Reflecting 2010.

It's a bit.. sad.. Really..

Because this year (2010), i couldn't celebrate mom's birthday officially with cakes and candles. As if like there's no birthday celebration for her.

And this year, is the important year whereby i turn 21, the most important birthday of my life. And sadly yet, there was no official celebration with cakes and candles for me either. No official celebration with my family, and no listening to my mom crying (or something like that) to witness that her first child has actually grown into an adult, the very first child of hers whom turn into an adult.

Even more sad is that, this year (2010), we found out about the things my dad hide from us that really had upset mom. And he did it twice.

Another sad part, or yet the most extreme sad event that occurred this year (2010), is when grandpa fell down and had his 2nd stroke, which caused him to strain his back and (maybe) paralysed from the waist down, which caused my mom having to take care of him including watching his father in law's dick and balls, change his diapers, clean after his piss and shits, bath him, and everything else.

Whats even more sad than the extreme part this year (2010) is that none of the siblings are willing to take turn to take care of their own dad (even my own dad, his son), and gave many excuses to escape from their responsibility, therefore leaving mom forced to handle the heavy burden alone on her shoulders, without anyone willing to help her.

Which then cause her to be stressed, moody, sulky, unhappy and grumpy at most times. Which then, cause her children (us) to feel as if they had lost her.

We missed the old her who screams our name early in the morning to wake us up so that we can eat breakfast at the mamak restaurant.

We missed the old her who tickles us out of the blue.

We missed her smiles and laughter. We missed her sincere and pure happiness.

And we hate it that she turned all sort of negative things now just because of this stupid grandpa problem that SHE needs to handle ALONE.

We just want our old mom back. And i won't mind to do whatever it takes to get the old her back, even if she wanted to divorce or run away and rent somewhere else far from dad and his family. If that's what will makes her happy then i am all 100% supportive of it.

Another sad thing this year (2010) is that, i am all alone again when facing an important event. All alone during New Year. It's sad to witness that this UNIHELL is going to be all dark, silent and lonely tonight, as most of the other students have gone back home to celebrate new year with their beloved ones. And here i am all alone inside this dark, silent, and lonely place.

I can't recall much of any good or improvement that happens to me this year. The only good memories or improvement i could remember (which i consider as important) for 2o10 was:

1) Learned to play guitar

2) Friends at college wish and sing happy birthday song for me.

3) Met my dream guy who truly loves me and made me a whole.

As for number 3), i really hope that we will last. I really feel, and want him to be the one for me for the rest of my life, and i have not regret knowing him.

Wishing for 2011 will be a better year, and a year where i start my new adulthood, independent life and my own carrier (and hopefully my own family/marriage).

Get lost 2010, and welcome 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

Empty

I'm not ready to go for my practical.

I'm not ready to face all those secondary school students and become a teacher.

I want to face the next phase in life, but i'm not ready to face the consequences. I don't have experience in anything and my real life is just about to begin.

I don't have dreams and goals to achieve in life. Its all zero.

I don't know what i want in life. I keep wanting objects i can keep rather than having a goal i need to achieve.

My dream, my previous dream of writing a novel and script, turned to ashes. The dreams are gone now, because i don't trust that i can do it anymore. It is all hopeless now.

I have nothing to live for and life feels empty indeed.

I want to enter the next phase in life, but i am just not yet ready for anything at all.

How come?

Last night, my mom got something very expensive from dad, just out of the blue.

Before this, he suddenly gave her a diamond ring. (Hell yeah expensive~!), and last night, he bought her a silver diamond watch (which is also hell expensive.)

He's like that sometimes. When he's in a really good mood, he'll buy her something out of the blue, or he'll buy her stuff she wants when he's trying to 'bodek' her.

I'm happy for her of course, except that, then, i couldn't help myself from thinking that....

He always buy his wife nice expensive things that she wants at times, when he got the money and when he's in good mood.

But how come he never buys his children anything nice and expensive that they want, when he got the money and when he's in good mood?

Aren't his children part of his family too?

And what really makes me feel sick to the stomach is that, instead of buying his children things they need or want that is expensive once in a while when he has the money, he told his children to buy the things themselves using their own money, or worse...

He told his children to buy from him.

He always buys his wife nice and expensive things when he got the money and when he's in good mood. But how come he never buys his children anything at all?

I just can't help myself think of this.

Just shut up, me.

At times, or most of the time, i feel i spoke too much.

Spoke too much as in saying-things-that-hurts-people-and-brings-me-trouble kind of much.

And i hate when that happens.

That's why in class or with my friends, i prefer being the quiet one, i prefer not to expose the real me too much. Because i don't want them to hate me and i'll lose the friends i have which is already limited in amount.

Because i too, hate myself when i become myself.

I prefer being the 'me' around my friends and not the 'me' around my family.

But i don't know why its hard for me to do just that.

Things are just a bit tough for now.

Family-sort-of-problems, in addition of the tests, final exams and assignments, and term papers and practical that i need to accomplish in a limited time.

I feel like... Running away and never ever come back.

Like i said, things are a bit tough for now.

Only for now... I hope..

I desperately hope.

What is wrong with me...?

I don't understand why today i felt so weak and sleepy.

My feet hurts when i walk, even when i don't wear heels.

And i've slept too often today, as in like, i've continually steal a few short hours or minutes of naps throughout the whole day; when i was in class, when i got back from class, and when i got back again from class.

And i don't understand why recently i ate double the amount of food i usually took. From 1 serving, to 2 servings.

And this morning, something freaky happened to me.

I couldn't clutch my right fist tight enough to hold the pencil and write. I couldn't write.

I don't understand why recently my body is failing me.

I need energy, but i have eaten twice the amount of food. Its impossible to say i lack of energy when i ate 2 servings of food per meal.

Then why did i felt so weak, and sleepy till my feet hurts to walk? specifically to say, my right leg hurts when i walk, including both feet.

Ok, now i'm starting to see, my right leg hurts when walking, my right fist couldn't clutch tightly.

What does that tells you?

Thank you all!

The moment the clock struck 12, i wasn't happy at all.

Yes i was waiting, but i wasn't happy.

Not because of getting older, no. I'm proud being older.

At the moment when the clock struck 12, i cried.

Yes, i celebrate the first minute and second of officially being 21, by crying and drowning myself with tears of depression.

Why you may ask?

Because i felt so lonely.

