Clearer

a day i thought will be happy

Turns out to be a day of disaster.

which makes me realize so much things, the hidden meaning between the line.

Which also almost killed me as its cost.

This is where i draw the FFFF line!

I'm not gonna let anyone or anything ruin my FFFF weekend anymore.

Be it, not even the FFFFF lecturer.

I'll skip class of i must.

My own happiness and satisfaction is my own. Not gonna trade it for any FFFFF responsibilities.

My own weekend and planning is my own!

And this time no one is going to ruin it!

I MEAN IT!

p/s: i just cant stand it when my weekend plannings are burnt just like that due to unexpected occurances. Urgh! FFFF annoying!

I don't wanna go home.

I don't wanna go home.

But I miss 'em.

But I don't wanna go home. I don't like the place.

Cuz its so far away. So far away with everything.

With my friends. With the city. With everything.

Feels like i'm being cut out of social life when i stayed there.

I don't wanna go home. :(

p/s: i rather stay in UNI-HELL than going back there. no more motivation to go home. No more feeling excited of going home. Just plain empty.

Depression is freakin' hard to do.

Will depression give me the 'lack-of-appetite' mood?

Why is it so hard for me to become depressed? (T_T)

Why do i always tend to be ignorant to problems?

Why is it so easy for me to become happy?

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

Disturb me on weekends and you'll die.

I want my weekend off!

I want my FFFFF weekend off!

I wanna lie down on the bed and sleep and wake up whenever hell i want!

I wanna write the novel that i have been procrastinating to finish!

I wanna read the novels i just bought which i have never even read a single word yet!

I wanna watch the movies stacking on my shelf!

I wanna organize everything of which i never have the time to do!

I WANT MY FFFFF WEEKEND OFF!!!

My first overnight :P

OMG.

First time in my life to do these kinda things:

1) overnight with two guys and a gal

2) riding bike long-distance with a guy

3) driving a motorcycle for a few kilometres on a highway

4) slept at R&R stop till next morning

5) enter the times square theme park

6) double date

Had the greatest experience i cherish in my life! XD

I'm loving it!

This semester is UNBELIEVABLE.

I don't know how to label it... Either it's positive or negative.

Honestly the whole drama thing is pointing towards negativity.

But that's what makes it all interesting, hence setting my opinion to this semester as a positive! (^.^)

I love these kinds of complications going on~ *snickers*

Because these are the things that makes life far from dullness. :P

New place sucks (T_T)

Since i moved to this new place, i thought things will go better for me there.

But turns out its hard to adapt to a new environment.

I still feel like an alien visiting those nearby towns. I felt like i'm only just visiting this place. I refuse to admit that this will be my home and the place where i will hang out often starting from now.

Yeah i'm in total denial.

I don't feel like home in my new place. And since going back home now is such a FFFFF troublesome to me, i can't return home as often as i used to do. (T_T)

Before this, my motivation that keeps me 'alive' in UNIHELL is the 'looking forward to go home every weekend' day.

Since i moved to a new place which doesn't feels home, i think i would rather stay in UNIHELL rather than going back to that place. The problem isn't the place or going there. The problem is to get back to UNIHELL from there.

No more motivation for me to keep pacing forward in UNIHELL. I feel like i wanna give up everything. (T.T)

a 25 year old man behaving like a child?

One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train. Train is about to leave the station. All the passengers are settling down into their seats

As the train started the young man was filled with alot of joy and curiosity. He was sitting on the window side. He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He shouted, "Papa see all the trees are going behind".

Old man smile and admired his son's feelings.

Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listening all the conversation between father and son. They were little awkward with the attitude of the 25 years old man behaving like a small child.

Suddenly the young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with the train".

Couple was watching the young man embarrassingly.

Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the young man's hand. He is filled with joy and he closed his eyes. He shouted again," Papa it's raining, water is touching me, see papa".

Couple couldn't help themselves and ask the old man. "Why don't you visit the Doctor and get your son treated?"

Old man said, "Yes, We were from the hospital. Today my son got his eyes for the first time in his life".

Moral of the story is;

We must not come to any conclusion until we know all the facts

p/s: love this story. its really touching.

New home~!

From now on i am from negeri sembilan.

No more selangor. (T.T)

But i'm glad i have my own room finally.

And i love the new place. (^^)

p/s: oghang nogoghie pun oghang nogoghie ler~

Babling~

ideas. inspiration. its all there. i just need to write them down.

But where the bloody hell is EFFORT and PERSEVERANCE???

I need constant motivation. (T.T)

God works mysteriously.

okay this is a miracle.

Or rather what malay people call jodoh.

I'm going to move to seremban this week.

So i told this chat friend of mine about it because he also lives in seremban.

And suprisingly he knows my house, even the specific NUMBER of my new house without me telling him the details.

How does he knows?

Because apparently he lives right next door. XD

And the cool part is that we have never met our entire life. only contact through phones.

And all in a sudden we are going to be closest neighbours yet. lol.

God work in mysterious ways.

Life is always full of surprises. :)

p/s: is he the one for me?? (O.o)

new everything -.-

New home.

New life.

New beginning.

Old spirit -.-

From now on i have to go ulang-alik from seremban to uni-hell.

Damn3.

Me happeh!

Had a great time today.

It was different. Out of routine. I don't regret of going out today though i was this close to not being able to return to UNISEL and attend tomorrow's class.

Wish i had an overnight.

That would have been sooooo cool!

Work, work, work! holidays also must work!

Theater props.

Tests.

Assignments.

License.

The process of moving to a new home.

*sigh*! so many things to do during sem break!

Baik tak payah cuti macam ni! FFFFF!!!!

An empty jar of?

Have you ever went through a time when you feel so empty inside?

Empty as in a full jar of candy which was SUPPOSE to be filled candies, or used to be filled with candies. Lots and lots of different sweets and candies and chocolates.

