2 entries.

1ST ENTRY

I can't believe it.. I have finally become a teacher!

But there's too much work to be done.

Warden duty, lesson plans, helping out the school with their activities, finishing the 2010 yearly report, blah blah blah~

It was truly awkward for me when i became a teacher for the first time. It was awkward to listen to these school kids greeting you and saying "assalamualaikum cikgu" everytime they passed me. It is even more awkward to be entrust with such authority; by meaning that i am actually the one with the power over these school kids. I can punish them, tell them what to do, and still have them respecting me at the same time. I'm still not used with being in authority. I'm not used with having the ultimate power over people, to be able to tell people what to do without being scolded or questioned. But hell yeah it is awesome indeed!

I want to be a teacher these students will love and appreciate, the teacher they will remember and feel inspired for the rest of their lives, the teacher that changes their lives. I don't want to be just a teacher to their eyes, but a teacher that touches their very soul. But i'm still in doubt on how to get to these students' hearts.

=.= Oh yeah, not to mention regarding the male teachers there.... Very... Urm... friendly & good looking. Nevermind.

Other than that, the teachers are quite friendly and helpful (^^) and the students aren't that many.

Oh... And the... Dorm... Urm... Haunted? *shivers* huhuhu~

Too many to write here.. I'll tell u if there's really something worth telling.

2ND ENTRY

He has a scandal.

And he actually loves her. Broke my heart.

Has he never consider how i would actually feel if he loves another girl?

How if I love another guy? and telling him i am considering on marrying the other guy instead of him? How would he feel then?

Or maybe, his love to me has decrease... He doesn't text me that often anymore, and has cared for me lesser and lesser each day... Ever since his brother start moving into his home, the family business problem, and ever since he start knowing that... that.... Girl.

The one he admits he likes so much and perhaps love, to the point where he is considering on marrying her. The one that actually brought positive changes in him.

Unlike me... The so called devil within his life... The slut... The one that only bring bad to him.

I can never, ever, ever accept if the person i love actually loves somebody else. That is a huge PROHIBITION in my life.

NEVER LOVE A GUY THAT LOVES ANOTHER GIRL INSTEAD OF YOU.

And so i told him... If he loves her, then be the best for her. Marry her, be her best husband and i will never disturb him anymore. I will leave him in peace for him and her to live happily. I will back down and give way to that girl if he loves her, although i love him too much. For her sake, for his sake. I can't stand it when he keeps mentioning about the other girl. Frankly, I HATE HER. Who doesn't when there's this other hijacker hijacks your beloved one until he wants to marry her? I feel terribly sorry for the wives whose husbands marry a second wife, a third wife, and so on. I am sorry, i can never be able to live with such pain. I rather not be married, or stay single that being married to someone who loves another girl other. And i will NEVER let myself become the second, third, or fourth wife. NEVER. And I will NEVER let myself be a victim of the husband who marries a girl other than me.

Yeah, its hard.. But i've made up my mind. Once he chooses her, and once he admits to me he loves her and if he mention to me about wanting to marry HER or any other girl, I will back down and let him have a happy life with her. If she is the best for him, then be it. I won't want to cause chaos or fighting over him with some other girl.

If she wants him, and he wants her, then go ahead and have a happy life together. May both of them be happy for the rest of their lives. It breaks my heart, but i am willing to let him go if he loves her.

Because the pain of having to live with your husband loving another girl is much worse than the pain of breaking up with the one you love whom had cheated on you.

I'll let him choose. I won't let him love and have the both of us. He will only need to choose one.

If you choose me, then be the old you that i knew. The one who worries me, who will call me everytime i did not reply his messages, wanting to know every updates of mind, listening to me when i have problems, comforting me when i cry, saying how much he loves me... And most of all...

Cry for me... Actually cried for me due to worry of losing me. (I still remember he actually cried on the phone, telling me he can never live without me although i was at the wrong side at the time. But now, not anymore... Never bothered at all... I guess this time he doesn't mind if i'm dead or sick... I guess this time, since he has that GIRL in his life, since he fell in love with her, he can live without me and his tears has long dried for me. I guess, this time he will cry for HER, and tell HER he worries of losing her and can't live without her just like how he did to me.)

But if your heart strongly desires for her, then i'll leave you in peace. Be the best for her and i hope you will have a happy life with her. And thank you for toying around with my heart and fooling me around like an idiot who loves you.

Choose between me and her, before i make the decision for you.

I have none to say.

<:'(

He has never done this to me..

I don't know what i did wrong till he changed so drastically.

He's not the old him i used to know... The old him used to worry of me everytime i did not reply his text messages. He even got worried when i said i need to do my practical at a school where there are mostly males. Telling me to keep him updated. He will call me everytime i didnt reply him. Always pick up and answer when i call him, telling me sweet words that he loves me.. and even cried, just because i stay silent on the phone and let him talk by himself..

i still remember he said this when we just coupled:

"Sayang, do you remember the first time when i say i love you? well i don't feel the same anymore, because i love you more than that... Love you sayang.."

That was the most touching text he ever sent me, that i still remember untill today, and even showed it to my family and friends, to show them how much he loves me and cares for me... That made me fell in love so deeply with him, and let me unlocked my long-guarded gates to my heart. He was so, so caring, so, so full with love and he always showed how much he loves me and cares for me...

But that was the times when we coupled during the early period... Now, he changes so much..

No longer care to reply my texts, nor if i don't text him for a very long time... No longer worries of me if i am safe, no longer asks me for updates. The loving words just disappeared. He has stopped caring about me or my feelings entirely, and often make me cry without having even a slice piece of guilt in him... And he stops crying for me too... The first reason that made me fell in love with him was listening to him crying just because i refuse to talk to him... I felt touched that a guy would cry just for me... But now his tears and love towards me has gone dry for so long..

Even has the guts to hung up on me and refuse to answer my calls when i called him many, many times... And when he finally answered, i cried asking him why did he hung up on me, and he hung up again, straight away..

and send me text message "pehal nak nangis?" and "Jangan col lg!"

The worse part was when he admits he likes another girl... Its ok to like somebody, but the problem here is, he even has the intention to marry her.

Whatever wrong have i done to him till he is willing to hurt me this bad?

Can't stop crying because of him... Can't... stop... crying.....

How would you feel when your beloved one says this?

Imagine if someone you love, your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancée says this phrase:

"I love her/him, but i like the other her/him."

How would you feel when he or she said that to his/her friend, of which you happen to found out about it?

And worse, that you love him/her so much and have high expectations and even have planned on marrying him/her?

Finding out the one you love actually likes somebody else and has higher chances on marrying the other person instead of you, although you love him/her all your heart; how does that make you feel?

Whatever the feelings are, i am positive that none of them is a good feeling.

As for me? How do i feel when my beloved one admits he actually likes another girl and is able to marry her, and be with her instead of me?

I can't describe them with words. My tears just flow and dropped automatically.. My eyes got wet. My heart... All i can feel right now is pain.

How could he betray me like this. How could he toy around with me, after i have literally gave all my heart and soul to him, which is never an easy thing for me.

How could he break his promises, betray my trust to him, and break my heart this cruel.