It was my most special moment ever, (i don't turn 21 everyday, and this day only comes once a year) but there was nobody around me. No one to sing me happy birthday, no cakes, no celebration. None of my friends (except him) have waited for 12am and be the first to wish me.

My 12am moment of being 21 was lonely, and being far away from my family, and with no celebration...

Therefore i cried my eyes out to sleep. (plus having an asthma attack)

But next morning, my friends wished me face to face, one of them even gave me a present!

And they acknowledge my special day and try their best to make it seems special for me.

And since maxis gave free calls for birthday present, i called him all day long. (^_^)

Thanks to everyone for wishing me my birthday. (including over 30+++ birthday wish in my fb from various or people, including those whom has never even say hi to me >_<)

Thanks to umi for singing and wishing me happy birthday early in the morning which woke me up lol~

And most of all...

Thanks to my dear for listening to me and trying to comfort me all the way when i cried out of loneliness. Love you so much baby <:')

Finally 21!

Today is my 21st birthday, which to me is the most important birthdate ever. Because it celebrates the official beginning or adulthood. When you are 21, people will start looking at you as an adult, as a person capable of living his/her own life independently.

When you ask a person "How old are you?" and he or she answered "21." Sure enough you won't be having this thought in you head of that person being an immature kid.

When a person said he is 21, or 22, (eg: my brother is 22 years old. My sister is 21 years old), you will immediately thought that this person have a carrier, and is ready for marriage. You will have this idea of that person isn't an immature school kid, but an adult you can trust to accompany, take care, educate, or lead younger people. When somebody told you he or she has a 21 or 22 year old brother/sister, tell me what is the first thing going through your mind about that particular brother/sister of his/her?

That's what makes this birthday so important. its the official beginning of changing people's assumption towards you. You are no longer the school kid, or the teenager, or the kid from some college still studying. I am no longer a school kid, a teenager, or a kid from some college and still studying.

I am 21 years old and I will have a carrier.

I am 21 years old and I am ready to move on to the next phase of challenge in life.

Ready for commitment in my work, ready for commitment in marriage, nor raising children.

Ready to face the next big thing. And i can't wait.

BRING IT ON!

p/s: nextime when people ask me am i working or studying, i wont have to answer "i'm 19 and still studying in the university." instead, i can answer "I am 22 and working at ......." LOL~

I hate them so much.

If i were her, i would have lost my mind. I wouldn't be soft-hearted just so that they can make me their slave. I feel very impressed with her patience for tolerating those 3 *TOOT*, but i also feel angry for the those 3 *TOOT* enslaving her like that.

Not only those three *TOOT*, but also their other family members who refuse to take responsibility and running away from them, thus leaving the burden for her to face alone.

Not only enslaving her, but enslaving her daughter(s) as well.

Haven't she suffered enough by tolerating just ONE of the family member?

Why must make her suffer for all THREE at the same time?

And why can't the other family members who are supposed, SUPPOSED, to be responsible for that to take over the responsibility instead?

And why must that *TOOT* old *TOOT* must order her and her daughter(s) here and there?

Why cant that *TOOT old *TOOT* do it herself?

When will that 'person' be healed and manage to get back on his feet again?

When will the two *TOOT* be leaving us alone?

when will the two *TOOT stop bothering, torturing, and enslaving us, especially her???

WHEN WILL YOU LEAVE?????!!!!!!!

p/s: please i'm begging you to just LEAVE us alone already!

Listen to me dear.

You may not be prince charming.

You may not have the perfect looks.

You may not have the perfect personality.

You may not have what it takes to be a perfect leader.

But no matter what, i will always stand by you.

I will always be there for you when you need me.

I will always help to guide you when you are lost.

You may not be the perfect man for me, my dear.

But no matter what, i will never give up on you.

I will never leave your side, but it depends on you and your effort to make the change of yourself and your future possible.

No matter what, i will never, ever give up on you.

Breathe, breathe, breathe!

There's just too much things to accomplish within these few days.

Too many things, till at times i feel like i wanna scream and pause the time for a while to let me fill my suffocating lungs with fresh, cool air. Breathe in, and exhale.

Too many things to accomplish in a limited amount of time.

And my most feared occurrence is that i failed to finish everything in time.

Why can't i just die already.. *sigh*~

Disatisfaction!

4 people using the same goddamn toilet just because I put in the 'paip getah' inside that bloody toilet.

And among those stupid 4 people, not even ONE of them care to clean the stupid bloody toilet and rather use it until the toilet is DAMN FFFFFFF DIRTY.

It was ME who provide them with that 'paip getah' untill 4 out of 6 people use the same toilet, and i repeat, NOT EVEN ONE CARES TO CLEAN THAT TOILET AND RATHER USE IT TILL ITS BLOODY DIRTY.

AND STILL USING IT!!!

And now it only depends on me to buy the bloody TOILET BRUSH AND CLEAN THE STUPID TOILET I PROVIDED AN ADVANTAGE FOR, FOR THEM!!!!

FFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

@$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!

Listing again~

Short term goals for now:

>Get that mp230 edifier speaker model as my birthday present

>Create a passport

>Vacation in Singapore!

>Driving License

>Tests

>Endless presentations/assignments

>Practical at school (teacher)

>Finding a job

I can't wait to go another step further to experience life. Working life, marriage life and family life awaits me! (That is if i ever get married.)

p/s: i feel like running away from everyone and everything right now.

21st birthday is coooomiiiiiinggggg!!!

I still don't know what i should plan on getting or doing on my 21st birthday.

21st birthday is supposed to be a special celebration; because its the celebration of the beginning of adulthood.

But i'm not sure on how to make that day special. (because the stupid birthday falls under a day where i got CLASS TO ATTEND~ =_=")

The only birthday gift i could think of right now are external speakers and headphones. (because i need them, and i should find expensive ones too LOL.)

But it doesn't seemed special enough... hmmm~ a key locket for a necklace? or a bracelet?

Nah~ i never like wearing jewelries or accessories all my life. I prefer electronic devices, or gadgets. I'm a gadget freak. But the problem is, gadgets are always too expensive to buy.

Celebration huh? hurmmm~

How about... Going to someplace special, as in going for a vacation somewhere far from home, or going to fun theme parks such as sunway lagoon, or genting highland? Fraser hill? Cameron highland perhaps? YA! BUKIT TINGGI!!! :P

And we celebrate my birthday there, by buying a cake and sit somewhere and sing the birthday song and eat cakes! :P

Can i, can i, can i??? pweettyyy pweaaaaseeee~?

p/s: Not forgetting, to celebrate my special 21st birthday with 'him' too... -.- you better not make me angry and argue with u neither make me cry on my 21st birthday!

