a secret you need to know about us writers.

Should i trust him? Should i? After all those fishy lies i smell from him?

Or was it really a lie after all? am i only being paranoid?

I know it's a lie. I know it. He's a writer, just like me. I know how a writer thinks. Writer create stories by making up lies. First of all it would be imaginary. Soon it grew into a real lie as write always feel desperate for people to really believe in order to give their all in understanding the writer's stories.

Writers, usually are a loner and do not have much friends and do not often socialize with people. That is why they love to write and prefer writing. For writers like us, writing is a tool to express ourselves, our emotions and our desire. Writing is a way we socialize.

The truth was that we are a bunch or lonely and pathetic group of people.

But sometimes... No, ALL the time. Most of the time, writers tend to take things overboard by creating stories not only by writing but by saying it out and convince it to people around them.

Professional writer@liar (*coughcough* eg: me!) will make sure their lies are good enough and the flaws were all invisible to others. but there are a lot of amateur writer-turn-to-liars that fails to cover the flaws. If you fail to cover them then people will know its a lie. When people find out the truth, things will get ugly. no one likes to be cheated. not even liars.

So this guy, he's a writer like me and we have involved each other deeply. I can't say we have known each other for ages because we just...well, kinda just met. but i've known a lot about him already. And we have this 'supposely' deep feelings towards each other of which i am desperately trying to avoid so i don't get hurt again.

And this damn writer guy.... I can sense and pick up on his lies. I am a professional. i know, and i think even anyone would notice his flaws in his story he told me. Not i'm starting to feel really suspicious over this dude. I'm not saying he's a liar, yet. But i'll be careful. I'll watch my back and make sure he i am prepared. I will notice his trap before he presented it to me. I'll make sure of that.

I just hope you're not actually lying, writer dude. Because i really don't want to hate you.

My kind of drugs.

i'd forgotten how good it feels like to write the old-school way.

The traditional way, you know?

The paper and pen way.

God, if i write on a piece of paper, i find it hard to stop. Its a feeling of ecstasy, a sense of satisfaction when you look at your own beautiful handwriting, and when you look at the empty paper that will finally be filled with your own writings.

Instead of when writing on multimedia paper (Microsoft word, duh~), i notice that the 'blockage of words and ideas' doesn't happen often when i write them on paper. And because of the addiction of writing on paper, i manage to wrote a whole over 60 books of scripts! Yeah, trust me, i did them. It all started when i was young. 11 years old, i think. And stopped at 17, due to SPM.

I manage to write the scripts continuously because of the passion and addiction when writing on paper. Seriously, i get addicted when writing stuff on paper.

But the problem now is that i need to write them back on the freakin' multimedia paper, and that work is TIRING and BORING. So i thought its better to just write them straight to the multimedia paper instead of on paper.

And soon the addiction was gone. Until i tried writing them back on paper today.

God, the addiction came rushing through my veins as if an ex-junkie took drugs again after stopping for dozens of years. God, it feels so good!

I love writing, and one of the reasons is PAPER and PEN.

I'll never be able to live without them.

Adults only. (reader's discretion is advised)

I hate threats.

Especially fucking ridiculous threats.

Threats such as "take good care of me okay? or else you'll lose me; a handsome guy that everyone is dying to have. it will be a pity and such a waste if you didn't manage to care for my feelings as i'm such a good looking guy. If you fail to care for my heart, perhaps one day i'll run away and find other girls to be with."

Handsome your ass.

You think you're the only guy i can tackle? Your statement made me nauseous! Urgh! You have NO idea how many guys that's dying to have ME!

Yeah, fuck you bastard. I have enough of your stupidity and i can't tolerate them anymore.

Go and find some bitches to be with, asshole. I don't give a damn. GOODBYE!

p/s: macam kau handsome sangat! nak muntah aku!

Glad's it's finally OVER!

Ok, honestly said.

I'm so pissed and unsatisfied with the marks given by the lecturer regarding my debate presentation. I mean, urgh! 71/100?! I can do way better than that!

Damn.

But it's just useless to regret. At least now i know how debate is being carried out. Remember, more statistics, evidence and examples idiot.

At least i'm finally done with the stupid assignments. Going to be done with the stupid exams next. After that i'm gonna do my license!