It feels so much god-damn worse than a broken heart.

Because everytime i recall his confession, all i could do is cry.

Unexpected duty-call

At first i was excited on becoming a warden for the female hostel.

But now, i'm starting to have doubts, as i began to realize the heavy duties and responsibilities as a warden. Heck, i'm worried of not having enough time to finish my lesson plans and term paper on time!

How am i able to finish my lesson plans before the next day when i have to round the female hostel a few times in the middle of the night to make sure the students are all in bed, asleep?

How am i able to finish my lesson plans before tomorrow when we need to stay concious if there are emergencies involving the students happening in the middle of the night at stake?

Or worse, if the female/male students are sneaking into each other's hostel in the middle of the night?

And having to do random spotchecks to check if the students brought things that are not allowed in hostels or school?

And so, having to punish them by other means than hurting or humiliating them in any way?

*sigh*... I hope i can carry out this warden duty AND finish my term paper & lessons on time.

Dear Lord please lend me your strength and help me... huhu~

Good News & Bad News

first entry:

I can't believe i have finally ended my 4 year course in UNIHELL. It is still fresh in my mind about the first time, the very first time i attended the class and meet with my fellow classmates 4 years ago. It's hard to believe that i have stick together with the same friends for 4 years. Even my life during school can't ever beat the life i had in UNIHELL. I am speechless in describing how thankful i am feeling to have been in the B class, with my current classmates, the coolest classmates ever! (although i am never happy and satisfied with my progress in UNIHELL academically.)

I still remember my thoughts during the earlier periods in this damned place. I was thinking "it feels forever staying in this middle of nowhere! when will i ever get out of this place???"

But now, eventhough it has been 4 years, it still feels like the time isn't yet enough. Still feels too short of a time to leave this place. I'm gonna miss all my fellow friends and classmates. Never had such cool and sporting classmates and friends all my life. I'm not embarrassed to admit that i enjoy my life and times in university than school years tho it was torturing as hell (academically speaking).

But then, despite of feeling melancholy regarding my very final meeting with classmates before we took off to take different paths, i am feeling excited and anxious at the same time. Excited to face the next phase in life; the life of a career, bachelor and marriage woman.

I have waited for 15 years to end this academic misery and i have enough with sitting for exam papers and worrying of grades. It is time to move on to the next phase where i can work and receive paychecks to spend on for fun, responsibility, and survival; an entirely different life. The life of a true adult.

And i can't wait to enter THAT kind of life!

second entry:

Trully disappointed with a particular person in my life.

Broke my heart and soul to dusts when he admitted he's not gonna marry me.

I've told him about NOT WANTING to love anyone who cannot afford to marry me, and NOT WANTING to love anyone who only wants to couple for the sake of fun. I warned him these even before i met him and accepted him as part of me.

And he answered he's looking for the exact same thing.

I told him i was tired of falling in love and out of love with people who aren't really serious and aren't looking forward for marriage. I only wanted to love and will only accept the one who ARE LOOKING FORWARD for marriage.

Odd enough, he agreed with me and wanted the same thing; which made me accepted him in my life as i thought he will be the one who trully loves me and will be my husband one day.

And then recently, i mentioned about marriage. Early marriage.

And somehow it 'freaked' him out and made him has cold feet.

And all those dearly lovey-dovey words he promised and mentioned before we coupled just disappeared. He freaked out when i mentioned to him of marrying me and wanted to break our relationship apart if marriage is what i want; Destroying every single piece of hopes and dreams i have imagined with him in it.

Instead of telling me he will work it out for the sake of being together with me, he threw harsh and hurtful words to me, jeering me to leave him and find someone else if i am expecting him to marry me. He made all those dreams he had me hoped sinks deep into the ocean of sorrow.

It made me cried when he admitted he will not marry me and will not even try to throw efforts to marry me after telling me how much he loves me all these while we have been together.

Speaking about crying, i have lost count of how many times i cried since yesterday regarding this problem. He made me cried so bad, broke my heart and he did not seemed to care at all. I even cried in the train, because i was waiting for his text messages to persuade me, but all i get was text messages saying that he wants to break up with me if i want to marry him, and asked me if i had told my mom about it.

Made me cried again when his voice at the end of line seems so cold and harsh, forcing me to get lost if i can't afford to wait for him for another 7 years.

He claims that he loves me, but refuses to marry me and was willing to 'pass' me to some other guy as if i am worthless to him.

He said he was looking for a wife and not a girlfriend before we coupled, and i have even warned him of the same thing. And now he is the one breaking his words.

This is why i hate guys, hate to love, hate to be loyal.

This was why i even became a playgirl before i met him.

I am not someone who easily gives my heart to someone. I am not someone who will love and give my all to him so easily. My heart is cold and hard. I only let very few people to receive my love all out. I am only loyal to very few people in my life, and those few people were chosen because they managed to melt my solid-rock heart into sand.

He was one of them.

And just like every other guys i have been with, he chose to leave me.

Just the same like the other few people i let inside my heart.

Can't recall how much i cried today because of him. Can't recall how much damage he has costs to my feelings and heart. He has destroyed not just my dreams but my trust to all men as well.

I am not someone who loves people so easily, and once i gave my trust to him, one among the very few people, he betrayed it.

He betrayed it. He betrayed it. He betrayed it.

He betrayed it.

I have none to say. I will not decide on my ending. He will.

Love equals with effort and ends with marriage, not addition of 7 years of wait.

He wanted me to wait for 7 years just because either he has no confidence in himself, or that he actually feels lazy to work for his future in the near future.

He wanted me to wait until i become old, useless, and worthless, only then he will marry me.

That was what HE SAID.

And who knows, if he suddenly choose not to marry at all after i have waited for 7 years for his sake, with an excuse that he's NOT YET READY, and this time, wanted to wait untill he is 40.

Just like what he said to me this evening. He was the one who agreed on wanting to couple with me for the sake of marriage and not just for the sake of love. But when the marriage question comes, he choose not to marry me, with an excuse that he's NOT YET READY, and wanted me to wait until he is 30.

Ya Allah... Please show and guide me to my true future husband... I have enough shedding useless tears for broken hearts and stupid break ups. Please dear God, just lead me to my future husband and no more 'pit-stops' with different guys that will not marry me.

If i have none, then let me stay single, lonely and worthless for the rest of my life.

p/s: Crying while typing this and still crying when reading this. and ignore my writings. Let it be reminded that this blog is the particular blog where i write and tell how i currently felt to the world, for the whole world to know and understand me. (and the proof of my existence and what happened in my life in this world when i die soon.)

Satisfying setting for PRIVACY!

I feel safer in FB rather than in my own blog.

I can't even write anything i want here for people to read and know my feelings.

Because there are no specific settings to hide the entries whatsoever. It's all public, even people who don't follow me are able to read them.

I can no longer write stupid, *TOOT* stuff that bothers me for my friends to read and know.

But not in FB.

FB has specific settings where u can block and hide the posts from you nor your friends from being read by certain people.

I just did that, and from now on i can hide what i say to the world from 'certain' people who might or might not read my blog entries. Those anonymous followers i don't know.