Broken hearted..

I better focus on that stupid term paper & my assignments and presentations.

And focusing on my wishlist.

Spending your effort, money, time and love is so much worth it with objects than with people.

Because objects can't disappoint you, can't hurt you, can't break your heart and most of all...

Objects can't make you cry.

p/s: Specifically to THAT person; thanks for hurting me so much..

Thanks for cheering me up :P

He made me smile, and he made me sooooo happy that i smiled so wideeeeee :D

He made me forgot about my stress and worries regarding my term paper~

He showed me my birthday present~ weeeeee!!!!!! :DDDD

He's so, so, so sweet....

Love u so much baby! >-(^,^)-< *hugs!!*

p/s: can't wait to meet u dear :P

FFFFFFFF STRESSSSSSS!!!!!

God... This is so freaking stressful!

WTF is theoretical bases??

How am i going to finish this stupid term paper without knowing any theories??

STUCK AT THEORETICAL BASES!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!

JH XAWYKG Y HB JBJQWXBNQWNZ L:KQMI WYGN SVUGHJAV SGXZHF BJ!KW!!!!!!!!!!!!

STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

My birthday is coming.

And guess what? i might be celebrating my MOST IMPORTANT 21st BIRTHDAY EVER all alone in my hostel.

WITH CLASS TO ATTEND!

That is just plain sick. SICK, i tell you. Its my 21st birthday for god sake! my birthday only comes once a year! and its the most important birthday of all time! its the birthday which celebrates my official beginning of adulthood which i am looking forward to!

I CAN'T celebrate my 21st birthday miserably and pathetically by being stuck in the middle of nowhere with non of my family members around!

I-CAN'T-STAY-HERE-ON-MY-21ST BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

p/s: i'm going crazy due to the term paper, so pardon me for freaking out.

Please save me..

Please take me away from here.

I hate this place... I need to be somewhere else..

I need to distract my mind.

Please save me from here and take me far, far away.

Feeling so lonely down here... Too lonely... And i can't stop crying..

Please take me far, far away..

Please save me..

BRING IT ON!

This semester is too 'heavy' for me despite only having 2 subjects to learn.

2 subjects within a month.

With additional Term Paper and the goddamn research.

And an additional of 3 months practical.

And assignments and presentations for the two subjects.

Plus exams.

And a series of endless lesson plans starting now.

I can't handle stress. I was so busy writing and finishing the research proposal that i stared in front of my laptop screen for 4 HOURS STRAIGHT.

Which leaves my eyes and brain to not completely function in the end. My eyes hurt, and my brain couldn't think of anything. It suddenly becomes blurred and empty, because there was too much of a heavy thinking done within 4 hours straight.

I have never done that kind of thing all my life. And it stresses me like HELL.

But what the heck, i'll torture myself to the limit if that's what it takes for me to turn completely insane. I'll drive myself nuts. I'll complete and write that stupid research and term paper and drive myself towards the path of insanity due to overload of stress. I'll torture myself no matter WHAT IT TAKES.

BRING IT ON!!!! BRING IT ON!!! I WILL SQUISH AND GET THEM DONE EVEN IF I SUFFER OF EXCEEDED STRESS BECAUSE OF THEM!!!

BRING THE GOD DAMN RESEARCH AND TERM PAPER ON!!!!

p/s: only 4 months left, 4 months, and i am soooo ENDING THIS!!!!

Stop reading my blog if you can't swallow what i wrote.

I don't know what else to say here.

I don't know whether to write public stuff or personal stuff of mine in this blog. I don't know anymore. Either way isn't the best of idea as there seems to be people reading this blog.

And by people, i mean people who judges me negatively everytime i write my personal feelings down here. I need to be more vigilant with how i write and what i write.

which to me is very excruciating and painstaking.

Because of those people, now i have to put a plastic, hypocritical face everytime i write. I have to write on what PLEASES them instead of what PLEASES me.

Because of those goddamn people, i have lost my freedom of speech and feel like i'm tied up behind iron bars, suffocating to my death.

Don't make me switch to indifferent mode.

Please don't make me care less of everything including myself.

Please stop judging me negatively.

Please STOP READING THIS BLOG IF YOU DON'T SEEM TO LIKE OR AGREE ON WHAT I WROTE. This is MY blog, where i pour in my PERSONAL feelings and opinions regarding chapters of events happened in my life, MY LIFE, not YOURS.

So if you can't respect that then please stop reading.

If you can. then just read and shut up. I don't need to listen to negative comments when my mind is already too messed up. (but positive comments or curiosity is ok.)

I just want my freedom of speech back again. GIVE IT BACK TO ME!

p/s: These entries on whether i curse and saying bad things are only temporary. I write to satisfy myself and to relief my anger and pain. I don't feel the same anymore like how i felt when i was writing a few hours after i wrote it. So don't JUDGE me negatively. My blog is where i put out my TEMPORARY anger and personal dissatisfaction regarding things i hate in my life, things that i wish i could change.

Die... Laughing?

I don't understand why my asthma attack is happening too frequently lately.

It's irritating, disturbing, and worrying.

I even dreamed of having an asthma attack due to excessive laughter and was only able to breathe like 10% of air to my lungs.

And it DID happen to me in reality. My asthma attack comes more frequent when i laughed too much than when i'm cold. It never happened before, my asthma problem RARELY gives problem to me in the past, even when i laughed like hell.

But now it does.

How if my cause of death is.... due to laughter?

OMG~ O.O

Two in one. To him who it may concerned, please kindly read this message because i have no credit to reply you.

To the person who have recently found my personal blog and might still be reading it:

I am sorry for those that i have written and i am sorry that i refuse to answer ur calls. It's because that i am already deeply wounded by your hurtful n painful words the other night and yes i know i deserve it and i am sorry. But to actually listen to your actual voice throwing those hurtful words to me is too unbearable. I rather not answer ur calls if all u wanna do is hurting me more until ur credit runs out.

Again, i'm sorry for those i have written but altho what i wrote was the truth, it changed nothing of my love towards you... Those 10 reasons changed nothing. The only thing that changed how i respect n love u is to finally know and see your true colour when you are angry.

You acted too childish and immature and you cursed and shouted at me instead of discussing things with me like a mature adult although i was wrong. (at least when i'm angry i never scold u harshly like u did and only shouted n cursed in my blog where you should never have found it in the first place instead of shouting n cursing in your face.)

