Reflecting 2010.

It's a bit.. sad.. Really..

Because this year (2010), i couldn't celebrate mom's birthday officially with cakes and candles. As if like there's no birthday celebration for her.

And this year, is the important year whereby i turn 21, the most important birthday of my life. And sadly yet, there was no official celebration with cakes and candles for me either. No official celebration with my family, and no listening to my mom crying (or something like that) to witness that her first child has actually grown into an adult, the very first child of hers whom turn into an adult.

Even more sad is that, this year (2010), we found out about the things my dad hide from us that really had upset mom. And he did it twice.

Another sad part, or yet the most extreme sad event that occurred this year (2010), is when grandpa fell down and had his 2nd stroke, which caused him to strain his back and (maybe) paralysed from the waist down, which caused my mom having to take care of him including watching his father in law's dick and balls, change his diapers, clean after his piss and shits, bath him, and everything else.

Whats even more sad than the extreme part this year (2010) is that none of the siblings are willing to take turn to take care of their own dad (even my own dad, his son), and gave many excuses to escape from their responsibility, therefore leaving mom forced to handle the heavy burden alone on her shoulders, without anyone willing to help her.

Which then cause her to be stressed, moody, sulky, unhappy and grumpy at most times. Which then, cause her children (us) to feel as if they had lost her.

We missed the old her who screams our name early in the morning to wake us up so that we can eat breakfast at the mamak restaurant.

We missed the old her who tickles us out of the blue.

We missed her smiles and laughter. We missed her sincere and pure happiness.

And we hate it that she turned all sort of negative things now just because of this stupid grandpa problem that SHE needs to handle ALONE.

We just want our old mom back. And i won't mind to do whatever it takes to get the old her back, even if she wanted to divorce or run away and rent somewhere else far from dad and his family. If that's what will makes her happy then i am all 100% supportive of it.

Another sad thing this year (2010) is that, i am all alone again when facing an important event. All alone during New Year. It's sad to witness that this UNIHELL is going to be all dark, silent and lonely tonight, as most of the other students have gone back home to celebrate new year with their beloved ones. And here i am all alone inside this dark, silent, and lonely place.

I can't recall much of any good or improvement that happens to me this year. The only good memories or improvement i could remember (which i consider as important) for 2o10 was:

1) Learned to play guitar

2) Friends at college wish and sing happy birthday song for me.

3) Met my dream guy who truly loves me and made me a whole.

As for number 3), i really hope that we will last. I really feel, and want him to be the one for me for the rest of my life, and i have not regret knowing him.

Wishing for 2011 will be a better year, and a year where i start my new adulthood, independent life and my own carrier (and hopefully my own family/marriage).

Get lost 2010, and welcome 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

Empty

I'm not ready to go for my practical.

I'm not ready to face all those secondary school students and become a teacher.

I want to face the next phase in life, but i'm not ready to face the consequences. I don't have experience in anything and my real life is just about to begin.

I don't have dreams and goals to achieve in life. Its all zero.

I don't know what i want in life. I keep wanting objects i can keep rather than having a goal i need to achieve.

My dream, my previous dream of writing a novel and script, turned to ashes. The dreams are gone now, because i don't trust that i can do it anymore. It is all hopeless now.

I have nothing to live for and life feels empty indeed.

I want to enter the next phase in life, but i am just not yet ready for anything at all.

How come?

Last night, my mom got something very expensive from dad, just out of the blue.

Before this, he suddenly gave her a diamond ring. (Hell yeah expensive~!), and last night, he bought her a silver diamond watch (which is also hell expensive.)

He's like that sometimes. When he's in a really good mood, he'll buy her something out of the blue, or he'll buy her stuff she wants when he's trying to 'bodek' her.

I'm happy for her of course, except that, then, i couldn't help myself from thinking that....

He always buy his wife nice expensive things that she wants at times, when he got the money and when he's in good mood.

But how come he never buys his children anything nice and expensive that they want, when he got the money and when he's in good mood?

Aren't his children part of his family too?

And what really makes me feel sick to the stomach is that, instead of buying his children things they need or want that is expensive once in a while when he has the money, he told his children to buy the things themselves using their own money, or worse...

