BRING IT ON!

This semester is too 'heavy' for me despite only having 2 subjects to learn.

2 subjects within a month.

With additional Term Paper and the goddamn research.

And an additional of 3 months practical.

And assignments and presentations for the two subjects.

Plus exams.

And a series of endless lesson plans starting now.

I can't handle stress. I was so busy writing and finishing the research proposal that i stared in front of my laptop screen for 4 HOURS STRAIGHT.

Which leaves my eyes and brain to not completely function in the end. My eyes hurt, and my brain couldn't think of anything. It suddenly becomes blurred and empty, because there was too much of a heavy thinking done within 4 hours straight.

I have never done that kind of thing all my life. And it stresses me like HELL.

But what the heck, i'll torture myself to the limit if that's what it takes for me to turn completely insane. I'll drive myself nuts. I'll complete and write that stupid research and term paper and drive myself towards the path of insanity due to overload of stress. I'll torture myself no matter WHAT IT TAKES.

BRING IT ON!!!! BRING IT ON!!! I WILL SQUISH AND GET THEM DONE EVEN IF I SUFFER OF EXCEEDED STRESS BECAUSE OF THEM!!!

BRING THE GOD DAMN RESEARCH AND TERM PAPER ON!!!!

p/s: only 4 months left, 4 months, and i am soooo ENDING THIS!!!!

Stop reading my blog if you can't swallow what i wrote.

I don't know what else to say here.

I don't know whether to write public stuff or personal stuff of mine in this blog. I don't know anymore. Either way isn't the best of idea as there seems to be people reading this blog.

And by people, i mean people who judges me negatively everytime i write my personal feelings down here. I need to be more vigilant with how i write and what i write.

which to me is very excruciating and painstaking.

Because of those people, now i have to put a plastic, hypocritical face everytime i write. I have to write on what PLEASES them instead of what PLEASES me.

Because of those goddamn people, i have lost my freedom of speech and feel like i'm tied up behind iron bars, suffocating to my death.

Don't make me switch to indifferent mode.

Please don't make me care less of everything including myself.

Please stop judging me negatively.

Please STOP READING THIS BLOG IF YOU DON'T SEEM TO LIKE OR AGREE ON WHAT I WROTE. This is MY blog, where i pour in my PERSONAL feelings and opinions regarding chapters of events happened in my life, MY LIFE, not YOURS.

So if you can't respect that then please stop reading.

If you can. then just read and shut up. I don't need to listen to negative comments when my mind is already too messed up. (but positive comments or curiosity is ok.)

I just want my freedom of speech back again. GIVE IT BACK TO ME!

p/s: These entries on whether i curse and saying bad things are only temporary. I write to satisfy myself and to relief my anger and pain. I don't feel the same anymore like how i felt when i was writing a few hours after i wrote it. So don't JUDGE me negatively. My blog is where i put out my TEMPORARY anger and personal dissatisfaction regarding things i hate in my life, things that i wish i could change.

Die... Laughing?

I don't understand why my asthma attack is happening too frequently lately.

It's irritating, disturbing, and worrying.

I even dreamed of having an asthma attack due to excessive laughter and was only able to breathe like 10% of air to my lungs.

And it DID happen to me in reality. My asthma attack comes more frequent when i laughed too much than when i'm cold. It never happened before, my asthma problem RARELY gives problem to me in the past, even when i laughed like hell.

But now it does.

How if my cause of death is.... due to laughter?

OMG~ O.O

Two in one. To him who it may concerned, please kindly read this message because i have no credit to reply you.

To the person who have recently found my personal blog and might still be reading it:

I am sorry for those that i have written and i am sorry that i refuse to answer ur calls. It's because that i am already deeply wounded by your hurtful n painful words the other night and yes i know i deserve it and i am sorry. But to actually listen to your actual voice throwing those hurtful words to me is too unbearable. I rather not answer ur calls if all u wanna do is hurting me more until ur credit runs out.

Again, i'm sorry for those i have written but altho what i wrote was the truth, it changed nothing of my love towards you... Those 10 reasons changed nothing. The only thing that changed how i respect n love u is to finally know and see your true colour when you are angry.

