Scripting or Writing?

After reading a few english novels, i've realized something about myself, about my way of writing.

These writers, they write according to... I really don't know how to put it into words. I mean, they describe not just the settings or storyline, but also unnecessary details which are related to the scene that was happening in the part of the story. REALLY DETAILED details you know. They get the readers to understand every single thing by giving examples or describing information which relates to the message they are portraying.

That's when i realize, mine was utterly different. My way of writing is according to how people should watch in the movie. I tell only the stories they can see and imagine. I don't often tell the description of a character's feelings or thinking; the details which people wouldn't know or wouldn't be shown if you are watching a movie.

Why? well first of all, i don't like wasting my time telling all those, because i prefer the readers to have their own wild guess on empathizing the character's situation or feelings. I want them to think of what's going in actually and taunt them with curiosity. Second of all, i like the mystery of getting the readers to actually feel curious. If i inserted a lot of descriptions on this and that, then the readers will just read for the sake of reading.

And then i began to wonder, is my way of writing a novel... Normal? Is it ok for me to write this way? or is it wrong?

And then i began to realize the reason i wrote that way was because, i was too used of writing scripts during my teenage and childhood times that it influenced my way of writing when i'm writing novels as well.

I wrote scripts during my younger times because that's the only easiest way for a kid to get a story out of her head. Scripts don't need plenty details. Scripts just needed dialogues and movements or whatever description necessary to be shown in a movie. I don't need to put in a lot of detailed thinking or feelings of a character because the readers will do that on their own. They will guess and have their own judgements based on what they see from the movie.

So... Does this mean i actually have no talent to write novels whatsoever?

Does this means, my passion is not actually in writing novels or books, but writing scripts instead?

But bookstores don't sell scripts. They sell books and novels.

And my story is a fantasy genre, which is unlikely appropriate in the film industry in my country. If i'm going to propose my script to any movie producers, they will throw it in the thrash bin.

But when i write them in a novel as a book, it is too much of a script-like story rather than a true novel like how the other books are.

So... What is it that i should do now? What is my passion? is it writing novels or scripts?

And when will i finish this bloody fantasy novel of mine????!! >:(

It was a MISTAKE.

There are so many things i wanted to talk about, but i'm not sure where to start, where to begin.

But one thing is for sure.

I've tried, i really do. But now all i can see are mistakes.

I just can't imagine myself doing THAT job for even the next one year. I really can't.

Aside from the stressful rushing hours, no allocation of time and place for muslims to perform prayers, the environment filled with pork and huge rats, the all-female-domination-of-the-place, the ignorance of religion, the small salary, lonely, and the 'being-evaluated-everyday-and-must-perform-perfectly' work results, i just can't see myself doing that sort of thing.

Yes, i know. It has only been 3 and a half months. It's still too early for me to judge.

No, You-Are-Wrong.

3 and a half months are already LONG enough for me to judge that this job isn't suitable for me.

I mean, it's not that i can't teach. I actually can, no problem. You can ask me to teach and i will do it. I have no problem teaching.

The problem is that, teaching and GAIN their INTEREST in paying attention. That's my big problem; how to gain their attention.

The solution my dear kind colleagues taught me was to change my personality and be a more 'lively' and 'animated' person. It reduced me to dust the moment i heard them say "NO, you HAVE to LEARN to be lively."

I am lively... Only to my family members and to the closest friends who are very limited in my circle of life. But to judge me generally, i am not a lively person. Generally and naturally, i am a very, very, very passive, introvert and a quiet person who prefers to listen instead of talking, who prefers reading or chatting silently on the internet rather than talking and communicating face to face.

I am that kind of person and i am comfortable with the way i am, even if it serves me limited amount of friends.

And this teaching career is forcing me to become a person i am NOT.

Its not that i hate teaching. I just don't like teaching. Yes, that's one of the reason of me deciding that this job was a mistake. But people will say 'hey, having a job doesn't mean you have to like doing it.' Yes i agree.

And like i said, i don't like teaching but i CAN teach if it is necessary. Teaching is not a problem to me.

It's teaching with 'attitude'. That, my friend, is a huge problem for me because it contradicts totally with who i really am.

They wanted me to become who i am not and hate to be, and will never, ever be.

Therefore i have decided. Although i will be disappointing a lot of people with this decision, but it is final; i've tried, i really have tried but teaching career was a mistake.

I admit, being in this job helped enhance my english communication skills. But nevertheless, it was and still is a mistake. I can teach, but i can never teach with an attitude or being 'lively'. That is not me.

My dream is to actually publish my own novel or drama/movie, however i have always been imagining myself working in a corporate environment, ever since i was young. I swore to myself when i was a teen that i will never be a teacher because i know i can't. I've always imagined having my own cubicle, sitting quietly in it for hours, working silently (or pretending to work anyway), and taking short breaks anytime i wanted to, and being stressed in THAT kind of working environment. NEVER teaching.

In fact, i've even been wondering and considering to find the course where i will end up working in my own cubicle when i was taking my SPM. But i failed to find any because people thought of me being ridiculous to actually aim that low, and that they only serve 'big' courses like bio-chemistry, computer engineering and all that sorta stuff.

I know i was being ridiculous, but i don't know why i've always imagined myself having THAT sort of job and would prefer to, because that way, i will be able to just focus on my work and sit silently in my own cubicle without the need to really communicate that much with people. (not to mention the 'pretending to be working' part and will have more free time to actually do what i want as i can steal short breaks whenever i can)

Just kidding. I won't really do that, not often tho. I will do it, but only when i really need it.

I am an introvert, passive, and generally both naturally quiet, who prefers to sit quietly and do my own work instead of talking to people or communicating. Marketing and teaching is not my type of career.

It's more towards having my own cubicle and working in a real office. Yes, that is my type of working environment i feel closer, comfortable and more suitable to my personality.

Therefore i quit the teaching job and i don't regret a single minute of it.

I really hope this future job works out for me just fine.

Pray hard for me please :)

Self-Reminder

I know that i might not be a good person.

I'm a terrible sister, friend, colleague, daughter, employee, slave, etc...

I want to make things right. One at a time.

I know i might not be able to recite the verses fluently like other people who can...

But i want to try. And i want to finish it this time no matter what happens.

Because the last time i recited them, it gave me peace. Just that i was too full of ego to finish the whole thing in front of everyone else because i was ashamed if they found out i am a very slow and weak reciter.

Therefore tomorrow, Dear Allah, please remind me...

Remind me to stay home tomorrow, to perform prayers, to seek forgiveness, and to recite the Yaasin.