Not to mention writing down what the voices wanted me to do. I'm just glad that this sickening semester is finally over.

Remember! Next semester no more stupid mistakes like this!

p/s: License~~~~~~ (O,O)

These voices in my head, they're speaking to me.

I'm hearing voices in my head again.

And i'm loving every minute of it. Listening to 'them' talking is like being intoxicated of ecstasy. It calms me down, and it drives me to the very edge of satisfaction. It kept me sane, motivated, and looking forward in life.

Those voices, it drives depression away from me, or drives me away from depression. Any way can do.

I want to keep the voices whispering as long as i can, and lure the voices to get other voices to speak to me as well. The more voices i hear and the more longer it stays, the more sane i feel, for longer period of time.

It is an indescribable sense of pure honey of satisfaction. The sweet taste. I can barely taste them on my tongue. As if feeling a warm and tight bear hug from a huge person.

I'm loving every second.

I need to write their dialogues so i don't forget.

**** responsibilities. This is my life i'm talking about. The only thing that mattered is the thing that kept you going, something that you enjoy doing in life. You live only once. Sometimes irritating chores such as responsibility should be put aside to make way for your passion in life.

p/s: because in the end, only your happiness that truly mattered.

These visions are 'haunting' me

A pair of glowing eyes.

Tears running on his cheeks.

A grin of a creature with wings, hiding beneath the shadows.

A sword on the back of a loyal warrior, swears to protect to his last drop of blood.

Blades clashing.

Tears of a woman and a boy.

Man and Woman holding hands, locking their pair of eyes.

Another pair glanced at them with a frown and walk away from the scene.

Forbidden love.

Hypocrisy and conspiracy of the trustworthy.

A man standing with his back facing his master, with a sword in his grip, ready to assault the enemies that charge towards them.

A guy carrying his friend towards the battle field and attacks anyone or anything that tries to stop him from going further.

A scream of spirit, courage, and sacrifice.

A heavy rain, a pool of blood, and motionless body.

Endless tears.

p/s: Lol these are actually the ideas that had been hanging in my mind. I thought of writing them here so i dont forget.

Be a professional liar at least will you?!

I hate it when somebody lied to me.

It's OK to lie, as long as i DON'T KNOW the truth.

So please, if you want to lie to me about anything, it's not that i forbid you. You can. But please, i'm begging you pleaaaaasssssseeee don't ever let me find out or know the truth in any way!

A lie will not be a lie when the truth is hidden. AND STAYS HIDDEN.

I desperately want to believe in you. I seriously do. But you're not good at lying. Please, don't hurt me like this. If you never like me in the first place, you don't have to pretend you do. Spit it out, i really appreciate honesty.

But if you're going to lie, make sure the truth STAYS HIDDEN FROM ME.

Because i can't tolerate anymore foolishness of male species towards female kinds.

Just don't make me hate you, dear because things will get ugly when i do.

p/s: I'm serious. Don't ever mess with me.

Am i suffering from some disease??

Let me be honest with you.

There's something wrong with me. No. There's DEFINITELY something wrong with me.

I noticed that recently i fail to speak fluently, even in malay.

I often fail to find words and slow at arranging them into a clear and understandable sentence in order to get a particular messaged conveyed.

Recently I also stuttered a lot when speaking. Be it, malay or english.

My mind is getting slower at picking up everything. From understanding a simple speech or text, to generating vocabularies.

The worst part of them all was of course, the speaking part. Everytime i tried to explain something to someone, or even simply chatting, i always had to pause for a few times to think, rearrange and generate proper sentence and way to say them before i speak them out.

Because everytime i tried blurting them out fluently, it always end up a freakin' stutter and 'rojak, terabur, bersepah-sepah' kind of sentences. Which made me looking like a total idiot.

I don't know why. My brains just.... Starting to degrade i think. It's starting to work much slower, comprehend matters much slower, and slower and slower and slower. Everything seems to be working out slower than before.

My mind's not that 'rusty' kind of slow, but slow as if the gears in my brain was all covered with a very thick liquid that made them turning slower than before. All sticky as if a box of glue had drop on them.

What is wrong with me?!

me, a freak observer

Yesterday I was travelling home in the infamous KTM.