I may not be able to write any *TOOT* stuff anymore in here, but i can always write them in FB, on my FB status. I can reveal my true feelings to my friends and hide them from the people whom i need to behave to, the people whom i need to be 'concerned' of his/her image, and also my own, from other people, especially in front of the relatives.

I can write any god-damn-status i want, whether ranting or criticizing or TELL MY TRUE FEELINGS without needing to worry about what my family and relatives think of me.

Because they can't read them. Because i've set the settings to hide from them.

I apologize to certain family members whom i had also hide my wall posts to. I just need to do that to secure my privacy 100%, secure my privacy so i know i feel safe whenever i write things that hurts my feelings to people. Feelings that has to do with the family members themselves or my relatives. But then..

TAKE THAT, fellow anonymous blog readers! >:)

p/s: hell yeah it feels so god-damn satisfying indeed, and to Mr Fanssurivokovic, this entry has nothing to do with you, because you are not one of those people i hide and block in FB. (i'm telling this just in case if you misunderstood the enrty and find fault with me, which u always did before hmm.)

I PASSED MY JPJ TEST!!!! :D

Historical Day: FINALLY PASSED JPJ TEST!!!

God i was so goddamn happy and thankful that i wanted to do sujud syukur! Finally after a year of waiting, since the end of 2009, i passed the JPJ test on the 5th of January 2011!!!

There were so many things that went through my mind when i got to know i passed the JPJ test:

1) I can finally help my mom to drive when she's tired or have back pains or sore feet

2) I can finally go anywhere i want without using the public transport, and without having to make difficult of my mom to drive me there

3) I can drive to UNIHELL and my school and i don't need to take the bus anymore!

4) I can finally DRIVE myself home rather than having to wait and use the KTM :D

5) I can take my siblings to go out by driving rather than having to wait for mom or make difficult of her to take them out. (eg: go to jusco to watch movies, take them to the store if they need things, take them out to eat outside, etc)

6) I can change driving shifts with my parents when we are driving long-distance

7) I can go to any state i want, ANYWHERE i want (genting highland, KL, etc) without having to take the bus NOR wait for my mom or 'menyusahkan' my mom to take me there. I can just go there without worrying of transportation :P

Basically, the two most essential thing that i had in my mind when i passed my JPJ test was that, 1st, i am finally capable of being INDEPENDENT!!! and 2nd, i can finally HELP my mom to drive rather than just listen to her complaints of sore back and feet helplessly when she drove (as i couldn't drive back then. BACK THEN, HAH!!! LOL!!! :PPP)

I-AM-FINALLY-CAPABLE-OF-HELPING-MOM-IN-A-WAY :P

Ok, lets start talking about how i passed it. I failed JPJ twice before this, twice at the 3 pointer and the road. And i wasn't fully ok with controlling the car on the slope as well.

And then hell yeah i was scared and got so god-damn nervous on the way to the JPJ test. The JPJ test place was far away from UNIHELL.. Very, very far away. So i had a lot of bad thoughts in my mind, of how if i fail this time too? Wasted of RM560, and a pain in the ass of having to be forced to go back and forth from my rent house to school/UNIHELL by Bus since no one in my practicum group were able to drive nor has any cars to drive. My stomach had these painful butterflies on the way to the place.

The wait was much more painful than doing the actual test.

Surprisingly, i didn't feel that much of nervousness in me when i finally arrived and was about to do all three test (slope, parking and 3 pointer) in the track. I convinced myself that i've done this like a million times during my practice session and i've done the same for JPJ twice before. I am familiar with the procedures and the techniques therefore i had no reason to freak out. I felt even more confident when i had been taught by my driving school teacher there the real technique on overcoming the slope, and had somewhat basically mastered the skill as well.

(FYI, i was taught by 2 different driving teachers when i failed my JPJ twice before this, both of them from the same driving school in Puchong, but this time i took the class and test in Kuala Kubu, with a different teacher, and surpiringly i passed.)

=_=" of course, the only thing i was worried at that time was whether or not i can pass the 3 pointer test this time.

When i did the 3 pointer, i panicked a little, just a little, because i was worried if i had accidentally touched the line again on the cement floor. But halfway, i decided to just go for it and not going to let myself be bothered and disturbed by the problem. i said to myself, it doesn't matter anymore if i pass or not because if i don't pass, it will be just the same like my previous JPJ tests, therefore the same cycle will repeat itself again.

i Was actually waiting for the JPJ officer to blow his whistle to stop me and say that i fail, and tell me to get out of the car (just like how my twice of my failure did previously). Shockingly when i did the 3 pointer, I hear no whistle blowing! I was just about to feel happy then suddenly..

My car suddenly reverse a bit backwards due to the slope when i stopped the car to drive it out. And i know that it will be a fail when the car move more than 3 times. And there i thought "Damn! Fail again!"

When i got to the JPJ's table to get my form, i got even more frustrated when my 3 pointer form was empty. I cursed myself for failing again at the very same place.

And then there it was.... The officer suddenly ticked every box and wrote there 'Lulus'!!!

I was soo soooo sooo happy! The first time ever of passing that 3 pointer test during JPJ test!!! I blurted out 'Alhamdullillah!' out of happiness, and said thank you happily to the officer, and he smiled awkwardly to me. (he had no idea how desperate i was to get a pass for the 3 pointer test)

The same goes to the on-the-road test. I failed twice too previously. The first time was because i used the right lane, and it was a mandatory mistake. The second time, i had food poisoning and the road was as busy as hell, so i drove like nuts and was too eager to switch lanes till i was claimed as driving dangerously =_="

And so i hadn't had on high hopes to pass this one too, although i was pretty much confident on driving. When i got into the car, i did everything i should before driving, and i drove like how i practised during the lessons. Like usual, the JPJ officer wasn't showing his friendly face. He didn't even smile. The worse part was that he wore sunglasses, so i couldn't read his eyes and tell his expression whether he was pleased with my driving or not.

Come to say of it, i noticed that MOST JPJ officers wear sunglasses, and i was dying to know why. Why would they wear sunglasses? is it compulsory for them? Because the sunglasses made them look cool, but frightening. The sunglasses made them look fierce, which adds to the nervousness of fellow first-timers of JPJ test-takers.

And so to break the ice, i finally dared myself to ask my JPJ officer the question when driving back to the JPJ test place, while waiting at the traffic light to go green. (after waiting for a long time, considering whether or not i should ask because the officer looked so fierce and not wanting to talk or anything).

Again, surprisingly, he responded well and even friendly to me! He complained to me that the heat was torturing, the light was too bright and that he needs to stay inside the car for hours to monitor and assess the test-takers performances and bear the bright sunlight. He said it hurts their eyes as they need to face the bright light for hours, instead of leaving the car after a few minutes of driving like the test-takers.

It was really shocking to me that this fierce-looking officer was actually friendly (only after i started asking him first and break the ice.). He asked me why i asked, and i said i just noticed that most JPJ officers wear them and felt curious. I told him the sunglasses made them all look pretty cool, but frighteningly fierce at the same time which will only add the nervousness of the participants. He laughed and asked me if i had anymore curious questions. I told him my bf wants to become a jpj officer and was wondering how. Then he explains on the procedures, which i don't really understand.

