So there you have it. My summary of a crappy 2011. Most of the time spent was practicum, finishing the bloody term paper, attending interviews, working, resigned and got a new job.

Nothing special happened in 2011. I hope i can expect very good surprises out of 2o12, and make it a good memory i don't regret.

New Year resolution? I don't know.

Happy New Year, folks.

Scripting or Writing?

After reading a few english novels, i've realized something about myself, about my way of writing.

These writers, they write according to... I really don't know how to put it into words. I mean, they describe not just the settings or storyline, but also unnecessary details which are related to the scene that was happening in the part of the story. REALLY DETAILED details you know. They get the readers to understand every single thing by giving examples or describing information which relates to the message they are portraying.

That's when i realize, mine was utterly different. My way of writing is according to how people should watch in the movie. I tell only the stories they can see and imagine. I don't often tell the description of a character's feelings or thinking; the details which people wouldn't know or wouldn't be shown if you are watching a movie.

Why? well first of all, i don't like wasting my time telling all those, because i prefer the readers to have their own wild guess on empathizing the character's situation or feelings. I want them to think of what's going in actually and taunt them with curiosity. Second of all, i like the mystery of getting the readers to actually feel curious. If i inserted a lot of descriptions on this and that, then the readers will just read for the sake of reading.

And then i began to wonder, is my way of writing a novel... Normal? Is it ok for me to write this way? or is it wrong?

And then i began to realize the reason i wrote that way was because, i was too used of writing scripts during my teenage and childhood times that it influenced my way of writing when i'm writing novels as well.

I wrote scripts during my younger times because that's the only easiest way for a kid to get a story out of her head. Scripts don't need plenty details. Scripts just needed dialogues and movements or whatever description necessary to be shown in a movie. I don't need to put in a lot of detailed thinking or feelings of a character because the readers will do that on their own. They will guess and have their own judgements based on what they see from the movie.

So... Does this mean i actually have no talent to write novels whatsoever?

Does this means, my passion is not actually in writing novels or books, but writing scripts instead?

But bookstores don't sell scripts. They sell books and novels.

And my story is a fantasy genre, which is unlikely appropriate in the film industry in my country. If i'm going to propose my script to any movie producers, they will throw it in the thrash bin.

But when i write them in a novel as a book, it is too much of a script-like story rather than a true novel like how the other books are.

So... What is it that i should do now? What is my passion? is it writing novels or scripts?

And when will i finish this bloody fantasy novel of mine????!! >:(

It was a MISTAKE.

There are so many things i wanted to talk about, but i'm not sure where to start, where to begin.

But one thing is for sure.

I've tried, i really do. But now all i can see are mistakes.

I just can't imagine myself doing THAT job for even the next one year. I really can't.

Aside from the stressful rushing hours, no allocation of time and place for muslims to perform prayers, the environment filled with pork and huge rats, the all-female-domination-of-the-place, the ignorance of religion, the small salary, lonely, and the 'being-evaluated-everyday-and-must-perform-perfectly' work results, i just can't see myself doing that sort of thing.

Yes, i know. It has only been 3 and a half months. It's still too early for me to judge.

No, You-Are-Wrong.

3 and a half months are already LONG enough for me to judge that this job isn't suitable for me.

I mean, it's not that i can't teach. I actually can, no problem. You can ask me to teach and i will do it. I have no problem teaching.

The problem is that, teaching and GAIN their INTEREST in paying attention. That's my big problem; how to gain their attention.

The solution my dear kind colleagues taught me was to change my personality and be a more 'lively' and 'animated' person. It reduced me to dust the moment i heard them say "NO, you HAVE to LEARN to be lively."

I am lively... Only to my family members and to the closest friends who are very limited in my circle of life. But to judge me generally, i am not a lively person. Generally and naturally, i am a very, very, very passive, introvert and a quiet person who prefers to listen instead of talking, who prefers reading or chatting silently on the internet rather than talking and communicating face to face.

I am that kind of person and i am comfortable with the way i am, even if it serves me limited amount of friends.

And this teaching career is forcing me to become a person i am NOT.

Its not that i hate teaching. I just don't like teaching. Yes, that's one of the reason of me deciding that this job was a mistake. But people will say 'hey, having a job doesn't mean you have to like doing it.' Yes i agree.

And like i said, i don't like teaching but i CAN teach if it is necessary. Teaching is not a problem to me.

It's teaching with 'attitude'. That, my friend, is a huge problem for me because it contradicts totally with who i really am.

They wanted me to become who i am not and hate to be, and will never, ever be.

Therefore i have decided. Although i will be disappointing a lot of people with this decision, but it is final; i've tried, i really have tried but teaching career was a mistake.

I admit, being in this job helped enhance my english communication skills. But nevertheless, it was and still is a mistake. I can teach, but i can never teach with an attitude or being 'lively'. That is not me.

My dream is to actually publish my own novel or drama/movie, however i have always been imagining myself working in a corporate environment, ever since i was young. I swore to myself when i was a teen that i will never be a teacher because i know i can't. I've always imagined having my own cubicle, sitting quietly in it for hours, working silently (or pretending to work anyway), and taking short breaks anytime i wanted to, and being stressed in THAT kind of working environment. NEVER teaching.

In fact, i've even been wondering and considering to find the course where i will end up working in my own cubicle when i was taking my SPM. But i failed to find any because people thought of me being ridiculous to actually aim that low, and that they only serve 'big' courses like bio-chemistry, computer engineering and all that sorta stuff.

I know i was being ridiculous, but i don't know why i've always imagined myself having THAT sort of job and would prefer to, because that way, i will be able to just focus on my work and sit silently in my own cubicle without the need to really communicate that much with people. (not to mention the 'pretending to be working' part and will have more free time to actually do what i want as i can steal short breaks whenever i can)

Just kidding. I won't really do that, not often tho. I will do it, but only when i really need it.

I am an introvert, passive, and generally both naturally quiet, who prefers to sit quietly and do my own work instead of talking to people or communicating. Marketing and teaching is not my type of career.

It's more towards having my own cubicle and working in a real office. Yes, that is my type of working environment i feel closer, comfortable and more suitable to my personality.

Therefore i quit the teaching job and i don't regret a single minute of it.

I really hope this future job works out for me just fine.

Pray hard for me please :)

Self-Reminder

I know that i might not be a good person.

I'm a terrible sister, friend, colleague, daughter, employee, slave, etc...

I want to make things right. One at a time.

I know i might not be able to recite the verses fluently like other people who can...

But i want to try. And i want to finish it this time no matter what happens.

Because the last time i recited them, it gave me peace. Just that i was too full of ego to finish the whole thing in front of everyone else because i was ashamed if they found out i am a very slow and weak reciter.

Therefore tomorrow, Dear Allah, please remind me...

Remind me to stay home tomorrow, to perform prayers, to seek forgiveness, and to recite the Yaasin.

I want to. I want to finish it. Please do give me a boost for that tomorrow dear Allah.

Amin.

1st time experiencing car accident

memorable day ever!

Was just going to meet him for the first time, and was waiting for him to come down from his apartment when a car suddenly showed up in front of me.

i wanted to move the car to the left. i miscalculated the distance.

and u know, the car's right tire goes straight into the drain n got stuck there.

luckily it happened inside the police force's apartment area, so a few of them came down with him to help me.

tq so muchhhhh! although it leaves me a wrecked front bumper.

and lesson learned:

dont come near drains again. urgh!