It was filled with people, as usual. Very, very crowded. Luckily i get to sit down or else i would be cursing all the way *(insert laughter here)*

On my right seat was this elderly woman, i think around her 50's. On my left seat was an elderly woman of the same age as well.

And during those packed and silent moment, i thought about these two women.

The one on my left, she wore literally a spaghetti! (the singlet-thingy) and she's around her 50's for heaven's sake. Her make up was terrible. Her cheeks looked bright puffed reddish as if it were smacked and bruised, not matching with her badly tanned skin. not to mentioned it looked like a bulldog's cheek. Her hair was undone, straight, jet black, and longer than mine. It goes to the level of her breast (which obviously shows with that type of clothing she wore, only that it lacks of 'elasticity'). I still remember saying to myself that she has a nice, body. Any men will fall for her if they looked at her from the back. However, from the front~ (insert bad-looking image here) you get the picture.

an immediate thought reached my mind; doesn't she ever feel embarrassed wearing that kind of clothing, at that kind of age?? with that make up??

On my right side, this woman wore a bit decent clothes than the one on my left. common t-shirt and knee-level shorts. But i cant help noticing her staring at her digital camera, browsing and looking at pictures of her going on a holiday with her family (i think). She made me question a lot to myself when she kept zooming each picture of her to see her face close-up. She also had A LOT of her picture taken although she looked old and.... Well.... Not that pretty. Old.

It made me wonder why. Doesn't she feel embarrassed of taking pictures with that old and not-so-beautiful look? and why did she kept zooming the picture to see her face close up? Did she actually felt proud of her own looks even though she looked old and not-so-pretty? or did she actually felt insecure of her own looks and was worried, was in search of any visible flaws? perhaps thats why she zoomed each of her picture?

Oh and one more thing. I can't take my eyes off this one particular guy. he looked like Azrul Raja Lawak, u know. His hair style, even his looks! well except that he's taller, and not chubby like Azrul of course. In fact, his body is tough-looking. but i noticed something weird. he looks so handsome.

But he wore fake glasses.

How can i tell? Fake glasses has reflection when light penetrates through them. Genuine glasses don't.

Gosh i observed and think a lot about people around me when i'm freakin' bored.

Colouring my blog (^^)

I love my the new look in my blog.

It's no more.... Dull looking. Lol.

It's dark, yet colourful, bright, and cheerful. Much more inviting to read 'em.

Don't you think so? (^^)

My lips are sealed.

Keeping secrets are hard.

Keeping your mouth shut and your wills caged behind bars are hard.

Not until i get the confirmation that it is genuinely true, my mouth will stay shut.

With locks, chains, zippers and all.

These male species, they never take female seriously huh?

Not until they realize they've lost them.

p/s: this includes you, Mr. Romantic. *Tapping fingers*

I don't care, and perhaps never will.

Guys in my life come and go.

They never stay.

Somehow they'll just disappear one day. Sometimes without reason.

And i just never feel bothered to care. If you need me, come find me. I'm not going to go looking for you like a pathetic desperado.

Which is why.... I can never stay loyal in a relationship.

I'm sick of getting hurt.

You're just too sweet, my dear.

He's super sweet. Super romantic. And i'm talking serious crap here.

Like, seriously. He's the guy with the red rose (or teddy bears), with the sweet words that made your heart melt like a chocolate under the sun, that made your knees weakened.

The guy that never gets bored to surprise you with gifts in any form just so he'll able to see you smile.

The guy that will always make you laugh.

The guy that will protect you from harm, and willing to die because of you.

The guy that will wrap you tight in his warm arms and tell you that you will be safe in his care, that everything is gonna be alright.

The guy that will stare at you lovingly and smile to your every silly mistake.

The guy that worries when you're sick and will never leave your side.

The guy that will catch each drop of your tears and comfort you when you feel hurt.

The guy that shares your responsibility with him, and believes in doing everything together.

The guy that puts you as his first priority and himself, second.

The guy that believes in marriage, and wants to build a family with you

The guy that will always love and forgive you no matter what you do, and stay with you no matter what happens, he will always be there for you.

The guy that will stay with you, and will do literally ANYTHING for you just to make you feel happy.

The guy that will never, ever hurt you.

The guy that sincerely loves you just for who you are.

He's your man, and i won his heart in my palm.

Too romantic perhaps.