You acted too childish and immature and you cursed and shouted at me instead of discussing things with me like a mature adult although i was wrong. (at least when i'm angry i never scold u harshly like u did and only shouted n cursed in my blog where you should never have found it in the first place instead of shouting n cursing in your face.)

I admit that i was wrong for comparing you with my ex, and judging like that. But those are the truth on how i felt specifically only at THAT time and NOT in the present. If you chose to hate me and leave me, i will respect your decision and follow how u want it. (because even after i tried so hard already to persuade you and apologized, u still hate me and attack me with those harsh n hurtful words.)

I am deeply sorry for those words and stuff i wrote about my feelings to u when i'm down. You can trust me that it will never happen again in the future.

Believe me, i still care although you don't. if you need anything or if u need me, do not hesitate to text or call me. You know how to reach me.

Blog entry for today:

Tomorrow is the most historical day for me.

The starting of the final semester, the final days of mine to spent with my friends and classmates.

It is a starting day of memories...

a start for a fresh beginning.

Emo~ Emo~ Emo~

After meeting him, i felt.... down.

Down AND emo.

Due to certain reasons...

1) The fact that he tried to 'show me off' to his ex whom he asked for a break up with previously

2) The fact that he seems... Too soft.

3) The fact that he just couldn't click with my sisters

4) The fact that he didnt bought me anything when we met -.-

5) The fact that i feel like he could just leave me anytime he wants after i heard the story about what happened between him and his previous ex-girls.

6) The fact that he lied to people about our true relation

7) The fact that he wasn't being such of a gentleman like my ex was.

8) The fact that he didnt tell any of his family members about me but i did

9) The fact that he seems.... like he has no future

10) The fact that he seems... Not willing to throw effort in stuff for his future.

There's a lot actually... a LOT. I can list them and it'll continue till tomorrow. But basically, these are the top 10 stuff that bothers me right now about him...

That made me feel so freaking down n emo.

i feel like killing myself.

relationships can go to hell. i'm better off single.

why does every relationship ive had, ended up with me suffering the entire way?

why does every relationship that i'd gave most my heart to ending up with me crying for being left n hurt by the other person?

n why do i get the blame everytime i tried to heal these pains by being the bad guy or being cold hearted towards guys?

why can't any of you understand?

Go FFFFF kill yourself, bastard!

That's just GREAT.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Another heart break. Another F*****G HEARTBREAK.

After giving me hopes and thinking he's the FFFFFF one, he blew them on my face by admitting that he DOESN'T INTEND TO FFFFF MARRY ME.

Why, you might ask? a brilliant question. You wanna know why???

Because i have a DEGREE and he DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH BUDGET TO MARRY A GIRL WITH A FFFFFFF DEGREE. Great excuse isn't it? great huh? the most BRILLIANT & EXELLENT EXCUSE EVER!

Then whats the point of loving me n being a couple with me????

Thanks for making me feel like a FFFF IDIOT. Thanks for giving me that hope and take it back and break them in front of eyes just to make sure it HURTS DEEP ENOUGH TO LEAVE A SCAR.

Thanks for being a DOUCHE-BAG. I'll make sure i get my FFFFF revenge u FFFFF bastard.

YOU-JUST-WAIT! i'll taunt your name and make sure you'll regret breaking up if me EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!

p/s: not all guys are ffff jerks, but MOST OF YOU GUYS ARE. That's it, i'm forever SINGLE FROM NOW ON!!!

waking up.

i still don't know if things will work out.

i hope it does. and i hope future will change for him too, and i mean changing through positive ways.

i desperately hope so.

the future for both of us seems clear but vague, seems possible but vain.

trying hard to change myself and accepting him in my life, trying to make a difference this time around. no more disloyalty, no more lies, no more fake identities.

I used to be some sort of a 'playgirl'. not anymore.

I used to have fake identities and lie to people... not anymore.

I want to stay loyal this time, since he loves me so much and accept me for who i am, what i am, and even how i am. He loves me for everything i am despite my negative sides.

thanks to abg fad, now ive decided to free myself from the virtual walls that has been caging me from truth.

thanks to my baby, now ive decided to stay loyal loving him and be with him for as long as i can. so far it is still hard for me to.. well.. u know... but i can, and i want to.