But its empty. Somehow the jar no more than only air inside.

And when you see the jar is empty, have you ever thought of changing what used to be inside it with something else?

Replacing candies with marbles for example. Lots of marbles. Fill it with marbles.

Or collection of paper stars.

Or maybe you would prefer to stick with sweets and candies?

Or maybe..... You'll just leave it empty?

I can't see my future somehow. My long-term goal. I can't see what i'll become. Everything's just so cloudy right now.

What only matters for me currently is to finish this damn degree thing asap.

After that what will become of me? i don't know.

I hate being educators. i can't realize my dreams to be a script writer because i don't have a degree in that particular field. I don't know if i can ever be a novelist since i lose confidence in my own work these days. everything's just so de-motivating right now.

And so far i fail to find a particular kind of job that could use TESL degree student other than education-related. FFFFFF~

Couldn't even focus in class recently. All i could ever think of everytime i attend classes is the moment those lecturers will allow us for break or when will they be ending classes.

Cant focus in class at all! keep on forgetting to do homeworks, forgetting to study, forgetting tp revise and delaying assignments~!

And right now my jar of candies is empty. And i don't know what should i fill it in with next.

should i fill the jar with my dreams to write? or filling it with bitter spirit to train myself to become an educator of which i truly hate the most?

Or should i just leave it empty? and being de-motivated?

Damn i need to fix myself~

Maybe i'm just feeling empty right now due to mid-sem break mood. huhu~

I HATE being forgetful~

owh SHIT~!

One 'tragedy' after another!

was locked inside a toilet in UNI-HELL

Forgot to bring my matrix card halfway to UNI-HELL from home (During FFFF registration for crying out loud!)

now, the MOST recent tragedy~

Forgot to bring my hostel keys when i already REACHED UNI-HELL all the way from home!!

Argh!! me and my stupid forgetfulness!

Where's my spirit?

Dont know what to think~

the inspiration is there.

but there is absence in term of spirit.

(T_T) i need the spirit to write!

Frustrated of the same old matter~

Here, there, here, there.

Pointing here, pointing there.

Yes, this is it. CONFIRMED.

Nod, look at one another, exchange expressions and shooking heads.

Negative results.

Travel again, travel far, far away AGAIN.

FFFFFF frustrated.

WTH. Back to square one.

Why should i givadamn? As long as i have my own room, my own space, my own bubble call privacy.

I'm just FFFFF tired of these two heads who cant work together, who cant understand with each other's reason, who cant tolerate with each other's decision and who cant understand that both are actually working for the same bloody thing.

I'm sorry to say that both are BLIND that both are actually working for each other's happiness and own good. U both need to learn that both of u are actually wrong in some way, and that BOTH of you need to learn from one another to correct those mistakes.

NONE of you are right. Heck, NONE of anyone on earth is right. We are prone to mistakes. Never think your idea or standing is better or correct. Different opinions produce different results.

But it just wont happen. Just wont happen.

We just won't learn.

That is ego you're talking about.

Pain! Pain!

Argh~~!

This fffffff headache!

This ffffffff cold and flu!

This ffffffff hunger!

I've swallowed a panadol BEFORE it happen to AVOID it from happening when the signs came.

But its still happening.

ARGH!!!!!

Meticulous!

Starting from now on i have to be EXTRA careful with my words on facebook.

The 'sensitive' relations and relatives have just been added into the collection known-friends in my facebook friends list.

These people..... They 'talk'..... and they 'talk-them-out-loud'.

One wrong word...... And say goodbye to Duit Raya and Hari Raya.

p/s: i thought i can be the real me in internets huhu. seems like hypocrisy will still go on even in virtual reality (T_T)

Lecture? I only heard blah blah top-down/bottom-up/listening and more blah blah blah

Ideas pouring like a rainfall.

The blurry visions and broken images have starting to look clearer.

The pieces of puzzles are starting to settle in and reveal it's hidden secret.

OMG, i love these senses of everything-has-began-to-fall-into-place.

I love the intoxicated feelings of ecstasy when i write and write and write (by hand) non-stop because i know what will come next within the plot of a story.

I didn't hear what the lecturer was saying at all. I was too busy jotting down the ideas and doing other things than listening to him. (=.=)

The 'plot-arranging-session' is too tempting. The characters of my story were literally SHOUTING at me in my head to write down what will happen to their future.

And i love planning and writing every single bit of it.

p/s: yesss, yesss, YESSSS! It's ALIVEEEEE!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!

FFFFFFFFF!!!!!!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF some more.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sick, sick, sick!!!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF sick!!!!!! SICKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p/s: don't ask me what i'm FFFFFFFFFFFF-ing about.

What is so GREAT about being a teacher???

Being a teacher? what is so great about being a teacher?

Great that i'm able to be so-called creative to do freaking lesson plans every day?

Great that i'm able to stand in front of a bunch of students who may or may not listen to me?

Great that i could educate them when they can just go and learn from tuition centres or learn on their own?

Great that i might be a laughing stock for students who underestimate my capability of teaching?

Great for the sake of the bloody 'FFFF' teaching itself?!

I am NOT a FFFF teacher, and HOPEFULLY WILL NEVER BE ASIDE FROM PRACTICALS.

I am not born to be a teacher. NO.

I want to live and die by doing the things i love. Or at least by doing things i enjoy doing, such as helping to console, consult and listen to people's problems and foremost; writing for entertainment; novels or scripts.

Teaching is definitely NOT one of them. In fact I have even somewhat sworn to myself during school years that i will never be a teacher.

I SUCK at communicating and socializing with people. having to stand in front of about 50 students and educate them is not what i am capable to do. i'm always a passive person. A quiet person. i am not outspoken with my words and opinions, and it is very hard for me to even engage in a bloody conversation with people i am close with.