Sometimes romance shouldn't be taken overboard.

Because sometimes it sickens me.

p/s: i'm really sorry dear. but i still DO appreciate everything you did. It's... Too sweet.

Feel way better. Don't ruin my mood.

Finally. I feel much better now.

Thanks to 'Flushed Away'.

I just need to watch comedies and have a laugh whenever these stresses are bothering my freakin' head.

I feel much better. Way better.

And please, stop asking me about my damn studies or assignments because i'll just start to freakin' curse again. Those are the cause of my stress and i don't wanna hear anything about it. i don't even wanna HEAR the word or anything RELATED to the freakin' matter so please.

Ask about something else.

I repeat! DO NOT ASK or even MENTION about my studies or ANYTHING THAT RELATES TO THAT PARTICULAR MATTER. <-- (Please take note!)

Or else you'll ruin my good mood. You don't want that to happen. Trust me. it won't be pretty.

p/s: More comedy please!!! (^^)

Please. Just shut up, girl.

Everything seems wrong when i'm trying to let out my feelings, my anger, my fury, these heavy load of stress above my shoulders. Everything seems fucking wrong.

When i look into the mirror, i see a pathetic, fucking fat girl who has no life. A fat girl. And i hate her. i hate her to the bottom of my heart, i swear i hate her.

Die, you fucking fat bitch.

Everytime i let them out, there will always be people mocking me, judging me. It seems as if i no longer have a place to tell all my problems, and to... just... listen to me.

Those people. They never understand. All they do is giving solutions. Telling me to be patient, to pray, to be patient, to pray, blah blah blah.

God, i just want a moment of silence and cry them out for heaven's sake. i just want you to listen, and to understand. not to mock me. You don't have to speak. I just want you to listen.

Perhaps i needed some space of my own. Just trap myself inside this box and never ever let anyone enter. Trapping all my cries and pathetic curses inside me. perhaps i need to start keeping secrets. I don't need them to judge me and mocking me, enough is enough. I hate myself, enough said. I don't need you to make me hating myself and people around me even more.

Nobody understands. perhaps i just need to shut up rather than talk too much.

Yes, perhaps that's what i should do. I talk too much. I complain too much. This time let me just sink them inside me and torment me slowly. Let these fucking 'insects' eat me to crumbles. Continue living inside this endless hypocrisy of life. They will never understand me. They'll never know who i truly am.

Perhaps i need to shut up now.

Yes. i'll do just that. Amen.

p/s: I hate crying, it hurts my head a lot.

No, he's not the one.

i thought i've probably met the guy i can trully 'trust'. You know, the prince charming, the knight on the white horse blah blah blah~

But yeah~ everyone's not perfect.

And i think i can't accept his kind of imperfection. i can't live with it, i'm sorry.

who's next in line?

NEXT!!!

The 'dark' side of mine~

Sometimes i wonder.

No, i wonder about this EVERYDAY.

How does it feels like to lose one's mind?

To lose one's sanity?

How does it feels like to lose control?

How does it feels like to hurt yourself? Torture yourself? to jump off a building?

How does it feels like to be mentally ill?

I often wonder about these things, you know. Negative stuff. Killing. Dying. Tragedy. I've always wondered about matters like these since i was still an innocent child. Seriously. When i looked at the top of any tall buildings, my mind will imagine a body falling from that top of the building, smashing his/her head to the ground. Splattered brain.

When i'm at a tall place myself, i will imagine how would it be to jump and fall down from that height.

My favourite, yet most feared tragedy would be dying in a car crash. I always imagined myself in a car crash whenever i'm riding on a vehicle.

When it's rainning, i would imagine someone being struck by lightning.

And then i ponder for a while; me, thinking all these freaking violence and negative stuff, does that makes me a pathetic person in real life? Does that makes me an emo?

I don't think so.

I only think and write that way. But seriously, outside in reality, i can never be much more happier. In reality, i portray myself as a cheerful person who's able to control and take control of her own life. I can do anything if i WANT to.

People might look at me as somebody who (literally) complains a lot but will still get things done fast, fast, fast. I don't like problems. I hate procrastinating. When i have problems, or even desire, i get them achieved and done, and settled ASAP.

Which is probably why people tend to look at me as a cheerful, happy, problem and stress-free person. I tend to channel the stress into writing.