I admit that i was wrong for comparing you with my ex, and judging like that. But those are the truth on how i felt specifically only at THAT time and NOT in the present. If you chose to hate me and leave me, i will respect your decision and follow how u want it. (because even after i tried so hard already to persuade you and apologized, u still hate me and attack me with those harsh n hurtful words.)

I am deeply sorry for those words and stuff i wrote about my feelings to u when i'm down. You can trust me that it will never happen again in the future.

Believe me, i still care although you don't. if you need anything or if u need me, do not hesitate to text or call me. You know how to reach me.

Blog entry for today:

Tomorrow is the most historical day for me.

The starting of the final semester, the final days of mine to spent with my friends and classmates.

It is a starting day of memories...

a start for a fresh beginning.

Emo~ Emo~ Emo~

After meeting him, i felt.... down.

Down AND emo.

Due to certain reasons...

1) The fact that he tried to 'show me off' to his ex whom he asked for a break up with previously

2) The fact that he seems... Too soft.

3) The fact that he just couldn't click with my sisters

4) The fact that he didnt bought me anything when we met -.-

5) The fact that i feel like he could just leave me anytime he wants after i heard the story about what happened between him and his previous ex-girls.

6) The fact that he lied to people about our true relation

7) The fact that he wasn't being such of a gentleman like my ex was.

8) The fact that he didnt tell any of his family members about me but i did

9) The fact that he seems.... like he has no future

10) The fact that he seems... Not willing to throw effort in stuff for his future.

There's a lot actually... a LOT. I can list them and it'll continue till tomorrow. But basically, these are the top 10 stuff that bothers me right now about him...

That made me feel so freaking down n emo.

i feel like killing myself.

relationships can go to hell. i'm better off single.

why does every relationship ive had, ended up with me suffering the entire way?

why does every relationship that i'd gave most my heart to ending up with me crying for being left n hurt by the other person?

n why do i get the blame everytime i tried to heal these pains by being the bad guy or being cold hearted towards guys?

why can't any of you understand?

Go FFFFF kill yourself, bastard!

That's just GREAT.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Another heart break. Another F*****G HEARTBREAK.

After giving me hopes and thinking he's the FFFFFF one, he blew them on my face by admitting that he DOESN'T INTEND TO FFFFF MARRY ME.

Why, you might ask? a brilliant question. You wanna know why???

Because i have a DEGREE and he DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH BUDGET TO MARRY A GIRL WITH A FFFFFFF DEGREE. Great excuse isn't it? great huh? the most BRILLIANT & EXELLENT EXCUSE EVER!

Then whats the point of loving me n being a couple with me????

Thanks for making me feel like a FFFF IDIOT. Thanks for giving me that hope and take it back and break them in front of eyes just to make sure it HURTS DEEP ENOUGH TO LEAVE A SCAR.

Thanks for being a DOUCHE-BAG. I'll make sure i get my FFFFF revenge u FFFFF bastard.

YOU-JUST-WAIT! i'll taunt your name and make sure you'll regret breaking up if me EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!

p/s: not all guys are ffff jerks, but MOST OF YOU GUYS ARE. That's it, i'm forever SINGLE FROM NOW ON!!!

waking up.

i still don't know if things will work out.

i hope it does. and i hope future will change for him too, and i mean changing through positive ways.

i desperately hope so.

the future for both of us seems clear but vague, seems possible but vain.

trying hard to change myself and accepting him in my life, trying to make a difference this time around. no more disloyalty, no more lies, no more fake identities.

I used to be some sort of a 'playgirl'. not anymore.

I used to have fake identities and lie to people... not anymore.

I want to stay loyal this time, since he loves me so much and accept me for who i am, what i am, and even how i am. He loves me for everything i am despite my negative sides.

thanks to abg fad, now ive decided to free myself from the virtual walls that has been caging me from truth.

thanks to my baby, now ive decided to stay loyal loving him and be with him for as long as i can. so far it is still hard for me to.. well.. u know... but i can, and i want to.

Future is surpising indeed.

p/s: i still can't refresh myself from the dizziness and high feeling of medication drugs i took after a long day.. SIGH!

Who exactly am i to you, my friend?

Sigh~ You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you only choose to spend time with me only when you are bored or when you need someone to talk to in order to share and pour out your sweet and bitter moments in your carrier as the new kedah state football player.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet the only thing you seemed to care is your carrier and rarely asks stuff about me and my life. You even condemned me when i told you about my deepest secret that had always been the poison in my life instead of comforting me with motivating n supportive words like how i always did when you need a lift of spirit when you're going to play for an important football match... Like how a friend should do.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you refuse to open up to me regarding personal problems and matters and personal happenings in your everyday life. You choose to act so formal with me as if i am one of your fanatic fans instead of a true friend.

Who exactly am i to you? am i your friend or am i just a tool for you to share stories regarding your cool, popular carrier? Maybe to you i am one of those important people in your life (especially becoming the only closest female friend he ever had), but sadly to me, you are not even close to a friend.

You act nothing like a friend of mine. You care nothing of me. You act so formal with me. Most of the things i remembered as long as we had been friends is listening to how your life (of which you were jobless in the past and had no means of working) and cool carrier has been for you instead of telling you about how my pathetic life, problem n future is going on.

And when i tried to tell them out to you, you pushed me away by acting so formal and awkward, and at times you even despised me that it hurts more than comforting.

Ahmad Shakir Bin Ali... Even after we have been friends for a quite a long time, your identity still remains a mystery to me, and i can never ever be able to figure you out.

p/s: FYI, that picture IS him.

Revealing the truth and put an end to it all.

It was hard for me to reveal the truth.

It was hard for me to go agaisnt the princip i have held for so many years.

as hard as a mother being forced to kill her children using her own hands.

Its THAT hard. But i did it anyway. I decided to end it because i care for my brother.

Because i want to contact him n be his 'brother' in real life.

Because i want to hang out with him and attend his seminars and chat with him n listen to his pep talk and advises by voice n not by text.

He's a great somebody, he's a great brother, a caring, wonderful n great brother.

And i don't wanna miss the chance of meeting him in person and talk to him in real life, to joke around with him n meet him up. I don't wanna miss that chance just because i lied n am using a fake identity.