I want to. I want to finish it. Please do give me a boost for that tomorrow dear Allah.

Amin.

1st time experiencing car accident

memorable day ever!

Was just going to meet him for the first time, and was waiting for him to come down from his apartment when a car suddenly showed up in front of me.

i wanted to move the car to the left. i miscalculated the distance.

and u know, the car's right tire goes straight into the drain n got stuck there.

luckily it happened inside the police force's apartment area, so a few of them came down with him to help me.

tq so muchhhhh! although it leaves me a wrecked front bumper.

and lesson learned:

dont come near drains again. urgh!

A message for Miss K. Yes, you.

To whom-it-may-concern,

I hope you are reading this. You know who you are Miss K.

I thought i knew you. I thought i could deal with you. I thought i could help you.

He thought he knew you. He thought he could tame you. He thought he could change you.

We loved you and cared for you.

But you never did. Not to yourself.

We did everything in our power to help you change, we did everything we can to protect you from being tainted nor touched again. We did so many things to ensure you won't get your heart broken again nor being used in any way. All you have to do is to listen to him, listen to me, listen to your family, listen to people who care about you. They restrain you with bars and chains because they love you too much.

But you didn't understand. You keep breaking every single lock that distance you away from freedom. You are often led by your innocence of the world, of your naive-self. We knew better, and your family knew better but you never listened.

We lovED you and we carED for you.

Hence, the PAST TENSE.

I don't know what to do with you anymore. He simply gave up on you, led by countless of frustrations and disappointments in you.

But one thing is certain. We had enough. The both of us.

Do what you feel is good for you. I won't stop you anymore, neither will he. You are permitted to break every single rule if you please. But do at least one thing for me please.

Don't involve me, don't let me know about it because i don't want to know and most importantly,

Don't involve our home (if you still feel like living with me since you've blocked me from your facebook and went to work so early in the morning just so you don't have to face and talk to me).

If you feel like leaving, please leave some money for the water and electricity bill as well as your last part of the rent on the table in the living room, along with the keys for the gate, the front door and your bedroom door on the table. write a note on a piece of paper, clarifying that you will leave/have left the house and have left nothing of your property.

If you still feel like staying, i don't mind. Stay all you want. Don't worry, we'll take this matter professionally. I'll act as if the argument between us never happened, and i will remain ignorant on your personal life from now on. We will still remain as housemates, except that we will be the housemates who are not involving anything personal with each other.

And again, please remember the rules above.

Don't involve me, don't let me know anything of your personal life anymore because i really had enough, and DON'T INVOLVE OUR HOME.

Yours Sincerely,

Someone who used to care about you.

Family vs Friend/Boyfriend

I don't like being too close to anyone other than my family.

Because the closer you are to someone, the more you care and love for someone, the worse the pain becomes when they started hurting you.

Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends etc... They can leave you just like that when things might go ugly between you and them. They can walk away from your life and erase you from their chapters as if you and them had been strangers all these while. Friends, boyfriends, etc.. They can walk away when things go ugly because they have a choice.

But not families. Families stick together. Families are there and will always be there for you since you were born right until the very moment you rest your eyes forever.

Family ties, bond, and the same blood flowing in each member are permanent and remain true no matter how hard you try to deny it; the blood within your veins and your family members' veins are one of the same and it unites you and them together...

Even when you don't disagree with them or the other way around...

Even when you had a world war 3 argument with them...

Even if you and them hate each other so much, you just can't deny that his/her blood is flowing in you too, and they have a stronger connection to you more than anyone else you knew. They live under one roof with you since you were born, they knew you better than your best friend in the world.

Family will never leave you no matter what happen because they are your family.

Family will never leave you when you go through ugly times with them or anyone else because they can't. They never have the choice. Even if they claim to disown you, the blood in you and them are still the same. Fact remains fact. The bond cannot be untied.

Whereas your best friends or boyfriends or husbands or wives can choose to leave you and have the right to pretend you and them are strangers after they walk away because they have no connection to you whatsoever, even if you claim your bond with them is way stronger than with your families.

That is why, i don't like to be too close with people other than my family. That is why i will always have a gap between me and those unrelated to me. That is why i often feel uncomfortable to share too much, or being me, or being engaged in a 2 way conversation with people other than my family.

I love my family to death and no one knows me best other than them.

Because no matter how much we argue, i know my family will never walk away from my life unlike my previous/current friends/boyfriends.

I hope this clear things out to those people who felt bewildered with my behavior when trying to socialize with me.

But that doesn't mean i don't appreciate my current friends. I appreciate them a lot and i still socialize with them. I just happen to feel more comfortable being with my family members that's all.

Because i won't know when will my current friends leave me and pretend we never know each other. Being too close or give too much love and care towards people other than your family will hurt you in the end. Don't deny me, i know all of you have similar experiences.

No matter how much you love your boyfriends/girlfriends/friends/husbands/wives, remember to love you family way more.

Because family have always been there for you and will always be there for you, and the connection you have between you and them are eternal and lasts forever.

Ranting on the next phase in life.

Been so busy lately that i hadn't had time to even update my blog. Besides, there's not much to talk about anymore except for the the stress and busyness after embracing the next phase in life; work.

Apart from teaching the kids who are never tired of driving me to wits end, i really don't know what to talk about. Just that i feel stress working long hours and being THIS busy, and always need to rush things, always need to do preparation for teaching, and always, always, always need to perform well every single day as i am evaluated and judge by my boss and colleagues daily. Since i've started working here, i've been so busy till i haven't had time to actually sit peacefully in my house, listen to the melodious songs in my playlist and continue the novel i've been working on.

Every single day i need to go to work as early as 8.15am and finishes at 6.30ish. You think i have free time at night? hell no. Once i came back home at night (feeling exhausted of course), i need to wash my clothes (i wash them everyday) and need to finish an evaluation form for the classes i taught earlier (of which i need to comment on specific details of EACH STUDENT in class and the activities), not to mention the need to prepare like tons of questions and outlining the storyline of a certain storybook for tomorrow's lesson.

And i need to steal some time during the busy working hours to mark the kids' exercise books as we cannot bring them back home (it's a strict rule in my workplace).

The tedious, never ending paperwork that comes by every single day... Adding with very, very, very less holidays for the workers, and not being able to take leave at all without any really, really, extremely reasonable reason. Even if we really had a reasonable reason, we can only take a day only... If possible, the boss would prefer half-day.

I asked my boss on leaves for marriage (just in case if i am going to get married and all) and she said the company only give 2 days leave and thats just it. Nice right?