LET ALONE HAVING TO COMMUNICATE WITH 50 OR MORE STUDENTS/STRANGERS.

I feel very uncomfortable. VERY, VERY uncomfortable. in fact, i feel so uncomfortable to the point where i can LITERALLY peed myself there. Perhaps i would just stand there and do nothing cuz i'm too scared to even talk to the students.

God, how can i NOT KNOW that TESL is about TEACHING? if i knew TESL was actually all about BLOODY TEACHING, i would have chosen mass com instead! Why was i so blind?!

p/s: i need help, ASAP.

a strange dream.

Last night, i had this really weird dream.

Weird and mysterious and somewhat clear.

Usually its very hard for me to remember a dream after i woke up. But in this case, i remembered every single detail there was in the mysterious dream of mine.

Its a dream about a mysterious house, abandoned by the owner without anyone knowing the reason why. He left the house as if he was in a rush and wants to get out asap, that he didn't even bothered to get the house clean before he left, even left the laundries undone and leaving toys around and the dishes undone since may 2009. he never even bothered to come back to clean up the house after so long.

Or so i've heard.

It was a true story actually, about this abandoned house. The strange thing was that i dreamt what was inside the house and i got an unclear picture of what actually happened to the house and previous owner.

But even after i dreamed those, the question still remains unanswered.

Writer's block?

Finally, i've finished with my end-of-chapter's plot. The pictures are loud and clear in my head now. The blood, the agony, the scream, metal clashings and gigantic aura of power colliding.

Oh yes there will be deaths, there will be sacrifice.

I'm pretty satisfied.

But first, must finish outlining the middle plots and solving these conflicts.

And that is when the freaking writer's block came to me. BAD TIMING!

p/s: creating conflicts are easy. solving them is the hardest part of writing.

Old Syndrome: internet

The old syndrome has come to me again.

I don't understand why.

Each time i return to this bloody hell, i will stuck on the internet all day long thus leaving a much more important work behind me.

I need to do something about this, FAST.

p/s: oh, wth! just cut off the damn internet, hell!

Hell feels comfy :P

Back to hell, with lots of stuff.

Surprisingly hell's bedroom turns out to be very comfortable.

Even more comfy than last semester. :P

Feels like home.

Don't register to UNISEL!

Tomorrow, registration to hell will finally start.

Suprisingly many people will be willingly lining up to enroll.

I suggest you freshies-after-SPM people NOT to go enroll in UNISEL.

UNISEL SUCKS. Straight from the horrible management, the fees and the terrible studies.

Don't forget Mr Jananiaga too. 'He' is a cruel person.

Register to some other universities. You don't wanna be part of uniHELL.

If u did, you're asking for trouble.

MUET Result

Finally!

i dont know how i did it but i finally did it!

i seriously thought i was screwed.

i got band 4 for my muet result!

YAHOO!!!!

Frustrated!

When somebody ask you a question, should you answer?

Or should you just shut the fuck up to avoid saying things that might make things worse than it already seems?

When somebody made a mistake, should he apologize, admit his mistakes, and promise he won't (hopefully) repeat it again?

or should he (again) just shut the fuck up to listen to the other person frustratingly scolding him regarding the mistakes he made to avoid the other person to use what he replied against him?

This is fuckingly frustrating. People made mistakes. i know i did mistakes. heck, who doesn't when it was one's first time doing something? i need more practise, i know.

But do you HAVE to repeat those mistakes and scold me about the mistakes i ALREADY KNOW along the way?? I'm SORRY i did it. But when you babble the mistakes i made along the way when i'm driving, it distracts me and i panicked because i was worried that mistake will happen again. Your orders and babbling drive me nuts!

If thousands of other people out there can bloody drive a car, why can't i? give me a chance for heaven's sake! it was only that ONE MISTAKE!

My own room!!!

so cool!

i finally like--- got my own bedroom!

thanks to my mom! (^^) wuvv u shooo much!!

finally a private space of my own!!! I finally got it!!

Because all my life, i never get to have my own room. I had to share with my sisters. It's not that i don't like to share with them or i don't like them.

I'm just a private person who likes to be all by myself, and i don't mind being alone in a place that much actually. i don't even have much friends because i am not good at socializing.

Even when i'm in a university, i have to share my room with someone.

I would really love to have my own room. and yesterday i suggest it to my mom to turn the store back room to become my room if we wont be moving out until this mid year.

The next day she really did it for me.

Thanks so much. i really appreciate it!

YEAAAAY!!!!

Drivibg frustration

It's hard to keep yourself in a motivated mood and thoughts when this driving teacher kept on observing and pointing at your mistakes.

And it's even more frustrating when you are not given the chance to correct the mistakes you made, and wasting your precious and limited 8 hours driving lessons time by punishing you to do the boring and same thing thing that you already know.

I don't think 8 hours are enough for driving lessons.

But i'm desperately trying to motivate myself that i CAN drive. (T.T)

YES I CAN!!!

p/s: my legs hurt due to driving huhu

a strange sound?

Ok, i'm up at 5 something in the morning right now.

That is NOT my usual time regarding waking up in the morning. I was up because i gotta pee. After that i couldn't go back to sleep so i decided to just stay up.

I went down to surf the internet instead.

And something weird happened.

Suddenly, i heard this unusual sounds of a bird imitation from some kind of a machine, only faster in speed and definitely louder coming from outside. You can tell it was NOT a sound of a bird, and it was more towards a sound of a machine or a bird machine instead. It was a strange sound.

I bend over to the window and when i'd moved the curtains to see where the sound come from, the sound abruptly stops.

ABRUPTLY. a real bird doesn't stop singing that way. a machine does, when it was suddenly turned off.

Ok, then i continued surfing the net. a few minutes later i heard the same sound again. this time i manage to look out through the window but i couldn't find anything that could relate to the sound in logical sense.

