The 'dark' side of mine~

Sometimes i wonder.

No, i wonder about this EVERYDAY.

How does it feels like to lose one's mind?

To lose one's sanity?

How does it feels like to lose control?

How does it feels like to hurt yourself? Torture yourself? to jump off a building?

How does it feels like to be mentally ill?

I often wonder about these things, you know. Negative stuff. Killing. Dying. Tragedy. I've always wondered about matters like these since i was still an innocent child. Seriously. When i looked at the top of any tall buildings, my mind will imagine a body falling from that top of the building, smashing his/her head to the ground. Splattered brain.

When i'm at a tall place myself, i will imagine how would it be to jump and fall down from that height.

My favourite, yet most feared tragedy would be dying in a car crash. I always imagined myself in a car crash whenever i'm riding on a vehicle.

When it's rainning, i would imagine someone being struck by lightning.

And then i ponder for a while; me, thinking all these freaking violence and negative stuff, does that makes me a pathetic person in real life? Does that makes me an emo?

I don't think so.

I only think and write that way. But seriously, outside in reality, i can never be much more happier. In reality, i portray myself as a cheerful person who's able to control and take control of her own life. I can do anything if i WANT to.

People might look at me as somebody who (literally) complains a lot but will still get things done fast, fast, fast. I don't like problems. I hate procrastinating. When i have problems, or even desire, i get them achieved and done, and settled ASAP.

Which is probably why people tend to look at me as a cheerful, happy, problem and stress-free person. I tend to channel the stress into writing.

Sometimes i just hate being happy. Because there's nothing i can talk neither share about with people.

Deep inside i'm still that little kid who's freakin' obsessed with all sorts of negativity. And i will still 'see' people jumping and falling off from top of buildings whenever i see them.

p/s: My ex-bf seemed really bothered when i told him about this dark side of mine.