Believe me, there's not a single day that went by without me thinking of when to quit my job and start being jobless again, and start finding another job. This job right now is FREAKING TIRING and the pay isn't at all worth the effort. Less pay, too much work, too little leave and holidays, strict rules and etc.

Why am i here? yeah i question that everyday too. I hate this job i'm doing right now. But i keep my head up and strengthen myself to face this stupid work the next day by reminding myself that i am working there for only temporary and i will quit one day to find a better job that gives better payment and satisfaction. I'll give myself 2 years max and i'll quit after that. The reason i work there now is to gain the experience so that i can write in my resume that i have a few years of working experience than having to write 'fresh graduate: zero working experience' in the title of the resume, and hopefully have a better chance of getting a better job.

Oh yeah, and i've been wandering around an expo that was advertising houses with my friend one day. One of the company is selling this huge, luxurious looking house that made me fell in love straight away. And then i immediately wonder "How the hell am i going to afford this kind of house and life with this stupid job with small pay that i am having right now?"

So since then i planted a desire in myself... I am determine to start planning big and aim for bigger things in life than just going with the flow (as in going to work with small pay, do normal things after work, sleep, and continue working again and being paid with small salary again). I need to think of a way to afford that kind of house, and to afford expensive cars. There's always a way and i'm going to think of one.

Oh, and also thinking of ways to not let my passion dies again too.

Right now i can only afford small apartment with very, very, very little furniture (which makes me feel sad at times to see this house so empty as if a robber had came and robbed us). But i'm happy enough and i feel comfortable enough already.

But then, i am determine not to let this current situation goes on for too long. Don't get me wrong. It's not that i am not grateful, i really actually am. I am happy with my current situation now, but i am determine to do better.

At least for the sake of my comfort, my parents' comfort, and my future husband and kids (if i have any later).

But right now, all i can do is to stay strong to go through these tedious work for a few years before i move on to something better, or until I've come up with a better plan to afford the expensive house, cars and dreams i targeted. (hopefully, Insyaallah).

Please pray for me to be able to find a way to escape this new hell asap.

p/s: at least this new hell pays me(although very little and doesn't suit my level of education), instead of having to bust my ass for free.

a Miracle...

Recently i often had this urge of wanting to buy the Tafsiran Al-Quran because i wanted to read it, to really understand the words from Allah Himself. I wanted to understand every sentence in the book and comprehend the deep message from the Superior God. However until today i still haven't had the chance to buy it yet due to lack of income, but i will buy it one day Insyallah.

Recently i also began to wonder things related to God. Sometimes i would just stare up at the sky and wonder, is He looking at me right now? is He up there somewhere in the sky? Does He feels angry with the sins i kept on doing repeatedly? Will He ever be able to forgive my sins for i have committed so many on purpose?

at times i feel ashamed to really face Him and ask Him for help or anything, because i feel i don't deserve His kindness. I mean, who am i? i'm not a pious Muslim at all. in facr, i rarely prayed to him. i knew i am supposed to, but yet i did it again and again. i also have lied to someone and destroyed that person's life. And until today i still cannot stop my habit of doing something really bad. I committed a lot of sins to Him continuously and has made Him angry for the millionth times. Does someone like me deserves to be helped or asking a favor to the Lord? i don't think so. In fact, i feel so, so, so embarrassed to do so after committing so many sins. I am not even sure if i will ever be forgiven.

Nevertheless, it never stopped me from remembering Him. yes, i am just a mere human and i admit i do forget Him most of the time. But let me tell you something.

Have you ever experienced crying till your head hurts so much? i did, and not only i experienced it when my beloved ones hurt my feelings, but i've also cried that way when remembering Allah, and recalling how terrible of a slave i am to Him.

Everytime the topic about God popped out by friends or families, i will always avoid it. If i couldn't do that, i would always use the word 'GOD' instead of 'ALLAH'. Why?

Because i feel so embarrassed to even call His name when i am a terrible Muslim myself. I feel i don't deserve to call Allah by His name. I feel disgusted with myself for tainting such a pure name if i do say it with my filthy mouth which have told lies and committed the sins. i am terribly ashamed to Allah with my sins that i cried so hard till my head hurts when i do prayed. I felt so afraid if He won't be able to forgive me, and i hate myself so much for being unable to actually change for good.

In face right now i am crying while writing this. I've just watched the video 'Freedom of Choice' and it showed how majestic Allah is and His entire creations. I felt touched by how majestic Allah can be and what he had done for us and the world to the point where i cried like a baby watching it. I cried with amazement, amazed by creations and powers of Allah. Subhanallah, i feel so small and weak comparing to Him. Even saying the word of praising God has made me cried.

If given a choice, i would like to lie down calmly for a few minutes this one day (or night) and to just stare at the sky, thinking 1001 questions and wonders regarding our Lord. I really am grateful for being a Muslim and i begged so many times in my heart, begging to Allah to not let me go astray, to always guide me to continue remembering Him. I don;t want my belief to fade or heading towards the wrong side of the road. i want to stay in the true path even though i am sinned. I want to always be able to remember Him and knows confidently that i am not lost. i want to always constantly be reminded of Him so that i won't forget.

But then, do i deserve to be forgiven when i keep repeating the same sins all over again? do i even deserve a place in His heart when i am ashamed with him and my own sins?

p/s: Subhanallah, a magical thing just happened. While i was feeling so down writing and thinking of this thing, suddenly my sister called me out of the blue and told me what i should do when i feel down. My heart skipped a beat when i heard her saying that...

How did she know i was really down, in fact, was crying? I asked her and she said she don't know why but she suddenly felt like telling me that.

Subhanallah... Allah really listened to my prayers, He listened every word of my cries and helped comforting me by channeling through my sister. Ya Allah... Soon after my sister hung up, i cried again.. It was an indescribable feeling. Allah Himself had actually listened to my cries and COMFORTED me... Ya Allah... I felt so, so, so touched to the deepest heart that i can't stop crying and repeatedly thanking Him... I am so deeply touched that He still listens and feels concern of a horrible slave like myself to the point that He showed to me His great power straight away... Is this His way of saying that i am finally forgiven?

Ya Allah, thank you so much... I've never felt so blessed by You my entire life... Thank you... Thank you, thank you, thank you so, so so much.... <:')

secrecy

i hate secrets.

and i hate keeping secrets for people.

especially those who i am very fond with, those who put their trust in me that i wont reveal anything, even if i need to lie about it to make sure it stays a secret.

even if i have to lie to those who care for me and the particular person.

i hate the burden of carrying a secret, and i hate when people being secretive about things with me as well.

i just... hate secrets.

it makes me feel depressed.

A special thanks to [insert name here].

i can't believe it.. I finally made it here in Cheras!