Ans again, the sound would suddenly stopped abruptly.

This continued for about an hour.

And in my mind, my first impression towards the strange sound was "aliens."

p/s: i watched & read too many sci-fi stuff. but i didnt lie about the strange sound.

Thankful

2 Last sem's result: around 3 pointer. (atas pagar)

Latest last sem's result: still around 3 pointer, still (atas pagar)

The result had not improved neither decreased (is that correct?) for the past few semesters.

Maintained under 3.10 and above 3.00 despite the awful stress.

grateful...

The craziness came to me again (^^)

My boyfriends, and will always be my beloved boyfriends are;

Zack Fair & Cloud Strife.

I love both of you guys forever & ever!

Torture to 'death'

I can't stop whining about a lot of problems.

Its just me. my habit. thats just what i usually do to let out the stress.

But this time, my inner voice kept on screaming at my ears.

"Go fucking do something to change your life. You gotta start from somewhere somehow. Small steps are fine. The least you should do is to start moving your ass to work that out from somewhere."

And this time i wanna do it right.

Crying, tears, cursing, whining, that is all part of the change.

This year i will make sure i TORTURE myself to the limit that i myself cannot stand it. I will torture myself to the limit where i would fucking hate myself for doing it.

THE ultimate limit.

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!

2010: a year of change

Positive mindset. 2010 is a year of change

a year where i am officially an adult.

my favourite age. my favourite year.

And i'll make sure i'll leave eternal footprints of positive memoir within the year.

Here's the list.

1) Be a hardworking student and score at least 3.5

2) Be a better slave to Allah

3) Exercise every evening as a routine; (must reach 55kg by my next birthday)

4) Finish my novels and send them to be published

5) Get driving license and get used to drive cars

Okay ladies and gentlemen. 5 big goals to achieve within the year. deadline will be my birthday. my next 21st birthday that is. And when the time comes, we'll see the result. (^,^)

p/s: please let me be able to continuously motivate myself! there's only 5 goals to achieve within 365 days!

I suck.

I'm terrible. I suck. I really suck.

And i doubt on making changes this coming 2010.

Suck at becoming a helpful person.

Suck at studying.

Suck at love.

Suck at being grateful.

Suck at controlling my appetite.

Suck at making friends.

Suck at comforting friends.

Suck at trusting the right people.

Suck at being a good slave to god.

Suck at everything, i guess.

The only thing i think i'm good at is... Well... Lying. Pretending. Hurting people. Cursing. Playing the guitar. Writing novels. Hmm, what else?

Nah, i'm pretty much of a loser actually.

It's time to make some changes. Stop being sorry for myself. DO SOMETHING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

It's time to make a fucking I-Must-Do-These-Things-By-End-Of-2010 checklist.

A year that i have been waitting for.

Okay... this sucks. This really sucks.

I have no access to my favourite internet connection at home.

Although i'm currently struggling to take my license, that strange feelings of excitement that should accompany me had long fled my heart and soul.

Pendek cerita, sudah tawar hati.

I'm rushing to take my license under the name of responsibility and not just for fun anymore.

And next year, i'm going to step into adulthood. Which is pretty cool actually.

But the problem is that...

The package comes with a set of heavy responsibilities and heavier loads of ASSIGNMENTS.

Shit. No fun anymore.

Red Handed.

He's really a true writer.

A writer can always make up stories anytime, anywhere.

or in other words, bluffing.

He's a true writer alright. That's the positive way to look at this particular matter.

Because the negative way to look at it was;

He was caught lying.

RED HANDED. BY ME.

p/s: how darn pathetic and desperate can you be?

Welcome to Adulthood~

2010. I'm hoping to make changes within that year. Striving towards excellence.

Because it's the very year that i turn 21.

A number that qualifies you officially into adulthood.

And for that, i have to be more responsible not just to myself but also others. I'm not a kid anymore therefore i have to make sure i can do things without relying on people anymore, especially my parents.

and hopefully i'll manage to graduate, get a job, buy my own house, car, furnitures, stuffs, and get married as soon as possible.

God, i just can't wait to grow up fast!

p/s: i hate teenagehood. adulthood here i come~!

Death of an unknown neighbour.

There was a disturbing and shocking news today.

My..Erm... snobbish neighbour was found dead in his home today, about 2am by his wife.

How did i know? Because my mom heard the wife cried out and scream out loud when she found her husband was lying dead on the bed, in their master bedroom.

We have always called him 'Cicak Kubing' as he was really, really thin. Like skeleton thin.

We were told that that neighbour of ours had been really sick for a week. And today he died in his sleep.

I don't know what to say. Of course it was a bit shocking. but just a bit. Although we have been neighbors (as in LITERALLY next door neigbors) for 8 years, we hadn't actually gotten to know each other. Despite of my mom being really kind and helpful to comfort the wife and was first there when the discovery of his death happened, the wife didn't even remember my mom's name. But my mom remember hers.

That's one of the example of how snobbish and how 'unclose' we were with each other. They weren't friendly people. In fact they despise us, especially the dead husband. he thought it was like a bad luck to have malay neighbors next to them. And ironically the malay neighbor was the one that was there to help them when they were in trouble.

I don't feel any grief at all. In fact i think it's really interesting to be witnessing a real Chinese funeral happening right next to your home. And it's really interesting to know and witness someone you know died, and he lived right next door. I've never experience much deaths of people, especially of the ones i know.

But it's kinda shocking you know. You'll never know when your turn will be.

p/s: awwh! they put on curtains to block others from viewing the funeral! damn!

Deep hatred to a particular human.

I feel like i wanted to cry but there's no more tears left in me.

Or that i refused to let the tears fall down for an unworthy human.

I don't give a shit about a guy who doesn't love and care about me.

And i don't give a damn about people who just never bothered to care.

I have enough of getting hurt.