He told his children to buy from him.

He always buys his wife nice and expensive things when he got the money and when he's in good mood. But how come he never buys his children anything at all?

I just can't help myself think of this.

Just shut up, me.

At times, or most of the time, i feel i spoke too much.

Spoke too much as in saying-things-that-hurts-people-and-brings-me-trouble kind of much.

And i hate when that happens.

That's why in class or with my friends, i prefer being the quiet one, i prefer not to expose the real me too much. Because i don't want them to hate me and i'll lose the friends i have which is already limited in amount.

Because i too, hate myself when i become myself.

I prefer being the 'me' around my friends and not the 'me' around my family.

But i don't know why its hard for me to do just that.

Things are just a bit tough for now.

Family-sort-of-problems, in addition of the tests, final exams and assignments, and term papers and practical that i need to accomplish in a limited time.

I feel like... Running away and never ever come back.

Like i said, things are a bit tough for now.

Only for now... I hope..

I desperately hope.

What is wrong with me...?

I don't understand why today i felt so weak and sleepy.

My feet hurts when i walk, even when i don't wear heels.

And i've slept too often today, as in like, i've continually steal a few short hours or minutes of naps throughout the whole day; when i was in class, when i got back from class, and when i got back again from class.

And i don't understand why recently i ate double the amount of food i usually took. From 1 serving, to 2 servings.

And this morning, something freaky happened to me.

I couldn't clutch my right fist tight enough to hold the pencil and write. I couldn't write.

I don't understand why recently my body is failing me.

I need energy, but i have eaten twice the amount of food. Its impossible to say i lack of energy when i ate 2 servings of food per meal.

Then why did i felt so weak, and sleepy till my feet hurts to walk? specifically to say, my right leg hurts when i walk, including both feet.

Ok, now i'm starting to see, my right leg hurts when walking, my right fist couldn't clutch tightly.

What does that tells you?

Thank you all!

The moment the clock struck 12, i wasn't happy at all.

Yes i was waiting, but i wasn't happy.

Not because of getting older, no. I'm proud being older.

At the moment when the clock struck 12, i cried.

Yes, i celebrate the first minute and second of officially being 21, by crying and drowning myself with tears of depression.

Why you may ask?

Because i felt so lonely.

It was my most special moment ever, (i don't turn 21 everyday, and this day only comes once a year) but there was nobody around me. No one to sing me happy birthday, no cakes, no celebration. None of my friends (except him) have waited for 12am and be the first to wish me.

My 12am moment of being 21 was lonely, and being far away from my family, and with no celebration...

Therefore i cried my eyes out to sleep. (plus having an asthma attack)

But next morning, my friends wished me face to face, one of them even gave me a present!

And they acknowledge my special day and try their best to make it seems special for me.

And since maxis gave free calls for birthday present, i called him all day long. (^_^)

Thanks to everyone for wishing me my birthday. (including over 30+++ birthday wish in my fb from various or people, including those whom has never even say hi to me >_<)

Thanks to umi for singing and wishing me happy birthday early in the morning which woke me up lol~

And most of all...

Thanks to my dear for listening to me and trying to comfort me all the way when i cried out of loneliness. Love you so much baby <:')

Finally 21!

Today is my 21st birthday, which to me is the most important birthdate ever. Because it celebrates the official beginning or adulthood. When you are 21, people will start looking at you as an adult, as a person capable of living his/her own life independently.

When you ask a person "How old are you?" and he or she answered "21." Sure enough you won't be having this thought in you head of that person being an immature kid.

When a person said he is 21, or 22, (eg: my brother is 22 years old. My sister is 21 years old), you will immediately thought that this person have a carrier, and is ready for marriage. You will have this idea of that person isn't an immature school kid, but an adult you can trust to accompany, take care, educate, or lead younger people. When somebody told you he or she has a 21 or 22 year old brother/sister, tell me what is the first thing going through your mind about that particular brother/sister of his/her?

That's what makes this birthday so important. its the official beginning of changing people's assumption towards you. You are no longer the school kid, or the teenager, or the kid from some college still studying. I am no longer a school kid, a teenager, or a kid from some college and still studying.