With the help of my family members (love ya guys shooo much!) who help me carry the stuff all the way up to the third floor, who lend me money for the house deposit n help persuade the person to lend me some, dad who lend me the car, my mom who help me equipping my new house to make it feel like a decent home, who drove me up here and help me find the house, help me shopping stuff, even help me pack the bags inside the car, nothing i do will be able to repay ur deeds (T,T)

I really will do my best with this new job. I will experience and i will do my best to excel in this new job. (so nervous, i still dont know what to expect on my first day tomorror T.T)

Tho there were a few issues that happened just now which made me feel like hell, but things have past and at least now, i'm comfortable in my new comfy home (^^)

Which reminds me of the extreme exhaustion i feel right now, due to driving for hours and even got lost on the way, and taking the bags and stuff up and down the stairs... the 3RD FLOOR, and WITHOUT AN ELEVATOR. -.- if i dont lose a few kilos by the end of this year, ima burn the building!

I love the new place.. It seems a bit quiet tho (from the balcony) but it feels comfortable. Thank you so, so much. I really love the new place and i love my family members for helping me out (^.^) for the last time, thank you so much~!

Gonna start a new life with my new housemate starting tomorrow :D

It's.... It's ALIIIIIVEEEE!!!!

My addiction and passion in writing has return.

It was a pain in the ass at first, but once i start to get the hang of it, the ideas and the passion began pouring like waterfall again.

It was like love at first sight :)

And all i want is to just... Write...

To the point where i had a headache, fall asleep on the bed for a couple of hours at night, wake up in the middle of midnight just for the sake of continuing the part of the story where i left it.

When the passion and obsession is burning inside me, i won't give a damn about the world anymore :) Only me, and tools to write; that is all i see.

Also, special Thanks to my fellow sisters who'd been encouraging me to write again.

Wuv yaaa~ <3

What is there in Marriage???

I got a lot of things to talk about actually. Different things. And i don't know which one should i tell first or how should i start telling the whole thing without babbling too much on other less important matters.

Oh well, there i go again :)

But let start things with this latest issue that happened recently.

My third friend is getting married; the friend where we used to hang out together during recess at school, the friend where i sit together with each time 'religion lesson' comes up in the schedule, the friend we hang out at the library with, two of my highschool friends i know, are married.

Damn, i feel old.

Which then made me wonder... How i really appreciate single life (for now)

I mean, look at them. They're still young and there they go ending their care-free life by carrying a heavy responsibility on their shoulder? aren't they afraid? Well I do at least. I don't think i'm ready and might never will. I am afraid of the responsibilities of marriage because marriage isn't a temporary play-time-thing like when how we played 'kahwin-kahwin' during our childhood, and just call it a day and return to our parents once we've finished playing wife or husband, or got bored of it, no. Marriage is REAL, and the responsibilities of caring for our other half once we are entitled to the oath and vows, is no game. The key to heaven, NOR hell, lies in how well we drive our marriage.

And how WELL we care for our husband (as for women)

If you're asking me, i'm a terrible girlfriend myself, a terrible daughter and terrible cat-owner, let alone getting myself to be someone's wife; i'm gonna be a TERRIBLE wife, and that will book me a ticket straight to hell. I'm not ready yet for that.

I'm not ready to face the arguments that will come after marriage, i am not ready to actually carry the duties of a wife, and i am certainly not ready yet to let go of my freedom (of being able to flirt with guys without any commitment whatsoever).

And then i wonder... Are they?

They let their freedom go so early, to commit and be a 'slave' to a man for their eternity (if given a chance that they have married the wrong kind of guy), and if they did married the wrong guy, there is no turning back and you're stuck with him for the rest of your life. Why did they destroy and let go of what they have now to risk themselves into that kind of world? to sink themselves to that kind of problems? i mean, why too early?

Aren't they afraid of making the wrong choice? aren't they afraid of the responsibilities they will be facing? are they that confident in carrying out that kind of duty?

Marriage isn't just about legalizing sex. It's a ticket to a much larger problem. A BIGGER problem, and that will add once they get a few babies on the way.

The arguments, the conflicts, the chance of your husband cheating on you just because he can, the responsibilities of a wife, the doing-house-chores-and-be-ur-husband's-slave-when-he-gets-back-from-work, the taking-care-of-babies-that-your-husband-won't-help-you-with, worrying about money to raise the kids, to set food on the table, for the kid's clothes, education, the ego-wars, the ARGUMENTS, the endless nights of crying, the feeling of being forced to stay loyal to a man you might lose your interest with after passing years, the feeling of betrayal, the tears, the pain of giving birth, the pain when your husband ignores you when you need someone most, the pain of not being able to find or be with another guy that could actually really make you happy without being labelled heavily sinned and unforgivable...

And the list goes on and on and on...

I can list down a thousand more fears of marriage if you really want me to. The reasons above are just small part of it.

And hell yeah, i'm NOT ready to marry to face even one of the above.

And i wonder WHY my friend were, and were not afraid nor having the slightest doubt in their minds and hearts for letting go of their freedom... Just to be a 'slave' to a man who might stop appreciating them and find a new girl after a few years.

I just can't make out any sense out of their actions.

Love? PFFFFTTTT~ love won't even reason you with HALF of the problems you will be facing afterwards, my friends. Love, easy come and easy go. THAT is love. and LOVE is certainly not a good reason for me to believe that you're gonna give up your whole life to enslave yourself to the man who might will only make u suffer.

Why? Because too me, love is a very stupid reason to risk yourself for a doomed eternity. Eternal is a LONG time. To me, you, your freedom and your life now is far too valuable to deserve such torment caused by marriage. Sure you'll get married soon anyways. But for sure, it shouldn't be THAT young. They are wasting their youth to face an early torment. And to me that is such a stupid thing to do, even stupider if their reason was 'love'.

I just don't understand them.

Oh well. I just hope things will work out for them; which i believe it won't.

p/s: i'm sorry, i'm just sharing my honest opinion.

The History of a Dead Corpse Called 'Passion'.

Just now i was reading my old script series i wrote during secondary school.

In case if you were wondering what script i was talking about, let me enlighten you a bit on that. During my childhood years, i had this dream of a good story. I woke up and started writing the story line of that particular dream in script writing. After that i figured. "Hey, why not elaborate the story a bit and make it like a story? i mean,

the dream was good but it only went halfway. I might as well put a good ending to it."