Sometimes i just hate being happy. Because there's nothing i can talk neither share about with people.

Deep inside i'm still that little kid who's freakin' obsessed with all sorts of negativity. And i will still 'see' people jumping and falling off from top of buildings whenever i see them.

p/s: My ex-bf seemed really bothered when i told him about this dark side of mine.

I hope you understand.

There was one time; I remembered he was lying on the couch, relaxing while watching TV. Then I climb upstairs to fetch something. His eyes tailed me. When I was about to disappear from his sight, he asked

“You’re not gonna talk to me, are you?”

I can sense stinging of sadness in his voice, as if he feels really disappointed that I rarely speak to him anymore. I told him I was only going to take some stuff from upstairs, not that I don’t want to talk to him. But deep inside, I knew that he guessed them right.

Its not that I don’t want him to be with me anymore, I just….. I don’t feel like talking to him. I just want to look at him and having him to accompany me wherever I go, but not to talk to me.

I just wanna see him smile rather than talking to me. I'm really sorry. (T_T)

I really hope you'll understand.

The wrath of literature's blockage~

Ignore me, ignore what i said.

Ok, i lied. Don't ignore me.

I lied again. Ignore me.

I just don't know what to think of anymore.

These damn last-minute-given-assignments is making me sick.

What's making things all worse is that i'm currently experiencing writer's idea blockage.

I feel sick. Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick.

p/s: I need to watch a lot of good movies and read a lot of good books, darn it.

Losing confidence in my own passion *cry*

I hate it when i'm obsessed with other people's artworks instead of mine

Why can't i become obsessed with MY OWN piece of work?

Why must i think mine as a junk? as a useless piece of crap that others never take for granted?

Why can't i have creative ideas like them?

My artwork SUCKS!!! *banging my head to the wall*

Hubungan Suami Isteri --> PLS READ!

This fact is true.

And i hope the muslim guys will understand this and change their way of thinking towards us females.

READ THIS --> Hubungan Suami Isteri!

I want to apologize officially to EVERYONE

today i've met someone i know well. I know him really well.

And i.... 'lied' to him about something unavoidable and private.

After that he started saying something else.

Those things he said... It hurt me a lot.

Not because he tease me or something, but he said something that shows his determination regarding the lie i told him about.

He really believes 'it'. and i felt really, really bad.

But revealing the truth will make things much worse.

I just hope you'll forgive. In fact, i hope everyone i hurt and lie to would be able to forgive me without them knowing the truth. I feel so bad. So... soo bad.

p/s: (T~T) i feel like crying when i hear what that man said to me.

A message to myself --> Start 'CLEANING'!

There's too much going inside my head.

Due to too much reading. (fiction stuff *coughcough*)

If my mind is a bedroom, i bet it looks like a horrible mess as if a tornado had an overnight stay.

You get the picture. Right?

There's too much stuff going on in my head. Too much.

And i just don't know where to start 'cleaning' them and where to 'put' the right 'things' at the right 'place'. (if ya know what i mean.)

Each time i wanna start 'cleaning' the messy 'bedroom', i will have to search for the right music to work with it. I 'clean' with music as a 'theme' to tune and set the right mood in.

Now the music is on. (in fact i got 2 theme songs for this 'spring cleaning session')

And.... The music has been playing.... For several weeks now.

And .... There's still no (ANY) sort of 'cleaning' progress going on yet. (T.T)

Its not that i don't wanna start 'cleaning' them, its just that i have a lot of other much more important things to do in my life!

Such as.... Checking my mail and surfing the net? XD

Lol kidding. such as EXAMS, and ASSIGNMENTS and LACKING OF SLEEP (due to checking emails and surfing the net lmao~ XD)

Darkie, i hope you can bear waitting for me to clean you up a'ight? i promise i will. Just that its not now. Oh and please don't kill the music. Let it play.

I don't want the 'mood' to die.

p/s: Zack, stop bothering with my mood! i can't be thinking about you all day in my life! Gimme a break! i'm already freakin' in love with you! Isn't that enough?? *pull his spiky hair and hit his head while he groans* lol~

I want him to stay. At least for now.

I begged him once, "Please don't ever leave me."

He looked me in the eye and smiled tenderly. "I'll stay as long as you remember me, and I'll leave when you no longer need me."