I hate you so much, you fucking asshole. I hope you'll die soon. I WISH for your death to come soon!

Die and rot in hell!!!

Fuck guys who think they're just too good for any women.

FUCK!

God, i just can't stand this fucking fury. It's burning!

I HATE HIM!!!! I HATE HIM LIKE SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!

FUCK HIM!

p/s: reader's discretion is advised.

checklist.

I love exploring new places.

I mean new cities.

Many things happened and i don't know where to start.

First, exam.

Second, i can't wait to get my license done.

Third, i LOVE walking while exploring new cities and shopping complexes even though my legs felt like it would come off my bones. It felt like exercising.

Fourth, I need to stay putting and loving myself more than other people; of which i mean by men.

Fifth, this FUCKING WEIGHT MUST BE REDUCED TO AT LEAST 20KG!

I'm really desperate. Like desperado desperate. I need to lose my fucking weight. I need to go thin. I can't stand it being fat like this.

Oh and another thing. i need to do something regarding my skin. it frequently grew ZITS all over em and it wont go away even though after i've tried MANY different types of face cleanser.

The final matter. Change my perspective, my view to more positive thinking and actually doing something good instead of complainning.

oh yeah. I need to shut my mouth more frequently. I just talked too much. Okay, i complained too much. I just hate my boring and pathetic life. oops, there i go again.

But its the fucking truth!

this will all be done. I'm sure of it! and it starts TODAY!!!

a secret you need to know about us writers.

Should i trust him? Should i? After all those fishy lies i smell from him?

Or was it really a lie after all? am i only being paranoid?

I know it's a lie. I know it. He's a writer, just like me. I know how a writer thinks. Writer create stories by making up lies. First of all it would be imaginary. Soon it grew into a real lie as write always feel desperate for people to really believe in order to give their all in understanding the writer's stories.

Writers, usually are a loner and do not have much friends and do not often socialize with people. That is why they love to write and prefer writing. For writers like us, writing is a tool to express ourselves, our emotions and our desire. Writing is a way we socialize.

The truth was that we are a bunch or lonely and pathetic group of people.

But sometimes... No, ALL the time. Most of the time, writers tend to take things overboard by creating stories not only by writing but by saying it out and convince it to people around them.

Professional writer@liar (*coughcough* eg: me!) will make sure their lies are good enough and the flaws were all invisible to others. but there are a lot of amateur writer-turn-to-liars that fails to cover the flaws. If you fail to cover them then people will know its a lie. When people find out the truth, things will get ugly. no one likes to be cheated. not even liars.

So this guy, he's a writer like me and we have involved each other deeply. I can't say we have known each other for ages because we just...well, kinda just met. but i've known a lot about him already. And we have this 'supposely' deep feelings towards each other of which i am desperately trying to avoid so i don't get hurt again.

And this damn writer guy.... I can sense and pick up on his lies. I am a professional. i know, and i think even anyone would notice his flaws in his story he told me. Not i'm starting to feel really suspicious over this dude. I'm not saying he's a liar, yet. But i'll be careful. I'll watch my back and make sure he i am prepared. I will notice his trap before he presented it to me. I'll make sure of that.

I just hope you're not actually lying, writer dude. Because i really don't want to hate you.

My kind of drugs.

i'd forgotten how good it feels like to write the old-school way.

The traditional way, you know?

The paper and pen way.

God, if i write on a piece of paper, i find it hard to stop. Its a feeling of ecstasy, a sense of satisfaction when you look at your own beautiful handwriting, and when you look at the empty paper that will finally be filled with your own writings.

Instead of when writing on multimedia paper (Microsoft word, duh~), i notice that the 'blockage of words and ideas' doesn't happen often when i write them on paper. And because of the addiction of writing on paper, i manage to wrote a whole over 60 books of scripts! Yeah, trust me, i did them. It all started when i was young. 11 years old, i think. And stopped at 17, due to SPM.

I manage to write the scripts continuously because of the passion and addiction when writing on paper. Seriously, i get addicted when writing stuff on paper.

But the problem now is that i need to write them back on the freakin' multimedia paper, and that work is TIRING and BORING. So i thought its better to just write them straight to the multimedia paper instead of on paper.

And soon the addiction was gone. Until i tried writing them back on paper today.

God, the addiction came rushing through my veins as if an ex-junkie took drugs again after stopping for dozens of years. God, it feels so good!

I love writing, and one of the reasons is PAPER and PEN.

I'll never be able to live without them.

Adults only. (reader's discretion is advised)

I hate threats.

Especially fucking ridiculous threats.

Threats such as "take good care of me okay? or else you'll lose me; a handsome guy that everyone is dying to have. it will be a pity and such a waste if you didn't manage to care for my feelings as i'm such a good looking guy. If you fail to care for my heart, perhaps one day i'll run away and find other girls to be with."

Handsome your ass.

You think you're the only guy i can tackle? Your statement made me nauseous! Urgh! You have NO idea how many guys that's dying to have ME!

Yeah, fuck you bastard. I have enough of your stupidity and i can't tolerate them anymore.

Go and find some bitches to be with, asshole. I don't give a damn. GOODBYE!

p/s: macam kau handsome sangat! nak muntah aku!

Glad's it's finally OVER!

Ok, honestly said.

I'm so pissed and unsatisfied with the marks given by the lecturer regarding my debate presentation. I mean, urgh! 71/100?! I can do way better than that!

Damn.

But it's just useless to regret. At least now i know how debate is being carried out. Remember, more statistics, evidence and examples idiot.

At least i'm finally done with the stupid assignments. Going to be done with the stupid exams next. After that i'm gonna do my license!

Not to mention writing down what the voices wanted me to do. I'm just glad that this sickening semester is finally over.

Remember! Next semester no more stupid mistakes like this!

p/s: License~~~~~~ (O,O)

These voices in my head, they're speaking to me.