Future is surpising indeed.

p/s: i still can't refresh myself from the dizziness and high feeling of medication drugs i took after a long day.. SIGH!

Who exactly am i to you, my friend?

Sigh~ You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you only choose to spend time with me only when you are bored or when you need someone to talk to in order to share and pour out your sweet and bitter moments in your carrier as the new kedah state football player.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet the only thing you seemed to care is your carrier and rarely asks stuff about me and my life. You even condemned me when i told you about my deepest secret that had always been the poison in my life instead of comforting me with motivating n supportive words like how i always did when you need a lift of spirit when you're going to play for an important football match... Like how a friend should do.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you refuse to open up to me regarding personal problems and matters and personal happenings in your everyday life. You choose to act so formal with me as if i am one of your fanatic fans instead of a true friend.

Who exactly am i to you? am i your friend or am i just a tool for you to share stories regarding your cool, popular carrier? Maybe to you i am one of those important people in your life (especially becoming the only closest female friend he ever had), but sadly to me, you are not even close to a friend.

You act nothing like a friend of mine. You care nothing of me. You act so formal with me. Most of the things i remembered as long as we had been friends is listening to how your life (of which you were jobless in the past and had no means of working) and cool carrier has been for you instead of telling you about how my pathetic life, problem n future is going on.

And when i tried to tell them out to you, you pushed me away by acting so formal and awkward, and at times you even despised me that it hurts more than comforting.

Ahmad Shakir Bin Ali... Even after we have been friends for a quite a long time, your identity still remains a mystery to me, and i can never ever be able to figure you out.

p/s: FYI, that picture IS him.

Revealing the truth and put an end to it all.

It was hard for me to reveal the truth.

It was hard for me to go agaisnt the princip i have held for so many years.

as hard as a mother being forced to kill her children using her own hands.

Its THAT hard. But i did it anyway. I decided to end it because i care for my brother.

Because i want to contact him n be his 'brother' in real life.

Because i want to hang out with him and attend his seminars and chat with him n listen to his pep talk and advises by voice n not by text.

He's a great somebody, he's a great brother, a caring, wonderful n great brother.

And i don't wanna miss the chance of meeting him in person and talk to him in real life, to joke around with him n meet him up. I don't wanna miss that chance just because i lied n am using a fake identity.

I decided to take that risk because i care deeply for my brother, and because he cares deeply me. I don't have the heart to keep lying to someone as caring and wonderful as him. I want to contact him in real life n meet him in person as myself. The real me..

When i made that action, i felt guilty like hell that i can't stop crying. I was worried of how he will react. My heart was racing. It felt as if time moves too slow.

Suprisingly he didnt get mad. And shockingly and weird thing is that the first thing he asked when he called me for the first time was "Are you ok dik?"

I was so touched that i was literally speechless. Couldn't utter a single word n my tear dropped out of happiness. I was touched that he wasn't n doesn't sound mad at all. in fact he laughed and told me its okay. He convinced me that it was no big deal n he wasn't angry... (but i know deep inside he feels hurt and i am truly sorry for hurting him... I can never forgive myself.)

Finally, i get the chance to listen to his voice n talk to him instead of texting. And it was a blessing i can never ever repay him. It was a dream come true. Finally, FINALLY, i get to speak to him.

Its just a matter of time until i meet this great and wonderful guy in person. He is truly a somebody whom i look up to. I respect him, adore him, and idolize him with all my heart and soul for caring for me so much that he would still be willing to spend time for me although he was too busy n tired.

But those are before i told him the truth about me.

Now i hope, i REALLY hope that his love and care towards me will not change after i told him the truth. Maybe he won't be able to feel the same anymore.. I really hope that won't happen.

Because If he changes... If he stops caring for me just because he doesn't feel the same anymore due to the feelings of betrayal and hurt, i can't blame him for that.. I truly deserve it..

But i've risked telling him the truth so that we can be friends and true 'brothers' in real life.

If he truly change...

It will break my heart...

And that i have to accept it with an open heart... Tho it kills me...

I'm so sorry abg fad.. <=(

I hope we can, or are still brothers like we were, or still am.

I'm very sorry for hurting u.

EXAM i hate you!

I should be studying but... SIGH!

I hate exams. I hate it so, so, so much SIGH!