I am 21 years old and I will have a carrier.

I am 21 years old and I am ready to move on to the next phase of challenge in life.

Ready for commitment in my work, ready for commitment in marriage, nor raising children.

Ready to face the next big thing. And i can't wait.

BRING IT ON!

p/s: nextime when people ask me am i working or studying, i wont have to answer "i'm 19 and still studying in the university." instead, i can answer "I am 22 and working at ......." LOL~

I hate them so much.

If i were her, i would have lost my mind. I wouldn't be soft-hearted just so that they can make me their slave. I feel very impressed with her patience for tolerating those 3 *TOOT*, but i also feel angry for the those 3 *TOOT* enslaving her like that.

Not only those three *TOOT*, but also their other family members who refuse to take responsibility and running away from them, thus leaving the burden for her to face alone.

Not only enslaving her, but enslaving her daughter(s) as well.

Haven't she suffered enough by tolerating just ONE of the family member?

Why must make her suffer for all THREE at the same time?

And why can't the other family members who are supposed, SUPPOSED, to be responsible for that to take over the responsibility instead?

And why must that *TOOT* old *TOOT* must order her and her daughter(s) here and there?

Why cant that *TOOT old *TOOT* do it herself?

When will that 'person' be healed and manage to get back on his feet again?

When will the two *TOOT* be leaving us alone?

when will the two *TOOT stop bothering, torturing, and enslaving us, especially her???

WHEN WILL YOU LEAVE?????!!!!!!!

p/s: please i'm begging you to just LEAVE us alone already!

Listen to me dear.

You may not be prince charming.

You may not have the perfect looks.

You may not have the perfect personality.

You may not have what it takes to be a perfect leader.

But no matter what, i will always stand by you.

I will always be there for you when you need me.

I will always help to guide you when you are lost.

You may not be the perfect man for me, my dear.

But no matter what, i will never give up on you.

I will never leave your side, but it depends on you and your effort to make the change of yourself and your future possible.

No matter what, i will never, ever give up on you.

Breathe, breathe, breathe!

There's just too much things to accomplish within these few days.

Too many things, till at times i feel like i wanna scream and pause the time for a while to let me fill my suffocating lungs with fresh, cool air. Breathe in, and exhale.

Too many things to accomplish in a limited amount of time.

And my most feared occurrence is that i failed to finish everything in time.

Why can't i just die already.. *sigh*~

Disatisfaction!

4 people using the same goddamn toilet just because I put in the 'paip getah' inside that bloody toilet.

And among those stupid 4 people, not even ONE of them care to clean the stupid bloody toilet and rather use it until the toilet is DAMN FFFFFFF DIRTY.

It was ME who provide them with that 'paip getah' untill 4 out of 6 people use the same toilet, and i repeat, NOT EVEN ONE CARES TO CLEAN THAT TOILET AND RATHER USE IT TILL ITS BLOODY DIRTY.

AND STILL USING IT!!!

And now it only depends on me to buy the bloody TOILET BRUSH AND CLEAN THE STUPID TOILET I PROVIDED AN ADVANTAGE FOR, FOR THEM!!!!

FFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

@$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!

Listing again~

Short term goals for now:

>Get that mp230 edifier speaker model as my birthday present

>Create a passport

>Vacation in Singapore!

>Driving License

>Tests

>Endless presentations/assignments

>Practical at school (teacher)

>Finding a job

I can't wait to go another step further to experience life. Working life, marriage life and family life awaits me! (That is if i ever get married.)

p/s: i feel like running away from everyone and everything right now.

21st birthday is coooomiiiiiinggggg!!!

I still don't know what i should plan on getting or doing on my 21st birthday.

21st birthday is supposed to be a special celebration; because its the celebration of the beginning of adulthood.

But i'm not sure on how to make that day special. (because the stupid birthday falls under a day where i got CLASS TO ATTEND~ =_=")

The only birthday gift i could think of right now are external speakers and headphones. (because i need them, and i should find expensive ones too LOL.)

But it doesn't seemed special enough... hmmm~ a key locket for a necklace? or a bracelet?