I'm hearing voices in my head again.

And i'm loving every minute of it. Listening to 'them' talking is like being intoxicated of ecstasy. It calms me down, and it drives me to the very edge of satisfaction. It kept me sane, motivated, and looking forward in life.

Those voices, it drives depression away from me, or drives me away from depression. Any way can do.

I want to keep the voices whispering as long as i can, and lure the voices to get other voices to speak to me as well. The more voices i hear and the more longer it stays, the more sane i feel, for longer period of time.

It is an indescribable sense of pure honey of satisfaction. The sweet taste. I can barely taste them on my tongue. As if feeling a warm and tight bear hug from a huge person.

I'm loving every second.

I need to write their dialogues so i don't forget.

**** responsibilities. This is my life i'm talking about. The only thing that mattered is the thing that kept you going, something that you enjoy doing in life. You live only once. Sometimes irritating chores such as responsibility should be put aside to make way for your passion in life.

p/s: because in the end, only your happiness that truly mattered.

These visions are 'haunting' me

A pair of glowing eyes.

Tears running on his cheeks.

A grin of a creature with wings, hiding beneath the shadows.

A sword on the back of a loyal warrior, swears to protect to his last drop of blood.

Blades clashing.

Tears of a woman and a boy.

Man and Woman holding hands, locking their pair of eyes.

Another pair glanced at them with a frown and walk away from the scene.

Forbidden love.

Hypocrisy and conspiracy of the trustworthy.

A man standing with his back facing his master, with a sword in his grip, ready to assault the enemies that charge towards them.

A guy carrying his friend towards the battle field and attacks anyone or anything that tries to stop him from going further.

A scream of spirit, courage, and sacrifice.

A heavy rain, a pool of blood, and motionless body.

Endless tears.

p/s: Lol these are actually the ideas that had been hanging in my mind. I thought of writing them here so i dont forget.

Be a professional liar at least will you?!

I hate it when somebody lied to me.

It's OK to lie, as long as i DON'T KNOW the truth.

So please, if you want to lie to me about anything, it's not that i forbid you. You can. But please, i'm begging you pleaaaaasssssseeee don't ever let me find out or know the truth in any way!

A lie will not be a lie when the truth is hidden. AND STAYS HIDDEN.

I desperately want to believe in you. I seriously do. But you're not good at lying. Please, don't hurt me like this. If you never like me in the first place, you don't have to pretend you do. Spit it out, i really appreciate honesty.

But if you're going to lie, make sure the truth STAYS HIDDEN FROM ME.

Because i can't tolerate anymore foolishness of male species towards female kinds.

Just don't make me hate you, dear because things will get ugly when i do.

p/s: I'm serious. Don't ever mess with me.

Am i suffering from some disease??

Let me be honest with you.

There's something wrong with me. No. There's DEFINITELY something wrong with me.

I noticed that recently i fail to speak fluently, even in malay.

I often fail to find words and slow at arranging them into a clear and understandable sentence in order to get a particular messaged conveyed.

Recently I also stuttered a lot when speaking. Be it, malay or english.

My mind is getting slower at picking up everything. From understanding a simple speech or text, to generating vocabularies.

The worst part of them all was of course, the speaking part. Everytime i tried to explain something to someone, or even simply chatting, i always had to pause for a few times to think, rearrange and generate proper sentence and way to say them before i speak them out.

Because everytime i tried blurting them out fluently, it always end up a freakin' stutter and 'rojak, terabur, bersepah-sepah' kind of sentences. Which made me looking like a total idiot.

I don't know why. My brains just.... Starting to degrade i think. It's starting to work much slower, comprehend matters much slower, and slower and slower and slower. Everything seems to be working out slower than before.

My mind's not that 'rusty' kind of slow, but slow as if the gears in my brain was all covered with a very thick liquid that made them turning slower than before. All sticky as if a box of glue had drop on them.

What is wrong with me?!

me, a freak observer

Yesterday I was travelling home in the infamous KTM.

It was filled with people, as usual. Very, very crowded. Luckily i get to sit down or else i would be cursing all the way *(insert laughter here)*

On my right seat was this elderly woman, i think around her 50's. On my left seat was an elderly woman of the same age as well.

And during those packed and silent moment, i thought about these two women.

The one on my left, she wore literally a spaghetti! (the singlet-thingy) and she's around her 50's for heaven's sake. Her make up was terrible. Her cheeks looked bright puffed reddish as if it were smacked and bruised, not matching with her badly tanned skin. not to mentioned it looked like a bulldog's cheek. Her hair was undone, straight, jet black, and longer than mine. It goes to the level of her breast (which obviously shows with that type of clothing she wore, only that it lacks of 'elasticity'). I still remember saying to myself that she has a nice, body. Any men will fall for her if they looked at her from the back. However, from the front~ (insert bad-looking image here) you get the picture.

an immediate thought reached my mind; doesn't she ever feel embarrassed wearing that kind of clothing, at that kind of age?? with that make up??

On my right side, this woman wore a bit decent clothes than the one on my left. common t-shirt and knee-level shorts. But i cant help noticing her staring at her digital camera, browsing and looking at pictures of her going on a holiday with her family (i think). She made me question a lot to myself when she kept zooming each picture of her to see her face close-up. She also had A LOT of her picture taken although she looked old and.... Well.... Not that pretty. Old.

It made me wonder why. Doesn't she feel embarrassed of taking pictures with that old and not-so-beautiful look? and why did she kept zooming the picture to see her face close up? Did she actually felt proud of her own looks even though she looked old and not-so-pretty? or did she actually felt insecure of her own looks and was worried, was in search of any visible flaws? perhaps thats why she zoomed each of her picture?