I smiled back and hugged him tight, feeling really safe.

And in a slow voice, i can hear him whisper under his breath, "I know you will soon forget about me. When that time comes, i'll walk away with a smile, knowing that you've finally found a reason to beam and i'll disappear as if i have never existed. But don't worry. When you need me, i will always come back for you."

He's right. I know deep inside my heart that he will disappear from my memories one day. His presence is only temporary.

I just hope the time isn't now.

Because right now, i need him with me, and i need him really bad.

how to lose weight?? does anyone know???

Seriously, i need to start doing something to lose weight here.

A son of my mom's friend manage to lose weight. He look so different!!

If he can, i can too!

i just need to know how (T_T)

God gave me a miracle.

A few days ago things looked gloomy.

i was 'subconsciously' sinking into stress-mode of which i can actually handle but refuse to.

Everything that came out from me was only the negative stuff.

Until yesterday and today, a miracle happened.

I just posted my psp for sale for RM750 and a few hours later a man called me. He said he wanted to buy the PSP right there and then. I was like. "WHAT??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???" and he said like 'hell yeah i'm damn-right serious'.

He came to my house. MY HOUSE, a few hours after he called me, paid me RM740 for my psp and business was settled. I just cant believe my baby zack (psp) had finally left me for good.

And it was just hard to believe that i finally got my money back from buying that psp! it was seriously like a miracle, and it happened so fast! I wonder why would that guy buy from me when he can straight away buying the psp cheaper from other people. But i suddenly thought "God is at work here." Oh God! Thank you!

And this gives me the opportunity to buy a new cellphone! and again, thanks to god, i manage to choose and own the most 'fittest' cellphone for me! i mean the cellphone is really, extremely perfect! It was as if God knows what i want and he give it to me right in front of my eyes!

It was like this. I have a goal; to lose 20kg. So i thought of doing some exercised but i fail to engage myself in any physical activity.

Ok, and suddenly today i encounter the most coolest cellphone that has a fitness device in it. It counts every step u take and the distance you've walked or run, and it counts how many calories have u burn. WOW!!! Just what i need!

God, thanks so much for cheering me up. (T,T) i feel really grateful.

Things just work smoothly these days.

screw up

I screwed up my muet paper.

I totally screwed up.

My mind was a complete blank when i stared at the complicated text. Everything was blurry. I fail to understand anything. Had a hard time answering.

And my mind was flying to slumber land when i was doing the listening test.

I felt terrible. I felt like a total ass.

my brain was filled with disturbing thoughts of exams, assignments, my future and "what-the-hell-am-i-doing-here-in-the-1st-place" questions.

I was lost of words. totally lost and blank.

I seriously screw up this time. I just can't take it any more.

sick, sick, sick.

i'm sick. i feel sick. sick. sick. sick.

I want a new cellphone.

I want a driving license (or able to drive at least.)

I want to continue writing about Darkness.

I want to lose weight.

I want home.

and i want them so bad right now.

pissed

We finish them, they pile them back.

We finish them again, they pile them back again.

I'm tired. TIRED!!!!

If only i could drive and have my own vehicle (T_T) i would run far away from this terrible place and never, ever come back!!!

stupid weight!

Allright i have enough!

Its time to make some changes!

20KG must GO AWAY from my body!!!!!

AARGHHHHH!

p/s: just pissed when i found out i gained weight.

Deja Vu

my life seems as if it has passed it's turning point.

And i'm starting my life from the bottom back again; when i have passion in writting, when i don't givadamn about boys, and when i was lonely, and pathetic.

Yes, deja vu it happened again.

I don't know why. It seems as if i have lost my guy friends. I mean like EVERYONE.

And i don't wanna care. Like i said, i just wanna write.

if they wanna come, they come.

fat = hate

There was one time when my chat friend asked me to mail my picture to him. I said ok and click on the picture folder.

As i was browsing for the best picture to send him, i noticed something.... That i find seriously, extremely irritating.

None of the pictures in my folder were good enough to send him.

I just noticed that i look extremely fat, and hideous.

When was the last time i took a picture of myself?

I don't remember. i bet it was a very long time ago.

Again, i repeat, i looked fat and ugly before, and even fatter and uglier now.

p/s: i just hate myself so much right now.