He asked again if i had anymore questions. I said "Nah, the only questions i have left in my mind are personal ones that should not be asked."

And suddenly he replied, "Don't worry, i am married with two kids."

And i was like "What-the-hell? i didn't even ask you anything and you already straight away assuming the question and replied me personal details about you? i didn't ask you that at all -.-"

But of course, i didn't say that. I only laughed politely and smiled. (till i forgot to hit the left signal to turn left back into the JPJ test place)

Then, he told me to sign here and there, and he passed me 17/20!!!

I don't care if its just one mark above failure, the important thing is I PASSED!!!! And I don't need to do all these stupid JPJ tests and attend driving lessons anymore!!!

YEEEEHAAA!!! Finally able to drive a car without doubting on not having license!!!

Thank you God for letting me pass this time, Thank you SO SO MUCH!!!

p/s: i just can't wait to drive back home!

Reflecting 2010.

It's a bit.. sad.. Really..

Because this year (2010), i couldn't celebrate mom's birthday officially with cakes and candles. As if like there's no birthday celebration for her.

And this year, is the important year whereby i turn 21, the most important birthday of my life. And sadly yet, there was no official celebration with cakes and candles for me either. No official celebration with my family, and no listening to my mom crying (or something like that) to witness that her first child has actually grown into an adult, the very first child of hers whom turn into an adult.

Even more sad is that, this year (2010), we found out about the things my dad hide from us that really had upset mom. And he did it twice.

Another sad part, or yet the most extreme sad event that occurred this year (2010), is when grandpa fell down and had his 2nd stroke, which caused him to strain his back and (maybe) paralysed from the waist down, which caused my mom having to take care of him including watching his father in law's dick and balls, change his diapers, clean after his piss and shits, bath him, and everything else.

Whats even more sad than the extreme part this year (2010) is that none of the siblings are willing to take turn to take care of their own dad (even my own dad, his son), and gave many excuses to escape from their responsibility, therefore leaving mom forced to handle the heavy burden alone on her shoulders, without anyone willing to help her.

Which then cause her to be stressed, moody, sulky, unhappy and grumpy at most times. Which then, cause her children (us) to feel as if they had lost her.

We missed the old her who screams our name early in the morning to wake us up so that we can eat breakfast at the mamak restaurant.

We missed the old her who tickles us out of the blue.

We missed her smiles and laughter. We missed her sincere and pure happiness.

And we hate it that she turned all sort of negative things now just because of this stupid grandpa problem that SHE needs to handle ALONE.

We just want our old mom back. And i won't mind to do whatever it takes to get the old her back, even if she wanted to divorce or run away and rent somewhere else far from dad and his family. If that's what will makes her happy then i am all 100% supportive of it.

Another sad thing this year (2010) is that, i am all alone again when facing an important event. All alone during New Year. It's sad to witness that this UNIHELL is going to be all dark, silent and lonely tonight, as most of the other students have gone back home to celebrate new year with their beloved ones. And here i am all alone inside this dark, silent, and lonely place.

I can't recall much of any good or improvement that happens to me this year. The only good memories or improvement i could remember (which i consider as important) for 2o10 was:

1) Learned to play guitar

2) Friends at college wish and sing happy birthday song for me.

3) Met my dream guy who truly loves me and made me a whole.

As for number 3), i really hope that we will last. I really feel, and want him to be the one for me for the rest of my life, and i have not regret knowing him.

Wishing for 2011 will be a better year, and a year where i start my new adulthood, independent life and my own carrier (and hopefully my own family/marriage).

Get lost 2010, and welcome 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

Empty

I'm not ready to go for my practical.

I'm not ready to face all those secondary school students and become a teacher.

I want to face the next phase in life, but i'm not ready to face the consequences. I don't have experience in anything and my real life is just about to begin.

I don't have dreams and goals to achieve in life. Its all zero.

I don't know what i want in life. I keep wanting objects i can keep rather than having a goal i need to achieve.

My dream, my previous dream of writing a novel and script, turned to ashes. The dreams are gone now, because i don't trust that i can do it anymore. It is all hopeless now.

I have nothing to live for and life feels empty indeed.

I want to enter the next phase in life, but i am just not yet ready for anything at all.

How come?

Last night, my mom got something very expensive from dad, just out of the blue.

Before this, he suddenly gave her a diamond ring. (Hell yeah expensive~!), and last night, he bought her a silver diamond watch (which is also hell expensive.)

He's like that sometimes. When he's in a really good mood, he'll buy her something out of the blue, or he'll buy her stuff she wants when he's trying to 'bodek' her.

I'm happy for her of course, except that, then, i couldn't help myself from thinking that....

He always buy his wife nice expensive things that she wants at times, when he got the money and when he's in good mood.

But how come he never buys his children anything nice and expensive that they want, when he got the money and when he's in good mood?

Aren't his children part of his family too?

And what really makes me feel sick to the stomach is that, instead of buying his children things they need or want that is expensive once in a while when he has the money, he told his children to buy the things themselves using their own money, or worse...

He told his children to buy from him.

He always buys his wife nice and expensive things when he got the money and when he's in good mood. But how come he never buys his children anything at all?

I just can't help myself think of this.

Just shut up, me.

At times, or most of the time, i feel i spoke too much.

Spoke too much as in saying-things-that-hurts-people-and-brings-me-trouble kind of much.

And i hate when that happens.

That's why in class or with my friends, i prefer being the quiet one, i prefer not to expose the real me too much. Because i don't want them to hate me and i'll lose the friends i have which is already limited in amount.

Because i too, hate myself when i become myself.

I prefer being the 'me' around my friends and not the 'me' around my family.

But i don't know why its hard for me to do just that.

Things are just a bit tough for now.

Family-sort-of-problems, in addition of the tests, final exams and assignments, and term papers and practical that i need to accomplish in a limited time.

I feel like... Running away and never ever come back.

Like i said, things are a bit tough for now.

Only for now... I hope..

I desperately hope.

What is wrong with me...?

I don't understand why today i felt so weak and sleepy.

My feet hurts when i walk, even when i don't wear heels.

And i've slept too often today, as in like, i've continually steal a few short hours or minutes of naps throughout the whole day; when i was in class, when i got back from class, and when i got back again from class.

And i don't understand why recently i ate double the amount of food i usually took. From 1 serving, to 2 servings.

And this morning, something freaky happened to me.

I couldn't clutch my right fist tight enough to hold the pencil and write. I couldn't write.

I don't understand why recently my body is failing me.

I need energy, but i have eaten twice the amount of food. Its impossible to say i lack of energy when i ate 2 servings of food per meal.

Then why did i felt so weak, and sleepy till my feet hurts to walk? specifically to say, my right leg hurts when i walk, including both feet.

Ok, now i'm starting to see, my right leg hurts when walking, my right fist couldn't clutch tightly.

What does that tells you?

Thank you all!

The moment the clock struck 12, i wasn't happy at all.

Yes i was waiting, but i wasn't happy.

Not because of getting older, no. I'm proud being older.

At the moment when the clock struck 12, i cried.

Yes, i celebrate the first minute and second of officially being 21, by crying and drowning myself with tears of depression.