Oh and one more thing. I can't take my eyes off this one particular guy. he looked like Azrul Raja Lawak, u know. His hair style, even his looks! well except that he's taller, and not chubby like Azrul of course. In fact, his body is tough-looking. but i noticed something weird. he looks so handsome.

But he wore fake glasses.

How can i tell? Fake glasses has reflection when light penetrates through them. Genuine glasses don't.

Gosh i observed and think a lot about people around me when i'm freakin' bored.

Colouring my blog (^^)

I love my the new look in my blog.

It's no more.... Dull looking. Lol.

It's dark, yet colourful, bright, and cheerful. Much more inviting to read 'em.

Don't you think so? (^^)

My lips are sealed.

Keeping secrets are hard.

Keeping your mouth shut and your wills caged behind bars are hard.

Not until i get the confirmation that it is genuinely true, my mouth will stay shut.

With locks, chains, zippers and all.

These male species, they never take female seriously huh?

Not until they realize they've lost them.

p/s: this includes you, Mr. Romantic. *Tapping fingers*

I don't care, and perhaps never will.

Guys in my life come and go.

They never stay.

Somehow they'll just disappear one day. Sometimes without reason.

And i just never feel bothered to care. If you need me, come find me. I'm not going to go looking for you like a pathetic desperado.

Which is why.... I can never stay loyal in a relationship.

I'm sick of getting hurt.

You're just too sweet, my dear.

He's super sweet. Super romantic. And i'm talking serious crap here.

Like, seriously. He's the guy with the red rose (or teddy bears), with the sweet words that made your heart melt like a chocolate under the sun, that made your knees weakened.

The guy that never gets bored to surprise you with gifts in any form just so he'll able to see you smile.

The guy that will always make you laugh.

The guy that will protect you from harm, and willing to die because of you.

The guy that will wrap you tight in his warm arms and tell you that you will be safe in his care, that everything is gonna be alright.

The guy that will stare at you lovingly and smile to your every silly mistake.

The guy that worries when you're sick and will never leave your side.

The guy that will catch each drop of your tears and comfort you when you feel hurt.

The guy that shares your responsibility with him, and believes in doing everything together.

The guy that puts you as his first priority and himself, second.

The guy that believes in marriage, and wants to build a family with you

The guy that will always love and forgive you no matter what you do, and stay with you no matter what happens, he will always be there for you.

The guy that will stay with you, and will do literally ANYTHING for you just to make you feel happy.

The guy that will never, ever hurt you.

The guy that sincerely loves you just for who you are.

He's your man, and i won his heart in my palm.

Too romantic perhaps.

Sometimes romance shouldn't be taken overboard.

Because sometimes it sickens me.

p/s: i'm really sorry dear. but i still DO appreciate everything you did. It's... Too sweet.

Feel way better. Don't ruin my mood.

Finally. I feel much better now.

Thanks to 'Flushed Away'.

I just need to watch comedies and have a laugh whenever these stresses are bothering my freakin' head.

I feel much better. Way better.

And please, stop asking me about my damn studies or assignments because i'll just start to freakin' curse again. Those are the cause of my stress and i don't wanna hear anything about it. i don't even wanna HEAR the word or anything RELATED to the freakin' matter so please.

Ask about something else.

I repeat! DO NOT ASK or even MENTION about my studies or ANYTHING THAT RELATES TO THAT PARTICULAR MATTER. <-- (Please take note!)

Or else you'll ruin my good mood. You don't want that to happen. Trust me. it won't be pretty.

p/s: More comedy please!!! (^^)

Please. Just shut up, girl.

Everything seems wrong when i'm trying to let out my feelings, my anger, my fury, these heavy load of stress above my shoulders. Everything seems fucking wrong.

When i look into the mirror, i see a pathetic, fucking fat girl who has no life. A fat girl. And i hate her. i hate her to the bottom of my heart, i swear i hate her.

Die, you fucking fat bitch.

Everytime i let them out, there will always be people mocking me, judging me. It seems as if i no longer have a place to tell all my problems, and to... just... listen to me.

Those people. They never understand. All they do is giving solutions. Telling me to be patient, to pray, to be patient, to pray, blah blah blah.

God, i just want a moment of silence and cry them out for heaven's sake. i just want you to listen, and to understand. not to mock me. You don't have to speak. I just want you to listen.

Perhaps i needed some space of my own. Just trap myself inside this box and never ever let anyone enter. Trapping all my cries and pathetic curses inside me. perhaps i need to start keeping secrets. I don't need them to judge me and mocking me, enough is enough. I hate myself, enough said. I don't need you to make me hating myself and people around me even more.

Nobody understands. perhaps i just need to shut up rather than talk too much.

Yes, perhaps that's what i should do. I talk too much. I complain too much. This time let me just sink them inside me and torment me slowly. Let these fucking 'insects' eat me to crumbles. Continue living inside this endless hypocrisy of life. They will never understand me. They'll never know who i truly am.

Perhaps i need to shut up now.

Yes. i'll do just that. Amen.

p/s: I hate crying, it hurts my head a lot.

No, he's not the one.

i thought i've probably met the guy i can trully 'trust'. You know, the prince charming, the knight on the white horse blah blah blah~

But yeah~ everyone's not perfect.

And i think i can't accept his kind of imperfection. i can't live with it, i'm sorry.

who's next in line?

NEXT!!!

The 'dark' side of mine~

Sometimes i wonder.

No, i wonder about this EVERYDAY.

How does it feels like to lose one's mind?

To lose one's sanity?

How does it feels like to lose control?

How does it feels like to hurt yourself? Torture yourself? to jump off a building?

How does it feels like to be mentally ill?

I often wonder about these things, you know. Negative stuff. Killing. Dying. Tragedy. I've always wondered about matters like these since i was still an innocent child. Seriously. When i looked at the top of any tall buildings, my mind will imagine a body falling from that top of the building, smashing his/her head to the ground. Splattered brain.