And so i continued writing the whole story, creating a plot and all sorts of nonsense in my school's exercise book. I wrote all those things spontaneously. I didn't really planned the whole plot, i just go on writing whatever crap i wanna write in the story. After that, i read them to my sisters like a bedtime story and they loved it. I loved the attention and i loved it when my crap story actually had 'fans' although they were only my sisters. And so instead of leaving the ending to just that, i continued the series and keep on writing and writing and writing and writing and writing.... Motivated by the eagerness of my sisters' curiosity of wanting to know what happen next in the story. And then i started to become addicted to write to the level where i wrote the

script story EVERY FREE TIME i could find, and even continuously writing the story when i was supposed to be paying attention to other much more important matters (such as school).

I started writing when i was about 10 years old, or 11, i think. I wrote the first series called 'Team Knight Rider' from the tv drama i watched. It was about a team of some sort of secret organisation where they have talking cars as their partners for missions. I fell in love with the story, i dreamed a good intro and continue to write in scripts (and using ENGLISH, not malay) using my school exercise books untill it reached over 30 books. Then we moved to a new home and i don't know where those book series have gone to. <:( i really would love to read them back.

When i was around 11 or 12 (i think), i fell in love with 'Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone' movie. Again, i dreamed a good intro. But this time i didn't write them down just yet. I told my sisters about the dream, then i continued the story each night verbally, not by writing. It's like telling my sisters a good bedtime story by verbal and not reading them from a book. But then i found out it's way more difficult to keep track of my story if i do it verbally. So i continued the part of the story where i stopped with my sisters, and started writing them in scripts like how i did with my previous story. Again, I got so addicted of writing them to the point where i can hardly eat, drink or stop. All i could ever think of was to write, write, and write more (and i've reached 31 exercise books, the THICK and THIN ones combined together).

I never experienced any writer's block back then and come to think of it, how the hell did i manage to come up with such good plots for the series without proper planning? i did them all spontaneously for heaven's sake! and i was just 13 back then. O_o

When i was 14, i realized that i can never have the chance to publish my scripts that i've spent my precious times writing. Why? because Harry Potter is someone else's character. It has a copyright of it's own. I can get sued if i publish them. So i started to plan a new story, and began to create my own character, with the help and inspiration from 'a few people'. I began to actually PLAN the plot instead of writing spontaneous craps like how i did back then.

And the addiction came back to me like being washed by the cool and harsh waves of the ocean. I was engulfed by the addiction of writing and the attention from my sisters that i continued on writing every free time i could find at school and home until i was known well to my classmates and close friends as 'Harry Potter' and the kid who write scripts. When i started the new story at 15 years old, i began to do proper planning for the plots and all, but still inserting spontaneous jokes and scenes here and there everytime some crazy random idea crossed my mind. I continued this addiction of mine until i reached 17, and then i had to stop half-way due to the need of focusing for SPM.

I promised myself i will continue to write the story after SPM, but what happen was that after i left the addiction for a few months, i started experiencing lost of interest in writing the scripts, and the addition of writer's block. My sisters' interest in listening to my story too started to fade due to the long-term of no story-telling bedtime st

ories from me, in addition of growing mature over time (as they have turned into teenagers and no longer feel interested with foolish bedtime stories =_=).

Hence, the plot and the script writing of the particular story was done half-way since i was 17, until today when i am already 22. The addiction of writing was forgotten ever since.

And now we are back to the main topic of the post today. Just now, i've just finished reading the old scripts i wrote back when i was in secondary school. Yes, the whole series i've done. After i read them all, my emotions was stirred into a mixture of being impressed with my own masterpiece as well as hatred.

Now when i'm 22 and reading back the addiction i had when i was a teen, I became impressed with my old self. I was impressed with my own ability to actually write these scripts. I was impressed and puzzled with how i could come up with such humorous as well as breath-taking plots i created myself. I got so preoccupied with the scripts i wrote myself that i even laughed like hell and could't get my hands off the books reading the funny as well as suspense scenes i don't remember writing. It was like i was reading series of script-writing story/plot which was written by another whole different person; not me; not the one who is laughing reading the story at that time. After reading them, I was also impressed by the effort and obsession i had which enabled the old me to actually write THESE scripts.

Which then made me wonder...

Where have all those addiction gone to? Where was the old me who was so engulfed by so many ideas? Where have all my creativity and addiction of writing gone to? Why can't i write well like how i did in the past? Why can't i think of any random craps to write in the exercise book anymore? Why do i feel fearful and too careful to plan and continue to write the stuff i left years ago? Why can't i be the same person i was 5 years ago? Why can't i write anymore?

Where have all my passion in writing disappeared to?

And that is when the hatred came to me; hating myself for stopping the series just to focus on my SPM; which came out a bunch of crap anyways. Just because i wanted to focus on SPM, i've accidentally killed my passion and addiction in writing. Just because of the stupid SPM which i never manage to scored anyway, i've lost my only one aspiration and passion i had which've kept me going and alive all these while.

Back then, i was so passionate to write, so full of interest, ideas, creativity, motivation, obsession, passion and addiction to write that i don't give a damn about my homeworks, teachers, friends, and all those other crap i faced. I was too preoccupied with my own passion that i don't give much damn to problems around me.

Back then, I was happy and i had a purpose in life; to become a writer/script-writer one day, to have my own novel/drama, to see my characters i create to come to life.

But now? Where are they now? Where is my purpose in life? Where is my one aspiration i had and held on to? All gone because of a stupid need to focus for SPM.

Because of SPM, i've forgotten the intense addiction towards the satisfaction of writing down the ideas which came pouring like a waterfall. I've forgotten how it feels like to hold a pen and start writing on a piece of paper, leaving me no real world, intoxicating me with the ecstasy of creativity and my own imaginary world i wrote down in scripts.

I tried to regain my passion. I tried to write back again, but i don't understand why i failed to do just that. I feel much more insecure now, i feel scared and too cautious to write because of the fear of writing the wrong idea, the wrong plot.

Back then, i had a good sense of humour that even i laughed at my own jokes in the scenes myself. But now, i can't even start writing the first word to continue the story from where i left it.

I feel myself 'aging', losing the creativity, purpose and passion i once had in me. I can't help myself from drowning my eye surface with watery tears recalling this.

I envied my friend who still have her passion and creativity in drawing. She started during her teenage years and she has become a lot better now, even more skillful. But the passion of writing in me had just... Died.

And i tried so hard, so desperate to revive that long-lost passion but i can't. I failed.

Reading those stories i wrote, made me missed the lame old me so much; the old me who doesn't give a care in the world about silly problems in life and only focused on her one true purpose which have kept her alive, sane and most of all; satisfied.

5 years ago, I once was 'alive'. I was satisfied enough by just writing. 5 years ago, i had a dream, i had a purpose, i had a goal which kept me 'alive'.