Why you may ask?

Because i felt so lonely.

It was my most special moment ever, (i don't turn 21 everyday, and this day only comes once a year) but there was nobody around me. No one to sing me happy birthday, no cakes, no celebration. None of my friends (except him) have waited for 12am and be the first to wish me.

My 12am moment of being 21 was lonely, and being far away from my family, and with no celebration...

Therefore i cried my eyes out to sleep. (plus having an asthma attack)

But next morning, my friends wished me face to face, one of them even gave me a present!

And they acknowledge my special day and try their best to make it seems special for me.

And since maxis gave free calls for birthday present, i called him all day long. (^_^)

Thanks to everyone for wishing me my birthday. (including over 30+++ birthday wish in my fb from various or people, including those whom has never even say hi to me >_<)

Thanks to umi for singing and wishing me happy birthday early in the morning which woke me up lol~

And most of all...

Thanks to my dear for listening to me and trying to comfort me all the way when i cried out of loneliness. Love you so much baby <:')

Finally 21!

Today is my 21st birthday, which to me is the most important birthdate ever. Because it celebrates the official beginning or adulthood. When you are 21, people will start looking at you as an adult, as a person capable of living his/her own life independently.

When you ask a person "How old are you?" and he or she answered "21." Sure enough you won't be having this thought in you head of that person being an immature kid.

When a person said he is 21, or 22, (eg: my brother is 22 years old. My sister is 21 years old), you will immediately thought that this person have a carrier, and is ready for marriage. You will have this idea of that person isn't an immature school kid, but an adult you can trust to accompany, take care, educate, or lead younger people. When somebody told you he or she has a 21 or 22 year old brother/sister, tell me what is the first thing going through your mind about that particular brother/sister of his/her?

That's what makes this birthday so important. its the official beginning of changing people's assumption towards you. You are no longer the school kid, or the teenager, or the kid from some college still studying. I am no longer a school kid, a teenager, or a kid from some college and still studying.

I am 21 years old and I will have a carrier.

I am 21 years old and I am ready to move on to the next phase of challenge in life.

Ready for commitment in my work, ready for commitment in marriage, nor raising children.

Ready to face the next big thing. And i can't wait.

BRING IT ON!

p/s: nextime when people ask me am i working or studying, i wont have to answer "i'm 19 and still studying in the university." instead, i can answer "I am 22 and working at ......." LOL~

I hate them so much.

If i were her, i would have lost my mind. I wouldn't be soft-hearted just so that they can make me their slave. I feel very impressed with her patience for tolerating those 3 *TOOT*, but i also feel angry for the those 3 *TOOT* enslaving her like that.

Not only those three *TOOT*, but also their other family members who refuse to take responsibility and running away from them, thus leaving the burden for her to face alone.

Not only enslaving her, but enslaving her daughter(s) as well.

Haven't she suffered enough by tolerating just ONE of the family member?

Why must make her suffer for all THREE at the same time?

And why can't the other family members who are supposed, SUPPOSED, to be responsible for that to take over the responsibility instead?

And why must that *TOOT* old *TOOT* must order her and her daughter(s) here and there?

Why cant that *TOOT old *TOOT* do it herself?

When will that 'person' be healed and manage to get back on his feet again?

When will the two *TOOT* be leaving us alone?

when will the two *TOOT stop bothering, torturing, and enslaving us, especially her???

WHEN WILL YOU LEAVE?????!!!!!!!

p/s: please i'm begging you to just LEAVE us alone already!

Listen to me dear.

You may not be prince charming.

You may not have the perfect looks.

You may not have the perfect personality.

You may not have what it takes to be a perfect leader.

But no matter what, i will always stand by you.

I will always be there for you when you need me.

I will always help to guide you when you are lost.

You may not be the perfect man for me, my dear.

But no matter what, i will never give up on you.

I will never leave your side, but it depends on you and your effort to make the change of yourself and your future possible.

No matter what, i will never, ever give up on you.

Breathe, breathe, breathe!

There's just too much things to accomplish within these few days.

Too many things, till at times i feel like i wanna scream and pause the time for a while to let me fill my suffocating lungs with fresh, cool air. Breathe in, and exhale.

Too many things to accomplish in a limited amount of time.

And my most feared occurrence is that i failed to finish everything in time.

Why can't i just die already.. *sigh*~

Disatisfaction!

4 people using the same goddamn toilet just because I put in the 'paip getah' inside that bloody toilet.

And among those stupid 4 people, not even ONE of them care to clean the stupid bloody toilet and rather use it until the toilet is DAMN FFFFFFF DIRTY.

It was ME who provide them with that 'paip getah' untill 4 out of 6 people use the same toilet, and i repeat, NOT EVEN ONE CARES TO CLEAN THAT TOILET AND RATHER USE IT TILL ITS BLOODY DIRTY.

AND STILL USING IT!!!

And now it only depends on me to buy the bloody TOILET BRUSH AND CLEAN THE STUPID TOILET I PROVIDED AN ADVANTAGE FOR, FOR THEM!!!!

FFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

@$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!

Listing again~

Short term goals for now:

>Get that mp230 edifier speaker model as my birthday present

>Create a passport

>Vacation in Singapore!

>Driving License

>Tests

>Endless presentations/assignments

>Practical at school (teacher)

>Finding a job

I can't wait to go another step further to experience life. Working life, marriage life and family life awaits me! (That is if i ever get married.)

p/s: i feel like running away from everyone and everything right now.

21st birthday is coooomiiiiiinggggg!!!

I still don't know what i should plan on getting or doing on my 21st birthday.

21st birthday is supposed to be a special celebration; because its the celebration of the beginning of adulthood.

But i'm not sure on how to make that day special. (because the stupid birthday falls under a day where i got CLASS TO ATTEND~ =_=")

The only birthday gift i could think of right now are external speakers and headphones. (because i need them, and i should find expensive ones too LOL.)

But it doesn't seemed special enough... hmmm~ a key locket for a necklace? or a bracelet?

Nah~ i never like wearing jewelries or accessories all my life. I prefer electronic devices, or gadgets. I'm a gadget freak. But the problem is, gadgets are always too expensive to buy.

Celebration huh? hurmmm~

How about... Going to someplace special, as in going for a vacation somewhere far from home, or going to fun theme parks such as sunway lagoon, or genting highland? Fraser hill? Cameron highland perhaps? YA! BUKIT TINGGI!!! :P

And we celebrate my birthday there, by buying a cake and sit somewhere and sing the birthday song and eat cakes! :P

Can i, can i, can i??? pweettyyy pweaaaaseeee~?

p/s: Not forgetting, to celebrate my special 21st birthday with 'him' too... -.- you better not make me angry and argue with u neither make me cry on my 21st birthday!

Broken hearted..

I better focus on that stupid term paper & my assignments and presentations.

And focusing on my wishlist.

Spending your effort, money, time and love is so much worth it with objects than with people.

Because objects can't disappoint you, can't hurt you, can't break your heart and most of all...

Objects can't make you cry.

p/s: Specifically to THAT person; thanks for hurting me so much..