When i'm at a tall place myself, i will imagine how would it be to jump and fall down from that height.

My favourite, yet most feared tragedy would be dying in a car crash. I always imagined myself in a car crash whenever i'm riding on a vehicle.

When it's rainning, i would imagine someone being struck by lightning.

And then i ponder for a while; me, thinking all these freaking violence and negative stuff, does that makes me a pathetic person in real life? Does that makes me an emo?

I don't think so.

I only think and write that way. But seriously, outside in reality, i can never be much more happier. In reality, i portray myself as a cheerful person who's able to control and take control of her own life. I can do anything if i WANT to.

People might look at me as somebody who (literally) complains a lot but will still get things done fast, fast, fast. I don't like problems. I hate procrastinating. When i have problems, or even desire, i get them achieved and done, and settled ASAP.

Which is probably why people tend to look at me as a cheerful, happy, problem and stress-free person. I tend to channel the stress into writing.

Sometimes i just hate being happy. Because there's nothing i can talk neither share about with people.

Deep inside i'm still that little kid who's freakin' obsessed with all sorts of negativity. And i will still 'see' people jumping and falling off from top of buildings whenever i see them.

p/s: My ex-bf seemed really bothered when i told him about this dark side of mine.

I hope you understand.

There was one time; I remembered he was lying on the couch, relaxing while watching TV. Then I climb upstairs to fetch something. His eyes tailed me. When I was about to disappear from his sight, he asked

“You’re not gonna talk to me, are you?”

I can sense stinging of sadness in his voice, as if he feels really disappointed that I rarely speak to him anymore. I told him I was only going to take some stuff from upstairs, not that I don’t want to talk to him. But deep inside, I knew that he guessed them right.

Its not that I don’t want him to be with me anymore, I just….. I don’t feel like talking to him. I just want to look at him and having him to accompany me wherever I go, but not to talk to me.

I just wanna see him smile rather than talking to me. I'm really sorry. (T_T)

I really hope you'll understand.

The wrath of literature's blockage~

Ignore me, ignore what i said.

Ok, i lied. Don't ignore me.

I lied again. Ignore me.

I just don't know what to think of anymore.

These damn last-minute-given-assignments is making me sick.

What's making things all worse is that i'm currently experiencing writer's idea blockage.

I feel sick. Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick.

p/s: I need to watch a lot of good movies and read a lot of good books, darn it.

Losing confidence in my own passion *cry*

I hate it when i'm obsessed with other people's artworks instead of mine

Why can't i become obsessed with MY OWN piece of work?

Why must i think mine as a junk? as a useless piece of crap that others never take for granted?

Why can't i have creative ideas like them?

My artwork SUCKS!!! *banging my head to the wall*

Hubungan Suami Isteri --> PLS READ!

This fact is true.

And i hope the muslim guys will understand this and change their way of thinking towards us females.

READ THIS --> Hubungan Suami Isteri!

I want to apologize officially to EVERYONE

today i've met someone i know well. I know him really well.

And i.... 'lied' to him about something unavoidable and private.

After that he started saying something else.

Those things he said... It hurt me a lot.

Not because he tease me or something, but he said something that shows his determination regarding the lie i told him about.

He really believes 'it'. and i felt really, really bad.

But revealing the truth will make things much worse.

I just hope you'll forgive. In fact, i hope everyone i hurt and lie to would be able to forgive me without them knowing the truth. I feel so bad. So... soo bad.

p/s: (T~T) i feel like crying when i hear what that man said to me.

A message to myself --> Start 'CLEANING'!

There's too much going inside my head.

Due to too much reading. (fiction stuff *coughcough*)

If my mind is a bedroom, i bet it looks like a horrible mess as if a tornado had an overnight stay.

You get the picture. Right?

There's too much stuff going on in my head. Too much.

And i just don't know where to start 'cleaning' them and where to 'put' the right 'things' at the right 'place'. (if ya know what i mean.)

Each time i wanna start 'cleaning' the messy 'bedroom', i will have to search for the right music to work with it. I 'clean' with music as a 'theme' to tune and set the right mood in.

Now the music is on. (in fact i got 2 theme songs for this 'spring cleaning session')

And.... The music has been playing.... For several weeks now.

And .... There's still no (ANY) sort of 'cleaning' progress going on yet. (T.T)

Its not that i don't wanna start 'cleaning' them, its just that i have a lot of other much more important things to do in my life!

Such as.... Checking my mail and surfing the net? XD

Lol kidding. such as EXAMS, and ASSIGNMENTS and LACKING OF SLEEP (due to checking emails and surfing the net lmao~ XD)

Darkie, i hope you can bear waitting for me to clean you up a'ight? i promise i will. Just that its not now. Oh and please don't kill the music. Let it play.

I don't want the 'mood' to die.

p/s: Zack, stop bothering with my mood! i can't be thinking about you all day in my life! Gimme a break! i'm already freakin' in love with you! Isn't that enough?? *pull his spiky hair and hit his head while he groans* lol~

I want him to stay. At least for now.

I begged him once, "Please don't ever leave me."

He looked me in the eye and smiled tenderly. "I'll stay as long as you remember me, and I'll leave when you no longer need me."

I smiled back and hugged him tight, feeling really safe.

And in a slow voice, i can hear him whisper under his breath, "I know you will soon forget about me. When that time comes, i'll walk away with a smile, knowing that you've finally found a reason to beam and i'll disappear as if i have never existed. But don't worry. When you need me, i will always come back for you."

He's right. I know deep inside my heart that he will disappear from my memories one day. His presence is only temporary.

I just hope the time isn't now.

Because right now, i need him with me, and i need him really bad.

how to lose weight?? does anyone know???

Seriously, i need to start doing something to lose weight here.

A son of my mom's friend manage to lose weight. He look so different!!

If he can, i can too!

i just need to know how (T_T)