But now... As my sister said, "Life happened."

Now, i'm no different than the adult zombies who seek nothing but any jobs that pays for his/her living. I don't have that spark in me anymore. There are no such things as passion and dreams and goals anymore; just the strive and need to find money to pay for one to stay alive.

Like a zombie.

I missed me.

I missed 'them'.

I want them back. So, so, so much. But i don't know how anymore.

Summary of Trip

Just got back from the trip to Kuantan with her.

And i still can't believe i have traveled halfway across semenanjung malaysia without my family.

I don't know why i didn't feel like a stranger to the place at all although it was my first time being there, and it only took her about 2 days to get me around her hometown, but i already felt like i've known that place for years, thanks to her :)

And i loved her parents. They treated me so nice and gave me a warm welcome that i don't feel awkward staying there at all. After all the things i heard about her dad, i was kinda surprised when i found out how well he treated me and her daughter with my own eyes.

And after all those things i heard about her mother, i was surprised to see how kind she was to me.

After seeing her parents myself, it's just so hard for me to believe the bad things i heard about them really did happened, because to me it seemed impossible. How can i? They are both such nice old married couple who loves their daughter and the whole three family member were able to mix so well, even better than how i mix with my parents.

I never laughed sincerely and tell my dad stuff like how she did with hers. I never share anything with my dad. I never let him barge in my personal life and he never bothered to anyway. I never share any info on anything worth telling to him like how i did to my mom. To me he is just an image of authority in the house that does his own things and manage his own life alone. I never mix or socialize so well with him like how she did with her dad.

Which amazed me in a way after recalling how much she despised her own father in the past (if i am not mistaken from what i heard). I was impressed with how well she mixed with her parents and how much love she showed to them despite of them hurting her so bad.

I was so impressed because i know deep down i never and will never have that kind of value in me like her. I will never able to mix well with my dad no matter how hard he will try. I don't know why but i just can't.

Yes, ego plays a role in this too.

And throughout the whole time when she drove me all around her hometown, apart from feeling excited and impressed, i felt something else as well.

Something else building inside me.

That 'terkilan' feeling.

Because to me, it should have been him who was there with her. He would have made her so happy if it was him who was with her instead of me. I felt like i was only filling a blank/gap between them tho i really felt so, so, so satisfied and happy to have actually been to her place to the point where i can already memorize the streets of Kuantan within only 2 days.

Then again, it just can't happen that way.

I am reaching closer to the border which defines the degree of one's sanity.

How i wish he makes this so much easier for me. Why can't you just make me lose my mind already. <:(

I appreciate & love her as a best friend, but i know i can never, ever replace 'him' and gave her the happiness he gave her in the past. I know it just won't be the same.

We want you back, I want you back. So, so, so bad that i felt i'm almost losing my mind by denying what i should be doing <:'(

Misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding ?

Girl: Do i ever cross ur mind?
Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really

Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or ur life
Boy: my life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

There are no words to describe how much i hate you right now.

I don't know to use what kind of words to actually described his disgusting selfishness.

We have been friends for so long.

He had lied to me and bragging to me about this other person's success by claiming it was his. Yes, without even the slightest feeling of embarrassment AT ALL.

Why? His excuse was to 'punish' me for my 'lies and sins'. But then there was no need for him to actually dragged that lie for months if it was for the cause of punishment right? But yes, he did it anyway, and i suspect it was due to enjoying the attention i'd been giving to him when he bragged about the fake success of his.

We have been friends... Good friends... For so long... And he made me think he was actually a good male best friend of mine (finally) who actually cared for me. He made me think he likes me and that i am his best female friend too.

Turns out, the truth unfolded just a few minutes ago by DESTINY.

Turns out he was lying to my face all these time i trusted him, and worse, had FEELINGS for him. He never trusted me, he never cared for me.

In fact he only used me as a tool to cure his boredom and more sinister stuffs.

I was only a tool. I meant nothing to him. Zero. Nothing at all.

I was a mere FFFFF TOOL he USED. There was never such thing as 'friendship' between us in the first place. i just realized that it was only me who got that thought of 'being-more-than-just-friends' carried away.

I wasn't even considered a friend. I was a TOOL.

Way back in the past, he used me to entertained himself when he was bored.

And he used me to satisfy his sinister desires.

But i still remained ignorant, purposely blinded myself to an idiotic faith that he actually had feelings for me but might feel shy to admit it. I had that stupid hope in myself, thinking he actually cared eventhough the signs were everywhere.

But then just now, he did it again.

When he finally got posted near me, He asked if we can meet, because he was bored and want me to take him out for a stroll in the city because he has no transport to go anywhere.

Nope. There was no words from him that indicates being excited to actually meet his best female friend (as if) at all. He wanted me to take him out to the city due to being bored and the absence of transportation to fulfill his wish.

And then it finally hit me like a ton of bricks burying me to the top.

I WAS A FFFF TOOL TO HIM.

A mere tool.

And now he wants to use me as his driver next, his means of transportation to go for a spin around the alien city he just arrived at.

He wasn't feeling excited to meet me at all. He just sees me as a TOOL for him to use now and then.

And when i got upset, he attacked me with a text message:

"Saya tak faham dgn awk ni sbnrnya. Awak nak apa dgn sy hah?"

OH... MY... GOD.

The pain struck me so deep, i can actually feel my hands trembling cold in ABSOLUTE FURY.

The next thing i know is attacking him back and shoving that act of disgusting selfishness to his face. I have been patient for too long already.

After i read the text message, all i can feel is hatred and anger to the person i have always assumed my best friend.

And strong feelings of DISGUST with his SELFISHNESS.

This time, i am not exaggerating. He absolutely disgusts me.

And then i realized, what good nor benefits has he ever done nor provide me as long as we've been friends apart from giving me false hope & misguided signs? None.

What a FFFFFF bastard you are, 'FRIEND'.

And thank you so much to God for finally opening my eyes and heart by showing to me his true nature. Thank you so, so, so much.

Pre-Suicide

You have no idea how bad i wanted it.

And just because i stood up on doing something that is right, my dream was gone.

Vanished. Poof. Gone with the wind.

The person apologized, but an apology won't be able to bring back my dreams .I felt like crying so bad the moment i heard it. But i held them back. I forced myself to burn the fuel of anger rather than depression. I hated what i heard.

Once i returned, i felt like a zombie. I never were able to reached that dream in the past. Almost, but didn't. But i didn't mourn over it whatsoever, because at least there was still HOPE.

But now... Nothing. The dream shattered to nothing. There was no hope left. None.