Thanks for cheering me up :P

He made me smile, and he made me sooooo happy that i smiled so wideeeeee :D

He made me forgot about my stress and worries regarding my term paper~

He showed me my birthday present~ weeeeee!!!!!! :DDDD

He's so, so, so sweet....

Love u so much baby! >-(^,^)-< *hugs!!*

p/s: can't wait to meet u dear :P

FFFFFFFF STRESSSSSSS!!!!!

God... This is so freaking stressful!

WTF is theoretical bases??

How am i going to finish this stupid term paper without knowing any theories??

STUCK AT THEORETICAL BASES!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!

JH XAWYKG Y HB JBJQWXBNQWNZ L:KQMI WYGN SVUGHJAV SGXZHF BJ!KW!!!!!!!!!!!!

STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

My birthday is coming.

And guess what? i might be celebrating my MOST IMPORTANT 21st BIRTHDAY EVER all alone in my hostel.

WITH CLASS TO ATTEND!

That is just plain sick. SICK, i tell you. Its my 21st birthday for god sake! my birthday only comes once a year! and its the most important birthday of all time! its the birthday which celebrates my official beginning of adulthood which i am looking forward to!

I CAN'T celebrate my 21st birthday miserably and pathetically by being stuck in the middle of nowhere with non of my family members around!

I-CAN'T-STAY-HERE-ON-MY-21ST BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

p/s: i'm going crazy due to the term paper, so pardon me for freaking out.

Please save me..

Please take me away from here.

I hate this place... I need to be somewhere else..

I need to distract my mind.

Please save me from here and take me far, far away.

Feeling so lonely down here... Too lonely... And i can't stop crying..

Please take me far, far away..

Please save me..

BRING IT ON!

This semester is too 'heavy' for me despite only having 2 subjects to learn.

2 subjects within a month.

With additional Term Paper and the goddamn research.

And an additional of 3 months practical.

And assignments and presentations for the two subjects.

Plus exams.

And a series of endless lesson plans starting now.

I can't handle stress. I was so busy writing and finishing the research proposal that i stared in front of my laptop screen for 4 HOURS STRAIGHT.

Which leaves my eyes and brain to not completely function in the end. My eyes hurt, and my brain couldn't think of anything. It suddenly becomes blurred and empty, because there was too much of a heavy thinking done within 4 hours straight.

I have never done that kind of thing all my life. And it stresses me like HELL.

But what the heck, i'll torture myself to the limit if that's what it takes for me to turn completely insane. I'll drive myself nuts. I'll complete and write that stupid research and term paper and drive myself towards the path of insanity due to overload of stress. I'll torture myself no matter WHAT IT TAKES.

BRING IT ON!!!! BRING IT ON!!! I WILL SQUISH AND GET THEM DONE EVEN IF I SUFFER OF EXCEEDED STRESS BECAUSE OF THEM!!!

BRING THE GOD DAMN RESEARCH AND TERM PAPER ON!!!!

p/s: only 4 months left, 4 months, and i am soooo ENDING THIS!!!!

Stop reading my blog if you can't swallow what i wrote.

I don't know what else to say here.

I don't know whether to write public stuff or personal stuff of mine in this blog. I don't know anymore. Either way isn't the best of idea as there seems to be people reading this blog.

And by people, i mean people who judges me negatively everytime i write my personal feelings down here. I need to be more vigilant with how i write and what i write.

which to me is very excruciating and painstaking.

Because of those people, now i have to put a plastic, hypocritical face everytime i write. I have to write on what PLEASES them instead of what PLEASES me.

Because of those goddamn people, i have lost my freedom of speech and feel like i'm tied up behind iron bars, suffocating to my death.

Don't make me switch to indifferent mode.

Please don't make me care less of everything including myself.

Please stop judging me negatively.

Please STOP READING THIS BLOG IF YOU DON'T SEEM TO LIKE OR AGREE ON WHAT I WROTE. This is MY blog, where i pour in my PERSONAL feelings and opinions regarding chapters of events happened in my life, MY LIFE, not YOURS.

So if you can't respect that then please stop reading.

If you can. then just read and shut up. I don't need to listen to negative comments when my mind is already too messed up. (but positive comments or curiosity is ok.)

I just want my freedom of speech back again. GIVE IT BACK TO ME!

p/s: These entries on whether i curse and saying bad things are only temporary. I write to satisfy myself and to relief my anger and pain. I don't feel the same anymore like how i felt when i was writing a few hours after i wrote it. So don't JUDGE me negatively. My blog is where i put out my TEMPORARY anger and personal dissatisfaction regarding things i hate in my life, things that i wish i could change.

Die... Laughing?

I don't understand why my asthma attack is happening too frequently lately.

It's irritating, disturbing, and worrying.

I even dreamed of having an asthma attack due to excessive laughter and was only able to breathe like 10% of air to my lungs.

And it DID happen to me in reality. My asthma attack comes more frequent when i laughed too much than when i'm cold. It never happened before, my asthma problem RARELY gives problem to me in the past, even when i laughed like hell.

But now it does.

How if my cause of death is.... due to laughter?

OMG~ O.O

Two in one. To him who it may concerned, please kindly read this message because i have no credit to reply you.

To the person who have recently found my personal blog and might still be reading it:

I am sorry for those that i have written and i am sorry that i refuse to answer ur calls. It's because that i am already deeply wounded by your hurtful n painful words the other night and yes i know i deserve it and i am sorry. But to actually listen to your actual voice throwing those hurtful words to me is too unbearable. I rather not answer ur calls if all u wanna do is hurting me more until ur credit runs out.

Again, i'm sorry for those i have written but altho what i wrote was the truth, it changed nothing of my love towards you... Those 10 reasons changed nothing. The only thing that changed how i respect n love u is to finally know and see your true colour when you are angry.

You acted too childish and immature and you cursed and shouted at me instead of discussing things with me like a mature adult although i was wrong. (at least when i'm angry i never scold u harshly like u did and only shouted n cursed in my blog where you should never have found it in the first place instead of shouting n cursing in your face.)

I admit that i was wrong for comparing you with my ex, and judging like that. But those are the truth on how i felt specifically only at THAT time and NOT in the present. If you chose to hate me and leave me, i will respect your decision and follow how u want it. (because even after i tried so hard already to persuade you and apologized, u still hate me and attack me with those harsh n hurtful words.)

I am deeply sorry for those words and stuff i wrote about my feelings to u when i'm down. You can trust me that it will never happen again in the future.

Believe me, i still care although you don't. if you need anything or if u need me, do not hesitate to text or call me. You know how to reach me.

Blog entry for today:

Tomorrow is the most historical day for me.

The starting of the final semester, the final days of mine to spent with my friends and classmates.

It is a starting day of memories...

a start for a fresh beginning.

Emo~ Emo~ Emo~

After meeting him, i felt.... down.

Down AND emo.

Due to certain reasons...

1) The fact that he tried to 'show me off' to his ex whom he asked for a break up with previously

2) The fact that he seems... Too soft.

3) The fact that he just couldn't click with my sisters

4) The fact that he didnt bought me anything when we met -.-

5) The fact that i feel like he could just leave me anytime he wants after i heard the story about what happened between him and his previous ex-girls.