(i know i shouldn't be sighing but well SIGH~ i just couldn't resist it huhuh~ the sentence sounds better with a sigh LOL.)

I got this GREAT IDEA popping in my head when i was doing the laundry in the toilet. And i can't wait to write a short story about it. This precious moment doesn't happen very often, in fact, it RARELY happens. So when it does, i should be heading straight to my room and write about it like crazy!

The only thing that is stopping me is this freaking EXAM!

So please, exam, be gone!! BE GONE I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE BE GONE!!!!

p/s: now i sound like a freaking mental patient escapee hahah!

What does it actually means when a guy do these to a girl?

Sigh... He's playing 'tarik tali' with me.

His tone when speaking indicates that he has no feelings for me and just treated me as a friend he cares for.

But then, why wouldn't he text any other girls except me? i mean, he has a LOT of fans out there, let alone now that he has become a celebrity. He admitted he enjoyed the attention, but he still choose to text only me. The only female he cared to text up to the point where he ask his lil brother to inform me about his scores and games when he is playing.

If he doesnt have any feelings for me, he wouldn't even care to do that. He promised me that he will inform me everytime he enters a football match, and he will inform me of his scores and experienced in the field.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he would have 'layan' all the other fans; much prettier, wittier girls out there who are far better than me in every single way.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he won't text me when he is bored. as in like finding me, literally FINDING ME, instead of texting any other fans of his.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wont have waited all night long for my birthday message and eventually called me the next morning to see if i have forgotten (of which i did forgot)

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wouldn't need to listen to me when i asked him to eat something, and fulfilled his promise to eat 2 slice of bread before bed.

If he doesn't have feelings for me, he won't be finding ME to share about his excitement and disappointment each time when he won or lose a football match.

He showed as if he really cares and treated me so special amongst the other girls who were willing to 'berebut' just for the sake of getting his freaking sweaty jersey everytime he won a match. Only me. The only female friend. His only good female friend that gets special treatment.

He treats me so special ever since before he became popular and even more special after he became a celebrity.

But the only thing that doesn't fit is that the way his body language is speaking to me; it translates that he doesn't have any sort of feelings or jealousy when i talked to him about these other two guys who were chasing after me and literally advised me stuff about whether to accept any of them or not.

But... For someone like him, (a celebrity of which girls are dying to lay their hands on) giving someone like me (a fat, ugly girl who is a nobody) a special treatment? Giving me the privilege that no other girl in his life could get?

Now what does that suppose to mean then?

p/s: his gf had long passed away, and i know deep inside he still loves her. maybe thats what makes him shutting his heart out from girls, but why did he let only ME in the first place? sigh, he is driving me nuts!

Single is better.

I've got a spark of idea after i'd watched the most boring movie ever; Wallstreet.

It's about a mysterious guy who refuse to expose his identity, even his face, had been helping a stranger out to win the heart of his beloved one as well as to sort his life one step at a time.

Can't wait to write again.

And i've just found out the most devastating news ever...

I don't know if i ever dare to give my heart to anyone anymore. Single is the way of life, no one to hurt, won't get hurt either. I can spend my money n my life like how i want without any restraints. No more tears. The three guys can just get the hell out of my heart, i'm not sharing it with anyone except me alone.

p/s: wth am i craping about here haih...

Conflict with 3 men

3 guys in my life. 3 guys that mattered to me, and that loves me. Well, actually its just 2. 1 of the three only cares me as a friend.

a tailor for VIPS and famous artists, (a year younger than me)

a mere pastry chef of a restaurant, (a year older than me)

a state celebrity football player. (same age as me)

Different conflicts with different guys. All of them cares for me but...

I appreciate the tailor's sacrifice for me. But.. I tried, i really tried but i just don't share the same feelings he has for me. I tried so hard.

And I think i'm starting to fall for the pastry chef.

And i think i have always had feelings for the football player ever since we first know each other.

Let's just wait until the day i meet this mysterious pastry chef, and then i will confirm whether he is the one i choose to be with or not. He has all the qualities i've dreamed of in a guy, and he is willing to change for my sake. Most importantly, he listens to me. And i mean both ways. The only con with him rite now is that i still haven't meet him yet.