I decided to take that risk because i care deeply for my brother, and because he cares deeply me. I don't have the heart to keep lying to someone as caring and wonderful as him. I want to contact him in real life n meet him in person as myself. The real me..

When i made that action, i felt guilty like hell that i can't stop crying. I was worried of how he will react. My heart was racing. It felt as if time moves too slow.

Suprisingly he didnt get mad. And shockingly and weird thing is that the first thing he asked when he called me for the first time was "Are you ok dik?"

I was so touched that i was literally speechless. Couldn't utter a single word n my tear dropped out of happiness. I was touched that he wasn't n doesn't sound mad at all. in fact he laughed and told me its okay. He convinced me that it was no big deal n he wasn't angry... (but i know deep inside he feels hurt and i am truly sorry for hurting him... I can never forgive myself.)

Finally, i get the chance to listen to his voice n talk to him instead of texting. And it was a blessing i can never ever repay him. It was a dream come true. Finally, FINALLY, i get to speak to him.

Its just a matter of time until i meet this great and wonderful guy in person. He is truly a somebody whom i look up to. I respect him, adore him, and idolize him with all my heart and soul for caring for me so much that he would still be willing to spend time for me although he was too busy n tired.

But those are before i told him the truth about me.

Now i hope, i REALLY hope that his love and care towards me will not change after i told him the truth. Maybe he won't be able to feel the same anymore.. I really hope that won't happen.

Because If he changes... If he stops caring for me just because he doesn't feel the same anymore due to the feelings of betrayal and hurt, i can't blame him for that.. I truly deserve it..

But i've risked telling him the truth so that we can be friends and true 'brothers' in real life.

If he truly change...

It will break my heart...

And that i have to accept it with an open heart... Tho it kills me...

I'm so sorry abg fad.. <=(

I hope we can, or are still brothers like we were, or still am.

I'm very sorry for hurting u.

EXAM i hate you!

I should be studying but... SIGH!

I hate exams. I hate it so, so, so much SIGH!

(i know i shouldn't be sighing but well SIGH~ i just couldn't resist it huhuh~ the sentence sounds better with a sigh LOL.)

I got this GREAT IDEA popping in my head when i was doing the laundry in the toilet. And i can't wait to write a short story about it. This precious moment doesn't happen very often, in fact, it RARELY happens. So when it does, i should be heading straight to my room and write about it like crazy!

The only thing that is stopping me is this freaking EXAM!

So please, exam, be gone!! BE GONE I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE BE GONE!!!!

p/s: now i sound like a freaking mental patient escapee hahah!

What does it actually means when a guy do these to a girl?

Sigh... He's playing 'tarik tali' with me.

His tone when speaking indicates that he has no feelings for me and just treated me as a friend he cares for.

But then, why wouldn't he text any other girls except me? i mean, he has a LOT of fans out there, let alone now that he has become a celebrity. He admitted he enjoyed the attention, but he still choose to text only me. The only female he cared to text up to the point where he ask his lil brother to inform me about his scores and games when he is playing.

If he doesnt have any feelings for me, he wouldn't even care to do that. He promised me that he will inform me everytime he enters a football match, and he will inform me of his scores and experienced in the field.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he would have 'layan' all the other fans; much prettier, wittier girls out there who are far better than me in every single way.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he won't text me when he is bored. as in like finding me, literally FINDING ME, instead of texting any other fans of his.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wont have waited all night long for my birthday message and eventually called me the next morning to see if i have forgotten (of which i did forgot)

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wouldn't need to listen to me when i asked him to eat something, and fulfilled his promise to eat 2 slice of bread before bed.

If he doesn't have feelings for me, he won't be finding ME to share about his excitement and disappointment each time when he won or lose a football match.

He showed as if he really cares and treated me so special amongst the other girls who were willing to 'berebut' just for the sake of getting his freaking sweaty jersey everytime he won a match. Only me. The only female friend. His only good female friend that gets special treatment.

He treats me so special ever since before he became popular and even more special after he became a celebrity.

But the only thing that doesn't fit is that the way his body language is speaking to me; it translates that he doesn't have any sort of feelings or jealousy when i talked to him about these other two guys who were chasing after me and literally advised me stuff about whether to accept any of them or not.

But... For someone like him, (a celebrity of which girls are dying to lay their hands on) giving someone like me (a fat, ugly girl who is a nobody) a special treatment? Giving me the privilege that no other girl in his life could get?

Now what does that suppose to mean then?

p/s: his gf had long passed away, and i know deep inside he still loves her. maybe thats what makes him shutting his heart out from girls, but why did he let only ME in the first place? sigh, he is driving me nuts!

Single is better.

I've got a spark of idea after i'd watched the most boring movie ever; Wallstreet.

It's about a mysterious guy who refuse to expose his identity, even his face, had been helping a stranger out to win the heart of his beloved one as well as to sort his life one step at a time.

Can't wait to write again.

And i've just found out the most devastating news ever...

I don't know if i ever dare to give my heart to anyone anymore. Single is the way of life, no one to hurt, won't get hurt either. I can spend my money n my life like how i want without any restraints. No more tears. The three guys can just get the hell out of my heart, i'm not sharing it with anyone except me alone.

p/s: wth am i craping about here haih...

Conflict with 3 men

3 guys in my life. 3 guys that mattered to me, and that loves me. Well, actually its just 2. 1 of the three only cares me as a friend.

a tailor for VIPS and famous artists, (a year younger than me)

a mere pastry chef of a restaurant, (a year older than me)

a state celebrity football player. (same age as me)

Different conflicts with different guys. All of them cares for me but...

I appreciate the tailor's sacrifice for me. But.. I tried, i really tried but i just don't share the same feelings he has for me. I tried so hard.

And I think i'm starting to fall for the pastry chef.

And i think i have always had feelings for the football player ever since we first know each other.

Let's just wait until the day i meet this mysterious pastry chef, and then i will confirm whether he is the one i choose to be with or not. He has all the qualities i've dreamed of in a guy, and he is willing to change for my sake. Most importantly, he listens to me. And i mean both ways. The only con with him rite now is that i still haven't meet him yet.

About the football player? i'll wait. And wait.. And wait.. Untill he has his own girlfriend maybe, and then only i'll give up on him.

But in the meantime, i will decide about relationships AFTER i've met the pastry chef.

And i hope he won't disappoint me. I really hope so.

Am i loving him or is it just the stupid hormone crap?

i think i've fallen in love...