Nah~ i never like wearing jewelries or accessories all my life. I prefer electronic devices, or gadgets. I'm a gadget freak. But the problem is, gadgets are always too expensive to buy.

Celebration huh? hurmmm~

How about... Going to someplace special, as in going for a vacation somewhere far from home, or going to fun theme parks such as sunway lagoon, or genting highland? Fraser hill? Cameron highland perhaps? YA! BUKIT TINGGI!!! :P

And we celebrate my birthday there, by buying a cake and sit somewhere and sing the birthday song and eat cakes! :P

Can i, can i, can i??? pweettyyy pweaaaaseeee~?

p/s: Not forgetting, to celebrate my special 21st birthday with 'him' too... -.- you better not make me angry and argue with u neither make me cry on my 21st birthday!

Broken hearted..

I better focus on that stupid term paper & my assignments and presentations.

And focusing on my wishlist.

Spending your effort, money, time and love is so much worth it with objects than with people.

Because objects can't disappoint you, can't hurt you, can't break your heart and most of all...

Objects can't make you cry.

p/s: Specifically to THAT person; thanks for hurting me so much..

Thanks for cheering me up :P

He made me smile, and he made me sooooo happy that i smiled so wideeeeee :D

He made me forgot about my stress and worries regarding my term paper~

He showed me my birthday present~ weeeeee!!!!!! :DDDD

He's so, so, so sweet....

Love u so much baby! >-(^,^)-< *hugs!!*

p/s: can't wait to meet u dear :P

FFFFFFFF STRESSSSSSS!!!!!

God... This is so freaking stressful!

WTF is theoretical bases??

How am i going to finish this stupid term paper without knowing any theories??

STUCK AT THEORETICAL BASES!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!

JH XAWYKG Y HB JBJQWXBNQWNZ L:KQMI WYGN SVUGHJAV SGXZHF BJ!KW!!!!!!!!!!!!

STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

My birthday is coming.

And guess what? i might be celebrating my MOST IMPORTANT 21st BIRTHDAY EVER all alone in my hostel.

WITH CLASS TO ATTEND!

That is just plain sick. SICK, i tell you. Its my 21st birthday for god sake! my birthday only comes once a year! and its the most important birthday of all time! its the birthday which celebrates my official beginning of adulthood which i am looking forward to!

I CAN'T celebrate my 21st birthday miserably and pathetically by being stuck in the middle of nowhere with non of my family members around!

I-CAN'T-STAY-HERE-ON-MY-21ST BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

p/s: i'm going crazy due to the term paper, so pardon me for freaking out.

Please save me..

Please take me away from here.

I hate this place... I need to be somewhere else..

I need to distract my mind.

Please save me from here and take me far, far away.

Feeling so lonely down here... Too lonely... And i can't stop crying..

Please take me far, far away..

Please save me..

BRING IT ON!

This semester is too 'heavy' for me despite only having 2 subjects to learn.

2 subjects within a month.

With additional Term Paper and the goddamn research.

And an additional of 3 months practical.

And assignments and presentations for the two subjects.

Plus exams.

And a series of endless lesson plans starting now.

I can't handle stress. I was so busy writing and finishing the research proposal that i stared in front of my laptop screen for 4 HOURS STRAIGHT.

Which leaves my eyes and brain to not completely function in the end. My eyes hurt, and my brain couldn't think of anything. It suddenly becomes blurred and empty, because there was too much of a heavy thinking done within 4 hours straight.

I have never done that kind of thing all my life. And it stresses me like HELL.

But what the heck, i'll torture myself to the limit if that's what it takes for me to turn completely insane. I'll drive myself nuts. I'll complete and write that stupid research and term paper and drive myself towards the path of insanity due to overload of stress. I'll torture myself no matter WHAT IT TAKES.

BRING IT ON!!!! BRING IT ON!!! I WILL SQUISH AND GET THEM DONE EVEN IF I SUFFER OF EXCEEDED STRESS BECAUSE OF THEM!!!

BRING THE GOD DAMN RESEARCH AND TERM PAPER ON!!!!

p/s: only 4 months left, 4 months, and i am soooo ENDING THIS!!!!