About the football player? i'll wait. And wait.. And wait.. Untill he has his own girlfriend maybe, and then only i'll give up on him.

But in the meantime, i will decide about relationships AFTER i've met the pastry chef.

And i hope he won't disappoint me. I really hope so.

Am i loving him or is it just the stupid hormone crap?

i think i've fallen in love...

Or i just THOUGHT that i've fallen in love?

but he's soooo damn cute and i have been trying to get his attention since i first know him, ever since before i know how he looked like in real.

and he acted so cool with me, treating me as only a friend. An important friend, but still, just a mere friend and nothing else. When i tried asking him about having any girlfriends, he answered me so calm, telling me that it never crossed his mind, and ask me why, as if like there's no 'in-between-feelings'.

He's a freaking celebrity now and i've learned not to held hopes on anyone or even loving anyone. Someone like him won't even look at someone like me with only an eye.

But then... why did he thanked me so much as if he really appreciate me texting him, wanting me to accompany him, and the most important part is...

giving a kiss to me in the text? (eg: thanks so much for accompanying me tonite, take care ya, emuah... salam..)

he is a guy who doesnt flirt with any girls, especially girls like me. someone like him will not ever do such thing if he only cares for that person as a friend. he isnt a guy with jokes, he's a serious guy. a serious guy who doesnt like to flirt and being flirted. Friends like that, who dont have feelings with the other wont do that rite?

So does that mean he.... Does has at least a bit of feelings to me too?

p/s: Just randomly crapping.

Sick, sick, sick again.

I don't understand why recently my stomach is giving such problems like diarrhoea.

This is like the 4th or 5th time maybe for me to experience stomach aches.

Stomach bloating, nausea, stomach feeling gassy, and difficulty to do bladder.

I don't recall anything different regarding my eating pattern, and i definitely drink plenty of water.

What went wrong?

crapping~

why can't i have some of this?

why can't i have some of that?

sticking to the addiction.

not even trying to re-live the passion i once had.

just going with the flow, where destiny takes me.

not planning on anything big, no dreams, nothing.

envious with people who knows what they want and going for it. while i don't.

because...

because i am afraid of failure to sink the pain of failing if i did try.

so better not try at all, so we don't experience failures. my motto.

looking forward for the next chapter of my life; working life.

i'm looking forward.

Fever is a blessing (^,^)

Fever, sore throat, unusually weak body, feels as if my body has only 10% amount of energy left within.

Everytime i swallowed those ridiculous amount of pills, my body trembled like crazy that i can't sleep at all. My whole body shuddered as if i was inside a refrigerator.

Everytime i walked, i feel as if my body could just collapse anytime. My head was spinning, and i felt like i was walking like a drunken man.

Sore body, coughed like a million times till my head suffers an unbearable pain that it feels like exploding number of times.

I literally felt my eyeballs were drowning in boiling water, and that i can fry an egg on my forehead.

It has been quite a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since i last suffered of fever. I don't remember how fever feels like. People hate being sick.

But ironically i feel very thankful for getting this sudden illness after a loooooooong time.

Cuz it proves that God still loves me. (^.^)

Now!

It's time to make a change, starting with myself and my own life.

It's time to make a change.

NOW.

Time, please stop ticking~

Pending assignments waiting to be done. They (my assignments) keep staring at my face and tapping their fingers, feeling so ticked off that i have not touched them yet. And The mid-sem break is going to end in another 2 days.

I don't know... I am not in a good condition to do anything at all, not even watching tv and have a chillax moment. I know i need to get back on my feet but i don't know when yet.

I thought of trying to write again, trying to distract my mind by writing novels and short stories again but i still can't. It seems like my interest in writing has long faded.

I don't know my own goals in life anymore. I dont want to become a teacher, i am not interested in studying anymore, i am not interested in finding a new bf whatsoever anymore too, i am not interested in socializing with new people anymore, and i am not even interested in writing anymore which used to be my passion to die for once.

I don't know what i want. I don't plan my future anymore and i don't know what will become of me. *sigh*~

I feel like running far, far, far away to a place where time seem to stop ticking, and give me the space and time to think and handle myself properly.

I feel like i am going mental and experiencing 'tekanan jiwa' already...

Time just moves too fast.