Or i just THOUGHT that i've fallen in love?

but he's soooo damn cute and i have been trying to get his attention since i first know him, ever since before i know how he looked like in real.

and he acted so cool with me, treating me as only a friend. An important friend, but still, just a mere friend and nothing else. When i tried asking him about having any girlfriends, he answered me so calm, telling me that it never crossed his mind, and ask me why, as if like there's no 'in-between-feelings'.

He's a freaking celebrity now and i've learned not to held hopes on anyone or even loving anyone. Someone like him won't even look at someone like me with only an eye.

But then... why did he thanked me so much as if he really appreciate me texting him, wanting me to accompany him, and the most important part is...

giving a kiss to me in the text? (eg: thanks so much for accompanying me tonite, take care ya, emuah... salam..)

he is a guy who doesnt flirt with any girls, especially girls like me. someone like him will not ever do such thing if he only cares for that person as a friend. he isnt a guy with jokes, he's a serious guy. a serious guy who doesnt like to flirt and being flirted. Friends like that, who dont have feelings with the other wont do that rite?

So does that mean he.... Does has at least a bit of feelings to me too?

p/s: Just randomly crapping.

Sick, sick, sick again.

I don't understand why recently my stomach is giving such problems like diarrhoea.

This is like the 4th or 5th time maybe for me to experience stomach aches.

Stomach bloating, nausea, stomach feeling gassy, and difficulty to do bladder.

I don't recall anything different regarding my eating pattern, and i definitely drink plenty of water.

What went wrong?

crapping~

why can't i have some of this?

why can't i have some of that?

sticking to the addiction.

not even trying to re-live the passion i once had.

just going with the flow, where destiny takes me.

not planning on anything big, no dreams, nothing.

envious with people who knows what they want and going for it. while i don't.

because...

because i am afraid of failure to sink the pain of failing if i did try.

so better not try at all, so we don't experience failures. my motto.

looking forward for the next chapter of my life; working life.

i'm looking forward.

Fever is a blessing (^,^)

Fever, sore throat, unusually weak body, feels as if my body has only 10% amount of energy left within.

Everytime i swallowed those ridiculous amount of pills, my body trembled like crazy that i can't sleep at all. My whole body shuddered as if i was inside a refrigerator.

Everytime i walked, i feel as if my body could just collapse anytime. My head was spinning, and i felt like i was walking like a drunken man.

Sore body, coughed like a million times till my head suffers an unbearable pain that it feels like exploding number of times.

I literally felt my eyeballs were drowning in boiling water, and that i can fry an egg on my forehead.

It has been quite a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since i last suffered of fever. I don't remember how fever feels like. People hate being sick.

But ironically i feel very thankful for getting this sudden illness after a loooooooong time.

Cuz it proves that God still loves me. (^.^)

Now!

It's time to make a change, starting with myself and my own life.

It's time to make a change.

NOW.

Time, please stop ticking~

Pending assignments waiting to be done. They (my assignments) keep staring at my face and tapping their fingers, feeling so ticked off that i have not touched them yet. And The mid-sem break is going to end in another 2 days.

I don't know... I am not in a good condition to do anything at all, not even watching tv and have a chillax moment. I know i need to get back on my feet but i don't know when yet.

I thought of trying to write again, trying to distract my mind by writing novels and short stories again but i still can't. It seems like my interest in writing has long faded.

I don't know my own goals in life anymore. I dont want to become a teacher, i am not interested in studying anymore, i am not interested in finding a new bf whatsoever anymore too, i am not interested in socializing with new people anymore, and i am not even interested in writing anymore which used to be my passion to die for once.

I don't know what i want. I don't plan my future anymore and i don't know what will become of me. *sigh*~

I feel like running far, far, far away to a place where time seem to stop ticking, and give me the space and time to think and handle myself properly.

I feel like i am going mental and experiencing 'tekanan jiwa' already...

Time just moves too fast.

It has been a long time since i've really loved a man, and really were in love.

It was a heartache experience being in love. I am not worthy, i am never worthy to any men and they just don't give a damn to someone like me either.

The only experience i get for falling in love is to get hurt.

I don't give a damn about men, about relationships, about marriage anymore.

I am no longer interested.

My heart has been sealed completely

NOT INTERESTED, THANK YOU.

I don't care about guys anymore.

I don't care about getting hooked or getting married.

So what if i will end up being an old maid? rather than having to serve myself like a slave to men, i rather spend my time and money only to myself.

Being single is so much worth it.

Before this i was so desperate in finding boyfriends and a spouse because i desperately want to get married before 25. but now i just don't care any longer.

To me now male species exist just because they do, and they r just a part of life and living things that god created, just like He create animals and 'jin'.

I don't givadamn 0n why they exist. Exist to lead, yes. But exist to mate the females and get more humans to be born in this world? HAH!

You fellow males can get any other females you want to mate with, but NOT ME.

My heart is already closed for all male species. If you want me, you should have tried hook up with me like a few years ago. Too late to hook up with me now.

I am SINGLE and NOT AVAILABLE. Find somebody else's female heart that you can break. I am not interested in being in relationships anymore.

Heck, I AM NO MORE INTERESTED IN MEN THEMSELVES.

So gerrofff and leave me alone.

Feeling suffocating, not because of assignments.

Suffocating because of financial problem, of the stupid PTPTN money that still has not yet been banked into my account.

and i have a freaking debt to pay ASAP.

wanting to ask from him to lend me to pay but i think its just too much to ask.

stop it nizt!

i am sick. terribly sick, very sick.

i mean mental, mentally ill.

i need to stop myself. i need to stop this now and focus

i feel like being pushed to the edge and am about to lose focus on everything.

i need to get back in line.

Questionare~

1. Apakah nama blog anda dan kenapa anda memilih nama itu?
Random Craps. Because i talk about random craps in here that i feel like spitting out for the whole world to know. the name itself is pretty obvious so i don't think i need to explain.

2. Apakah link blog anda sekarang dan bagaimana boleh timbul idea untuk menamakannya seperti itu?
www.control-iz-me.blogspot.com. because i love being in control and i like to have things all controlled and goes as planned. haha nah im not a control freak. i mean controlling as in controlling things that i planned. the word 'iz' in the middle stands for 'is' in a fancy way, at the same time it spelled my initial name, 'iz' from 'izzati'.

3. Apakah method penulisan dalam blog anda?
unlike my sisters who often tells the facts of life in their blogs, mine is much more personal. more like a public diary. thats my method of writing in my blog.