Today i feel as if living in an empty shell, filled with nothing but frustration & soon-to-come-depression. In the past, AT LEAST THERE WAS HOPE.

But now, there is absolutely nothing i can hold on to. Now that i've learned the facts, the light that once shone within the dark path i am going through has now disappear.

I was throwing effort to find my way out from this dark path in the past. With that LIGHT, i knew somehow or someday i will find my way to escape from the dark trap eventually. I had that HOPE.

But after listening to the cold hard fact by that person, it was as if a strong wind suddenly blew towards my face hence putting out the light.

Leaving me in the dark. Lost. No more hope of finding the way out.

And no one to help me out.

When i finally had a dream, people take it away from me.

Leaving me an empty shell.... Filled with nothingness.

The future seems dark for me.

I didn't know if anyone noticed yet but...

I REALLY WANT A JOB.

A STABLE, CLEAN job that doesn't have anything to do with ruining other people's lives.

I rejected my last job offer not only because i hate sales & marketing.

It was also due to the selfishness of the organisation/company itself.

It forces students to pay registration fees as much as RM500 for those who wants full ptptn loan, or RM2200 for those who just wants half of the ptptn loan.

And where will the money goes next?

Not towards the development of the place, that is what i know for sure. Because i've been there and all i see are empty rooms with a few chairs and tables. No proper facilities. Nothing. Even the BIG BOSS's office is soooo small and has only a table, a chair, and a drawer for keeping files. No carpet, no curtains, nothing. The education facilitator's room is EMPTY. Heck, the university was already established since 1993! and still there were not much progress going on. Just a few empty rooms, plastic chairs and folding tables.

The organisation got so much money from the students, coming from the registration fees & tuition fees! it was HELL EXPENSIVE! and for sure it will burden a lot of students who doesn't have the chance to pursue their studies within the government universities. But then, where did the money went if they weren't being invested for the development of the university?

You wanna know where the students' hard-earned-money all went? Not the university's development nor the education in any way.

The money went into the pockets of the employees of the university. Hence, the salary of RM3300 per month.

Education is NOT about a business deal. Its about giving the education to people who didn't get lucky enough to be accepted by the government universities.

And this stupid unknown private university is just taking advantage of the unlucky students' money to put into their own pockets. That is pure evil, selfish & cruel.

I don't want a job that ruin people's lives too. therefore the explanation above was also the reason why i rejected the job offer.

But then. i really WANT a job. A stable job that pays for my PTPTN loan.

OMG, Wow. PTPTN huh? i just thought of that (O_O). I need to pay back the loan! (O.o) and i might not be able to have a perfectly STABLE job for a long time! (due to the problemsUNIHELL is creating)

three people already offered to help me and i am grateful for their kindness... but... all three of them went quiet until today. Leaving me *STILL* jobless. (T_T)

I sent my resumes to A LOT of companies already, both HOTELS & TEACHING JOBS. (By email and internet of course huhu~) and all of them still has no response at all, until today. Quiet, leaving me *STILL* jobless.

I've went to only one interview so far and rejected the stupid job anyway.

I've sent my resume & job application face to face to a hotel in seremban, knowing i might not be able to get a job since i didn't write the position i am applying in the form. (since i dont really know what job in a hotel suits a TESL degree graduate like me)

And now i feel miserable... JOBLESS & miserable.

adding with the pressure UNIHELL is giving regarding the stupid transcript & my degree cert.

If i really give a thought about this, i would be crying in my room for days, being depressed like how i was back when i was 16 and 18.

i went into a total depression regarding my future when i was 16 & 18 like how i am facing now.

16 yrs old: worrying about not being able to cope with science subjects and not being able to drop them too. i cried in the penolong kanan pengetua's office and cried like hell in the toilet afterwards, and i cry at home everyday after school.

18 yrs old: worrying about being rejected by government universities and not being able to pursue my studies. I cried almost everyday and degrade myself by loathing and despising myself as the days pass by. i did this since dec 2006- jul 2007. A LONG TIME.

And now, the 'deciding my future' phase has come again. NOW.

22 yrs old: The phase where i need a job and fail to be accepted by every companies i have applied, and not being able to get a stable job to pay for my ptptn loan nor to live LIKE A NORMAL ADULT.

I'm afraid i might burst into depression again soon.

Facing lonely days and nights full with tears and despising myself.

I hate myself. so FFFFFF much.

It opened my eyes & heart. :)

I did the most coolest thing today, and this ought to be one of the historical moments in my life.

I went to an interview, Finally got the job, and ending up rejecting it in the end.

By that, i mean by rejecting a job of RM3300 per month salary.

Why? Here's the thing.

I was expecting this job to be something, SOMETHING you know. But the moment i stepped into the office, the only thing the interviewer talked about is describing how and what should i do to get new students registering in that particular university.

He didn't even touched my resume nor certificates.

Which gave me this idea that "He would even accept an SPM-leaver kid to do this job, as long as that kid brings students to register in the university."

So was that 4 years of hardship in UNIHELL worth it for this job? When he doesn't even care about my education level or how well i did in UNIHELL? All he cared about is my potential in bringing in new clients (of which i never will have the guts to do it) and not my grades or education level (despite the high salary).

If i accept that sales & marketing job, i think my 4 years of hard work in UNIHELL was useless. he doesn't givadamn about the grades. he gives a damn about how much money i can make.

Of which i can do without going through 4 years of hardship in the first place.

The salary was of course, tempting. But i get the hang of myself and decided that i CANNOT ACCEPT THIS JOB. I CAN'T DO IT AND NEVER WILL.

Because my 4 years of hard work will go to waste.

Because i am currently not that desperate to get a job.

Because I am not good, never will, and HATE sales & marketing jobs.

Because I want to work hard for my dream job and not wanting to be stuck committing towards the company working the job i hate most for the next 10 or 20 years to come.

I came to that place with a strong hope, and i left with pride.

I won't sell my soul to the Devil of Life just to get a lot of money, and ending up living the rest of my days as a miserable, unhappy, unsatisfied, pathetic, soulless, upset woman who hates her job she is doing and will continue to do forever.

No. I can't do that job. I CAN'T.

Thus i ending up rejecting the offer and walk out empty handed, but with a relieved heart knowing i made a correct decision.

There are plenty of other jobs in the sea.

I will work my way from bottom to top in a hotel enviroment even if it means becoming only as a receptionist at first and having a small salary.

but i am HAPPY to work that way, rather than selling my soul to the Devil just for the sake of money. I know i won't be happy and i dont wanna be stuck doing that crappy job and being too late in chasing the dream job.