6) The fact that he lied to people about our true relation

7) The fact that he wasn't being such of a gentleman like my ex was.

8) The fact that he didnt tell any of his family members about me but i did

9) The fact that he seems.... like he has no future

10) The fact that he seems... Not willing to throw effort in stuff for his future.

There's a lot actually... a LOT. I can list them and it'll continue till tomorrow. But basically, these are the top 10 stuff that bothers me right now about him...

That made me feel so freaking down n emo.

i feel like killing myself.

relationships can go to hell. i'm better off single.

why does every relationship ive had, ended up with me suffering the entire way?

why does every relationship that i'd gave most my heart to ending up with me crying for being left n hurt by the other person?

n why do i get the blame everytime i tried to heal these pains by being the bad guy or being cold hearted towards guys?

why can't any of you understand?

Go FFFFF kill yourself, bastard!

That's just GREAT.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Another heart break. Another F*****G HEARTBREAK.

After giving me hopes and thinking he's the FFFFFF one, he blew them on my face by admitting that he DOESN'T INTEND TO FFFFF MARRY ME.

Why, you might ask? a brilliant question. You wanna know why???

Because i have a DEGREE and he DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH BUDGET TO MARRY A GIRL WITH A FFFFFFF DEGREE. Great excuse isn't it? great huh? the most BRILLIANT & EXELLENT EXCUSE EVER!

Then whats the point of loving me n being a couple with me????

Thanks for making me feel like a FFFF IDIOT. Thanks for giving me that hope and take it back and break them in front of eyes just to make sure it HURTS DEEP ENOUGH TO LEAVE A SCAR.

Thanks for being a DOUCHE-BAG. I'll make sure i get my FFFFF revenge u FFFFF bastard.

YOU-JUST-WAIT! i'll taunt your name and make sure you'll regret breaking up if me EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!

p/s: not all guys are ffff jerks, but MOST OF YOU GUYS ARE. That's it, i'm forever SINGLE FROM NOW ON!!!

waking up.

i still don't know if things will work out.

i hope it does. and i hope future will change for him too, and i mean changing through positive ways.

i desperately hope so.

the future for both of us seems clear but vague, seems possible but vain.

trying hard to change myself and accepting him in my life, trying to make a difference this time around. no more disloyalty, no more lies, no more fake identities.

I used to be some sort of a 'playgirl'. not anymore.

I used to have fake identities and lie to people... not anymore.

I want to stay loyal this time, since he loves me so much and accept me for who i am, what i am, and even how i am. He loves me for everything i am despite my negative sides.

thanks to abg fad, now ive decided to free myself from the virtual walls that has been caging me from truth.

thanks to my baby, now ive decided to stay loyal loving him and be with him for as long as i can. so far it is still hard for me to.. well.. u know... but i can, and i want to.

Future is surpising indeed.

p/s: i still can't refresh myself from the dizziness and high feeling of medication drugs i took after a long day.. SIGH!

Who exactly am i to you, my friend?

Sigh~ You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you only choose to spend time with me only when you are bored or when you need someone to talk to in order to share and pour out your sweet and bitter moments in your carrier as the new kedah state football player.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet the only thing you seemed to care is your carrier and rarely asks stuff about me and my life. You even condemned me when i told you about my deepest secret that had always been the poison in my life instead of comforting me with motivating n supportive words like how i always did when you need a lift of spirit when you're going to play for an important football match... Like how a friend should do.

You claimed that i am your best, closest female friend, yet you refuse to open up to me regarding personal problems and matters and personal happenings in your everyday life. You choose to act so formal with me as if i am one of your fanatic fans instead of a true friend.

Who exactly am i to you? am i your friend or am i just a tool for you to share stories regarding your cool, popular carrier? Maybe to you i am one of those important people in your life (especially becoming the only closest female friend he ever had), but sadly to me, you are not even close to a friend.

You act nothing like a friend of mine. You care nothing of me. You act so formal with me. Most of the things i remembered as long as we had been friends is listening to how your life (of which you were jobless in the past and had no means of working) and cool carrier has been for you instead of telling you about how my pathetic life, problem n future is going on.

And when i tried to tell them out to you, you pushed me away by acting so formal and awkward, and at times you even despised me that it hurts more than comforting.

Ahmad Shakir Bin Ali... Even after we have been friends for a quite a long time, your identity still remains a mystery to me, and i can never ever be able to figure you out.

p/s: FYI, that picture IS him.

Revealing the truth and put an end to it all.

It was hard for me to reveal the truth.

It was hard for me to go agaisnt the princip i have held for so many years.

as hard as a mother being forced to kill her children using her own hands.

Its THAT hard. But i did it anyway. I decided to end it because i care for my brother.

Because i want to contact him n be his 'brother' in real life.

Because i want to hang out with him and attend his seminars and chat with him n listen to his pep talk and advises by voice n not by text.

He's a great somebody, he's a great brother, a caring, wonderful n great brother.

And i don't wanna miss the chance of meeting him in person and talk to him in real life, to joke around with him n meet him up. I don't wanna miss that chance just because i lied n am using a fake identity.

I decided to take that risk because i care deeply for my brother, and because he cares deeply me. I don't have the heart to keep lying to someone as caring and wonderful as him. I want to contact him in real life n meet him in person as myself. The real me..

When i made that action, i felt guilty like hell that i can't stop crying. I was worried of how he will react. My heart was racing. It felt as if time moves too slow.

Suprisingly he didnt get mad. And shockingly and weird thing is that the first thing he asked when he called me for the first time was "Are you ok dik?"

I was so touched that i was literally speechless. Couldn't utter a single word n my tear dropped out of happiness. I was touched that he wasn't n doesn't sound mad at all. in fact he laughed and told me its okay. He convinced me that it was no big deal n he wasn't angry... (but i know deep inside he feels hurt and i am truly sorry for hurting him... I can never forgive myself.)

Finally, i get the chance to listen to his voice n talk to him instead of texting. And it was a blessing i can never ever repay him. It was a dream come true. Finally, FINALLY, i get to speak to him.

Its just a matter of time until i meet this great and wonderful guy in person. He is truly a somebody whom i look up to. I respect him, adore him, and idolize him with all my heart and soul for caring for me so much that he would still be willing to spend time for me although he was too busy n tired.

But those are before i told him the truth about me.

Now i hope, i REALLY hope that his love and care towards me will not change after i told him the truth. Maybe he won't be able to feel the same anymore.. I really hope that won't happen.

Because If he changes... If he stops caring for me just because he doesn't feel the same anymore due to the feelings of betrayal and hurt, i can't blame him for that.. I truly deserve it..

But i've risked telling him the truth so that we can be friends and true 'brothers' in real life.

If he truly change...

It will break my heart...

And that i have to accept it with an open heart... Tho it kills me...

I'm so sorry abg fad.. <=(

I hope we can, or are still brothers like we were, or still am.

I'm very sorry for hurting u.

EXAM i hate you!

I should be studying but... SIGH!

I hate exams. I hate it so, so, so much SIGH!

(i know i shouldn't be sighing but well SIGH~ i just couldn't resist it huhuh~ the sentence sounds better with a sigh LOL.)