4. Pernah terasa nak hapuskan blog anda? Sebabnya?
HAHA! are you trying to be funny? =.="

5. Pernah tak ahli keluarga anda membaca blog anda dan apa kata mereka?
YES THEY DO. and i don't think i mind. it IS public and for anyone to read.

6. Apakah perasaan anda apabila orang lain mengatakan bahawa anda punya blog ini buruk sedangkan masih ada yang mengatakan blog anda cantik?
>:( bring my knife and pitch forks!!! IMA KILL THEM!!! >XDDD

7. Bilakah anda mula mempunyai blog?

2 years back i think. or last year. around october maybe? september?

8. Siapakah orang pertama yang mengetahui anda mempunyai blog?
Hafiz che' blah blah blah. hahaha i don't really remember his full name anymore. aside from my sisters of course

9. Apa perasaan anda apabila orang mengatakan tentang blog anda di sekolah/universiti/tempat kerja?
OMG!!! (O.O)

10. 10 orang untuk di-tag

yana, aisyah, syidah, wawa.. hurm who else? hehehe~

Too messed up.

Haven't update this freaking blog.

Things are a bit messed up right now.

i need to get my thoughts, my schedule and my life re-arranged first.

and then i'll tell you what happen.

BLOCKED.

i wanted to write. i wanted to write so bad! i want to fill in those blank microsoft word pages and fill em to dozens numbers of pages.

i wanted to finish this story i have been trying to work on. but it always ends with a block in my head. i forgot what you call that. creativity block? writer's block? i dunno... but to put it in an easy way,

i just don't know what to write anymore. i don't have that passion of writing anymore. i've lost the words to tell them out to people. i have the raw materials in my head and it's all in there. but i fail to find the perfect tools to get these materials and ideas out of my head to be translated into words that people can understand, that people finds fascinating to read.

I want to write so bad that i need time-out in order to get them translated and arranged well.

The time of which i don't have.

The time of which is forever in dreams.

I need to speak to the 'devil', i need to listen to what the devil, the prince the avenger and the members of the companion is trying to say to me.

I need to know what is going on there in Darkness!

People, speak to me and help me write your history properly so i can get it right and look cool!

I need to let you go one day.

i have to be less active in that world, and have to start waking up and handle my own world.

i know i can't run away from reality and my own life forever.

one day i need to face it too. It is only a matter of time.

therefore i made up my mind. things just HAVE to change.

it doesnt matter if it takes a slow pace, i just need to do something with my life to make it feel much more fun and worth living than pretending to be someone i am trully not.

one day i have to let 'them' go.

i need a proper goal i can work with and start becoming a freaking machine to achieve it.

I CAN! I KNOW I CAN!

p/s: yeah i can do it the whole time, i just chose not to,

Please ignore this post -.-

got a lot of things in my mind.

a lot of things i need to do and settle before i make any decisions.

i need time of which i never had.

i need the light of which will never come.

i need moral support and self-esteem of which has been so hard to earn.

so far i just don't givadamn much about living the life because there is no particular goal that motivates me through it. i don't know what i want, or even if i do, i don't know if i could ever achieve them. Or how to.

I feel empty with a big, big hole inside of me that needs filling. i have too many flaws that shows and i don't givadamn on covering them because i know eventually the flaws will still show.

Which then leads of not giving a damn about living the life.

I have only short term goals. no long terms because i am afraid that it is too hard too achieve and that i will never achieve that far because i can't. i have to start from the bottom to earn that much for a long term goal and i know eventually i will give up half way even if i tried.

and ending up back in square one.

i believe in the saying 'practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect so why practice?'

because it is true. we aren't perfect so why do we need to work so hard on creating that perfection while we know in our hearts that it will eventually fade which soon shows the imperfection behind the perfection we tried so hard to create?

why do we even need to try so hard when we know that eventually we'll just fall back again and ending up in square one? won't that be frustrating? i don't wanna experience the frustation on working so hard that will soon earn us nothing so i rather just don't givadamn and live life by going with the flow.

that applies on mostly everything in my life; studies, my body, my health, my future, my religion, my social life, everything i think.

its not that i don't try at all. i DO try. its just that i don't givadamn on pushing them too hard to achieve the result that i know will never ever ever ever come. i just live life inside the comfort zone where i don't need to push too hard or too little to live a perfect life.

i think i'm perfect for being the symbol of imperfection and damnation in life -.-

p/s: i'm just talking crap here. ignore me.

Start living!

Things are starting to get really2 boring here.

I need to do something. I need a goal.

I need motivation.

I need to live my life and start LIVING it.

I need a guy friend. (T_T)

I really want a guy friend huhu~

He made me realise something...

I sat in front of my laptop and started browsing for this popular teenage icon or idol or whatever u called it. A Filipino idol. Just browsing him for fun.

I searched for him in facebooks and you-tubes. I watched his videos and browsed through his never-ending pictures. And as i was busy admiring this guy, a thought came into my mind.

I thought, this guy. He's really, really good at dancing. so does his group of friends. This popular guy who were just a background dancer for this one popular male artist turns out to be so famous that it made him into something else; a complete artist himself.

Thats not what i had in mind tho. What i really was thinking at the time what this:

This particular guy. He's so good at dancing. Really good. And i bet its the only thing he's really good at, at least good at the most. Thats why he manage to move forward and climb one step at a time into the peak of something, and ending up starting a real career with his talented skill.

This guy, he started out as a kid. a normal kid, a normal teenager who goes to school and doing stuff like other teenager does. Except that he's good at dancing and that has always been his talent, his passion. And he's good at using it and channeling his skill into the right way too. He channels his talent, his hobby, his skill, this thing he's really good at, he use it to win a lot of school competitions.

And until one day, he used his skill, talent, this thing he's good at, to compete in this audition and he was chosen by the company among with a few other guys who has the talent that he has. He was chosen out of other thousands of guys by this popular company to sign a contract to work as a background dancer for this particular male artist.

And sure enough by watching his video performances, anyone can tell that this guy is really good at dancing and he loved his new job. He started to work as one of the background dancer for this artist and get to know the other chosen guys and work with them as a group. they even named themselves, making themselves as an unofficial group which somehow later became very popular. They perform in front of thousands of fans of the artists and go wherever the artist needs to go.

Soon, the background dancers themselves became popular as an individual, n they also started owning their own fans despite only being the background dancer.