I want the experience of working in a hotel, climbing my way up despite the small salary. (hey, i'm still single and have no current commitment towards any liabilities yet allright?)

NEVER SALES & MARKETING.

Happiness is much worth it for the last hated 4 years of hardship. I spent 4 years taking and studying a course i hated and i wont want to spend another 20 years working a job i hated too.

Let this be a good, happy beginning for my career and life. No more shitty, crappy stuff.

The interview made me realize what i hate and what i really want in my life.

Hence, rejecting the Rm3300 job?

It was so, so, so worth it.

heck, it was priceless. :D

How i've hoped...

"I didn't realize how much i've missed her smile, her laughter, how she walks, how she gave me the weird look on her face when she thinks i'm being a complete weirdo, how she keep fixing her scarf every 5 minutes...

I didn't realize how much i terribly missed her, and how much i've been longing for that the moments when we were still together back then...

I didn't have doubt before regarding my decision on loving another girl and broke her heart in the first place..

Until i met her again and went out together as good friends on the 11th July 2011.

And witness all those things i once had in my arms but lost.

How i wish god allow a 48-hour day just for today, so that i could watch the silly laughter and sweet smile from her again,

And just for one more time, feeling like we were never apart... Feeling like we were those crazy couples who just fell in love with each other we once did in the past.

How i wish i never broke her heart.

How i wish i'd never fell in love with another girl.

How i wish she would hold my hand tightly within hers and called me baby.

How i wish she would forgive me, and love me again despite my past mistakes.

I didn't realize how i've missed her and longed the moments i had with her just now to be eternal & certain.

How i've missed her so, so, so much."

How sweet will it be if he actually said these words to me or confessing the truth on how he felt about me when we met after a long time, than that sentence on his fb status (i refuse to do anything about it cuz i dont wanna jinx the feeling).

But it's still actually pretty sweet indeed.

i was kinda hoping and waiting for him to actually said something about us when we sat in front of my dad's fish pond. I was hoping and waiting for him to say something about still missing us and how i still matter to him despite him breaking my heart.

But no, he chose to stay silent and asked "when can i go home now?" instead.

It was called 'hope' anyway. It never meant things to actually come true.

And there he drove by, leaving my house area, not knowing how i actually felt about him and us when we were dating earlier, ever. (despite of being harassed by his current girlfriend)

But one thing is truly certain.

I missed his voice on the phone and wanting to hear that voice again.

Especially the times when i cry. <:)

The question for today is: WHEN?

There are a few questions i would want to mention in this current entry.

1) When the hell will i get a job?! i can't wait to get my first paycheck!

2) When the hell am i going to start finishing the Darkness novel despite my sister's assistance in completing the plot from conflict, climax to resolution?

3) When the hell am i going to get a decent boyfriend this time that will truly love me, be faithful and loyal to me and marry me?

4) When the hell will the term paper result come out so that i can go to UNIHELL to take the result paper??

5) When the hell will i graduate and finally receive my OFFICIAL TESL DEGREE?

6) When the hell will i ever meet my TESL friends again? <:'(

7) When the hell am i going to restart the disturbed diet plan of mine??

8) When the hell am i going to take my laptop & hardisk to be fixed??

9) When the hell am i going to restart the piano lesson again?

WHENWHENWHENWHENWHENWHEN???

Being evil without realizing

i keep butting in people's problems and sub-consciously mind-twisted them into my own desired endings.

I'm evil in a twisted way that i did not realize it myself. Evil for planting my desired decisions in the victims' minds for the problems they entrusted me to keep.

I just couldn't get myself to be a bystander and watching then ruining their life by not creating the correct solution. I couldn't stand it to listen and be helpless about it.

All i want is to help the person to overcome his/her problems and finally have them being able to feel better about his/her life. But i didn't know that the consequences of my actions might worsen the problem.

So far i think i've ruined two people's lives. Unintentionally.

Now i've learned my lesson. Listen only. Don't meddle. Let the people be in charge of their own lives and problems, and learned from the mistakes they made from their own decision. That way, you won't need to take the blame and feel guilty instead.

You should only convince the person to choose what he think is better, and question on their decision in order to make them feel confident regarding it.

So... I'm really sorry for being such a jerk. huhu~ <:'( I just wanted to help...

I'm so evil, i'm so sorry... (T_T)

Sucky feeling.

Inilah susahnya bila berkenalan dengan orang yang dah ada pasangan.

He'll talk about how bad his relationship is with his current girlfriend, making you feel like you are better than her, making you feel good about yourself and good enough of a person to listen to his problems and all.

And after that, he leaves you with questions inside your head.

Questions regarding whether or not you are better than her.

Whether or not you are actually good enough for him.

Because after telling you his problems, he leaves you like you and him had no sort of relationship in any kind. At all.

Like you're nothing to him.

Thats why i don't like people with girlfriends or wives.

Cuz it'll make me feel all sucky when i made that person feels better about himself and yet gain nothing from him in return.

Except for the feeling that you are a nobody to him after you made him feel better.

It sucks a LOT.

a break up.... again.

I've confronted him. Asked him.

He finally spitted out the truth.

"Kita kawan je dulu."

And yes those words are concrete proof of what he really meant.

It sickens me the first few minutes tho.

But after a while, i felt as if a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders, leaving a very light sensation.

I am no more in doubt. No more in the dark. No more questions. Everything is all crystal clear now that i can finally sigh with relief.

Its like finally being able to snap the rope that had been tied to me all these while.

He brought nothing but bad. He cared nothing but to take advantage of me. He used me in so many ways.

He never loved me at all in the first place. I dig the words out of him, asking of his choice and see if he would defend our relationship, defending us. But no, he chose to back off.

Hmmph.

Good riddance.

Farewell.

From now on ima stop texting you.

Ima stop asking how you are doing, ima stop calling you, ima stop contacting you.

Ima stop asking you out.

Ima stop caring about every single bit of you.

Ima disappear from your life. You will never hear from me again.

Ima start a new life without you.

Ima start meeting new people and forget everything about you.

And soon you will be just another piece of an old chapter in my life. A piece of memory that had once pass by and lit my day.

Just like many of those people in my life before you, in the previous chapters of my book.

You are nothing. You have nothing that i can hold on to dearly.

You have no values that benefits me even in the slightest way.

You only bring bad. Bad. Bad.

You only bring bad.

Ima discard the both of you from my data, and permanently delete you from my recycle bin. I'm never gonna keep anything about you. Your text messages will be deleted, everything that reminds me of you will be permanently destroyed.

I will pray to Him to never let us meet again.

EVER.

So goodbye.

FOREVER.