I got this GREAT IDEA popping in my head when i was doing the laundry in the toilet. And i can't wait to write a short story about it. This precious moment doesn't happen very often, in fact, it RARELY happens. So when it does, i should be heading straight to my room and write about it like crazy!

The only thing that is stopping me is this freaking EXAM!

So please, exam, be gone!! BE GONE I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE BE GONE!!!!

p/s: now i sound like a freaking mental patient escapee hahah!

What does it actually means when a guy do these to a girl?

Sigh... He's playing 'tarik tali' with me.

His tone when speaking indicates that he has no feelings for me and just treated me as a friend he cares for.

But then, why wouldn't he text any other girls except me? i mean, he has a LOT of fans out there, let alone now that he has become a celebrity. He admitted he enjoyed the attention, but he still choose to text only me. The only female he cared to text up to the point where he ask his lil brother to inform me about his scores and games when he is playing.

If he doesnt have any feelings for me, he wouldn't even care to do that. He promised me that he will inform me everytime he enters a football match, and he will inform me of his scores and experienced in the field.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he would have 'layan' all the other fans; much prettier, wittier girls out there who are far better than me in every single way.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he won't text me when he is bored. as in like finding me, literally FINDING ME, instead of texting any other fans of his.

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wont have waited all night long for my birthday message and eventually called me the next morning to see if i have forgotten (of which i did forgot)

If he doesnt have feelings for me, he wouldn't need to listen to me when i asked him to eat something, and fulfilled his promise to eat 2 slice of bread before bed.

If he doesn't have feelings for me, he won't be finding ME to share about his excitement and disappointment each time when he won or lose a football match.

He showed as if he really cares and treated me so special amongst the other girls who were willing to 'berebut' just for the sake of getting his freaking sweaty jersey everytime he won a match. Only me. The only female friend. His only good female friend that gets special treatment.

He treats me so special ever since before he became popular and even more special after he became a celebrity.

But the only thing that doesn't fit is that the way his body language is speaking to me; it translates that he doesn't have any sort of feelings or jealousy when i talked to him about these other two guys who were chasing after me and literally advised me stuff about whether to accept any of them or not.

But... For someone like him, (a celebrity of which girls are dying to lay their hands on) giving someone like me (a fat, ugly girl who is a nobody) a special treatment? Giving me the privilege that no other girl in his life could get?

Now what does that suppose to mean then?

p/s: his gf had long passed away, and i know deep inside he still loves her. maybe thats what makes him shutting his heart out from girls, but why did he let only ME in the first place? sigh, he is driving me nuts!

Single is better.

I've got a spark of idea after i'd watched the most boring movie ever; Wallstreet.

It's about a mysterious guy who refuse to expose his identity, even his face, had been helping a stranger out to win the heart of his beloved one as well as to sort his life one step at a time.

Can't wait to write again.

And i've just found out the most devastating news ever...

I don't know if i ever dare to give my heart to anyone anymore. Single is the way of life, no one to hurt, won't get hurt either. I can spend my money n my life like how i want without any restraints. No more tears. The three guys can just get the hell out of my heart, i'm not sharing it with anyone except me alone.

p/s: wth am i craping about here haih...

Conflict with 3 men

3 guys in my life. 3 guys that mattered to me, and that loves me. Well, actually its just 2. 1 of the three only cares me as a friend.

a tailor for VIPS and famous artists, (a year younger than me)

a mere pastry chef of a restaurant, (a year older than me)

a state celebrity football player. (same age as me)

Different conflicts with different guys. All of them cares for me but...

I appreciate the tailor's sacrifice for me. But.. I tried, i really tried but i just don't share the same feelings he has for me. I tried so hard.

And I think i'm starting to fall for the pastry chef.

And i think i have always had feelings for the football player ever since we first know each other.

Let's just wait until the day i meet this mysterious pastry chef, and then i will confirm whether he is the one i choose to be with or not. He has all the qualities i've dreamed of in a guy, and he is willing to change for my sake. Most importantly, he listens to me. And i mean both ways. The only con with him rite now is that i still haven't meet him yet.

About the football player? i'll wait. And wait.. And wait.. Untill he has his own girlfriend maybe, and then only i'll give up on him.

But in the meantime, i will decide about relationships AFTER i've met the pastry chef.

And i hope he won't disappoint me. I really hope so.

Am i loving him or is it just the stupid hormone crap?

i think i've fallen in love...

Or i just THOUGHT that i've fallen in love?

but he's soooo damn cute and i have been trying to get his attention since i first know him, ever since before i know how he looked like in real.

and he acted so cool with me, treating me as only a friend. An important friend, but still, just a mere friend and nothing else. When i tried asking him about having any girlfriends, he answered me so calm, telling me that it never crossed his mind, and ask me why, as if like there's no 'in-between-feelings'.

He's a freaking celebrity now and i've learned not to held hopes on anyone or even loving anyone. Someone like him won't even look at someone like me with only an eye.

But then... why did he thanked me so much as if he really appreciate me texting him, wanting me to accompany him, and the most important part is...

giving a kiss to me in the text? (eg: thanks so much for accompanying me tonite, take care ya, emuah... salam..)

he is a guy who doesnt flirt with any girls, especially girls like me. someone like him will not ever do such thing if he only cares for that person as a friend. he isnt a guy with jokes, he's a serious guy. a serious guy who doesnt like to flirt and being flirted. Friends like that, who dont have feelings with the other wont do that rite?

So does that mean he.... Does has at least a bit of feelings to me too?

p/s: Just randomly crapping.

Sick, sick, sick again.

I don't understand why recently my stomach is giving such problems like diarrhoea.

This is like the 4th or 5th time maybe for me to experience stomach aches.

Stomach bloating, nausea, stomach feeling gassy, and difficulty to do bladder.

I don't recall anything different regarding my eating pattern, and i definitely drink plenty of water.

What went wrong?

crapping~

why can't i have some of this?

why can't i have some of that?

sticking to the addiction.

not even trying to re-live the passion i once had.

just going with the flow, where destiny takes me.

not planning on anything big, no dreams, nothing.

envious with people who knows what they want and going for it. while i don't.

because...

because i am afraid of failure to sink the pain of failing if i did try.

so better not try at all, so we don't experience failures. my motto.

looking forward for the next chapter of my life; working life.

i'm looking forward.

Fever is a blessing (^,^)

Fever, sore throat, unusually weak body, feels as if my body has only 10% amount of energy left within.

Everytime i swallowed those ridiculous amount of pills, my body trembled like crazy that i can't sleep at all. My whole body shuddered as if i was inside a refrigerator.

Everytime i walked, i feel as if my body could just collapse anytime. My head was spinning, and i felt like i was walking like a drunken man.

Sore body, coughed like a million times till my head suffers an unbearable pain that it feels like exploding number of times.

I literally felt my eyeballs were drowning in boiling water, and that i can fry an egg on my forehead.

It has been quite a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since i last suffered of fever. I don't remember how fever feels like. People hate being sick.

But ironically i feel very thankful for getting this sudden illness after a loooooooong time.

Cuz it proves that God still loves me. (^.^)