What was more impressing was that not only they became popular, but thousands of fans cheered for THEM when they made an entrance too! They seemed to be as if artists themselves. And because if this, other TV company started noticing them and used them and their popularity to make money; TV companies started hiring these background dancers to work in TV advertisements, TV shows and even acting in dramas!

And then i thought, this kid. He started as a normal kid who just loves dancing and is very good at it; which soon made him famous and climbing up the peak, carving his name among the other popular artists, starting as a mere background dancer who everyone never gives a damn before. No one knew his name even when he started working as a background dancer for the male artist.

But thanks to him and his friends who knew how to find publicity thru Facebooks, Myspaces, Friendsters, you-tubes and a lot of other internet sources, they manage to make themselves known to others and people start noticing this small group of guys who r good at dancing. they started seeing these guys. And soon they become popular as an individual.

I am impressed. Really impressed.

And this guy made me realized something; that everyone is unique.

Everyone has their own unique ability or talent or skill. Some people, like that guy, is really good at dancing. he's just really good at dancing and he knows how to channel it well too. Some are good at treating patients; doctors. Some are good at analysing stones. Some are good at listening to people's problems. Some are good at drawing people or views. Some are good at taking good photos, some are good at cooking. Some are good at taking videos and making good movies. Some are good at writing. Some are good at being mom. Some are good at publicities and making people famous. Some are good at making money.

Basically, everyone is just good at something. Everyone has their own talent, skills, abilities. Everyone knows something or at least is good at something. Heck, even the homeless or drug addicts or ciminals are good at something. The homeless might be good at finding good spots for finding food, warm places, in and out of the cities and shortcuts we never knew exist. Drug addicts might be good at conning people, lying, etc.. And criminals, maybe, are just good at almost everything.

Everyone has something they know best or something they are good at. If you said you don't, trust me, one day you will. And just like that guy, you just need to start off somewhere, and know how to channel your ability well. You may start off as the background, as a nobody, hiding behind the shadows. But soon you will get to find your way out to the light and shine yourself, and climb to the top.

He just made me realize.... That everyone has something they're good at. And we don't need to be jealous of people who are good at this or that.

Because you see, they will also feel jealous with you being good at the things you are good at. You also has some talent or skill or something you know that they dont.

So use them well. And most importantly..

Channel them well. (^^)

p/s: i just suck at finding words for motivation isn't it?

Hate = Obssesion

i hate being obsessed with something.

I hate the feeling, i hate going through the internet and googling and you-tubing and wikipediaing the item or person that i am trully, deeply, freakingly obssessed of.

I hate it so much.

Because its PATHETIC to be obsessed of something, or especially, being obsessed with someone that you know you can never be able to even get close to him/her, let alone having them as your friend or what's more impossible is owning him/her as your beloved one and have that person to love you back the same way.

I hate being obsessed.

Because obsessions often leads to hurtful disappointments.

I learned it the hard way and I've learned to let go of things or stop being too involved with something or someone.

It hurts a lot when you start to become obsessed with someone or something, because disappointment comes along with it as a complete package.

And right now i hate myself a lot for breaking my own set of rules. FFFF me.

p/s: i HATE you-tube. i won't ever open it unless i got a really vitally important business i need to settle which requires me to get it on you-tube. You-tube is the ROOT of obsessions.

!@#$%^&*

I'm pretty satisfied with my final exam.

I really hope my score is better this semester -.-

and now there's one more problem i need to settle before i can exhale with relief

FFFF JPJ TEST!!! BHsbahdkbas bdxhqbw!!!!

Hectic!!!!

THINGS I NEED TO DO!

After exam is over, and during semester break:

1. Finish writing my novels (which takes forever to finish)
2. Take JPJ driving test!!!!
3. Sleepover at my fren's house
4. Watch toys story!
5. watch Kl drift 2

TAGGED!

RULES!

- BOLD the statements that ARE true to you

- ITALICIZE the statements that you WISH were true.

- Leave the fibs alone.

- Then, tag 6 people to do the same test.

• 170cm tall

• I don’t know what I want at the moment.

• I’m not happy.

• I hate my friends.

• I hate my life.

• I hate my grades.

• I can drive

• I’m bored of driving

• I love dancing

• I go clubbing every week

• Shopping is bullshit

• I have a tattoo of a star.

• I got my navel pierced.

• I have friends that take drugs.

• 90% of my friends smoke.

• I still hang out with my ex, even though our break up was rather nasty

• I’m studying Fashion

• I have a business running

• I hate cartoons.

• I hate someone

• I have 10 Lollipops handbags

• I buy CLEO every month

• My parents don’t know about my blog (*my own addition*: LOL)

• I have an iPod

• I don’t have faith in the current “one”.

• My school mates know about my FB

• I wanted to be a fashion designer

• I love rock emo bands.

• I hate it when people cancel last minute meet ups

• My parents have faith in me

• I’ve bought shoes this month

• A blogger bitched about me before

• I hate sports

• I hate Italian food

• I hate meeting new people

• I hate nail polish

• The mother bear gives me hugs.

• People should start appreciating me

• High school was the worst time of my life

• I have red hair

• I’m a guy.

• I’m scared of my Biology result exam which I’m going to face someday tomorrow.

• I hate vacations

• We’ll last

• I believe in long distance relationships

• I’m going to get high and smoke weed one day soon.

• I’ve robbed an old lady.

• I’m starting to like applying make-up

• I was a tomboy

• At times I think I still am a tomboy.

• I love bitching about people behind their backs

• I still have a best friend

• I have a cat

• I hate surprise parties.

• I hate planning parties.

• I’m hot

• I’m a sinner.

• I’ve got a DS light

• I have a Wii

• I can’t live without music

• Video games are a waste of time

• I miss the father bear.

• I love being in love

• I know how to cook

• Boys are assholes.

• I hate Math

• I’m happy with what I have

• I love horror films

• I slept in my parents’ room for 3 days after watching Scream when I was a kid

• My old friends keep in touch with me

• I don’t read newspapers

• The news is such a waste of time

• Blogging is a waste of time

• I hate animals

• I can't live without make-up

• I curse like a pirate.

• I’m happy with my 11 year old car

• I hate people that are smart

• I love Orange juice

• I can’t drink for nuts.

• I believe that everyone in their teens have lost their virginity

• I’ve got a new phone

• I’m going to get a new pair of shoes by the end of this month

• I love swimming

• I haven’t worked out since March

• I think I’m fat

• I love my friends and family

I'M TAGGING MURSYIDAH & SARA SALWANA :P